Chapter 32 Text

Tuesday August 3

“Edward!!! I can’t find my shoe!!” I was running late for work, dressed in a new purple blouse that Alice brought me back from her trip, and a black pencil skirt.

Edward poked his head out of the bathroom, toothpaste foaming at the corner of his mouth as he continued to brush.

“Did you look under the bed?” he mumbled, as he walked back into the bathroom to rinse out his mouth.

I carefully crouched down in my tight skirt to find my left shoe hidden under the mattress along with my pajama shorts from the night before.

The morning had been chaotic. Edward had already been up for half an hour and was ready to walk out the door. He came out of the bathroom washed, dressed, and brushed, looking like a freaking Adonis. I, on the other hand, was un-showered, had thrown my hair up in a ponytail, and was on my hands and knees picking up everything that I had tossed from my bag this morning while I was looking for my bra. I had been so comfortable in his bed last night that I slept through my alarm.

On top of everything else, I left my school bag with all the kids’ assignments at home, so I needed to pick it up before heading to class.

I finished getting dressed, re-packed my bag, grabbed my shoe, and ran down stairs. Edward was waiting for me at the front door with a travel mug of tea and a granola bar for my breakfast. I slid my left shoe on, grabbed the tea and granola bar from Edward, kissed him, gave him a quick ‘I love you’, and ran to my truck. Being late was one of my biggest pet peeves and I knew that if I didn’t get my butt in gear, I was going to be late for class.

I could hear Edward laughing at me as he followed me out of the house and down the driveway. Even though it only took Edward seven minutes to drive to work, it would take me twenty minutes to get home and another twenty to drive to school. Regularly, it wouldn’t have been an issue to sleep in as the class didn’t start until ten. However, it was quarter to eight and I had promised the kids I’d be there at nine so that they could get the classroom and any materials ready for their final project presentations.

Thankfully, the traffic was light and my bag with the kids’ assignments was right by the front door. I threw my overnight bag on the landing, grabbed my school bag and ran back out of the house.

It was the last three days of class for the summer. As the final part of their assignment, the students were to present their stories to the rest of the class. They were to stand up, summarize the story they studied and present their final essay about how they would have changed the story if they were the original author. They were to give us an example of how they would have written the piece. This was honestly my favourite part of my job; the students getting to showcase their talent and be proud of the work they had done.

The interesting part about their presentation was the freedom. Since there were only twelve students in the class, each student got thirty minutes to showcase their presentation any way they wanted. I had gotten an outline from them last week and was anxious about how today would go. Some of the presentations were being performed; acting, a spoken word piece and a puppet show, while others were made before hand and simply being presented; PowerPoints, comic strips, and even a short film.

I pulled into the school parking lot with plenty of time to spare. And even though I was early, there were a couple of kids sitting in the football field, rehearsing their presentations. I went into the school and more students were sitting in the hallway in front of the door.

“Good morning, all.” I smiled at my eager students as I unlocked the door and held it open for them. I was astonished by what they had all brought.

Why does Lincoln have all this wood with him? I tried to remember what Linc’s presentation was supposed to be, but all I remembered was him submitting an outline that said “bring Depends.” When I had asked him to explain, he just laughed and said to trust him. From what I could figure out, we were either going to be laughing so hard we’d need the adult diapers or he was going to do something to scare the crap out of us.

Students slowly started trickling in as I set out their final essays for them to pick up. All their work had been marked and returned and their grades, unknown to them, had already been tabulated. So far, no one was under an 80% and by the looks of it, after today’s presentations, no one would be under an 85%.

We had already established an order to the presentations and the first student, Sara, was getting herself ready. She asked for help in moving all the desks out into the hallway and proceeded to turn the classroom into a storybook corner, decorated the room like an enchanted forest. She had pillow, and blankets set out, almost covering the entire classroom floor. There were posters of trees taped to the wall, leaves from outside scattered on the floors, stuffed rabbits, squirrels, mice and bears placed here and there, and she had a tape playing in the background of birds chirping and wind blowing.

We all grabbed pillows and blankets and crowded around where Sara sat in a rocking chair she snatched from the drama room. She pulled out a large book, almost half the side of her, and held it on her lap. Sara had created a beautifully illustrated children’s book and was presenting it to us as “story time” in kindergarten.

Sara had decided to change Romeo and Juliet into a children’s story about a mother bird that had to watch her baby bird struggle to find her footing, or wings as Sara had put it.

Her illustrations were breathtaking and although her story somewhat resembled that of Gnomeo and Juliet; the red cardinals verses the blue jays, different bird families nesting in neighbours back yards and rivaling over the fence, it was still very well written, presented and received by the class. It was lighthearted, comical and excellent for children.

The next presentation was Lincoln’s, who ended up changing the comedy, The Princess Bride, into a ghost story about Inigo Montoya. He was a ghost hunter who spent his entire life searching for the spirit of the six fingered man who killed his father.

Linc had set up the classroom like a campground; sleeping bags on the floor, logs arranged in the centre of the room to create a fire pit, flashlights and battery operated lanterns placed haphazardly amongst the group, and he had all the lights in the room turned off and the curtains closed. As an extra, he also had fake fire logs that he plugged into the wall, which added a creepy glow to the room and marshmallows for everyone to snack on.

We got six presentations done by the end of class. The rest we would finish tomorrow. I was energized by the presentations and decided that I wanted to do something fun tonight. I stopped at the market on the way home, picked up some steaks, chicken, vegetables, and fajita shells, as well as stopped in at the liquor store for some Corona’s. I hated the beer, but I knew Edward would appreciate it. 

Alice had always done fiesta night in college and it was a blast. I figured Edward and I deserved some fun.

I got home and immediately marinated the steaks and chicken. I pre-sliced the red, green, and yellow peppers as well as the onions that I would fry up and mashed up the avocado to make guacamole.

 I still had a couple of hours before Edward would be over. And I had to say, this was the part I hated the most; the waiting. Time also stood still when I was waiting to see him, especially when I had one of my – admittedly, very rare – good days. I couldn’t wait to share today’s presentations with him. I was ecstatic about how everything had gone and how much the students had grown in their confidence, their talent and their ambition.

I grabbed a glass of water, a quick lunch, and my laptop and sat out back. I finished updating the final marks and report card comments for the students who had done their presentations today, leaving the other six for tomorrow once the rest of the remaining students were done their presentations.

I was just about to log off and flip the meat marinating in the fridge, when a document in the bottom left corner of my desktop caught my eye. It was the symptoms checklist that I had filled out before going to the clinic. I clicked it open and re-read my answers. I was actually surprised at how honest I had been when filling it out. It was proof that I had taken my first step in opening up and admitting I had a problem. I felt good to realize that I finally admitted that I felt depressed and that I had sought help. I went to the clinic by myself and then went to see Dr. James.

Immediately, yesterday’s conversation with Alice popped into my head. She had been adamant that she did not want me to see Dr. James again. She had a feeling about him, and when Alice had a feeling, you didn’t bet against it.

But in all fairness, as uncomfortable as it had been talking to Dr. James, and as much as he bothered me, looking back, it was still good that I was doing something, even if Dr. James turned out to be the wrong something.

I pulled up my search engine and started googling “help for depression” to see if there were any clinics or group meeting that I could participate in. I was still hesitant about opening up and being 100% honest with a complete stranger, but I wasn’t foolish enough to think if I ignored my problems, they would just go away. I knew I had to see someone, but also believed that I needed to work up to that point. There had to be something I could do in the interim to get me comfortable and confident enough to confide in someone.

There were plenty of counseling agencies listed, as well as books, tapes, blogs, essays, “thing to do at home” suggestions, and home remedies. I took a long time looking at all the different website, took notes about what different people said and what would work for me. Some stuff I laughed at, but some suggestions and home remedies seemed legit with proven results. And most importantly, they seemed like something I was actually capable of and willing to do. I wasn’t naïve enough to believe everything I read on the internet, but when more than one website, including the American Association of Naturopathic Physicians, said that something worked, I tended to believe it with a little more validity.

With a lot of hesitation, yet, slight determination, I ordered some books, vitamins and herbs. I did some extra research about the vitamins and herbs, and it looked like they had very minimal side effects, if any at all. They could be bought at any drug store, and were even sold at Wal-Mart, so I knew they weren’t some random pills and teas that someone was making in their garage. At least I wasn’t giving up, like I normally would have. I didn’t find the answer with Dr. James, so I was looking for help somewhere else. Surprisingly, I felt proud.

I turned off my computer just as I heard the sound of a car pulling in my driveway. Grabbing the guacamole, nacho chips and a beer from the fridge for Edward, I started to set things out on the dining room table.

“Honey, I’m home,” Edward laughed, as he used his key, which I will never regret giving him, to let himself in.

An automatic smile lit up my face at his light heartedness as I made my way to the front door to greet him properly. I was amazed at how comfortable and confident I was with him after only a couple of weeks. As scared as I was to admit it, he really had changed my life.

I walked up to him as he was toeing his shoes off and wrapped my arms around his neck. He immediately wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me tight to his body, his nose burying itself in the nape of my neck.

“Welcome home,” I whispered into his ear before I pulled my head back and kissed him lightly on his cheek.

The only response I got was a deep hum in his throat and a tightening of his arms around me. I could feel his lips peppering gentle kissed on my shoulder. That was enough of a response for me.

We stood there in the foyer, holding each other, and relaxing into each other.

He breathed a soft “I love you” into my ear before he pulled back just enough to press his lips to mine. It was a slow but quick kiss, but it showed me how much he actually meant the words.

“So how was your day?” I asked, as I dragged him into the kitchen and handed him his Corona.

He took a large gulp before he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind as I started to cut up the steak and chicken to fry.

“It was great,” he started. “I missed you but am so excited that Jasper is back. It still kinda sucks that we don’t get to work directly together, but we still get to see plenty of each other.”

I could picture Edward smiling like a little kid as he continued talking about working with his best friend. He rested his chin on my shoulder, kissing my neck, chin and shoulder sporadically as he continued with his day and I continued to fry up dinner.

“…and then he got this really sly look on his face and he asked me about Sunday.”

I put the ladle I was using to stir the peppers and onions down, turned around in his arms and immediately, a flush of nerves shot through my entire body.

“What do you mean he asked you about Sunday?”

“Well, apparently Alice told him about how she and Rose over heard us saying we loved each other, the kiss at the door when I was leaving and how she and Rose interrogated you after I left but you wouldn’t tell them anything. She told him a little bit about your conversation yesterday, but he was still curious.”

“Curious about...” I should have known that Alice would have told Jasper everything. They were married and Alice did love to talk. I was just surprised that Jasper cared enough to ask Edward to elaborate.

“Bella,” he smiled as he wrapped me tighter in his arms and lowered his forehead to mine, “he was just worried about you, as I’m sure Alice is, too. They left for their honeymoon after you ran out of their wedding in tears, only to come back to you and I in love. They care about you and just want to make sure you’re okay.”

My eyes automatically closed and a shiver ran through my body at the memory of how I acted at Alice’s wedding. True, it was hard for me to be there, and still hard for me to admit my jealousy of Alice getting everything she ever wanted, but I could have, and more importantly, should have acted differently.

“People care about you, Bella. More than you realize.”

Edward told me about his conversation with Jasper as we finished making dinner. He admitted that he told him what had been going on and was worried how I would react to him talking about us to Jasper. After our conversation yesterday, after I came back from Alice’s, I was surprised that he would be concerned about talking to Jasper. It was only fair that if I got to talk to someone about us, then he should too.

Our fiesta night was light hearted after that. We snacked on fajitas and nachos while I told him about the presentations that took place today and we held each other on the couch while “The Three Amigos” played in the background.

And although we laughed, kissed, held each other and were happy, for some reason, the slightest hint of anxiety crept in the back on my mind as we started to clean up the kitchen and get ready for bed. No, it wasn’t anxiety, it was guilt. Guilt over the fact that although I loved him, trusted him and confided in him, I didn’t tell him about what I had purchased online today and my feelings about not wanting to go back to Dr. James. I was keeping this a secret from him and I didn’t know why.

For some strange reason, although I knew I should and could tell Edward everything about my doubts about the creepy therapist and my decision to try things at home until I felt ready to open up to a stranger, I just couldn’t. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was afraid he’d be disappointed in me, or the fact that even though I was proud of myself for looking for alternate aids than therapy, I was disappointed in myself for giving up on getting professional help, since I knew it was what I needed.