CH 35

Hello everyone, 

I hope that everyone had a great new years and that 2013 is treating you right. Once again, I have failed at posting on time and posting a teaser. But I hope you will forgive me as CH 35 is now posted below.

Thanks to everyone who continues to read, and I know that I take FOREVER to post new chapters, but I truly do appreciate every comment and review I get.

Chapter 35

Friday August 6

Edward was wrong.

He slept at his house last night so that I could get a good night’s sleep before today’s appointment with Dr. James. He didn’t want me to wake up when he did, since he would have to get up at the crack of dawn, so he let me sleep alone in my big, cold, empty bed.

Well, for being a doctor, he sure was an idiot. I hadn’t had a nightmare since we started sharing a bed, and of course last night, the nightmares started up again. And unlike my previous dreams, this one wasn’t a mock or a farfetched fear. This one was about my appointment today. It was about the questions Dr. James would ask, the buttons he would push and the answers he would analyze in order to get to my real pain.

By the time I woke up, my dream had me completely broken down, doubting myself and regressed to my ‘pre-Alice’s-wedding state’ as I called it. I was anxious, nauseous, and couldn’t get back to sleep.

Stupid Edward and his stupid courteous behaviour.

I had reluctantly called Dr. James’ office this morning and asked if he still had an opening today. Luckily, or unluckily as I was starting to see it, my appointment slot was still vacant. And even more unfortunate, was that the feelings that were prevalent in my dream, followed me all morning.

"Miss Swan?"

I shook myself out of my reverie and re-focused on my surroundings. I was sitting in the waiting room waiting to be summoned by the creepy therapist. The same receptionist who hit on Edward last week sat behind her desk and was glaring at me expectantly.

"Dr. James will see you now."

"Oh, uh, thank you." My voice was soft and full of tension. And as I collected my purse and put back the magazine I held but hadn't bothered to open, I saw a roll of the eyes and an unladylike snort escape the bitch behind the desk.

I braced myself as I walked down the hall and stood in front of Dr. James' door. Last week, the rude receptionist walked me down and opened the door for me. But today, I was directed to the door and had to find the courage to knock and open the door myself. As small of a change as it was, I felt like I was thrown into a new job after only watching an orientation video. I had an idea of what to expect, but no preparation at all.

Without giving myself a chance to second guess my action, I knocked on the mahogany door and stood, waiting for instruction. Expecting just a simple "come in," I was taken aback when the door opened and Dr. James stood in front of me, a proud smile on his face.

"Well, Miss Swan. I'm glad you came back. Please, come in."

After taking the same seat I was directed to last week and then watching the same routine of Dr. James getting himself a drink but not offering one to me, we sat across from each other in silence.

"Well, Miss Swan," he started, without any form of customary pleasantry or small talk. "Are you willing to continue where we left off and impart your philosophy of fate on me this week?"

It took me a moment to understand what he was talking about. I remembered we had left off talking about one of the points on humanistic psychology; that everyone must take personal responsibility for their actions, whether the result was positive or negative. In his opinion, I was in control of my life and needed to be accountable for the path my life had taken. I, on the other hand, said that although I did have control over some elements of my life, fate also took part of the blame.

"Well," I hedged, "I still believe that although we are definitely accountable for elements of our lives, we can't be accountable for everything in our life that has shaped who we are. I have no control over how other people view or treat me. It's peoples free will. I can't control that."

Immediately, Dr. James started writing things down in his book with a sinister sneer on his face, as if he was already goading me into his trap.

"What do you mean 'peoples free will'? Don't you think you have an influence over how people treat you?" There was a smile in his voice as Dr. James started his analysis of my answers.

"To some extent, yes, but not explicitly."

"Why not? Clearly who you are determines how people relate and react to you."

For some reason, that statement made me angry. He was implying that people aren't who they innately are, but that we simply react to each other. That people don't have different opinions, morals, values, ideals and personalities. We just feed off each other, causing reactions and consequences, instead of making decisions. That everyone is reactive, not action or purpose driven.  That the victim isn't a victim because of the action of the perpetrator, but because they acted like a victim in the first place.

"I know that no matter how kind I was, Jacob always took advantage of me and that changed how I saw my self-worth. No matter what I did to help my father, kept in touch and worked at being a good daughter, Charlie never saw me or appreciated what I did. And no matter how much baggage I have, or how much I don't believe I deserved it, Edward will always love me." The words were out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying.

"Who's Jacob?"

                    

Those two words shocked me more than anything he had said so far. I hadn't even realized that I had brought up Jake until it was too late. I didn't want to talk about Jacob and the influence he had on my life. I knew that I blamed him for how I saw myself and how I acted in relationships, but he couldn't take all the blame. It was my fault for allowing him to have so much control over my life for so many years. I kept going back to him, knowing that I shouldn't but never thinking I could get any better. I was settling for something I didn't want, someone who treated me poorly because I never thought I could get any better.

This was the stuff that I didn't want to get into with someone I wasn't comfortable with. Maybe with a different doctor that I trusted and built some sort of a foundation with, but not with Dr. Creepy. But then on the other hand, the likelihood of me coming back to see Dr. James was slim. So perhaps telling him, knowing I'd never see him again, might be beneficial.

"Jacob is an old boyfriend."

I knew that Dr. James would dig deeper so I thought that I'd start out as simplistically as I could. And I was right. He asked more about Jacob and if I had never taken that romantic road with Jacob, where I thought my life would be? Would it look better than the one I was living?

The majority of the questions I didn't have an answer for. It was all hypothetical situations that I would have no way of definitively knowing. I answered some of the questions, like if Jacob was a good experience or a bad one and how his treatment of me shaped how I saw myself, but the rest I evaded.

At the end of what seemed like the longest hour of my life, Dr. James ripped out a page from his book and handed it to me.

"Well, Miss Swan, our time is up. But I want you to take these questions home and think about them."

I looked at the sheet in my hand and four questions written on it.

What do you need to achieve your desired potential? 

What responsibility do you have to yourself to live a more positive, fulfilling life?

What motivators do you have in your life?

What motivates you to get up, to go to work, to grow as a person?

We said a quick goodbye and I left the office, once again walking past his receptionist without scheduling a follow-up appointment. I didn't know how I felt after this second session. Dr. James still freaked me out, although he had given me a lot to think about. It was frightening how honest I had been in my thoughts of Jacob and how, although I knew he was partially to blame, so was I. I didn't want to admit that to Dr. James, but it made sense that I was accountable, to some degree, for allowing Jake to shape who I was. I knew that he didn't treat me properly, but I made the conscious decision to keep going back to him. Maybe Dr. James was right about personal accountability.

I was in a daze as I made my way home, thinking about the session. The more I thought about it, the more Dr. James' words and philosophy came together. I kept going back to Jake, hoping he would treat me better or see me differently. I was the one who called Charlie weekly even though there was really no point. He never saw me, never cared, but I always hoped. I allowed both these men to walk all over me and never stood up for myself. Why would they think there was anything wrong with how they were treating me if I kept falling into the same roles I had with them and never said anything to the contrary?

I was half way to the door before I noticed I was home and that Edward's car was in the driveway. I was actually looking forward to talking to him about today's session. To get his opinion on my new insight.

"Edward?" I called as I walked in and kicked off my flip flops.

"In here," he called from the kitchen.

I walked into the dining room to see papers and books spread out all over the table and Edward leaning over a file with a pencil in his mouth. He looked adorable sitting at the table with his hand in his hair, messing it up even more, a studious look on his face and chewing on the pencil. He was clearly deep in thought about something.

"What's all this?" I asked as I walked up beside him and kissed the top of his head.

"Just research that they gave out at this morning's meeting. It was a debriefing of the webinar from earlier in the week. The British Association that was hosting the webinar emailed the Chief a couple of sample case studies based on the new philosophies that were discussed and we have the weekend to develop a treatment plan."

"They gave you homework?" I couldn't keep the chuckle out of the voice when I saw the look of distress on Edward's face. He looked like a college kid cramming for finals.

"Yeah, I know," he answered, as he closed the file that was open in front of him. "I didn't sign up for this." The smile on his face was a clear indication that he was joking. He was in his element and loving every minute of it.

He pivoted in his chair, wrapped his arms around my waist and looked up at me with playful eyes. "Hi," he said sweetly as he lifted his chin, clearly looking for a kiss.

I leaned down, placed a soft, gentle kiss on his lips. "Hi," I answered back as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "So how is the case study going?"

"Good actually, but I could use a study break. Want to join me?"

Edward and I walked down the street hand-in-hand to the ice cream shop on the corner. The entire way, he was talking about the study and his hypothetical treatment plan, using the new philosophies discussed in the seminar. We each got a cone at the window and continued to walk to Madison Beach.

"So tell me how this morning went?" Edward asked as we sat on the grass and stared out at the water.

We sat on the grass, eating our ice cream and talked about my session with Dr. James. Edward was actually a bit surprised at his cold demeanor and lack of social pleasantries but agreed that Dr. James seems to be getting me to think. We were also on the same page when it came to fate. He agreed that although we do have a lot of control, not everything in our life is up to us.

"So are you going to go back next week?" Edward asked as we threw out our napkins and started heading home.

"I don't know. I agree that he's making me think, and that the questions he gave me to think about are important things to address, but there's just something about him."

"So it wasn't the idea of therapy that you don't like, just James?"

I thought about our conversation yesterday and how Edward was concerned that I was bailing on therapy after just going once.

"No, it's not therapy I don't like. I just want to find someone I am more comfortable with. And I want to be more comfortable with myself before I start opening up to a stranger and letting them analyze my life. I want to know and trust the person digging around."

We walked in silence for a bit before Edward spoke in a gentle tone.

"I agree," he said as he squeezed my hand in assurance. "You should feel comfortable opening yourself up to someone. If you're closed off and concerned about what someone will think, you won't be honest and receptive to their opinion."

It surprised me how easily he saw my way of thinking. I was always concerned that he would be disappointed in me for not wanting to do therapy anymore. I truly did underestimate how much he got me.

By the time we got home, we had agreed that I would still like to get some help, but not with Dr. James. I told him about the number I got for Dr. Cook and we discussed the option of seeing her. Edward said that if I wanted to give her a call, he would support it 100% but said he would ask around to see if there were any other humanistic psychologists in the area, as this approach seemed to be working. It seemed like we had a plan that we were both happy with. At that moment, I had no idea why I was so worried about talking to him about my concerns with Dr. James. Clearly, he would still want me to go and give it an honest effort, but he knew me, knew what would work best for me and I trusted him. All that worrying was for nothing.

"What's that smile about?" I asked as we walked up the driveway and into the house. For some reason, he had a developed a mischievous grin and seemed to be excited about something.

"Well," he smiled, "you're done with school now and I have a couple of days off coming up. I was just thinking that we should go away somewhere."

"Where were you thinking?" I asked as we settled onto the couch. I was concerned that he wanted to take some grand trip somewhere that I couldn't afford. I remembered the argument we had when we first started dating about him wanting to take me to a fancy restaurant. I didn't want to go through that again.

"It doesn't matter. Let’s just get away. We can rent a cottage somewhere, or go camping. We can go to Forks if you want. Let’s just get out of the city for a couple of days."

Before I could stop it, my smile vanished. "No Forks."

Edward looked at me with a perplexed expression.

"I don't want to run into Charlie or Jacob."

At the mention of Jake's name, Edward stiffened and quickly agreed. "You're right. It would be better if Jake and I never met. I honestly don't know what I would do if I ever met the man who hurt you so much."

I remained silent as Edward stared off into space, more than likely thinking about what he would do if that situation actually occurred. But within no time, that mischievous smile returned. His eyes got an excited look in them and he was almost radiating off the cushion.

"I know the perfect place."

CH 34

Hello all you beautiful people.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Yule  or whatever celebration you had over the winter. I know it's been over a month since I've updated, but unfortunately with the holidays, this story wasn't even on my radar.

 As you might have noticed, I didn't post a teaser this time. I figured since I was such a fail at updating, I'll just get right to it. So here it is, CH 34 and the outfits.

Enjoy!

~JustTry

Chapter 34

Thursday, August 5

I couldn’t get the smile off my face. I had been at school since 8:30, setting up the classroom and decorating it all. I had food and drinks laid out, music playing from the corner of the room and games set up all over the floor. Behind my desk was a surprise for each student. I had been up early finishing them all and was quite please with how everything turned out.

I had purchased hard cover journals, gone to the dollar store, purchased scrapbooking material and personalized a journal and bookmark for each student. It wasn’t much, and as their teacher, I shouldn’t have been giving them a gift in the first place, but I was so proud of them that I couldn’t help myself. Besides, it was fun to be crafty.

At 9:30, a full half hour before the class officially started, students started arriving and didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t told them about the party and hadn’t given them any indication what their last day of summer school would hold. And by the smiles on their faces, the excitement in their eyes, and the squeals of joy that emanated out of their mouths, I knew that keeping it a surprise was the right thing to do.

We left the music loud, as we were the only class in the school, played games, and snacked on the munchies I brought. Eventually, the excitement settled down and we went over what they had learned this summer. I was surprised how emotional I felt when the students commented on their own development over the summer. I couldn’t believe that I had actually made a difference in these kids’ lives in just a couple of months. For the first time in…ever…I felt competent, worthy, and important. I had made a difference. I had done something to help these kids grow and learn. 

To stop the growing lump in my throat, I grabbed the journals that I had gotten each of them and handed them out. I had written a little note to each of the students, praising the work they did and encouraging them to keep writing.

As the class wound down and the last little scraps of food got nibbled up, I excused the kids early and started to clean up. It wasn’t until I heard a throat clear that I noticed none of the students had actually left the classroom.

“Miss Swan?” Lydia asked, as all the kids stood side by side, glancing at each other. “We got you a little something, too.”

Linc went out into the hallway and came back with a huge card and wrapped box with a big red bow on top.

“A little help?” he asked, as it was hard for him to carry the large gift and the oversized card all at once.

I went to help him, but some of the students led me to my desk, while others helped Linc carry the present. I was literally pushed to sit on the corner of my desk while the class all gathered around.

“The gift is from everyone, Miss Swan,” Bryan said, and helped put the gift on my desk. “We just wanted to say thank you for all the work you’ve done with us this summer. You’ve made a huge difference in our lives and we want you to know that we’ll never forget it. And hopefully, you’ll never forget us.”

Tears were trickling down my face when Linc put the oversized card on my lap.

“Of course I won’t forget you guys. No other student’s have made me cry,” I laughed, as I started to open the card.

Each student had written a beautiful message, which only made the tears continue.

“Thank you, everyone. This is so sweet.” I tried to wipe away the tears that trickled down my cheek as daintily as possible before going to the large box.

I lifted off the lid and gasped when I looked inside.

“Holy crap!!” My hand automatically covered my mouth as the words left my lips. The students grinned and chuckled. “Sorry, but guys, this is too much.”

One at a time, I removed each item and set it on the table.

There was a fake Oscar trophy that had “Award of Excellence” on the front. A hard cover copy of the book each student studied this summer, a copy of each of their ‘additions’ to the story, bound to look like a real book, a beautiful leather journal that had a fall leaf pattern on it, and an individual letter written and sealed from each student.

Another treacherous tear slid down my cheek as I hugged each of them. I knew that I was being completely unprofessional but I couldn’t help it. These kids had shown me my value and worth more than a thousand hours with Dr. James ever would.

After I packed everything up and had some help taking everything to my truck, I headed home faster than I ever had before. By the time I got to the front door, I was surprised I hadn’t gotten a ticket. I jumped out of the truck, left the gift and card on the passenger seat, and ran into the house.

“Edward?” I yelled as I ran around looking for him. My smile wouldn’t subside and my excitement wouldn’t wane. I was so excited to share my day with him.

“Edward?” I yelled again as I ran upstairs. It wasn’t until I was standing right in front of the bathroom door that I realized the shower was running.

I burst in, ripped the shower curtain aside and jumped in with Edward, clothes, shoes and all.

“What the…Bella?” Edward gasped as I launched myself at his wet, naked body, and wrapped my arms tightly around him. The tears started to fall once again as I squeezed him tighter. I honestly felt like life was perfect. I felt successful, accomplished, and most importantly, fulfilled. I had it all. A career that I finally realized I was good at, the testament of kids showing how much of a difference I made in someone else’s life, and the love of an amazing man who held me tightly as I smiled into his chest.

“Bella, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me!” Edward’s voice had a hint of panic in it as he released his hold on me and pushed me back so that he could see me. The smile on my face must have confused him even more as his eyebrows knitted together and his head tilted to the side.

I stretched up on my toes and kissed him long, hard and deep.

“Nothing’s wrong, Edward,” I laughed. “I just had a fantastic day.”

“Then why are you crying?” he asked as he wiped a tear from my cheek.

“I’m just…” I looked into his eyes and let out a light chuckle. It was still hard for me to say the words, as simple as they were. “I’m just really happy.”

A smile spread across Edward’s lips as he, in return, let out a small laugh.

“So let me get this straight,” he started as he pushed my now wet hair behind my ear. “You jumped in the shower completely dressed and are crying in my arms because you’re happy?”

I just nodded as the smiles on both our faces grew.

“You’re a strange one, you know that?” Edward laughed as he pulled me tight against his chest.

“I love you,” I said as I kissed his wet, naked skin. “I wanted to share my happiness with you.”

“I love you, too,” he whispered into the top of my head.

“I love you more.”

Edward leaned down and captured my lips with his. The kiss was hot, urgent and beyond passionate. As he pulled back, he stared deeply into my eyes as if begging me to understand something.

“That’s not possible.” He smiled as he pressed his lips to mine again.

Edward shut off the water and helped me out of the shower.

“So why are you so happy?” he asked as he wrapped a towel around his waist and I started to take my shirt off.

“Well,” I smiled as I lifted the soaking wet shirt over my head and hung it over the side of the tub to dry. “The kids were just amazing today.” I held onto Edward’s outstretched hands as I stepped out of my slippery sandals and wiggled out of my pants. “They loved the journals and the games, but…” The lump returned to my throat and my smile grew as I remember how they thanked me and praised the work I did with them.

Edward wrapped a towel around my shoulders as I looked up at him with the new and strange feeling of self actualization. “But what they said was just incredible.”

As we walked to my bedroom to get changed, I told Edward about what the students said they learned, what they wrote in the card and the gifts they got me. I was immediately reminded that there was a letter in the box from each of them that I hadn’t opened yet. I was overwhelmed with excitement, humbleness, pride, and gratification that I kept cutting myself off to tell Edward something else.

We got dressed and made our way to my truck to get the gifts and card that I had left in there. I couldn’t get the smile off my face. Edward would ask me to expand on what a student said or explain why I was only now feeling gratification at my job. And each time I would say something, he would encourage and re-emphasize my feelings, telling me how important the work I did was, how important I was.

We sat on the couch and read each letter the student wrote. I just couldn’t stop sharing my job with him. Some letters I would read aloud to him, but when I would get choked up at the words, he would take the letter and resume where I had left off. We took our time reading all twelve letters, him questioning some things the students wrote and me going into expansive detail about the lesson, the game, or the assignment.

Edward knew a lot of what I had done in the class as I tended to use him as a sounding board for some of my ideas. But nevertheless, it took us almost two hours to get through all twelve letters. By the time we were done, we had somehow ended up sitting on opposite ends of the couch, Edward rubbing my feet, which were stretched out into his lap.

“Well,” Edward started as he kissed my big toe, and in a blur, grabbed both my ankles and pulled me down the couch. A squeal left my lips as I was dragged to his side of the couch and he was leaning over me. “I think we should go out to celebrate.”  He leaned over and kissed me tenderly as we both smiled against the other’s lips.

oooOOOooo

Dinner had been fabulous. We went to Laurelhurst park, where I had given Edward the key to my house. We sat in our little meadow with the wild flowers growing and the wind softly dancing through the trees, and ate the subs we grabbed on our way over. We stayed there until the air started to cool and the kid’s baseball game started on the other side of the trees.

On the way home, we were quiet. Edward drove and I held his hand on the gearshift as he drove. Edward would be sleeping at his place tonight and I would be sleeping in mine. He had an early morning meeting and he said that I needed my sleep.

“Why are you concerned about me getting enough sleep? You know I sleep better with you then I do alone.”

He pulled into my driveway and turned the ignition off but didn’t get out of the car.

“Edward?” I prodded as I undid my seatbelt and shifted to look at him.

“Well, I know how emotional last week’s appointment was for you and I know you didn’t really like seeing Dr. James, so I figured if you had a goodnights sleep, maybe tomorrow’s appointment would go better. Besides, I have to get up early tomorrow and don’t want to wake you up and have you start stressing about your appointment at the crack of dawn.”

My mind was completely blank as I registered what Edward was saying. He thought I was going to see Dr. James tomorrow, as I had last Friday. I had never called to schedule the appointment, but I hadn’t told Edward that I wasn’t going to see him again. And seeing how Dr. James was a professional colleague of Edward’s and was doing him a favour by seeing me, he probably had a standing appointment held for me every Friday.

“Edward…I…come inside for a minute. I need to talk to you about something.”

We walked silently to the door and immediately sat in the living room. I didn’t even know how to begin this discussion. How could I tell the man that I love that I don’t want the favour he pulled for me? How could I tell him that the professional he said was amazing and could help was an egotistical ass who made me feel infinitely worse about myself? How could I tell him, after he pleaded with me to get help, that I didn’t want the help he found for me? Or any help at this point.

I opened and closed my mouth a couple times before I finally took a large breath and let the floodgates open.

“I don’t like Dr. James!” Well that wasn’t how I wanted to start. I paused as I tried to find a new starting point.

“Last week when I went to Dr. James’ office, you remember how I just ran out of the room, grabbed your hand and left?” I politely waited for Edward to nod before I continued. “Well, I ran out of there because I was more uncomfortable speaking to him than I am speaking with Charlie.”

I took another pause and Edward patiently waited for me to get my thoughts in order. He simply held my hands and gently squeezed them in reassurance.

“I don’t know if I want to see him again. Well, actually, I do know. I don’t want to see him again. He made me feel very uncomfortable and left me with a greater feeling of uncertainty than when I first entered his office. I never called to make a follow up appointment.”

“Bella,” Edward hedged. “I know you didn’t have a great experience last week. That was painfully obvious by the death grip you had on my hand waiting for the elevator. But could it have all just been nerves from going to therapy for the first time?”

He had a pleading look in his eyes, begging me to think about what he was saying and truly analyze why I didn’t like Dr. James.

“I know you’re hesitant to talk to a professional and you’d much rather just talk to me. And it’s amazing the little steps that you’ve already taken. But please, don’t give up just yet. Give it one more shot and if you truly don’t like James, we’ll find someone you like better. I promise.”

Now was not the time to tell Edward that it wasn’t just Dr. James that I was hesitant about, it was the whole ‘therapy’ situation. I wanted to be comfortable and confident in my insecurities, as contradictory as that sounded, before I had a stranger pick my life and my problems apart. I knew that simply reading the books I ordered and taking the vitamins and teas that were being shipped would be a step backwards, but wasn’t taking a step voluntarily better than being pressured or pushed to take a step?

But maybe it is just Dr. James. The thought seeped into my mind as I continued to look at Edward’s pleading eyes. He did have a point that I had only gone to one session with Dr. James, one therapy session period, and had called it quits. Wasn’t I ready to call Dr. Cook, the therapist that the clinic had suggested when I went in with my depression questionnaire? So maybe it wasn’t about giving up therapy, maybe it was about finding a shoe that fit. New shoes always needed to be broken in before they were comfortable, and I wasn’t giving therapy, or Dr. James for that matter, a chance to be broken in. I walked in, felt some pressure and walked out, never trying it on again.

And if my mental turmoil over the situation was any indication, running away from a problem was not the solution. So with a lot of reluctance, I told Edward that I would give it another shot.

Tomorrow would be round two with Dr. James.

Chapter 33

Hello everyone, 

Thanks so much for the continued support and comments. I love how passionate you all get when they read something they don't like. There's been so many times when I've gone to write a response to a comment but have to stop myself. I've written three chapters ahead and I don't want to spill the beans. Just remember that Bella is a work in progress and won't get better in a day.

Anyway, please find the next chapter as well as outfits posted.

Enjoy!

~JustTry

Chapter 33 Text

Wednesday August 4

It was one of those days that I wished had started differently. I had woken up to an empty bed, momentarily forgetting that Edward had to be at work for a meeting at six in the morning. Apparently there was a webinar teleconference being hosted by the British Association for Musical Therapy and his hospital was invited to stream in. The conference was two days long so I would be waking up alone tomorrow as well. It would be a great webinar and it said a lot that his boss asked him to be present. But waking up without his arms around me, his breath on my skin, or a gentle kiss on my temple put me in a funk.

We had been dating for just shy of a month and yet, we had barely spent a night apart. I loved Edward, and had never slept better than when I was wrapped in his arms, but it was a bit concerning how much my life was now entwined with his. I hadn’t had a single nightmare since we started sharing a bed. Not that I was complaining, but it brought to light my concerns from the day before. If my days and nights were surrounded by Edward, why was I worried about telling him about the books, vitamins, and teas that I ordered online? Why was I afraid to tell him that I didn’t want to see Dr. James again?

If I let him into my bed every night, I should be able to let him into my mind. I shouldn’t be worried about what he would think of me. Edward loved me and made that known every day.

Luckily, things got better as the day progressed. The rest of the students presented their work and the class ended early. I sent the kids home while I stayed and marked today’s presentations. I wanted to get everything done before I got home. Tomorrow would be our last day of school and I had a surprise planned for the kids.

I drove home going over everything that I needed to get ready for tomorrow’s surprise. I needed to stop by a couple stores and pick up a few things. I made three stops on my way home, luckily picking up everything I needed.

It was almost three in the afternoon by the time I made it home. Edward’s car sat in the driveway and my joy from the presentations and their impending surprise grew, knowing that my love was inside waiting for me.

“Edward,” I called as I stumbled in the front door. My hands were full of bags and I dropped them in the living room. “Edward?”

The house remained silent as I went searching for him. He wasn’t in the living room, kitchen or backyard. I went upstairs and found him curled up in my bed. A small smile tugged on my lips as I took in the sight before me.

He had to be up before the sun this morning, and clearly he needed his rest. His hair was flopped over his forehead, his lips slightly parted and pouty, and his arms clutched my pillow. I quietly walked to my bed, pulled the comforter back and slid in under the covers.  I slowly tried to pull the pillow out from Edward’s embrace but he clung to it tightly. His nose buried itself in the pillow, inhaling deeply as he softly moaned, “don’t go,” and pulled the pillow tighter into his arms.

A small chuckle left my lips as I swept a piece of hair out of his eyes.

“I’m right here, baby. I’m not going anywhere.” I tugged on the pillow once more as I placed a soft kiss on his forehead. I laid myself in front of him and gently rubbed my hand up and down his arm.

“Bella,” he moaned as his hold on the pillow loosened and he reached for me.

I moved the pillow out of the way and nuzzled into his chest. His arms automatically wrapped around me, pulling me tight against him. He let a deep sigh escape his lips before he settled himself deeper into the bed and the soft snores began.

oooOOOooo

My body stretched as I slowly woke up. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep but being held in his arms, surrounded by his scent, I couldn’t help but relax into his body and simply melt into him. But now that I was beginning to wake, I realized that it was Edward that woke me up.

My head was resting on his chest while his arms held me tight. He was still asleep, but his dream must be have been very exciting. His body was slowly moving under me. His chest, raising and falling as though he was winded. His hips, gently rolling and grinding into my hip, where he had thrown his leg during out nap. On top of that, he was fisting my shirt in his hands as though about to rip it from my body. But what had woken me was the moan that was vibrating in his chest and just whispering through his lips.

“Mmmmm, Bell…”

I leaned up beside him, leaving my right leg between his, since he seemed to need the friction, and looked down at his sleeping face. His mouth was slightly open and his eyebrows were scrunched together. Another soft moan crept through his lips as his hips lifted off the bed.

Clearly, Edward was having a VERY exciting dream. I propped myself up on my left elbow and decided I might as well give him a hand since I was now up.

I slowly ran my hand down his bare chest, reveling in the warmth and smoothness of his skin. My fingers ghosted over his flesh, pushing the blanket down as my hand ventured lower.  Small whimpers escaped his mouth and my fingers slid down his stomach to the edge of his boxers.

I felt safe being able to touch him like this. I was still learning how to let go and accept the pleasure that he gave me. With him asleep, I found confidence in myself and was able to explore him as I desired. And with that confidence, a realization and curiosity struck. Edward wanted to taste me the other night. I wonder what he tastes like?

With a deep breath, I slid my right hand under the elastic of his boxer briefs and slowly reached my hand inside. My fingers were barely under the elastic when they came in contact with the tip of him. With the blankets pushed down past his waist, I could see just how hard he really was.

My hand skimmed over his length before I carefully wrapped my fingers around him and started to gently rub him. He immediately twitched in my grasp as his body shifted beside me and a louder moan rumbled in his chest.

His body turned onto its side towards me and he wrapped his arm around me waist, pulling me tight into his chest. I was still propped up on my elbow but scooted down his body so that I could reach farther down his shaft. As my hand moved back up, my thumb rubbed the very tip, noticing that there was just a slight bead of moisture there. As I spread the moisture around his head, his body arched and stretched, and his hips shifted into my hand, causing it to slide down his shaft again, and his lips latched themselves to my left shoulder. I tightened my grip the slighted bit and continued to pump him.

“Bella.”

My gaze shifted from his responsive body and looked up to see his eyes just barely open, glowing green, peering up at me through tired lids.

“God, that feels so good,” he whispered, as his left hand slid down my waist, hip and thigh to skim over the edge of my skirt. His fingers tickled my skin as his hand moved under my skirt and ghosted back up my right side, lifting my skirt up to my hip in the process.

The feeling of him gently twitching as my hand continued to massage him, plus the tantalizing buzz of his fingers tickling my thigh and hip, had me dropping myself from my elbow to lay back down on the bed, my body pressed into his. Both our hands continued to move at a quickening pace as our foreheads rested together and our bodies trapped our moving hands between us.

Edward’s touch was making me lose focus. His fingers slid up and down my thigh - up the inside, down the outside - until he was trailing his finger over the seam of my panties. My grip on him involuntarily tightened, earning another moan from his glorious mouth. My hand stopped its massage, focusing on the tip, spreading the continual bead of moisture around the ridge as Edward’s gently swept his finger over my sex. He lightly pushed his middle finger under the seam and across my dampened lips.

“Love, you’re so wet,” he moaned, as he started circling my clit.

A gust of breath left my lips as his fingers gently started to work me over. I was unable to continue to focus on him when his fingers on me were so distracting.

I slowly pulled my hand away from him and out of his boxers. His fingers stopped their ministrations on me as I leaned my body into his, effectively rolling him onto his back.

“Edward,” I whispered against his lips as they touched for the first time today. “I want to try something.”

His eyes opened fully, his desire and passion shining brightly in them. I took a deep breath and started to kiss down his body. My lips and tongue played with his skin, fluttering over his chest, his abdomen and his stomach until my tongue ran along the seam of his boxer briefs.

I sat up on my heels and slowly lifted the elastic band off his hips, over his impressive length, and with the help of him lifting his hips, down his legs. I tenderly took him in my hand again, moving up and down on his length as I placed another kiss on his stomach.

“Bella?” Edward’s voice was strained and breathy. I looked up at him as I placed another kiss on his lower stomach, slowly moving down his spattering of hair. “You don’t have to…” His words cut off as I placed a timid kiss on the bottom of his shaft.

I was scared about taking Edward in my mouth, but it was something I wanted to try. Even before he had tried to taste me the other night, it had been on my mind. I knew that I wouldn’t be good at it my first time, and I knew I would gag a couple times, but I wanted to push myself and try.

With my eyes moving back to the job at hand, I started peppering kissed up his length, finally reaching the tip. I tentatively kissed the very tip, and shyly licked his moistened head. The groan that reverberated out of his throat added to my minimal confidence.

I kissed the tip again, opening my mouth a little more, allowing my lips to engulf his head. Slowly, I opened my mouth more, taking more of him in. I was surprised at how comfortable I was. I always thought that he would taste bad, or that I would somehow screw it up. But according to the noises coming from him, I was doing just fine.

I shifted so that I was kneeling on the bed at Edward’s waist as I continued to slowly bob up and down on him. Every so often I would push him in deeper, wanting to take more of him in, but I would gag and have to move back up.

Edward’s hips would sporadically lift off the bed when I would remove him from my mouth and lick the rim and slit of his head and suck the tip in-between my lips. The noises that continued to spout from his parted lips made me smirk until I felt his hand move up my left thigh and under my panties. His hand returned to its previous duty as his fingers ghosted over my mound and pushed through my lips to my clit. A loud moan spilled from my lips as he pushed one finger in to my center. My moan reverberated around him as my mouth moved deeper down on him. 

I tried with all my might to hold off of my rapidly building orgasm until I could get Edward off, but when he slid two fingers into my center, I dropped to my stomach and started to feel the first quakes deep inside. I started to quiver against his fingers and quickly removed him from my mouth. As he continued to slide his fingers in and out of me, I buried my face in his thigh, trying to hold off the building tremors that started to make my legs shake. My hand tried to take over for my mouth as Edward’s shaft stood hard and twitching against his stomach, but once he pressed his thumb to my clit, my orgasm shook through my body and I was unable to do anything but clench his fingers and hold onto his thigh for support.

Once the shaking stopped and his fingers slowly slid out of me, I turned my head to look at his beautiful face. His chest was heaving as quiet pants left his lips. His eyes were half closed, his lids slightly covering his glowing eyes. I whisper the words “I love you” to him as I slowly took him back in my mouth. I could taste the pre-cum and felt him twitch against my lips and tongue as soon as I lowered my lips over his tip.

He reached down and ran his thumb over my jaw. “Bella, you have to stop. I can’t hold on much longer,” he panted as he continued to rub my jaw.

I removed my lips from around him and continued rubbing him with my hand. I didn’t know what I’d do if he came in my mouth and things had gone so well so far that I didn’t want to ruin our afternoon by choking on his semen.

His head rolled back as his breathing sped up. I was still kneeling beside him at his waist and Edward’s right hand clamped onto my calf. With a completely silent breathe, his body began to shake and then stiffened. All of a sudden, warmth was spurting out of him and landing on his abdomen and my hand, which was still softly stroking him.

I stared at his body below me and I removed my hand from his no longer twitching shaft. I sat back on my calves, his hand moving to brush away the hair that had fallen in his face. I was in complete awe at how much he had cum. My hand was warm and sticky. There was a bit of cum on my index finger and I immediately had the urge to lick it, once again, wondering what he tasted like.

I look a quick peek up at Edward and noticed his eyes were closed and his breathe was slowly coming down. Hesitantly, I brought my hand up to my mouth and cautiously stuck my tongue out to taste the liquid on my index finger. My tongue had just touched the tiniest drop when I registered that it wasn’t the best taste in the word, kind of salty, but not horrible. I had always imagined it would have tasted much, much worse.

Slowly lowering my hand to the bed, I looked up and noticed that he was watching me and holding out my bright blue box of Kleenex. An immediate blush scorched through my body at being caught tasting him. What if he thought I was gross for wanting to taste him? My head immediately lowered to stare at the mess on his stomach. A mess that I, triumphantly caused, but a mess I felt embarrassed about.

I could feel him push himself up to sit on the bed.

“Bella,” he started, as his right hand cupped the back of my neck and started to gently massage my muscles. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. That was…amazing. You were amazing.”

He removed his hand from around my neck, picked up my messy hand, and started to wipe it clean with the tissues.

“Please don’t be embarrassed about wanting to find out what it tastes like either,” he continued as he started to clean himself off. “I wanted to know what you tasted like too, remember?”

I still couldn’t meet his eyes as he dropped my now somewhat cleaned off hand. His hand pressed under my chin to lift my head to look at him. His eyes were glowing, the green swirling and moving. He began to lean in to kiss me, but I immediately pulled back.

“No, Edward, don’t. I have…your…taste…in my mouth,” I stated, my voice getting shyer as I went on.

His hand went from under my chin to capture the back of my head. “I don’t care.” The words were barely out of his lip when he pressed his mouth against mine. His tongue swept over my lips and into my mouth. I was slightly disturbed that he tasted himself on my tongue, but the mix of his taste, the feel of his tongue and the smell of pure, raw Edward squashed those worries.

“I love you so much,” he whispered against my lips before he leisurely pulled away.

We both got out of bed and went to the bathroom. He stripped me of my pink skirt and white tank top, taking his time unwrapping me before his lips were on mine again and he was backing me into the shower.

There was a look of awe in his eyes for the remainder of the night. And although we didn’t make love, he never severed contact with me all night. His hand was floating up and down my back while we made dinner, ran up and down my thigh at the table and he held me closer and tighter to him as he slept than he ever had before.