CH 38

I don't even know what to say. Sorry is just not the right word. I am ashamed and disappointed that I have taken this long to get all you wonderful people a chapter. But alas, here it is, unedited, and probably a mess lol. Chapter 38.

I have also just added a little snippet of where we left off with chapter 37 since it has been a half a year since I've updated. Shame :(

Chapter 38 text

Monday August 9 

(recap from last chapter)

"Why won't you sleep with me? Is there something wrong with you down there?"

And just like that, no only was the moment ruined, but I felt ridiculed, disgusted, ashamed, and on the verge of tears. There was nothing wrong with me "down there" as Jacob put it. I just didn't want to be with a man who didn't really want to be with me.

I tried pushing Jake away but the hand that was sliding up my back  slid back down to my waste and held me in place. He pulled back to look at me with glossy, bloodshot eyes. He had a genuine look of confusion.

"I didn't mean to insult you, Bells. I was just wondering what's wrong with you."

I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I pushed him off, and went up the stairs to get my keys. It was then that I realized that I didn't drive myself here and Jacob was drunk and stoned and couldn't drive me home either.

"Bells, just come sit back down. I didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure everything is working fine down there."

I stopped at the top of the steps and stared down at the beautiful man who was making me cry. I couldn't get the words out, stumbling over myself, trying to tell him to just forget it and leave me alone.

My crappy birthday had officially turned into a shit show and I couldn't get out of the house fast enough. I was halfway to the front door when I heard his huge body clumping up the stairs.

"Bells, wait," he said, as he put his arm around my waist and pull me into a backwards embrace.

I wrapped my hands around his arms that were around my waist and dug my nails into his wrists.

"Don't touch me." I growled with my back still to Jake as I dug my nails in harder and tore his hands from around my body.

"Dame, Bella. What the hell?"

"Get your hands off me." I kept trying to release the grip around my waist but his hands held me tighter.

"Love, it's me. Wake up."

********

"Love, it's me. Wake up."

My eyes shot open to the blackness of Edward's bedroom. My hands were wrapped around an arm that was around my waist. My back was against the hard plains of his chest.

"Bella?" Edward whispered as he tried to let me go.

I quickly let go of his arm and sprung from the bed, putting as much distance between us as possible. I made it halfway between the bed and the hallway door before I stopped and turned to see Edward.  He was sitting up in bed with a look of bewilderment and fear. Clearly he didn't know what was going on, and neither did I. Because although I could see it was Edward looking back at me, all I could sense was Jacob. I could still feel his touch, smell his scent, hear his voice. It was like I could still feel him, as if his presence was still in the room.

I felt completely nauseated and it was all I could do not to throw up on the carpet when Edward said my name but I heard Jacob's voice.

I ran from Edward's room, down the hall, barely stopping to grab my purse by the front door before I threw the door open and ran to my truck.

I could hear Edward calling my name behind me, but somehow knew that I could make it out of the driveway before he would catch up.

I jumped in my truck just as Edward appeared at the front door. Just get home. He can't know you were dreaming about Jacob. Just get home, away from this feeling, and then you can call him and explain everything.

I could hear a thumping on the door beside me but it didn't register. All I could focus on was putting the key in the ignition, starting my truck and getting out of there. My hands were shaking and my eyes were blurry with tears, but I managed to get the truck started. I turned to look behind me before I pulled out and saw Edward thumping his fists on my driver side door, calling my name, asking what was going on and trying to get in. Apparently I had locked the door.

He stopped knocking when our eyes met. His face was frozen with more anxiety than I had ever seen and it made the welling tears fall. "I'm sorry" was all I could mouth to him before I threw the truck in reverse and headed home.

oooOOOooo

I made it to the bathroom before I actually threw up.

Edward was close behind me in his car, but had had to go back into his house to get his car keys before he could chase after me. My cell phone rang the entire drive home. Edward just kept hitting redial.

I heard his car door slam shut, which evidently meant that I didn't even have time to shut my front door before I sprinted to the bathroom.

"BELLA!"

He just kept calling my name, calling out for me as he ran through the house looking for me. I could hear his feet thumping on the stairs and down the hall as he ran into every room and checked every corner. 

"Bella?"

His voice was breathy and his movement completely stopped when he got to the bathroom door.

I was sitting on the floor in the corner, my legs pulled up and my arms wrapped around my shins. My face was buried in my arms and my eyes were squeezed tight. It was just a dream. Jacob's not here. He can't bother me again. Edward is safe and he's here. Focus on Edward, not Jacob. Images of that night, of my dream, the things he said were still dancing in my mind. And although it made my skin crawl and my stomach lurch, I was glad the dream ended where it did. I knew what came next and that I couldn't deal with it.

Without lifting my head, I reached out to Edward with my right hand, begging him to come to me. I just needed to know that all traces of Jacob were really gone. I needed Edward's touch, his scent, his voice. But it never came. Edward didn't come to my reached out hand and he didn't say anything.

My arm limply dropped to my side in defeat as I turned my head, not bothering to lift it, to see Edward leaning against the doorframe. He just stood there, his arms crossed over his still bare chest. He was only wearing his pajama bottoms, no top, no shoes.

"You okay?" was all his said. His tone was clipped and hurt. He was concerned but pissed, and rightfully so.

It took me a couple breaths before I could reply, but my voice wouldn't come. All I was able to do was shake my head 'no'. Because although I was physically alright, I clearly wasn't okay mentally or emotionally. He let out a large puff of air and came to sit down across from me, silently supportive as he waited for me to tell him why I ran away from him.

I clearly had a lot to explain.

oooOOOooo

"WHAT THE HELL?!?!" Alice actually smacked my arm as she yelled. "You ran away from him and then just drove off? What the hell is the matter with you? How could you just up and leave Edward like that?"

"I know," I said, my voice full of shame. I curled deeper into Alice's couch as I tried to explain, for the second time in as many hours, what the hell had happened.

"I had a dream about Jacob," I began. "I dreamt about my birthday... where he pinned me to the wall... and ..."

I couldn't finish. Alice knew the story. She knew that after I tried to pull Jacob's hands off me, he grabbed me, shoved me against the hallway wall, pinned me there by my upper arms, leaving bruises on my arms where his fingers squeezed, and kissed me so hard he bit my lip, cut it with his teeth, and made it bleed. It wasn't until I stopped fighting him and just stood there, not kissing him back or anything that he finally pulled away and let me go. I ended up having bruises on both upper arms, one on my left breast where he squeezed too hard, a bruised and fat bottom lip, and twisted ankle from when I ran away and tripped. 

That was the last time I spent any time with Jacob. He called a lot and apologized profusely, but I couldn't be alone with him again.

Alice's voice softened when she asked me to explain why I ran away from Edward. And as much as I tried to tell her how I kept feeling Jacob - hearing his voice, smelling him - even though I was awake and saw Edward, I knew she didn't get it.

The worst part was, I didn't blame Jacob. Not really. He was drunk and stoned and although it wasn't an excuse for what he did, I knew he wanted me, went over there knowing he was drunk and stoned, and if I was being honest, it wasn't the first time I had put myself in that situation with him. He called, and I came running. We both knew our part in our little dance. That time was just too real. It was the final straw. It was in that moment when I realized what I really was to him.

"Okay, that's it." Alice's voice broke me from my flashback. "We're going out. Yes, you've had a devastating morning, but that doesn't mean that you have to have a devastating day."

In typical Alice fashion, "going out" meant going shopping. She dragged me all over town, trying to get me into the "shopping therapy" mind frame. I, however, was battling with the idea of getting something for Edward to show him how sorry I was and how much I loved him. But no matter what I found, nothing felt right or that it was good enough.

"How about this?" Alice asked, somehow remaining completely serious while holding a hot pink sheer teddy with hearts over the breasts and heart shaped underwear, if you could call it that.

"Alice, I want to apologize and show him how important his is, not dress up like a stripper-gram and make both of us feel cheap. Sex won't fix this."

"I have this exact outfit in red," she boasted proudly as she put the lingerie back on the rack, "and it's fixed many arguments between Jasper and I." She winked at me as she grabbed my hand and led me into the next rack.

For some unknown reason, Alice was adamant that I get some lingerie. She promised me that if Edward saw me in something revealing and sexy, he would realize that I was doing it for him and would appreciate it. He knew that I was self conscious and putting myself in something revealing would show my vulnerability and how much he meant to me. Alice's logic didn't make any sense to me, but there was no changing her mind. Even when I told her I couldn't afford $135 for the black bustier she insisted I get, never mind the handful of silk and lace she was holding hostage, she wouldn't budge. She threw all the garments on the counter and pulled out her credit card. She must REALLY think I screwed up with Edward...and she's right.

After leaving the store, still not finding the right gift for Edward, in my eyes at least, Alice dropped me off at home. I headed into the house with my three bags of stuff I'd never wear, and tried to figure out how to properly apologize to Edward. I had told him about the dream, apologizing profusely before he had to leave for work, but it didn't matter. I still reacted horribly and caused so much stress and anger for Edward. This morning was definitely an example of one step forward, twenty steps back. If I ever needed proof that I needed help, I had it.

As I walked to my bedroom to put away my new lingerie, a thought popped into my head. Edward's words from the other day came to mind; he wanted to take me away. He wanted a mini holiday. Immediately, I stashed my bags in the closet and rushed downstairs to the computer. As I booted it up, I thought of all the places we can go, and that I could afford. It would be the perfect way for me to apologize. Not with sexy lingerie, but with actions. The trip would be on me; my planning, my booking, my payment. Hopefully, actions will show Edward how sorry I am.

I started researching destinations, vacation packages, cruises, resorts, cottages, camp grounds, amusement parks, and everything in-between. Besides camping, cottages and amusement parks, nothing was in my budget. I had my emergency credit card, but I wasn't sure if this constituted an emergency.

I was right in the middle of writing down the benefits of camping versus renting a cottage somewhere when my front door open. I looked up to see Edward walk in and drop his bag on the stairs. He heaved a large sign before he kicked off his shoes - a very un-Edward thing to do since he always placed them side by side against the wall - and turned to me with hesitation. He was still pissed. Really pissed.

"Hi." My voice was so tiny that I wasn't sure he heard it. For the first time since we met, I didn't get up and meeting him at the door with a hug and a kiss. I was too afraid of what I'd broken. Too worried that what I'd done I wouldn't be able to undo.

He slowly stalked over to me and joined me at the kitchen table. His greeting was just as small as mine. The silence that stretched between us was the most torturous thing I've experienced. Edward was right there, sitting right beside me. I could reach my hand out and touch him and yet his was miles away with a large wall between us.

"Edward....I..." My words caught in my throat as I tried to apologize.

"I know, love. I know you're sorry, but I can't get what happened out of my head. The look of fear you had when you looked at me and the fact that you just ran. I never thought you'd look at me with such agony and terror. I never thought you'd run away from me. I can't get that image out of my mind."

"I'm sorry, Edward." The tears had fallen over and were trailing down my cheek. I didn't know what to say or what to do. We were on a precipice; either we'd fight and work past this, or I'd hurt Edward for the last time and he was done.

"You need help, Bella."

I looked deep into his eyes and knew the severity of that comment. He wouldn't say it, but I could see it. There was a line and I had crossed over it. Either I got help, or ... I didn't know. Would Edward actually leave me because I couldn't do therapy? Couldn't or wouldn't?

"I know." I had to look away from Edward. The emotions that were swimming in his eyes and flashing across his face were too much. There wasn't an ultimatum, but there was pain, sadness, hurt, love, concern, helplessness, and most predominantly, resolve. He wouldn't budge. I was going to get help. There was no other option in his mind. Either I did it voluntarily, or he'd make damn sure I'd get it somehow, even if he had to force it on me.    

I heard his kitchen chair scrape back and the felt my chair move. I looked up to see Edward crouching in front of me as he turned my chair to the side so that I was facing him.

"I love you, Bella. That will never change. Never. But last night cannot happen again. I've been so worried about you all day that I couldn't focus on any of my patients or what I was doing. Jasper even noticed and kept asking me what was wrong. When you hurt, I hurt. When you're sad and scared, so am I. You were terrified this morning and that feeling has stayed with me all day. You need help, baby. Help I can't offer but I'll always be here and will walk you through it every step of the way."

My arms wrapped around Edward's shoulders as I lowered myself from the chair into his lap and held him tight. He was right, he was always right. I nodded into his shoulder and he held me tighter. He didn't say anything else. He didn't need to. He said what he needed to and I conceded.

"I'll call Dr. Cook. That's the name of the therapist I got when I went to the clinic."

Edward pulled back and kiss me lovingly on the lips. We were desperate for each other after the wall that had been put up, admittedly by me, this morning.

"We're okay?" His question whispered against my lips. He was just a scared as I was. I would never have 100% confidence in myself, that was a given. But for Edward to question us, that was a first.

"We're okay." I put as much conviction into the words as I possibly could because I knew that as long as Edward would be with me, I'd fight hard to keep him and never have that wall up again.

"So what were you working on?"

Edward lifted me back up onto the chair and pulled his around to sit beside me at the end of the table.

"I was going over trip ideas. You had mentioned that you wanted to go away for a couple days and I thought I'd do some research and see where we could go."

A sneaky smile lit up his face. "Love, I told you I had the perfect place in mind. Everything is already set. We leave on Thursday."

Guess what's coming??????

"WHAT THE HELL?!?!" Alice actually smacked my arm as she yelled at me. "You ran away from him and then just drove off? What the hell is the matter with you? How could you just up and leave Edward like that?"

Chapter 37

Sunday August 8

"Sooooo...how's the sex?"

"Alice!" I whispered at her from across the table. We were out at our typical Sunday brunch and her question had attracted the attention of the two elderly ladies at the table beside us.

"What? It's not like you're not sleeping with him. You spend every night with him and you haven't even been dating a month. You two have practically moved in together. Clearly you guys are getting carnal."

"It's not every night."

Alice quirked an eyebrow at me from above her glass of water, her right hand absentmindedly rubbing her stomach where her two month old baby bump hadn't even starting to show. Clearly she was challenging me. Has it really been less than a month? It feels like I've been with Edward forever.

"And besides," I continued, "that's not the point. This is neither the time nor the place to be having this discussion."

"Fine," Alice said, with a mischievous look on her face. "Then tell me this. Are you happy?"

"Yes," I said with a timid smile on my face. It was still hard to admit to myself that I was capable of being happy. "I am."

"How many times a week are you happy?" She wiggled her eyebrows at me, making it obvious that she was once again alluding to my bedroom activities with Edward.

"Alice, I - "

"Okay, okay, " she interrupted. She held up her hands in a placating gesture but the smile never left her face. It didn't leave mine either.

oooOOOooo

On the way home, I couldn't get what Alice said out of my mind. Had it really been every night that Edward and I spent together?  Were we practically living together already?

I opened my front door and instantly noticed Edward everywhere. His work shoes and running shoes were neatly paired on my entryway mat, his suitcase was on the landing going upstairs, he had files still piled on the dining room table, and an empty beer bottle sat on the counter.

It was evident that there was a man in this house.

I went upstairs and the proof was even more evident. There was a pair of his sweat pants on the end of the bed, and his toothbrush, deodorant, hair brush, and shaving stuff in the bathroom.

And even if some of his clothes weren't hanging in my closet, folded in my drawers or tossed on the bedroom floor, my house even had begun to smell like Edward. His side of the bed, his pillow, the towel that he used after his shower. Little hints were everywhere, indicating that Alice was right. We pretty much were living together after only a month.

There was mix of joy and nerves when I really stepped back and saw how much of him was in my house. Plus, he already has a house key. Was he slowly moving himself in? Was I ready to live with a boy? And how would it differ from how Edward and I were now?

Edward was out at Emmett and Rose's place watching a football game with Jasper. It was a much deserved day with the boys. He had tried to convince me over morning coffee to come over once I was done my lunch with Alice, but I thought it would be a good idea to let him have his fun. Plus, I was starting to think that it would do us well to start to miss each other.

I would never say anything to him, but I sometimes thought that I still wasn't good enough. I always saw myself as average, simple and ordinary. Not that there was anything wrong with that, I was just normal. Whereas Edward, he was just amazing. And somewhere deep inside, I was worried that if I clung too hard, or let him know how much I wanted and needed him, that I would turn into the "clingy girlfriend" and he would start to pull away.

Distance would do us - me - some good. Plus, I was quickly realizing that I should figure out how I felt about the whole "Edward pretty much lives here now" thing.

I had the rest of the day to vacuum, clean the bathroom, do some grocery shopping, and start cooking dinner. I didn't expect Edward to be home until later that night, as Alice had said that football games could go on forever.

I was sitting in the living room, eating a big bowl of spaghetti with meat sauce and watching "The Big Bang Theory" marathon, when I heard a car door shut. Looking out my front window, I saw Edward walking up the driveway, looking incredibly sexy in green cargo shorts and a white tank. At 6:13pm, he was home a whole two hours earlier than I had expected him.

I walked into the kitchen to get Edward a bowl for dinner and realized that not only had I forgotten to take my new vitamins with dinner, but I had also yet to tell Edward that I was taking them. I honestly didn't know why I was hiding it, or even if I was hiding it, but I knew that it was something I wanted to try for myself, without any external influences.

I popped the dark green and light yellow vitamins, washing them down with the remnants of the tangy herbal tea that I hadn't decided if I liked or not. Although I was a bit skeptical that the herbal teas and vitamins I ordered would work, I needed to give them a shot.

 "Love?"

A smile turned up my lips as I put my cup in the sink and went into the hallway. Edward was already half way to the kitchen when he caught me in his arms and placed a kiss on the top of my head.

"How was the game?" My arms gave one quick squeeze before I let him go and took a step back to look at him.

"It was alright. I'm more of a baseball fan myself."

"Have you had dinner yet?"  I led him into the kitchen as his hand rested on my lower back.

"No, but Rosalie had so much food that I've been eating non-stop all day."

Together, we cleaned up the kitchen. He put the leftovers into multiple small Tupperware containers, which were perfect for single meal servings, while I washed the pots and pans. Like yesterday with the laundry, it hit me once again how domesticated, but right this all felt. Doing simple, daily chores with Edward made me happy.

But I immediately had to stop and ask myself why, if simple daily chores with Edward made me happy, was I concerned with the fact that we had spent almost every night together, his possessions were strewn all over my home and we had only been dating for less than a month? Alice's wedding was on July 10th, today was August 8th. Less than a month together and I was in love, with someone in love with me in return, been intimate with this person multiple times, and was in a completely trusting and committed relationship. Wasn't this what I always wanted? Wasn't this what I had wanted with Jake, a safe, normal, secure relationship with love, honesty, and true partnership? 

Life had been a struggle when Jake was in it. It was hard to believe that I was desired since he only desired me when he was lonely and horny. In some ways, it hurt to think of Jake in that capacity - the man who used me - since at times, he was a good friend. We had had fun together when we were kids and Charlie and Billy would take us on fishing trips or to barbeques. I had confided in Jake, and trusted him, but I had never gotten any trust - or even acknowledgement at some times - in return. I had given my heart to Jake, and so unlike Edward, Jake had used it to his advantage. He had bruised my heart - and at one point, my body - in order to get what he wanted, but I had still wanted the "safe, normal, and secure" relationship with him. I knew, even then, that I was broken, but when you're in pieces and someone shows you attention and affection, the pieces start to put themselves back together, even if the pieces don't go back in their proper spots.

All I wanted my whole life, the almost 15 years of off and on with Jake, was exactly what I had with Edward, and once again, I was living in my head and over analyzing it instead of seeing it for what it was and appreciating it. Did the length of our relationship really matter if Edward was giving me everything that I needed, not to mention, wanted? He was so much better than Jake, so much better for me, that although Jake would always be there since he was my first love, his light had dimmed and he now sat in the back corner on my mind. Edward had taken his place in the forefront and in that moment, time didn't matter, at least I didn't think it did.

"Edward," I began as I put the pot that I was absentmindedly scrubbing down. "Does time matter?"

He popped on the lid of the last container and stacked it with the rest of the others in the fridge. "What do you mean?"

"I mean for us. We've been dating for less than a month and you spend pretty much every night here, you have your stuff here, and a key to my place. Does it matter that we are already that far along in our relationship when we haven't been dating for that long?"

I could tell that Edward knew I was once again stuck in my head and his doctor mode came out. "Does it matter to you?"

"No," I replied with surprising confidence, "this works for us. This is what I want and I like how things are. I just didn't know if we were moving too fast. If you think about it, you pretty much live here."

"Does that bother you?" he asked, clearly still taking a clinical approach.

"I don't think so...no. No, it doesn't. Does it bother you?"

The doctor mask slid away and the man I loved smiled back at me and he stepped in front of me and held my face in his gentle hands.

"No," he whispered, as he gently kissed my lips. "If it bothered me, I wouldn't be here all the time. I want to be with you and I'll go to wherever you are."

I loved this man more than I ever thought I was capable. Somehow, he was on the same page as me regarding our feelings for each other, but never let them take over his rational side, or let them interfere with what we both knew was right.

"Let’s spend the night at your place," I said, trying to be unselfish and considerate of his needs. "We haven't spent much time there at all and it must be a pain and a chore for you to always have to pack stuff to bring here."

 "Bella, when it comes to you, nothing is a pain or a chore."

We finished up in the kitchen, then it was my turn to pack a bag for the night. Edward had to work tomorrow so I knew that I only had to pack a limited number of items. I didn't really have anything exciting planned for the next day, probably just working on my prep for the school year and maybe start on some of the books I ordered with the teas and vitamins.

oooOOOooo

"Babe, you want something to drink?"

I looked over the back of the old, ratty couch to see Jacob standing at the top of the steps, his arms above his head, grasping the doorframe. The muscles in his arms made the tight black t-shirt he was wearing look like he had bought it in the junior department. I wouldn't have been surprised if the sleeves ripped from around his biceps.

I sat there, looking up at the man that I longed for, a man that in some way, I loved, and just stared at the cocky smile playing on his lips. He knew what he was doing to me but he did it anyway. And for some masochistic reason, it turned me on and made my mouth dry.

"Just some water," I called back before turning around and facing the TV. If I looked at him any longer, I would blush and giggle like the insecure girl I was. Jacob knew how I felt about him, he had known for years, and he used it to his every advantage.

I was in my second year of College and today was my birthday. Every one of my friends bailed on me and I ended up sitting at the bar with a girl from work who I didn't really know or like that much. Jacob was out across town with a friend of his at a pub and said to call him "later" so we could "hook up." That was one of his favourite phrases. He would tell me to call him "later" but was never available when I called. Or, more telling, was when he said he'd call me "later" and I didn't hear from him for eight months. I guess we had a very different definition of "later."

As I left the bar, completely embarrassed that the only person that was there was the girl that picked me up, I called Jacob to see if he was ready to "hook up later." Of course he was drunk, but he was back home and said to come over.

Danielle, the girl from work, had just dropped me off and Jacob had already pulled his famous "grab and twist" on my chest and smacked my butt as I walked past him to the basement. Not only was Jake drunk, he was also a bit stoned.

"Here you go."

I turned to see Jake put a glass of water, a bottle of beer and a glass pipe on the table. I quickly took a drink to help moisten my dry mouth.

Before I could put the glass back down on the table, Jake was leaning on top of me, forcing my body back with his, the scratchy stubble of his day old scruff scraping my neck and chin.

"Jake..."I struggled in his grip, trying to push him away. One of his hands was tight on my waist while the other had my wrist pinned to the armrest of the couch.

"Don't worry, Bells. We're just having fun." He loosened his grip on me, lightly trailing his fingers up and down my arms, before his hand rested on the side of my breast. The other still held my waist but loosened to slide under my shirt and up my back.

His lips met mine in a soft kiss, showing the side of Jacob I always longed for, but knew wouldn't  stay for long. I held onto this Jacob, kissing him back with as much tenderness and passion as I had.

His hands moved over my body in a smooth, soft dance, while his lips once again returned to my neck and chin. I linked my fingers into the belt loops of his pants and tried to pull him tighter into me before the moment was ruined.

"Why won't you sleep with me? Is there something wrong with you down there?"

And just like that, not only was the moment ruined, but I felt ridiculed, disgusted, ashamed, and on the verge of tears. There was nothing wrong with me "down there" as Jacob put it. I just didn't want to be with a man who didn't really want to be with me.

I tried pushing Jake away but the hand that was sliding up my back slid back down to my waist and held me in place. He pulled back to look at me with glossy, bloodshot eyes. He had a genuine look of confusion.

"I didn't mean to insult you, Bells. I was just wondering what's wrong with you."

I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I pushed him off, and went up the stairs to get my keys. It was then that I realized that I didn't drive myself here and Jacob was drunk and stoned and couldn't drive me home either.

"Bells, just come sit back down. I didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure everything is working fine down there."

I stopped at the top of the steps and stared down at the beautiful man who was making me cry. I couldn't get the words out, stumbling over myself, trying to tell him to just forget it and leave me alone.

My crappy birthday had officially turned into a shit show and I couldn't get out of the house fast enough. I was halfway to the front door when I heard his huge body clumping up the stairs.

"Bells, wait," he said, as he put his arm around my waist and pull me into a backwards embrace.

I wrapped my hands around his arms that were around my waist and dug my nails into his wrists.

"Don't touch me." I growled with my back still to Jake as I dug my nails in harder and tore his hands from around my body.

"Ouch, Bella. What the hell?"

"Get your hands off me." I kept trying to release the grip around my waist but his hands held me tighter.

"Love, it's me. Wake up."

I'm still here, I promise

Hello everyone,

I know it has been a VERY long time, I can't believe I haven't posted anything since April. For that, I am so incredibly sorry. I hate to say this, as I have many times and some of you have told me that you're tired of excuses, but life has just been very busy and I haven't had the time to write. However, now that I'm stuck at home with bronchitis, I'm hoping to get some chapters done.

But as I have said MANY times, I am not giving up on this story. It means too much to me. And it means a great deal that there are still people out there who want to read it. For that, I am more than grateful.

So as a thank you for sticking around, here's a teaser from a chapter I'm hoping to post very soon.

~~~~

I would never say anything to him, but I sometimes thought that I still wasn't good enough for Edward. I always saw myself as average, simple and ordinary. Not that there was anything wrong with that, I was just normal. Whereas Edward, he was just amazing. And somewhere deep inside, I was worried that if I clung too hard, or let him know how much I wanted and needed him, that I would turn into the "clingy girlfriend" and he would start to pull away.

Distance would do us - me - some good. Plus, I was quickly realizing that I should figure out how I felt about the whole "Edward pretty much lives her now" thing.

CH 36

I am the worst writer EVER. I can't believe it's been over two months since I last posted. I am so sorry everyone.

I have CH 36 done and posted and am starting to stock pile chapters so that you don't have to wait months for a chapter again. I honestly am trying to get my writing done, but life just sometimes doesn't allow it.

Thanks to everyone who is still here and reading this. If you are, let me know. I'd hate to be putting these chapters up and worrying if no one is actually reading them.

Chapter 36 Text

Saturday August 7

For whatever reason, it was a good day. Maybe it was the fact that I got the Dr. James stress off my chest and Edward agreed with me, or the fact summer school was officially done and I had a month just to relax, or maybe it was the fact that the vitamins that I ordered online came yesterday and I felt like I was actually taking a step, making an effort, and taking responsibility for my own well being. Whatever it was, it was causing a smile to grace my lips and a sway to move my hips. I felt sassy and happy.

It was almost noon and Edward was downstairs working on his "homework" from the seminar while I was folding and putting away laundry up in my room. My hips were moving and my butt was shaking to the music that I had blasting as I sorted the basket into different piles. It was strange how domestic today felt, but it felt right.

I sang along to the music as I picked up all my socks, as well as Edward's, and shimmied and danced over to the dresser. I was having a dance party in my room while I sang along with Ne-Yo as he literally told the story of me and Edward. Once the chorus hit, I started bouncing on the balls of my feet and sang louder. "Girl let me love you, and I will love you, until you learn to love yourself. Girl let me love you, and all your trouble, don't - eeekk!"

I jumped and yelped as I felt arms wrap around me. Clearly my music was too loud as I hadn't even heard Edward walk up my squeaky stairs. I immediately calmed as I recognize the arms that were holding me tight and the chest that I was resting the back of my head upon.

“Please don’t stop.” Edward whispered in my left ear before gently kissing my sweet spot behind my lobe.

I just smiled and rested further against him as we started to sway to the music. “Please keep singing," he continued. "It’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.”

I turned my face to the side and slowly met his gaze.

“Hello, love,” he whispered, just before his lips gently grazed mine. I turned in his arms so that our chests were touching and wrapped my arms around his neck. His hands rested low on my back and he started to move with more purpose, causing us to slow dance to the upbeat song.

He kept his eyes locked with mine as he pulled me closer. He only broke our gaze when he would bend to place gentle kisses along my bare shoulder. But as soon as he was done, his eyes would meet mine again. It was such a simple thing, staring into each other's eyes, but it felt so intimate. We kept dancing slowing together, swaying back in forth in my bedroom as the dance track blared from the radio.

All of a sudden, Edward got a wicked gleam in his eyes as he lowered his hands to squeeze my butt and started to sing along with the music, very softly. He leaned in and sang the words against my lips as he brushed his against mine, not kissing me, but definitely teasing me with his wonderful mouth and the appropriate lyrics. When he pulled back, his half smirk was playing on those kissable lips. He was playful today, and so was I.

The song was nearly over when Ne-Yo repeated "Let me love you, baby." over and over again. Edward began to rain little kisses over my cheek, nose, eyelids, and forehead as he sang the words repeatedly. If he was having fun telling me he loved me, I was going to have some fun myself by getting the reasons why he loved me out of him. For every reason he provided, he would get a little kiss, just like I had been getting. The song changed and it was my turn to take over and taunt him

“Edward?" I whispered against his lips, like he had done to mine. Not allowing him to kiss me, but just touch with the gentlest of pressure. "Why do you love me?”

All of a sudden his hands left my backside and were on my upper arms. He gently pushed me away from him. When I pulled back to meet his eyes to see why he was pushing me away, he looked pissed.

“What do you mean why?” He asked in a harsh tone.

“Edward?” I was completely confused about why he was all of a sudden mad. He kept saying that he loved me and I just wanted to know what it was about me that he loved.

“No, Bella," he said as he walked away from me to turn the radio down. He came right back and just stared down at me as he continued. He wasn't shouting at me, but there was definite force and anger in his voice.

"You’ve said that before - that you didn’t deserve to be with me or that you thought that you weren’t good enough - and no matter what I tell you, you don’t get it. Loving you is the only thing in my life that makes sense. It is the easiest thing that I have ever done. Nothing has ever been more effortless or made me happier than having you in my life and loving you. Do you not understand my feelings for you? I LOVE you. Ever single element of you. You are my everything. I plan on making you my future. I plan on marrying you and making you my wife. I plan on you being the mother of my children. I plan on growing old with you, dying right alongside you and spending the rest of eternity with you, holding your hand and loving you for the rest of forever.”

I had tears in my eyes. It was such a dichotomy. This was the most beautiful and passionate thing he had ever said to me, but he said it in anger. I went to interrupt him to tell him that he misunderstood me, but he pressed on.

“You saying that it doesn’t make sense for me to love you, tells me that I’m not showing you why I love you, or how much I love you, or how much I need you. It’s not a choice for me, Bella. I have no choice but to love everything you are.”

He wiped the tears away from my cheek as he pulled me into his arms. His lips pressed into the top of my head as he spoke into my hair.

"You can't ask me why I love you, Bella. I just do."

 "Edward," I began, as I pulled back to look at him in order to clarify the error he made. "I was just asking what it was about me that you loved. I wasn't doubting that you did, I just wanted to know. You were playing around, whispering the song against my lips, so I thought I'd play around to and find out what it was you loved about me.”

Immediately, a look of confusion, embarrassment, shame, and regret passed over his face. He pulled me tight into his chest, pressing my face into the crook of his neck.

"I'm sorry," he whispered against the top of my head. "I just....I...I'm sorry."

It was the first time I'd heard Edward stutter and it was in that moment that I truly realized how worried he was, for not only me, but for our relationship. He was worried that he wasn't showing me how much he loved me, or that he wasn't loving me correctly, the way I needed him to. He didn't realize that him loving me was probably saving my life.

I thought about how I was before Alice's wedding, the dreaded night in the bathtub with the razor and that brief thought of cutting myself. I hated to admit it, because it made me feel selfish, weak and in some way, unfeminist, but Edward really had changed my life.

I pulled back, cupped his face in my hands and kissed him tenderly on the lips. As far as I was concerned, the conversation was over and I wasn't going to bring it up again. I slid my arms up his chest and around his neck, pulling him closer to me, deepening our kiss. His arms continued to hold me tight, almost in desperation, and I felt the same need and urgency.

Edward's tongue swept meaningfully over mine as my fingers slid into his hair and fisted in his tresses. The passion between us only grew as he started to walk me backwards towards the bed. He gently lowered me onto the comforter and piles of sorted laundry, never removing his lips from my flesh.

His kiss explored every inch of exposed skin available. His lips danced over my jaw, down my neck, over the bare skin of my shoulders, across the top of my chest, and back up the other side until his lips were back home against mine. All the while, his hands were undoing the belt on my sleeveless top and lowering it down my body so that we wouldn't have to separate for him to remove it.

When Edward did finally remove his lips from my body, it was only for the briefest of moments to remove the remnants of clothes. He trailed butterfly kisses down my body as he finished lowering my shirt, and then my carpis. He kissed back up my bare legs and over my hip as he pulled my panties down.

I was naked under him, as he kneeled above me. He looked down at me with wonder as he lifted his t-shirt over his head and slipped out of his shorts and boxer briefs. And as soon as we were both naked, we found warmth and comfort in each other's arms. His warm skin was pressed tightly to mine as our lips continued to speak soundless words. He was hard against my thigh and I moved my hip so that I could feel his strength where I needed him.

With gentle thrusts, Edward slid between my lower lips and moved up to hit my clit. My head fell back and a gush of breath left my lips as a surge of desperation, lust and desire soared through my body. I was panting and clinging to Edward and he slowly continued to leisurely slide between my folds.

"Look at me, love."

The softness of the words spoken made my heart flutter as I opened my eyes - which I wasn't aware were closed - and met his gaze. His lips briefly met mine as he thrusting stilled at my entrance. He pulled back to watch me as he gently pressed forward and entered me.

The rhythm he set was slow and gentle. There were no hard thrusts, no rushed tempo. He made love to me, plain and simple. It was all consuming and the most vulnerable we had been with each other. Even when we were both on the brink of our orgasms, we kept the same measured pace. It was desperate, needy, deep, and intense and I had tears in my eyes as I fell apart in his arms. Edward followed a few moments later, my name a whisper on his breath and he stilled above me and then sank into my body.

Our foreheads rested together as our breathing slowed, our lips never more than a few millimeters apart. He gently pulled out of me, the void immediate and profound, but wrapped me in his arms as he cradled me to his chest.

"I love you, Bella." He breathed the words against my damp skin as his lips brushed from across my forehead to my lips where he held them in a soft kiss. "So much."

"I love you, too."

Edward and I eventually got out of bed, got dressed and put the remaining laundry away. It wasn't long before it was decided that we needed to get out of the house and have some fun.

We ended at this little Mexican restaurant that Edward had found. There was a live mariachi band playing in the corner, freshly made chips and salsa on the table and brightly coloured decorations everywhere. It was a very lively and lighthearted environment. Just what I needed. We were cuddled in a round booth that was big enough for six. We sat close together and watched the energy of the restaurant, our hands and legs constantly brushing up against each other.

"Excuse me, Senor." Edward and I looked up from out huge plate of deep-fried ice cream, to see a short, elderly man dressed in stereotypical Mexican garb, standing beside our table. "Would you two like your picture taken?"

Without a word, Edward and I looked into each other’s eyes, and I gave him a small nod as a ridiculous smile spread across my face.

"We would love to," Edward said, as he pulled me closer into his side and kissed the tip of my nose.

We were still facing each other when the gentleman placed two sombreros on the table for us to wear. There was a bright red one that was considerably smaller - that I quickly grabbed - and a bright green one that matched Edward's eyes. 

We donned the ridiculously large hats and posed by for the picture. It was hard to sit so close without the rims of the hats knocking into each other. We finally heard the click of the camera when we were able to hold in our laughter long enough for the man to get a decent picture.

"Come here, you," Edward laughed as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. He leaned me back in the booth and planted a big kiss on my lips. Our hats smashed together as his lips smiled against mine. I could help the laugh that escaped me as he pulled back and righted his sombrero.

On their way out of the restaurant, we walked past a wall of pictures.

"Hey!" I laughed. "There we are."

High up in the top right corner were two pictures of Edward and I. One, where we were facing the camera, clearly holding in our laughter, and the other of us kissing, my back somewhat arched and the brims of our hats pushed together, almost knocking the hats off.

Edward grabbed both pictures off the wall and went back to the cashier.

"So," he started as he held both pictures out to me. "Which one do you want, and which one shall I keep?"

"Mine," I said as I took the one of us kissing.

I couldn't stop the smile on my face. Although you couldn't see our faces clearly in the picture, the way Edward held me, the tenderness of the kiss and the smile on both our lips showed the love we had for each other.

I pushed up on my toes and kissed the underside of Edward's jaw. It was stupid how a simple picture could so how much he loved me. It just made my question this morning so redundant. Edward didn't need to tell me what he loved about me. He loved everything.