Chapter 36 Text

Saturday August 7

For whatever reason, it was a good day. Maybe it was the fact that I got the Dr. James stress off my chest and Edward agreed with me, or the fact summer school was officially done and I had a month just to relax, or maybe it was the fact that the vitamins that I ordered online came yesterday and I felt like I was actually taking a step, making an effort, and taking responsibility for my own well being. Whatever it was, it was causing a smile to grace my lips and a sway to move my hips. I felt sassy and happy.

It was almost noon and Edward was downstairs working on his "homework" from the seminar while I was folding and putting away laundry up in my room. My hips were moving and my butt was shaking to the music that I had blasting as I sorted the basket into different piles. It was strange how domestic today felt, but it felt right.

I sang along to the music as I picked up all my socks, as well as Edward's, and shimmied and danced over to the dresser. I was having a dance party in my room while I sang along with Ne-Yo as he literally told the story of me and Edward. Once the chorus hit, I started bouncing on the balls of my feet and sang louder. "Girl let me love you, and I will love you, until you learn to love yourself. Girl let me love you, and all your trouble, don't - eeekk!"

I jumped and yelped as I felt arms wrap around me. Clearly my music was too loud as I hadn't even heard Edward walk up my squeaky stairs. I immediately calmed as I recognize the arms that were holding me tight and the chest that I was resting the back of my head upon.

“Please don’t stop.” Edward whispered in my left ear before gently kissing my sweet spot behind my lobe.

I just smiled and rested further against him as we started to sway to the music. “Please keep singing," he continued. "It’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.”

I turned my face to the side and slowly met his gaze.

“Hello, love,” he whispered, just before his lips gently grazed mine. I turned in his arms so that our chests were touching and wrapped my arms around his neck. His hands rested low on my back and he started to move with more purpose, causing us to slow dance to the upbeat song.

He kept his eyes locked with mine as he pulled me closer. He only broke our gaze when he would bend to place gentle kisses along my bare shoulder. But as soon as he was done, his eyes would meet mine again. It was such a simple thing, staring into each other's eyes, but it felt so intimate. We kept dancing slowing together, swaying back in forth in my bedroom as the dance track blared from the radio.

All of a sudden, Edward got a wicked gleam in his eyes as he lowered his hands to squeeze my butt and started to sing along with the music, very softly. He leaned in and sang the words against my lips as he brushed his against mine, not kissing me, but definitely teasing me with his wonderful mouth and the appropriate lyrics. When he pulled back, his half smirk was playing on those kissable lips. He was playful today, and so was I.

The song was nearly over when Ne-Yo repeated "Let me love you, baby." over and over again. Edward began to rain little kisses over my cheek, nose, eyelids, and forehead as he sang the words repeatedly. If he was having fun telling me he loved me, I was going to have some fun myself by getting the reasons why he loved me out of him. For every reason he provided, he would get a little kiss, just like I had been getting. The song changed and it was my turn to take over and taunt him

“Edward?" I whispered against his lips, like he had done to mine. Not allowing him to kiss me, but just touch with the gentlest of pressure. "Why do you love me?”

All of a sudden his hands left my backside and were on my upper arms. He gently pushed me away from him. When I pulled back to meet his eyes to see why he was pushing me away, he looked pissed.

“What do you mean why?” He asked in a harsh tone.

“Edward?” I was completely confused about why he was all of a sudden mad. He kept saying that he loved me and I just wanted to know what it was about me that he loved.

“No, Bella," he said as he walked away from me to turn the radio down. He came right back and just stared down at me as he continued. He wasn't shouting at me, but there was definite force and anger in his voice.

"You’ve said that before - that you didn’t deserve to be with me or that you thought that you weren’t good enough - and no matter what I tell you, you don’t get it. Loving you is the only thing in my life that makes sense. It is the easiest thing that I have ever done. Nothing has ever been more effortless or made me happier than having you in my life and loving you. Do you not understand my feelings for you? I LOVE you. Ever single element of you. You are my everything. I plan on making you my future. I plan on marrying you and making you my wife. I plan on you being the mother of my children. I plan on growing old with you, dying right alongside you and spending the rest of eternity with you, holding your hand and loving you for the rest of forever.”

I had tears in my eyes. It was such a dichotomy. This was the most beautiful and passionate thing he had ever said to me, but he said it in anger. I went to interrupt him to tell him that he misunderstood me, but he pressed on.

“You saying that it doesn’t make sense for me to love you, tells me that I’m not showing you why I love you, or how much I love you, or how much I need you. It’s not a choice for me, Bella. I have no choice but to love everything you are.”

He wiped the tears away from my cheek as he pulled me into his arms. His lips pressed into the top of my head as he spoke into my hair.

"You can't ask me why I love you, Bella. I just do."

 "Edward," I began, as I pulled back to look at him in order to clarify the error he made. "I was just asking what it was about me that you loved. I wasn't doubting that you did, I just wanted to know. You were playing around, whispering the song against my lips, so I thought I'd play around to and find out what it was you loved about me.”

Immediately, a look of confusion, embarrassment, shame, and regret passed over his face. He pulled me tight into his chest, pressing my face into the crook of his neck.

"I'm sorry," he whispered against the top of my head. "I just....I...I'm sorry."

It was the first time I'd heard Edward stutter and it was in that moment that I truly realized how worried he was, for not only me, but for our relationship. He was worried that he wasn't showing me how much he loved me, or that he wasn't loving me correctly, the way I needed him to. He didn't realize that him loving me was probably saving my life.

I thought about how I was before Alice's wedding, the dreaded night in the bathtub with the razor and that brief thought of cutting myself. I hated to admit it, because it made me feel selfish, weak and in some way, unfeminist, but Edward really had changed my life.

I pulled back, cupped his face in my hands and kissed him tenderly on the lips. As far as I was concerned, the conversation was over and I wasn't going to bring it up again. I slid my arms up his chest and around his neck, pulling him closer to me, deepening our kiss. His arms continued to hold me tight, almost in desperation, and I felt the same need and urgency.

Edward's tongue swept meaningfully over mine as my fingers slid into his hair and fisted in his tresses. The passion between us only grew as he started to walk me backwards towards the bed. He gently lowered me onto the comforter and piles of sorted laundry, never removing his lips from my flesh.

His kiss explored every inch of exposed skin available. His lips danced over my jaw, down my neck, over the bare skin of my shoulders, across the top of my chest, and back up the other side until his lips were back home against mine. All the while, his hands were undoing the belt on my sleeveless top and lowering it down my body so that we wouldn't have to separate for him to remove it.

When Edward did finally remove his lips from my body, it was only for the briefest of moments to remove the remnants of clothes. He trailed butterfly kisses down my body as he finished lowering my shirt, and then my carpis. He kissed back up my bare legs and over my hip as he pulled my panties down.

I was naked under him, as he kneeled above me. He looked down at me with wonder as he lifted his t-shirt over his head and slipped out of his shorts and boxer briefs. And as soon as we were both naked, we found warmth and comfort in each other's arms. His warm skin was pressed tightly to mine as our lips continued to speak soundless words. He was hard against my thigh and I moved my hip so that I could feel his strength where I needed him.

With gentle thrusts, Edward slid between my lower lips and moved up to hit my clit. My head fell back and a gush of breath left my lips as a surge of desperation, lust and desire soared through my body. I was panting and clinging to Edward and he slowly continued to leisurely slide between my folds.

"Look at me, love."

The softness of the words spoken made my heart flutter as I opened my eyes - which I wasn't aware were closed - and met his gaze. His lips briefly met mine as he thrusting stilled at my entrance. He pulled back to watch me as he gently pressed forward and entered me.

The rhythm he set was slow and gentle. There were no hard thrusts, no rushed tempo. He made love to me, plain and simple. It was all consuming and the most vulnerable we had been with each other. Even when we were both on the brink of our orgasms, we kept the same measured pace. It was desperate, needy, deep, and intense and I had tears in my eyes as I fell apart in his arms. Edward followed a few moments later, my name a whisper on his breath and he stilled above me and then sank into my body.

Our foreheads rested together as our breathing slowed, our lips never more than a few millimeters apart. He gently pulled out of me, the void immediate and profound, but wrapped me in his arms as he cradled me to his chest.

"I love you, Bella." He breathed the words against my damp skin as his lips brushed from across my forehead to my lips where he held them in a soft kiss. "So much."

"I love you, too."

Edward and I eventually got out of bed, got dressed and put the remaining laundry away. It wasn't long before it was decided that we needed to get out of the house and have some fun.

We ended at this little Mexican restaurant that Edward had found. There was a live mariachi band playing in the corner, freshly made chips and salsa on the table and brightly coloured decorations everywhere. It was a very lively and lighthearted environment. Just what I needed. We were cuddled in a round booth that was big enough for six. We sat close together and watched the energy of the restaurant, our hands and legs constantly brushing up against each other.

"Excuse me, Senor." Edward and I looked up from out huge plate of deep-fried ice cream, to see a short, elderly man dressed in stereotypical Mexican garb, standing beside our table. "Would you two like your picture taken?"

Without a word, Edward and I looked into each other’s eyes, and I gave him a small nod as a ridiculous smile spread across my face.

"We would love to," Edward said, as he pulled me closer into his side and kissed the tip of my nose.

We were still facing each other when the gentleman placed two sombreros on the table for us to wear. There was a bright red one that was considerably smaller - that I quickly grabbed - and a bright green one that matched Edward's eyes. 

We donned the ridiculously large hats and posed by for the picture. It was hard to sit so close without the rims of the hats knocking into each other. We finally heard the click of the camera when we were able to hold in our laughter long enough for the man to get a decent picture.

"Come here, you," Edward laughed as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. He leaned me back in the booth and planted a big kiss on my lips. Our hats smashed together as his lips smiled against mine. I could help the laugh that escaped me as he pulled back and righted his sombrero.

On their way out of the restaurant, we walked past a wall of pictures.

"Hey!" I laughed. "There we are."

High up in the top right corner were two pictures of Edward and I. One, where we were facing the camera, clearly holding in our laughter, and the other of us kissing, my back somewhat arched and the brims of our hats pushed together, almost knocking the hats off.

Edward grabbed both pictures off the wall and went back to the cashier.

"So," he started as he held both pictures out to me. "Which one do you want, and which one shall I keep?"

"Mine," I said as I took the one of us kissing.

I couldn't stop the smile on my face. Although you couldn't see our faces clearly in the picture, the way Edward held me, the tenderness of the kiss and the smile on both our lips showed the love we had for each other.

I pushed up on my toes and kissed the underside of Edward's jaw. It was stupid how a simple picture could so how much he loved me. It just made my question this morning so redundant. Edward didn't need to tell me what he loved about me. He loved everything.