Edward and I spoke all night about what I should expect when I met with James, or Dr. Whylder, as he was more appropriately called. Edward agreed to come with me to my meeting, but insisted that he sit in the waiting room as this was something I needed to do on my own.
I spend the entire class thinking and stressing over what Edward had told me about dysthymia. Instead of teaching and helping my students with their final projects, I thought about all the symptoms that I had: sad mood, difficulty sleeping, feelings of worthlessness, feelings of hopelessness, thoughts of suicide, anxiety, difficulty being motivated, loss of interest in things that I used to enjoy, and being fearful of rejection.
It was hard for me to accept this diagnosis and get away from the ‘this is just how I am’ mentality. I had been this way for so long, that I honestly couldn’t tell when it all started. But, as Edward explained, that was a key factor in the difference between dysthymia and ‘regular’ depression. It wasn’t just a bout of depression here and there; people lived that way for years. A minimum of two years, Edward had stated, with no more than a two months period without symptoms.
It tore me a little inside to finally come to the realization that there was something wrong with me. I had always known that there was something about me that wasn’t right but now there was actual medical proof that I was broken.
I spent the entire day in class and the drive home holding back tears. My anxiety was high but my hopelessness was almost numbing.
As I opened my front door and threw my keys on the table, I just wanted to crash to the floor and let everything out. I had been trying so hard to hold it together in class that I was almost dead on my feet. The stress had taken every ounce of energy I had.
“Bella?”
My route to the couch was re-directed at the sound of Edward’s voice. I made my way to the back door to find Edward sitting on a plaid blanket in the middle of the backyard and to the side I heard the sizzle of the BBQ. On closer inspection, I saw chicken wings browning on the grill.
“What’s all this?” I asked, as I picked up a carrot stick off a veggie platter sitting on my patio table.
“I thought we could have a picnic lunch.” The smile that grew across Edward’s face was so warm and caring. I looked around me in awe as I saw everything that he had gotten ready.
There was a veggie and fruit tray on the table, as well as pasta salad and a pitcher of punch. The chicken wings were cooking on the grill and looked like they were done.
“This is…wow.” I couldn’t believe everything that he had done. I looked up to meet his shining eyes as he patted the blanket beside him.
“Bella,” Edward started as I sat down beside him, “I want to talk to you about something.”
I sat cross-legged in front of Edward as he took a deep breath and began. Suddenly, my heart was pounding. If Edward’s nervous, this can’t be good.
“Yesterday when you told me that you loved me, it got me thinking.” Edward paused as he reached out and entwined my fingers with his.
“I haven’t been totally honest with you, Bella. There are things about my past that you should know. If you truly do love me, I want you to love the good as well as the not so good.”
“Edward, what do you mean the ‘not so good’? Of course I love you.”
Edward opened and closed his mouth a couple times before he closed his eyes. It was only for a beat, but I could tell that he needed to prepare himself for what he was going to tell me.
“When I was in my second year of college,” he began, opening his eyes and slowly meeting my gaze, “I met a woman named Tanya. We were complete opposites, but I fell in love. We were together the whole time we were in school and by the time we started our final year together, I was ready to settle down. Tanya, however, just wanted us to be together and have fun. She was so driven and focused on her education and future career, and I admired her for it. We studied together and helped each other push farther and harder to further our education and career goals.
“She was the type of person who knew what she wanted and went for it. So, taking a page from her book, I bought her an engagement ring and proposed the day of our graduation, even though I knew how she felt about marriage. She was resistant to tying our lives together and that was hard for me to accept, but we agreed not to get married until after med school so that we could both focus on the job.
“Three months into our residency, Tanya found out that her twin sister Kate was killed in a car accident. After that, she was never the same. She became cold, distant, and incredibly fierce. Everyone told her to take time off, grieve and get better, but she refused. She pushed herself harder, spending nights at the hospital, working herself ragged. Whenever someone tried to talk to her or tried to help her, she verbally attacked them. She had tuned out everyone in her life, her parents, her friends, and me.
“After that, she stopped talking to me, stopped confiding in me. We stopped being intimate with each other, stopped holding hands, hugging, kissing. From then on, she didn’t need me, and never shared anything with me. As stupid as it sounds, I didn’t feel like a partner anymore. I didn’t feel like the man in the relationship; I wasn’t able to comfort her, help her or give her advice. She never wanted to hear it and never asked for it. She was cold, heartless.
“I fought with myself for a long time. I didn’t want to give up on her when she was hurting, but by this point, we weren’t even sharing a bed anymore. She had moved all her stuff into the guest room.
“Tanya eventually moved out. I came home one day, all her stuff was moved out and her engagement ring was sitting on the kitchen table, a letter lying underneath. It explained how she was finally admitting that it wasn’t working out between us and that our relationship was over. She had changed too much since Kate’s death and staying with me reminded her of who she was, not who she had grown to be.
“It took me a long time to stop blaming myself. Did I try hard enough? Did I show her how much I loved her enough? Did I hold her enough, comfort her enough? Was I understanding enough? I spent months analyzing every aspect of our relationship to see if I was enough for her. I finally realized that I wasn’t, that I couldn’t have done more, I couldn’t have fought more and held on tighter. I could have been there, even when she said she didn’t need it. But I wasn’t.
“I don’t blame myself anymore for her leaving, but I still can’t deny the fact that I could have done more for her.”
Edward paused his story. He looked down and squeezed my hands. I wanted to badly to say something to him, to encourage him, to tell him that he didn’t need to tell me the rest of the story. But I knew that he was telling me this for a reason, that he needed to get it out and that I needed to know all this. So instead of saying anything, I simply squeezed his hands in return.
“I found out later that Tanya had fallen into a deep depression and tried to commit suicide on the anniversary of Kate’s death. Her parents found her passed out in her living room, overdosed on meds from the hospital. They rushed her to the ER where I was working and I had to pump her stomach and admit her to the psyche ward.
“It’s been two years and she’s still there. I go up to visit her sometimes but she’s not the same. She’s been blaming herself for everything after she found out that when Kate got in the accident, she was on her way to the hospital to visit Tanya. Her and Kate hadn’t talked in a long time and every time Kate would call, Tanya would tell her that she didn’t have time to talk and would call her back. But Tanya never did.”
Edward stared deeply into my eyes as he gently cupped my cheeks.
“I know how you feel, Bella, never feeling good enough. I never felt good enough for Tanya. I still feel like I could have done more, been more for her, but it’s too late. I saw the signs but I did nothing. I stayed completely silent when I should have fought more. I ended up having a part to play in Kate’s death and Tanya’s attempted suicide. I could have pushed Tanya to slow down and call Kate back. I could have talk to the hospital and insist that they make Tanya take time off to grieve.
“When the ambulance brought Tanya in and I had to pump her stomach, I swore to myself that I would never put myself into that situation again. I would never hide what I thought or how I felt about anyone ever again. I saw Tanya start to struggle with her emotions, shutting everyone out, distancing herself from friends and family. I should have stepped in then but I didn’t.”
Edward wiped away a tear that I didn’t even know was trailing down my cheek and pulled me into his arms.
“I never want you to feel like you’re not good enough for me, or that there isn’t anything in you to love. I love you, Bella. The good and the not so good.”
Edward and I lay on the picnic blanket wrapped in each other’s arms for what seemed like hours. We were consoling each other and in a way, finally coming to terms and accepting our own faults.
“I love you, too, Edward.” I whispered after a time.
Edward and I remained quiet, we simply held each other in silence. It wasn’t until I felt Edward take in a deep breath that the silence and peace was broken.
“Bella?” he asked, with uncertainty in his voice.
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry.” I was about to ask him what he was apologizing for, but he quickly continued. “You have been honest with me from the very beginning and I haven’t returned the favor. I’m sorry that I wasn’t as open about my past as you. So…” he paused as he sat up and pulled me with him, “today I thought we could spend the afternoon eating and talking. I thought that something stupid like 20 questions could be fun.”
I had to smile at his idea. Only he would make an interrogation into a game for me. “I like that idea,” I said as I immediately thought of questions to ask him.
“Good!” Edward had a huge smile on his face as he stood up and went back to the deck. He loaded a tray with plates and napkins, the drinks and all the food. In no time, he was setting everything out on the blanket and sitting across from me.
“Alright, love,” he started with a smile, “pick your food and pick your first question.”
We both dug into the smorgasbord before us and loaded up our plates. We were ready to begin.
“Okay, Bella. Question number 1?”
It was hard to think of the first question that I wanted to ask him. There was so much I still wanted to know. But for now, I thought it better to start off on a lighter note and progressively get heavier.
“Favorite color.” I purposely said it as a statement instead of a question.
“Brown.” His answer was so immediate, it took me by surprise.
“Okay, pause for a second.” Was he serious? Brown? “Am I allowed to ask you to elaborate or will that count as another question?”
A sinister laugh left Edward’s mouth and I instantly knew my answer. “You want deeper answers, you must ask deeper questions.”
We narrowed our eyes at each other before we both started to laugh. Fine, he wants deeper questions? I’ll give him deeper questions.
“Fine than, why is brown your favorite color?”
Edward smirked but his face took on a serene look right before he answered. “Because it’s the colour of your eyes.”
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to ask him if he was serious, but the innocent look on his face hadn’t left after he spoke. Could that REALLY be the reason his favourite colour is brown?
I let his answer drop, afraid to push it in case that wasn’t the real answer. I decided to move onto the next question, making it another simple one.
“When is your birthday?”
“June 20th.”
“What is your favourite song?”
“Claire du Lune.”
“Favourite food?”
“Grilled cheese.”
I continued to ask Edward simple questions, learning basic information about him, progressively making the questions more substantial. I asked about his favourite book, his favourite movie, where he has traveled, what languages he knows, what he used to do in his free time before he met me and why he chose musical therapy as a career.
Finally, I had summoned up the courage to ask the questions that I really wanted to know.
“How old were you when you lost your virginity?”
Edward and I were still sitting together on the blanket, snacking on the picnic that he put together. But once I asked the question, Edward put down his plate and devoted all his attention to me.
“Are you sure you want to know about this?” Edward was sincere in his question, which made me believe it was a story that I didn’t really want to hear. But I nodded anyway, knowing that although I didn’t want to hear the story, it was something I needed to know.
“I was 15 years old and had been dating this girl, Sarah, for about three weeks. We were at her parent’s house one weekend when they were away. It just kinda happened. I had wanted to wait, but Sarah didn’t. She said she was in love with me and that it was the perfect time because her parents were gone. I felt horrible; I didn’t love her back, but went along with what she wanted anyway. I didn’t want her to feel rejected after she had just told me she loved me. It was over in about five minutes and she broke up with me four days later.”
That was almost the saddest story I had ever heard. My sweet Edward had been pressured into losing his virginity so someone else wouldn’t be hurt. I leaned forward and pulled Edward into my arms.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered to him. “I’m sorry you felt pressured like that.”
Edward placed a soft kiss on my left shoulder before he pulled back to look me in the eyes.
“It’s okay, love. I don’t regret it. I was a 15 year old boy having sex. At the time, it was the greatest moment of my life, even if I didn’t love Sarah.”
I laughed a little at his comment, realizing how true it was. Even if the situation wasn’t ideal, he was a teenage boy getting lucky. He couldn’t have been suffering too badly.
Edward and I continued our game until my twenty questions were up and the sky was getting dark. We cleaned up the remains of the picnic and headed inside, where Edward proceeded to ask me the same twenty questions I had asked him. This went on for the remainder of the night.
It had been difficult answering some of the questions that I had asked Edward, especially the question of my favourite childhood memory. Although I had lots of memories to choose from, thoughts of Jacob and my parent’s divorce seemed to taint them all.
Edward and I ended up finishing our game in bed, wrapped in each other’s arms. And even though I fell asleep at question 17, I slept with a lightened heart and a smile on my face, knowing the man sleeping beside me just a little bit better.
