Chapter 35

Friday August 6

Edward was wrong.

He slept at his house last night so that I could get a good night’s sleep before today’s appointment with Dr. James. He didn’t want me to wake up when he did, since he would have to get up at the crack of dawn, so he let me sleep alone in my big, cold, empty bed.

Well, for being a doctor, he sure was an idiot. I hadn’t had a nightmare since we started sharing a bed, and of course last night, the nightmares started up again. And unlike my previous dreams, this one wasn’t a mock or a farfetched fear. This one was about my appointment today. It was about the questions Dr. James would ask, the buttons he would push and the answers he would analyze in order to get to my real pain.

By the time I woke up, my dream had me completely broken down, doubting myself and regressed to my ‘pre-Alice’s-wedding state’ as I called it. I was anxious, nauseous, and couldn’t get back to sleep.

Stupid Edward and his stupid courteous behaviour.

I had reluctantly called Dr. James’ office this morning and asked if he still had an opening today. Luckily, or unluckily as I was starting to see it, my appointment slot was still vacant. And even more unfortunate, was that the feelings that were prevalent in my dream, followed me all morning.

"Miss Swan?"

I shook myself out of my reverie and re-focused on my surroundings. I was sitting in the waiting room waiting to be summoned by the creepy therapist. The same receptionist who hit on Edward last week sat behind her desk and was glaring at me expectantly.

"Dr. James will see you now."

"Oh, uh, thank you." My voice was soft and full of tension. And as I collected my purse and put back the magazine I held but hadn't bothered to open, I saw a roll of the eyes and an unladylike snort escape the bitch behind the desk.

I braced myself as I walked down the hall and stood in front of Dr. James' door. Last week, the rude receptionist walked me down and opened the door for me. But today, I was directed to the door and had to find the courage to knock and open the door myself. As small of a change as it was, I felt like I was thrown into a new job after only watching an orientation video. I had an idea of what to expect, but no preparation at all.

Without giving myself a chance to second guess my action, I knocked on the mahogany door and stood, waiting for instruction. Expecting just a simple "come in," I was taken aback when the door opened and Dr. James stood in front of me, a proud smile on his face.

"Well, Miss Swan. I'm glad you came back. Please, come in."

After taking the same seat I was directed to last week and then watching the same routine of Dr. James getting himself a drink but not offering one to me, we sat across from each other in silence.

"Well, Miss Swan," he started, without any form of customary pleasantry or small talk. "Are you willing to continue where we left off and impart your philosophy of fate on me this week?"

It took me a moment to understand what he was talking about. I remembered we had left off talking about one of the points on humanistic psychology; that everyone must take personal responsibility for their actions, whether the result was positive or negative. In his opinion, I was in control of my life and needed to be accountable for the path my life had taken. I, on the other hand, said that although I did have control over some elements of my life, fate also took part of the blame.

"Well," I hedged, "I still believe that although we are definitely accountable for elements of our lives, we can't be accountable for everything in our life that has shaped who we are. I have no control over how other people view or treat me. It's peoples free will. I can't control that."

Immediately, Dr. James started writing things down in his book with a sinister sneer on his face, as if he was already goading me into his trap.

"What do you mean 'peoples free will'? Don't you think you have an influence over how people treat you?" There was a smile in his voice as Dr. James started his analysis of my answers.

"To some extent, yes, but not explicitly."

"Why not? Clearly who you are determines how people relate and react to you."

For some reason, that statement made me angry. He was implying that people aren't who they innately are, but that we simply react to each other. That people don't have different opinions, morals, values, ideals and personalities. We just feed off each other, causing reactions and consequences, instead of making decisions. That everyone is reactive, not action or purpose driven.  That the victim isn't a victim because of the action of the perpetrator, but because they acted like a victim in the first place.

"I know that no matter how kind I was, Jacob always took advantage of me and that changed how I saw my self-worth. No matter what I did to help my father, kept in touch and worked at being a good daughter, Charlie never saw me or appreciated what I did. And no matter how much baggage I have, or how much I don't believe I deserved it, Edward will always love me." The words were out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying.

"Who's Jacob?"

                    

Those two words shocked me more than anything he had said so far. I hadn't even realized that I had brought up Jake until it was too late. I didn't want to talk about Jacob and the influence he had on my life. I knew that I blamed him for how I saw myself and how I acted in relationships, but he couldn't take all the blame. It was my fault for allowing him to have so much control over my life for so many years. I kept going back to him, knowing that I shouldn't but never thinking I could get any better. I was settling for something I didn't want, someone who treated me poorly because I never thought I could get any better.

This was the stuff that I didn't want to get into with someone I wasn't comfortable with. Maybe with a different doctor that I trusted and built some sort of a foundation with, but not with Dr. Creepy. But then on the other hand, the likelihood of me coming back to see Dr. James was slim. So perhaps telling him, knowing I'd never see him again, might be beneficial.

"Jacob is an old boyfriend."

I knew that Dr. James would dig deeper so I thought that I'd start out as simplistically as I could. And I was right. He asked more about Jacob and if I had never taken that romantic road with Jacob, where I thought my life would be? Would it look better than the one I was living?

The majority of the questions I didn't have an answer for. It was all hypothetical situations that I would have no way of definitively knowing. I answered some of the questions, like if Jacob was a good experience or a bad one and how his treatment of me shaped how I saw myself, but the rest I evaded.

At the end of what seemed like the longest hour of my life, Dr. James ripped out a page from his book and handed it to me.

"Well, Miss Swan, our time is up. But I want you to take these questions home and think about them."

I looked at the sheet in my hand and four questions written on it.

What do you need to achieve your desired potential? 

What responsibility do you have to yourself to live a more positive, fulfilling life?

What motivators do you have in your life?

What motivates you to get up, to go to work, to grow as a person?

We said a quick goodbye and I left the office, once again walking past his receptionist without scheduling a follow-up appointment. I didn't know how I felt after this second session. Dr. James still freaked me out, although he had given me a lot to think about. It was frightening how honest I had been in my thoughts of Jacob and how, although I knew he was partially to blame, so was I. I didn't want to admit that to Dr. James, but it made sense that I was accountable, to some degree, for allowing Jake to shape who I was. I knew that he didn't treat me properly, but I made the conscious decision to keep going back to him. Maybe Dr. James was right about personal accountability.

I was in a daze as I made my way home, thinking about the session. The more I thought about it, the more Dr. James' words and philosophy came together. I kept going back to Jake, hoping he would treat me better or see me differently. I was the one who called Charlie weekly even though there was really no point. He never saw me, never cared, but I always hoped. I allowed both these men to walk all over me and never stood up for myself. Why would they think there was anything wrong with how they were treating me if I kept falling into the same roles I had with them and never said anything to the contrary?

I was half way to the door before I noticed I was home and that Edward's car was in the driveway. I was actually looking forward to talking to him about today's session. To get his opinion on my new insight.

"Edward?" I called as I walked in and kicked off my flip flops.

"In here," he called from the kitchen.

I walked into the dining room to see papers and books spread out all over the table and Edward leaning over a file with a pencil in his mouth. He looked adorable sitting at the table with his hand in his hair, messing it up even more, a studious look on his face and chewing on the pencil. He was clearly deep in thought about something.

"What's all this?" I asked as I walked up beside him and kissed the top of his head.

"Just research that they gave out at this morning's meeting. It was a debriefing of the webinar from earlier in the week. The British Association that was hosting the webinar emailed the Chief a couple of sample case studies based on the new philosophies that were discussed and we have the weekend to develop a treatment plan."

"They gave you homework?" I couldn't keep the chuckle out of the voice when I saw the look of distress on Edward's face. He looked like a college kid cramming for finals.

"Yeah, I know," he answered, as he closed the file that was open in front of him. "I didn't sign up for this." The smile on his face was a clear indication that he was joking. He was in his element and loving every minute of it.

He pivoted in his chair, wrapped his arms around my waist and looked up at me with playful eyes. "Hi," he said sweetly as he lifted his chin, clearly looking for a kiss.

I leaned down, placed a soft, gentle kiss on his lips. "Hi," I answered back as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "So how is the case study going?"

"Good actually, but I could use a study break. Want to join me?"

Edward and I walked down the street hand-in-hand to the ice cream shop on the corner. The entire way, he was talking about the study and his hypothetical treatment plan, using the new philosophies discussed in the seminar. We each got a cone at the window and continued to walk to Madison Beach.

"So tell me how this morning went?" Edward asked as we sat on the grass and stared out at the water.

We sat on the grass, eating our ice cream and talked about my session with Dr. James. Edward was actually a bit surprised at his cold demeanor and lack of social pleasantries but agreed that Dr. James seems to be getting me to think. We were also on the same page when it came to fate. He agreed that although we do have a lot of control, not everything in our life is up to us.

"So are you going to go back next week?" Edward asked as we threw out our napkins and started heading home.

"I don't know. I agree that he's making me think, and that the questions he gave me to think about are important things to address, but there's just something about him."

"So it wasn't the idea of therapy that you don't like, just James?"

I thought about our conversation yesterday and how Edward was concerned that I was bailing on therapy after just going once.

"No, it's not therapy I don't like. I just want to find someone I am more comfortable with. And I want to be more comfortable with myself before I start opening up to a stranger and letting them analyze my life. I want to know and trust the person digging around."

We walked in silence for a bit before Edward spoke in a gentle tone.

"I agree," he said as he squeezed my hand in assurance. "You should feel comfortable opening yourself up to someone. If you're closed off and concerned about what someone will think, you won't be honest and receptive to their opinion."

It surprised me how easily he saw my way of thinking. I was always concerned that he would be disappointed in me for not wanting to do therapy anymore. I truly did underestimate how much he got me.

By the time we got home, we had agreed that I would still like to get some help, but not with Dr. James. I told him about the number I got for Dr. Cook and we discussed the option of seeing her. Edward said that if I wanted to give her a call, he would support it 100% but said he would ask around to see if there were any other humanistic psychologists in the area, as this approach seemed to be working. It seemed like we had a plan that we were both happy with. At that moment, I had no idea why I was so worried about talking to him about my concerns with Dr. James. Clearly, he would still want me to go and give it an honest effort, but he knew me, knew what would work best for me and I trusted him. All that worrying was for nothing.

"What's that smile about?" I asked as we walked up the driveway and into the house. For some reason, he had a developed a mischievous grin and seemed to be excited about something.

"Well," he smiled, "you're done with school now and I have a couple of days off coming up. I was just thinking that we should go away somewhere."

"Where were you thinking?" I asked as we settled onto the couch. I was concerned that he wanted to take some grand trip somewhere that I couldn't afford. I remembered the argument we had when we first started dating about him wanting to take me to a fancy restaurant. I didn't want to go through that again.

"It doesn't matter. Let’s just get away. We can rent a cottage somewhere, or go camping. We can go to Forks if you want. Let’s just get out of the city for a couple of days."

Before I could stop it, my smile vanished. "No Forks."

Edward looked at me with a perplexed expression.

"I don't want to run into Charlie or Jacob."

At the mention of Jake's name, Edward stiffened and quickly agreed. "You're right. It would be better if Jake and I never met. I honestly don't know what I would do if I ever met the man who hurt you so much."

I remained silent as Edward stared off into space, more than likely thinking about what he would do if that situation actually occurred. But within no time, that mischievous smile returned. His eyes got an excited look in them and he was almost radiating off the cushion.

"I know the perfect place."