Tuesday August 3
“Edward!!!
I can’t find my shoe!!” I was running late for work, dressed in a new purple
blouse that Alice
brought me back from her trip, and a black pencil skirt.
Edward
poked his head out of the bathroom, toothpaste foaming at the corner of his
mouth as he continued to brush.
“Did
you look under the bed?” he mumbled, as he walked back into the bathroom to
rinse out his mouth.
I
carefully crouched down in my tight skirt to find my left shoe hidden under the
mattress along with my pajama shorts from the night before.
The
morning had been chaotic. Edward had already been up for half an hour and was
ready to walk out the door. He came out of the bathroom washed, dressed, and
brushed, looking like a freaking Adonis. I, on the other hand, was un-showered,
had thrown my hair up in a ponytail, and was on my hands and knees picking up
everything that I had tossed from my bag this morning while I was looking for
my bra. I had been so comfortable in his bed last night that I slept through my
alarm.
On
top of everything else, I left my school bag with all the kids’ assignments at
home, so I needed to pick it up before heading to class.
I
finished getting dressed, re-packed my bag, grabbed my shoe, and ran down
stairs. Edward was waiting for me at the front door with a travel mug of tea
and a granola bar for my breakfast. I slid my left shoe on, grabbed the tea and
granola bar from Edward, kissed him, gave him a quick ‘I love you’, and ran to
my truck. Being late was one of my biggest pet peeves and I knew that if I
didn’t get my butt in gear, I was going to be late for class.
I
could hear Edward laughing at me as he followed me out of the house and down
the driveway. Even though it only took Edward seven minutes to drive to work,
it would take me twenty minutes to get home and another twenty to drive to
school. Regularly, it wouldn’t have been an issue to sleep in as the class
didn’t start until ten. However, it was quarter to eight and I had promised the
kids I’d be there at nine so that they could get the classroom and any
materials ready for their final project presentations.
Thankfully,
the traffic was light and my bag with the kids’ assignments was right by the
front door. I threw my overnight bag on the landing, grabbed my school bag and
ran back out of the house.
It
was the last three days of class for the summer. As the final part of their
assignment, the students were to present their stories to the rest of the
class. They were to stand up, summarize the story they studied and present
their final essay about how they would have changed the story if they were the
original author. They were to give us an example of how they would have written the piece. This was honestly my favourite
part of my job; the students getting to showcase their talent and be proud of
the work they had done.
The
interesting part about their presentation was the freedom. Since there were
only twelve students in the class, each student got thirty minutes to showcase
their presentation any way they wanted. I had gotten an outline from them last
week and was anxious about how today would go. Some of the presentations were
being performed; acting, a spoken word piece and a puppet show, while others
were made before hand and simply being presented; PowerPoints, comic strips,
and even a short film.
I
pulled into the school parking lot with plenty of time to spare. And even
though I was early, there were a couple of kids sitting in the football field,
rehearsing their presentations. I went into the school and more students were
sitting in the hallway in front of the door.
“Good
morning, all.” I smiled at my eager students as I unlocked the door and held it
open for them. I was astonished by what they had all brought.
Why does Lincoln have all this wood with him? I tried to remember what
Linc’s presentation was supposed to be, but all I remembered was him submitting
an outline that said “bring Depends.”
When I had asked him to explain, he just laughed and said to trust him. From
what I could figure out, we were either going to be laughing so hard we’d need
the adult diapers or he was going to do something to scare the crap out of us.
Students
slowly started trickling in as I set out their final essays for them to pick
up. All their work had been marked and returned and their grades, unknown to
them, had already been tabulated. So far, no one was under an 80% and by the
looks of it, after today’s presentations, no one would be under an 85%.
We
had already established an order to the presentations and the first student,
Sara, was getting herself ready. She asked for help in moving all the desks out
into the hallway and proceeded to turn the classroom into a storybook corner,
decorated the room like an enchanted forest. She had pillow, and blankets set
out, almost covering the entire classroom floor. There were posters of trees
taped to the wall, leaves from outside scattered on the floors, stuffed
rabbits, squirrels, mice and bears placed here and there, and she had a tape
playing in the background of birds chirping and wind blowing.
We
all grabbed pillows and blankets and crowded around where Sara sat in a rocking
chair she snatched from the drama room. She pulled out a large book, almost
half the side of her, and held it on her lap. Sara had created a beautifully
illustrated children’s book and was presenting it to us as “story time” in
kindergarten.
Sara
had decided to change Romeo and Juliet
into a children’s story about a mother bird that had to watch her baby bird
struggle to find her footing, or wings as Sara had put it.
Her
illustrations were breathtaking and although her story somewhat resembled that
of Gnomeo and Juliet; the red
cardinals verses the blue jays, different bird families nesting in neighbours
back yards and rivaling over the fence, it was still very well written,
presented and received by the class. It was lighthearted, comical and excellent
for children.
The
next presentation was Lincoln’s, who ended up changing the comedy, The Princess Bride, into a ghost story
about Inigo Montoya. He was a ghost hunter who spent his entire life searching
for the spirit of the six fingered man who killed his father.
Linc
had set up the classroom like a campground; sleeping bags on the floor, logs
arranged in the centre of the room to create a fire pit, flashlights and
battery operated lanterns placed haphazardly amongst the group, and he had all
the lights in the room turned off and the curtains closed. As an extra, he also
had fake fire logs that he plugged into the wall, which added a creepy glow to
the room and marshmallows for everyone to snack on.
We
got six presentations done by the end of class. The rest we would finish
tomorrow. I was energized by the presentations and decided that I wanted to do
something fun tonight. I stopped at the market on the way home, picked up some
steaks, chicken, vegetables, and fajita shells, as well as stopped in at the
liquor store for some Corona’s. I hated the beer, but I knew Edward would
appreciate it.
Alice had always done fiesta night
in college and it was a blast. I figured Edward and I deserved some fun.
I got
home and immediately marinated the steaks and chicken. I pre-sliced the red,
green, and yellow peppers as well as the onions that I would fry up and mashed
up the avocado to make guacamole.
I still had a couple of hours before Edward
would be over. And I had to say, this was the part I hated the most; the
waiting. Time also stood still when I was waiting to see him, especially when I
had one of my – admittedly, very rare – good days. I couldn’t wait to share
today’s presentations with him. I was ecstatic about how everything had gone
and how much the students had grown in their confidence, their talent and their
ambition.
I
grabbed a glass of water, a quick lunch, and my laptop and sat out back. I
finished updating the final marks and report card comments for the students who
had done their presentations today, leaving the other six for tomorrow once the
rest of the remaining students were done their presentations.
I was
just about to log off and flip the meat marinating in the fridge, when a
document in the bottom left corner of my desktop caught my eye. It was the
symptoms checklist that I had filled out before going to the clinic. I clicked
it open and re-read my answers. I was actually surprised at how honest I had
been when filling it out. It was proof that I had taken my first step in
opening up and admitting I had a problem. I felt good to realize that I finally
admitted that I felt depressed and that I had sought help. I went to the clinic
by myself and then went to see Dr. James.
Immediately,
yesterday’s conversation with Alice
popped into my head. She had been adamant that she did not want me to see Dr.
James again. She had a feeling about him, and when Alice had a feeling, you didn’t bet against
it.
But
in all fairness, as uncomfortable as it had been talking to Dr. James, and as
much as he bothered me, looking back, it was still good that I was doing
something, even if Dr. James turned out to be the wrong something.
I
pulled up my search engine and started googling “help for depression” to see if
there were any clinics or group meeting that I could participate in. I was still
hesitant about opening up and being 100% honest with a complete stranger, but I
wasn’t foolish enough to think if I ignored my problems, they would just go
away. I knew I had to see someone, but also believed that I needed to work up
to that point. There had to be something I could do in the interim to get me
comfortable and confident enough to confide in someone.
There
were plenty of counseling agencies listed, as well as books, tapes, blogs,
essays, “thing to do at home” suggestions, and home remedies. I took a long
time looking at all the different website, took notes about what different
people said and what would work for me. Some stuff I laughed at, but some
suggestions and home remedies seemed legit with proven results. And most
importantly, they seemed like something I was actually capable of and willing
to do. I wasn’t naïve enough to believe everything I read on the internet, but
when more than one website, including the American Association of Naturopathic
Physicians, said that something worked, I tended to believe it with a little
more validity.
With
a lot of hesitation, yet, slight determination, I ordered some books, vitamins
and herbs. I did some extra research about the vitamins and herbs, and it
looked like they had very minimal side effects, if any at all. They could be
bought at any drug store, and were even sold at Wal-Mart, so I knew they
weren’t some random pills and teas that someone was making in their garage. At
least I wasn’t giving up, like I normally would have. I didn’t find the answer
with Dr. James, so I was looking for help somewhere else. Surprisingly, I felt
proud.
I
turned off my computer just as I heard the sound of a car pulling in my
driveway. Grabbing the guacamole, nacho chips and a beer from the fridge for
Edward, I started to set things out on the dining room table.
“Honey,
I’m home,” Edward laughed, as he used his key, which I will never regret giving
him, to let himself in.
An
automatic smile lit up my face at his light heartedness as I made my way to the
front door to greet him properly. I was amazed at how comfortable and confident
I was with him after only a couple of weeks. As scared as I was to admit it, he
really had changed my life.
I
walked up to him as he was toeing his shoes off and wrapped my arms around his
neck. He immediately wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me tight to
his body, his nose burying itself in the nape of my neck.
“Welcome
home,” I whispered into his ear before I pulled my head back and kissed him
lightly on his cheek.
The
only response I got was a deep hum in his throat and a tightening of his arms
around me. I could feel his lips peppering gentle kissed on my shoulder. That
was enough of a response for me.
We
stood there in the foyer, holding each other, and relaxing into each other.
He
breathed a soft “I love you” into my ear before he pulled back just enough to
press his lips to mine. It was a slow but quick kiss, but it showed me how much
he actually meant the words.
“So
how was your day?” I asked, as I dragged him into the kitchen and handed him
his Corona.
He
took a large gulp before he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind as I
started to cut up the steak and chicken to fry.
“It
was great,” he started. “I missed you but am so excited that Jasper is back. It
still kinda sucks that we don’t get to work directly together, but we still get
to see plenty of each other.”
I
could picture Edward smiling like a little kid as he continued talking about
working with his best friend. He rested his chin on my shoulder, kissing my
neck, chin and shoulder sporadically as he continued with his day and I
continued to fry up dinner.
“…and
then he got this really sly look on his face and he asked me about Sunday.”
I put
the ladle I was using to stir the peppers and onions down, turned around in his
arms and immediately, a flush of nerves shot through my entire body.
“What
do you mean he asked you about Sunday?”
“Well,
apparently Alice
told him about how she and Rose over heard us saying we loved each other, the
kiss at the door when I was leaving and how she and Rose interrogated you after
I left but you wouldn’t tell them anything. She told him a little bit about
your conversation yesterday, but he was still curious.”
“Curious
about...” I should have known that Alice
would have told Jasper everything. They were married and Alice did love to talk. I was just surprised
that Jasper cared enough to ask Edward to elaborate.
“Bella,”
he smiled as he wrapped me tighter in his arms and lowered his forehead to
mine, “he was just worried about you, as I’m sure Alice is, too. They left for their honeymoon
after you ran out of their wedding in tears, only to come back to you and I in
love. They care about you and just want to make sure you’re okay.”
My
eyes automatically closed and a shiver ran through my body at the memory of how
I acted at Alice’s
wedding. True, it was hard for me to be there, and still hard for me to admit
my jealousy of Alice
getting everything she ever wanted, but I could have, and more importantly,
should have acted differently.
“People
care about you, Bella. More than you realize.”
Edward
told me about his conversation with Jasper as we finished making dinner. He
admitted that he told him what had been going on and was worried how I would
react to him talking about us to Jasper. After our conversation yesterday,
after I came back from Alice’s,
I was surprised that he would be concerned about talking to Jasper. It was only
fair that if I got to talk to someone about us, then he should too.
Our
fiesta night was light hearted after that. We snacked on fajitas and nachos
while I told him about the presentations that took place today and we held each
other on the couch while “The Three Amigos” played in the background.
And
although we laughed, kissed, held each other and were happy, for some reason,
the slightest hint of anxiety crept in the back on my mind as we started to
clean up the kitchen and get ready for bed. No, it wasn’t anxiety, it was
guilt. Guilt over the fact that although I loved him, trusted him and confided
in him, I didn’t tell him about what I had purchased online today and my
feelings about not wanting to go back to Dr. James. I was keeping this a secret
from him and I didn’t know why.
For
some strange reason, although I knew I should and could tell Edward everything
about my doubts about the creepy therapist and my decision to try things at
home until I felt ready to open up to a stranger, I just couldn’t. I wasn’t
sure if it was because I was afraid he’d be disappointed in me, or the fact
that even though I was proud of myself for looking for alternate aids than
therapy, I was disappointed in myself for giving up on getting professional
help, since I knew it was what I needed.
