Chapter 37

Sunday August 8

"Sooooo...how's the sex?"

"Alice!" I whispered at her from across the table. We were out at our typical Sunday brunch and her question had attracted the attention of the two elderly ladies at the table beside us.

"What? It's not like you're not sleeping with him. You spend every night with him and you haven't even been dating a month. You two have practically moved in together. Clearly you guys are getting carnal."

"It's not every night."

Alice quirked an eyebrow at me from above her glass of water, her right hand absentmindedly rubbing her stomach where her two month old baby bump hadn't even starting to show. Clearly she was challenging me. Has it really been less than a month? It feels like I've been with Edward forever.

"And besides," I continued, "that's not the point. This is neither the time nor the place to be having this discussion."

"Fine," Alice said, with a mischievous look on her face. "Then tell me this. Are you happy?"

"Yes," I said with a timid smile on my face. It was still hard to admit to myself that I was capable of being happy. "I am."

"How many times a week are you happy?" She wiggled her eyebrows at me, making it obvious that she was once again alluding to my bedroom activities with Edward.

"Alice, I - "

"Okay, okay, " she interrupted. She held up her hands in a placating gesture but the smile never left her face. It didn't leave mine either.

oooOOOooo

On the way home, I couldn't get what Alice said out of my mind. Had it really been every night that Edward and I spent together?  Were we practically living together already?

I opened my front door and instantly noticed Edward everywhere. His work shoes and running shoes were neatly paired on my entryway mat, his suitcase was on the landing going upstairs, he had files still piled on the dining room table, and an empty beer bottle sat on the counter.

It was evident that there was a man in this house.

I went upstairs and the proof was even more evident. There was a pair of his sweat pants on the end of the bed, and his toothbrush, deodorant, hair brush, and shaving stuff in the bathroom.

And even if some of his clothes weren't hanging in my closet, folded in my drawers or tossed on the bedroom floor, my house even had begun to smell like Edward. His side of the bed, his pillow, the towel that he used after his shower. Little hints were everywhere, indicating that Alice was right. We pretty much were living together after only a month.

There was mix of joy and nerves when I really stepped back and saw how much of him was in my house. Plus, he already has a house key. Was he slowly moving himself in? Was I ready to live with a boy? And how would it differ from how Edward and I were now?

Edward was out at Emmett and Rose's place watching a football game with Jasper. It was a much deserved day with the boys. He had tried to convince me over morning coffee to come over once I was done my lunch with Alice, but I thought it would be a good idea to let him have his fun. Plus, I was starting to think that it would do us well to start to miss each other.

I would never say anything to him, but I sometimes thought that I still wasn't good enough. I always saw myself as average, simple and ordinary. Not that there was anything wrong with that, I was just normal. Whereas Edward, he was just amazing. And somewhere deep inside, I was worried that if I clung too hard, or let him know how much I wanted and needed him, that I would turn into the "clingy girlfriend" and he would start to pull away.

Distance would do us - me - some good. Plus, I was quickly realizing that I should figure out how I felt about the whole "Edward pretty much lives here now" thing.

I had the rest of the day to vacuum, clean the bathroom, do some grocery shopping, and start cooking dinner. I didn't expect Edward to be home until later that night, as Alice had said that football games could go on forever.

I was sitting in the living room, eating a big bowl of spaghetti with meat sauce and watching "The Big Bang Theory" marathon, when I heard a car door shut. Looking out my front window, I saw Edward walking up the driveway, looking incredibly sexy in green cargo shorts and a white tank. At 6:13pm, he was home a whole two hours earlier than I had expected him.

I walked into the kitchen to get Edward a bowl for dinner and realized that not only had I forgotten to take my new vitamins with dinner, but I had also yet to tell Edward that I was taking them. I honestly didn't know why I was hiding it, or even if I was hiding it, but I knew that it was something I wanted to try for myself, without any external influences.

I popped the dark green and light yellow vitamins, washing them down with the remnants of the tangy herbal tea that I hadn't decided if I liked or not. Although I was a bit skeptical that the herbal teas and vitamins I ordered would work, I needed to give them a shot.

 "Love?"

A smile turned up my lips as I put my cup in the sink and went into the hallway. Edward was already half way to the kitchen when he caught me in his arms and placed a kiss on the top of my head.

"How was the game?" My arms gave one quick squeeze before I let him go and took a step back to look at him.

"It was alright. I'm more of a baseball fan myself."

"Have you had dinner yet?"  I led him into the kitchen as his hand rested on my lower back.

"No, but Rosalie had so much food that I've been eating non-stop all day."

Together, we cleaned up the kitchen. He put the leftovers into multiple small Tupperware containers, which were perfect for single meal servings, while I washed the pots and pans. Like yesterday with the laundry, it hit me once again how domesticated, but right this all felt. Doing simple, daily chores with Edward made me happy.

But I immediately had to stop and ask myself why, if simple daily chores with Edward made me happy, was I concerned with the fact that we had spent almost every night together, his possessions were strewn all over my home and we had only been dating for less than a month? Alice's wedding was on July 10th, today was August 8th. Less than a month together and I was in love, with someone in love with me in return, been intimate with this person multiple times, and was in a completely trusting and committed relationship. Wasn't this what I always wanted? Wasn't this what I had wanted with Jake, a safe, normal, secure relationship with love, honesty, and true partnership? 

Life had been a struggle when Jake was in it. It was hard to believe that I was desired since he only desired me when he was lonely and horny. In some ways, it hurt to think of Jake in that capacity - the man who used me - since at times, he was a good friend. We had had fun together when we were kids and Charlie and Billy would take us on fishing trips or to barbeques. I had confided in Jake, and trusted him, but I had never gotten any trust - or even acknowledgement at some times - in return. I had given my heart to Jake, and so unlike Edward, Jake had used it to his advantage. He had bruised my heart - and at one point, my body - in order to get what he wanted, but I had still wanted the "safe, normal, and secure" relationship with him. I knew, even then, that I was broken, but when you're in pieces and someone shows you attention and affection, the pieces start to put themselves back together, even if the pieces don't go back in their proper spots.

All I wanted my whole life, the almost 15 years of off and on with Jake, was exactly what I had with Edward, and once again, I was living in my head and over analyzing it instead of seeing it for what it was and appreciating it. Did the length of our relationship really matter if Edward was giving me everything that I needed, not to mention, wanted? He was so much better than Jake, so much better for me, that although Jake would always be there since he was my first love, his light had dimmed and he now sat in the back corner on my mind. Edward had taken his place in the forefront and in that moment, time didn't matter, at least I didn't think it did.

"Edward," I began as I put the pot that I was absentmindedly scrubbing down. "Does time matter?"

He popped on the lid of the last container and stacked it with the rest of the others in the fridge. "What do you mean?"

"I mean for us. We've been dating for less than a month and you spend pretty much every night here, you have your stuff here, and a key to my place. Does it matter that we are already that far along in our relationship when we haven't been dating for that long?"

I could tell that Edward knew I was once again stuck in my head and his doctor mode came out. "Does it matter to you?"

"No," I replied with surprising confidence, "this works for us. This is what I want and I like how things are. I just didn't know if we were moving too fast. If you think about it, you pretty much live here."

"Does that bother you?" he asked, clearly still taking a clinical approach.

"I don't think so...no. No, it doesn't. Does it bother you?"

The doctor mask slid away and the man I loved smiled back at me and he stepped in front of me and held my face in his gentle hands.

"No," he whispered, as he gently kissed my lips. "If it bothered me, I wouldn't be here all the time. I want to be with you and I'll go to wherever you are."

I loved this man more than I ever thought I was capable. Somehow, he was on the same page as me regarding our feelings for each other, but never let them take over his rational side, or let them interfere with what we both knew was right.

"Let’s spend the night at your place," I said, trying to be unselfish and considerate of his needs. "We haven't spent much time there at all and it must be a pain and a chore for you to always have to pack stuff to bring here."

 "Bella, when it comes to you, nothing is a pain or a chore."

We finished up in the kitchen, then it was my turn to pack a bag for the night. Edward had to work tomorrow so I knew that I only had to pack a limited number of items. I didn't really have anything exciting planned for the next day, probably just working on my prep for the school year and maybe start on some of the books I ordered with the teas and vitamins.

oooOOOooo

"Babe, you want something to drink?"

I looked over the back of the old, ratty couch to see Jacob standing at the top of the steps, his arms above his head, grasping the doorframe. The muscles in his arms made the tight black t-shirt he was wearing look like he had bought it in the junior department. I wouldn't have been surprised if the sleeves ripped from around his biceps.

I sat there, looking up at the man that I longed for, a man that in some way, I loved, and just stared at the cocky smile playing on his lips. He knew what he was doing to me but he did it anyway. And for some masochistic reason, it turned me on and made my mouth dry.

"Just some water," I called back before turning around and facing the TV. If I looked at him any longer, I would blush and giggle like the insecure girl I was. Jacob knew how I felt about him, he had known for years, and he used it to his every advantage.

I was in my second year of College and today was my birthday. Every one of my friends bailed on me and I ended up sitting at the bar with a girl from work who I didn't really know or like that much. Jacob was out across town with a friend of his at a pub and said to call him "later" so we could "hook up." That was one of his favourite phrases. He would tell me to call him "later" but was never available when I called. Or, more telling, was when he said he'd call me "later" and I didn't hear from him for eight months. I guess we had a very different definition of "later."

As I left the bar, completely embarrassed that the only person that was there was the girl that picked me up, I called Jacob to see if he was ready to "hook up later." Of course he was drunk, but he was back home and said to come over.

Danielle, the girl from work, had just dropped me off and Jacob had already pulled his famous "grab and twist" on my chest and smacked my butt as I walked past him to the basement. Not only was Jake drunk, he was also a bit stoned.

"Here you go."

I turned to see Jake put a glass of water, a bottle of beer and a glass pipe on the table. I quickly took a drink to help moisten my dry mouth.

Before I could put the glass back down on the table, Jake was leaning on top of me, forcing my body back with his, the scratchy stubble of his day old scruff scraping my neck and chin.

"Jake..."I struggled in his grip, trying to push him away. One of his hands was tight on my waist while the other had my wrist pinned to the armrest of the couch.

"Don't worry, Bells. We're just having fun." He loosened his grip on me, lightly trailing his fingers up and down my arms, before his hand rested on the side of my breast. The other still held my waist but loosened to slide under my shirt and up my back.

His lips met mine in a soft kiss, showing the side of Jacob I always longed for, but knew wouldn't  stay for long. I held onto this Jacob, kissing him back with as much tenderness and passion as I had.

His hands moved over my body in a smooth, soft dance, while his lips once again returned to my neck and chin. I linked my fingers into the belt loops of his pants and tried to pull him tighter into me before the moment was ruined.

"Why won't you sleep with me? Is there something wrong with you down there?"

And just like that, not only was the moment ruined, but I felt ridiculed, disgusted, ashamed, and on the verge of tears. There was nothing wrong with me "down there" as Jacob put it. I just didn't want to be with a man who didn't really want to be with me.

I tried pushing Jake away but the hand that was sliding up my back slid back down to my waist and held me in place. He pulled back to look at me with glossy, bloodshot eyes. He had a genuine look of confusion.

"I didn't mean to insult you, Bells. I was just wondering what's wrong with you."

I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I pushed him off, and went up the stairs to get my keys. It was then that I realized that I didn't drive myself here and Jacob was drunk and stoned and couldn't drive me home either.

"Bells, just come sit back down. I didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure everything is working fine down there."

I stopped at the top of the steps and stared down at the beautiful man who was making me cry. I couldn't get the words out, stumbling over myself, trying to tell him to just forget it and leave me alone.

My crappy birthday had officially turned into a shit show and I couldn't get out of the house fast enough. I was halfway to the front door when I heard his huge body clumping up the stairs.

"Bells, wait," he said, as he put his arm around my waist and pull me into a backwards embrace.

I wrapped my hands around his arms that were around my waist and dug my nails into his wrists.

"Don't touch me." I growled with my back still to Jake as I dug my nails in harder and tore his hands from around my body.

"Ouch, Bella. What the hell?"

"Get your hands off me." I kept trying to release the grip around my waist but his hands held me tighter.

"Love, it's me. Wake up."