Chapter 37

Sunday August 8

"Sooooo...how's the sex?"

"Alice!" I whispered at her from across the table. We were out at our typical Sunday brunch and her question had attracted the attention of the two elderly ladies at the table beside us.

"What? It's not like you're not sleeping with him. You spend every night with him and you haven't even been dating a month. You two have practically moved in together. Clearly you guys are getting carnal."

"It's not every night."

Alice quirked an eyebrow at me from above her glass of water, her right hand absentmindedly rubbing her stomach where her two month old baby bump hadn't even starting to show. Clearly she was challenging me. Has it really been less than a month? It feels like I've been with Edward forever.

"And besides," I continued, "that's not the point. This is neither the time nor the place to be having this discussion."

"Fine," Alice said, with a mischievous look on her face. "Then tell me this. Are you happy?"

"Yes," I said with a timid smile on my face. It was still hard to admit to myself that I was capable of being happy. "I am."

"How many times a week are you happy?" She wiggled her eyebrows at me, making it obvious that she was once again alluding to my bedroom activities with Edward.

"Alice, I - "

"Okay, okay, " she interrupted. She held up her hands in a placating gesture but the smile never left her face. It didn't leave mine either.

oooOOOooo

On the way home, I couldn't get what Alice said out of my mind. Had it really been every night that Edward and I spent together?  Were we practically living together already?

I opened my front door and instantly noticed Edward everywhere. His work shoes and running shoes were neatly paired on my entryway mat, his suitcase was on the landing going upstairs, he had files still piled on the dining room table, and an empty beer bottle sat on the counter.

It was evident that there was a man in this house.

I went upstairs and the proof was even more evident. There was a pair of his sweat pants on the end of the bed, and his toothbrush, deodorant, hair brush, and shaving stuff in the bathroom.

And even if some of his clothes weren't hanging in my closet, folded in my drawers or tossed on the bedroom floor, my house even had begun to smell like Edward. His side of the bed, his pillow, the towel that he used after his shower. Little hints were everywhere, indicating that Alice was right. We pretty much were living together after only a month.

There was mix of joy and nerves when I really stepped back and saw how much of him was in my house. Plus, he already has a house key. Was he slowly moving himself in? Was I ready to live with a boy? And how would it differ from how Edward and I were now?

Edward was out at Emmett and Rose's place watching a football game with Jasper. It was a much deserved day with the boys. He had tried to convince me over morning coffee to come over once I was done my lunch with Alice, but I thought it would be a good idea to let him have his fun. Plus, I was starting to think that it would do us well to start to miss each other.

I would never say anything to him, but I sometimes thought that I still wasn't good enough. I always saw myself as average, simple and ordinary. Not that there was anything wrong with that, I was just normal. Whereas Edward, he was just amazing. And somewhere deep inside, I was worried that if I clung too hard, or let him know how much I wanted and needed him, that I would turn into the "clingy girlfriend" and he would start to pull away.

Distance would do us - me - some good. Plus, I was quickly realizing that I should figure out how I felt about the whole "Edward pretty much lives here now" thing.

I had the rest of the day to vacuum, clean the bathroom, do some grocery shopping, and start cooking dinner. I didn't expect Edward to be home until later that night, as Alice had said that football games could go on forever.

I was sitting in the living room, eating a big bowl of spaghetti with meat sauce and watching "The Big Bang Theory" marathon, when I heard a car door shut. Looking out my front window, I saw Edward walking up the driveway, looking incredibly sexy in green cargo shorts and a white tank. At 6:13pm, he was home a whole two hours earlier than I had expected him.

I walked into the kitchen to get Edward a bowl for dinner and realized that not only had I forgotten to take my new vitamins with dinner, but I had also yet to tell Edward that I was taking them. I honestly didn't know why I was hiding it, or even if I was hiding it, but I knew that it was something I wanted to try for myself, without any external influences.

I popped the dark green and light yellow vitamins, washing them down with the remnants of the tangy herbal tea that I hadn't decided if I liked or not. Although I was a bit skeptical that the herbal teas and vitamins I ordered would work, I needed to give them a shot.

 "Love?"

A smile turned up my lips as I put my cup in the sink and went into the hallway. Edward was already half way to the kitchen when he caught me in his arms and placed a kiss on the top of my head.

"How was the game?" My arms gave one quick squeeze before I let him go and took a step back to look at him.

"It was alright. I'm more of a baseball fan myself."

"Have you had dinner yet?"  I led him into the kitchen as his hand rested on my lower back.

"No, but Rosalie had so much food that I've been eating non-stop all day."

Together, we cleaned up the kitchen. He put the leftovers into multiple small Tupperware containers, which were perfect for single meal servings, while I washed the pots and pans. Like yesterday with the laundry, it hit me once again how domesticated, but right this all felt. Doing simple, daily chores with Edward made me happy.

But I immediately had to stop and ask myself why, if simple daily chores with Edward made me happy, was I concerned with the fact that we had spent almost every night together, his possessions were strewn all over my home and we had only been dating for less than a month? Alice's wedding was on July 10th, today was August 8th. Less than a month together and I was in love, with someone in love with me in return, been intimate with this person multiple times, and was in a completely trusting and committed relationship. Wasn't this what I always wanted? Wasn't this what I had wanted with Jake, a safe, normal, secure relationship with love, honesty, and true partnership? 

Life had been a struggle when Jake was in it. It was hard to believe that I was desired since he only desired me when he was lonely and horny. In some ways, it hurt to think of Jake in that capacity - the man who used me - since at times, he was a good friend. We had had fun together when we were kids and Charlie and Billy would take us on fishing trips or to barbeques. I had confided in Jake, and trusted him, but I had never gotten any trust - or even acknowledgement at some times - in return. I had given my heart to Jake, and so unlike Edward, Jake had used it to his advantage. He had bruised my heart - and at one point, my body - in order to get what he wanted, but I had still wanted the "safe, normal, and secure" relationship with him. I knew, even then, that I was broken, but when you're in pieces and someone shows you attention and affection, the pieces start to put themselves back together, even if the pieces don't go back in their proper spots.

All I wanted my whole life, the almost 15 years of off and on with Jake, was exactly what I had with Edward, and once again, I was living in my head and over analyzing it instead of seeing it for what it was and appreciating it. Did the length of our relationship really matter if Edward was giving me everything that I needed, not to mention, wanted? He was so much better than Jake, so much better for me, that although Jake would always be there since he was my first love, his light had dimmed and he now sat in the back corner on my mind. Edward had taken his place in the forefront and in that moment, time didn't matter, at least I didn't think it did.

"Edward," I began as I put the pot that I was absentmindedly scrubbing down. "Does time matter?"

He popped on the lid of the last container and stacked it with the rest of the others in the fridge. "What do you mean?"

"I mean for us. We've been dating for less than a month and you spend pretty much every night here, you have your stuff here, and a key to my place. Does it matter that we are already that far along in our relationship when we haven't been dating for that long?"

I could tell that Edward knew I was once again stuck in my head and his doctor mode came out. "Does it matter to you?"

"No," I replied with surprising confidence, "this works for us. This is what I want and I like how things are. I just didn't know if we were moving too fast. If you think about it, you pretty much live here."

"Does that bother you?" he asked, clearly still taking a clinical approach.

"I don't think so...no. No, it doesn't. Does it bother you?"

The doctor mask slid away and the man I loved smiled back at me and he stepped in front of me and held my face in his gentle hands.

"No," he whispered, as he gently kissed my lips. "If it bothered me, I wouldn't be here all the time. I want to be with you and I'll go to wherever you are."

I loved this man more than I ever thought I was capable. Somehow, he was on the same page as me regarding our feelings for each other, but never let them take over his rational side, or let them interfere with what we both knew was right.

"Let’s spend the night at your place," I said, trying to be unselfish and considerate of his needs. "We haven't spent much time there at all and it must be a pain and a chore for you to always have to pack stuff to bring here."

 "Bella, when it comes to you, nothing is a pain or a chore."

We finished up in the kitchen, then it was my turn to pack a bag for the night. Edward had to work tomorrow so I knew that I only had to pack a limited number of items. I didn't really have anything exciting planned for the next day, probably just working on my prep for the school year and maybe start on some of the books I ordered with the teas and vitamins.

oooOOOooo

"Babe, you want something to drink?"

I looked over the back of the old, ratty couch to see Jacob standing at the top of the steps, his arms above his head, grasping the doorframe. The muscles in his arms made the tight black t-shirt he was wearing look like he had bought it in the junior department. I wouldn't have been surprised if the sleeves ripped from around his biceps.

I sat there, looking up at the man that I longed for, a man that in some way, I loved, and just stared at the cocky smile playing on his lips. He knew what he was doing to me but he did it anyway. And for some masochistic reason, it turned me on and made my mouth dry.

"Just some water," I called back before turning around and facing the TV. If I looked at him any longer, I would blush and giggle like the insecure girl I was. Jacob knew how I felt about him, he had known for years, and he used it to his every advantage.

I was in my second year of College and today was my birthday. Every one of my friends bailed on me and I ended up sitting at the bar with a girl from work who I didn't really know or like that much. Jacob was out across town with a friend of his at a pub and said to call him "later" so we could "hook up." That was one of his favourite phrases. He would tell me to call him "later" but was never available when I called. Or, more telling, was when he said he'd call me "later" and I didn't hear from him for eight months. I guess we had a very different definition of "later."

As I left the bar, completely embarrassed that the only person that was there was the girl that picked me up, I called Jacob to see if he was ready to "hook up later." Of course he was drunk, but he was back home and said to come over.

Danielle, the girl from work, had just dropped me off and Jacob had already pulled his famous "grab and twist" on my chest and smacked my butt as I walked past him to the basement. Not only was Jake drunk, he was also a bit stoned.

"Here you go."

I turned to see Jake put a glass of water, a bottle of beer and a glass pipe on the table. I quickly took a drink to help moisten my dry mouth.

Before I could put the glass back down on the table, Jake was leaning on top of me, forcing my body back with his, the scratchy stubble of his day old scruff scraping my neck and chin.

"Jake..."I struggled in his grip, trying to push him away. One of his hands was tight on my waist while the other had my wrist pinned to the armrest of the couch.

"Don't worry, Bells. We're just having fun." He loosened his grip on me, lightly trailing his fingers up and down my arms, before his hand rested on the side of my breast. The other still held my waist but loosened to slide under my shirt and up my back.

His lips met mine in a soft kiss, showing the side of Jacob I always longed for, but knew wouldn't  stay for long. I held onto this Jacob, kissing him back with as much tenderness and passion as I had.

His hands moved over my body in a smooth, soft dance, while his lips once again returned to my neck and chin. I linked my fingers into the belt loops of his pants and tried to pull him tighter into me before the moment was ruined.

"Why won't you sleep with me? Is there something wrong with you down there?"

And just like that, not only was the moment ruined, but I felt ridiculed, disgusted, ashamed, and on the verge of tears. There was nothing wrong with me "down there" as Jacob put it. I just didn't want to be with a man who didn't really want to be with me.

I tried pushing Jake away but the hand that was sliding up my back slid back down to my waist and held me in place. He pulled back to look at me with glossy, bloodshot eyes. He had a genuine look of confusion.

"I didn't mean to insult you, Bells. I was just wondering what's wrong with you."

I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I pushed him off, and went up the stairs to get my keys. It was then that I realized that I didn't drive myself here and Jacob was drunk and stoned and couldn't drive me home either.

"Bells, just come sit back down. I didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure everything is working fine down there."

I stopped at the top of the steps and stared down at the beautiful man who was making me cry. I couldn't get the words out, stumbling over myself, trying to tell him to just forget it and leave me alone.

My crappy birthday had officially turned into a shit show and I couldn't get out of the house fast enough. I was halfway to the front door when I heard his huge body clumping up the stairs.

"Bells, wait," he said, as he put his arm around my waist and pull me into a backwards embrace.

I wrapped my hands around his arms that were around my waist and dug my nails into his wrists.

"Don't touch me." I growled with my back still to Jake as I dug my nails in harder and tore his hands from around my body.

"Ouch, Bella. What the hell?"

"Get your hands off me." I kept trying to release the grip around my waist but his hands held me tighter.

"Love, it's me. Wake up."

I'm still here, I promise

Hello everyone,

I know it has been a VERY long time, I can't believe I haven't posted anything since April. For that, I am so incredibly sorry. I hate to say this, as I have many times and some of you have told me that you're tired of excuses, but life has just been very busy and I haven't had the time to write. However, now that I'm stuck at home with bronchitis, I'm hoping to get some chapters done.

But as I have said MANY times, I am not giving up on this story. It means too much to me. And it means a great deal that there are still people out there who want to read it. For that, I am more than grateful.

So as a thank you for sticking around, here's a teaser from a chapter I'm hoping to post very soon.

~~~~

I would never say anything to him, but I sometimes thought that I still wasn't good enough for Edward. I always saw myself as average, simple and ordinary. Not that there was anything wrong with that, I was just normal. Whereas Edward, he was just amazing. And somewhere deep inside, I was worried that if I clung too hard, or let him know how much I wanted and needed him, that I would turn into the "clingy girlfriend" and he would start to pull away.

Distance would do us - me - some good. Plus, I was quickly realizing that I should figure out how I felt about the whole "Edward pretty much lives her now" thing.

CH 36

I am the worst writer EVER. I can't believe it's been over two months since I last posted. I am so sorry everyone.

I have CH 36 done and posted and am starting to stock pile chapters so that you don't have to wait months for a chapter again. I honestly am trying to get my writing done, but life just sometimes doesn't allow it.

Thanks to everyone who is still here and reading this. If you are, let me know. I'd hate to be putting these chapters up and worrying if no one is actually reading them.

Chapter 36 Text

Saturday August 7

For whatever reason, it was a good day. Maybe it was the fact that I got the Dr. James stress off my chest and Edward agreed with me, or the fact summer school was officially done and I had a month just to relax, or maybe it was the fact that the vitamins that I ordered online came yesterday and I felt like I was actually taking a step, making an effort, and taking responsibility for my own well being. Whatever it was, it was causing a smile to grace my lips and a sway to move my hips. I felt sassy and happy.

It was almost noon and Edward was downstairs working on his "homework" from the seminar while I was folding and putting away laundry up in my room. My hips were moving and my butt was shaking to the music that I had blasting as I sorted the basket into different piles. It was strange how domestic today felt, but it felt right.

I sang along to the music as I picked up all my socks, as well as Edward's, and shimmied and danced over to the dresser. I was having a dance party in my room while I sang along with Ne-Yo as he literally told the story of me and Edward. Once the chorus hit, I started bouncing on the balls of my feet and sang louder. "Girl let me love you, and I will love you, until you learn to love yourself. Girl let me love you, and all your trouble, don't - eeekk!"

I jumped and yelped as I felt arms wrap around me. Clearly my music was too loud as I hadn't even heard Edward walk up my squeaky stairs. I immediately calmed as I recognize the arms that were holding me tight and the chest that I was resting the back of my head upon.

“Please don’t stop.” Edward whispered in my left ear before gently kissing my sweet spot behind my lobe.

I just smiled and rested further against him as we started to sway to the music. “Please keep singing," he continued. "It’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.”

I turned my face to the side and slowly met his gaze.

“Hello, love,” he whispered, just before his lips gently grazed mine. I turned in his arms so that our chests were touching and wrapped my arms around his neck. His hands rested low on my back and he started to move with more purpose, causing us to slow dance to the upbeat song.

He kept his eyes locked with mine as he pulled me closer. He only broke our gaze when he would bend to place gentle kisses along my bare shoulder. But as soon as he was done, his eyes would meet mine again. It was such a simple thing, staring into each other's eyes, but it felt so intimate. We kept dancing slowing together, swaying back in forth in my bedroom as the dance track blared from the radio.

All of a sudden, Edward got a wicked gleam in his eyes as he lowered his hands to squeeze my butt and started to sing along with the music, very softly. He leaned in and sang the words against my lips as he brushed his against mine, not kissing me, but definitely teasing me with his wonderful mouth and the appropriate lyrics. When he pulled back, his half smirk was playing on those kissable lips. He was playful today, and so was I.

The song was nearly over when Ne-Yo repeated "Let me love you, baby." over and over again. Edward began to rain little kisses over my cheek, nose, eyelids, and forehead as he sang the words repeatedly. If he was having fun telling me he loved me, I was going to have some fun myself by getting the reasons why he loved me out of him. For every reason he provided, he would get a little kiss, just like I had been getting. The song changed and it was my turn to take over and taunt him

“Edward?" I whispered against his lips, like he had done to mine. Not allowing him to kiss me, but just touch with the gentlest of pressure. "Why do you love me?”

All of a sudden his hands left my backside and were on my upper arms. He gently pushed me away from him. When I pulled back to meet his eyes to see why he was pushing me away, he looked pissed.

“What do you mean why?” He asked in a harsh tone.

“Edward?” I was completely confused about why he was all of a sudden mad. He kept saying that he loved me and I just wanted to know what it was about me that he loved.

“No, Bella," he said as he walked away from me to turn the radio down. He came right back and just stared down at me as he continued. He wasn't shouting at me, but there was definite force and anger in his voice.

"You’ve said that before - that you didn’t deserve to be with me or that you thought that you weren’t good enough - and no matter what I tell you, you don’t get it. Loving you is the only thing in my life that makes sense. It is the easiest thing that I have ever done. Nothing has ever been more effortless or made me happier than having you in my life and loving you. Do you not understand my feelings for you? I LOVE you. Ever single element of you. You are my everything. I plan on making you my future. I plan on marrying you and making you my wife. I plan on you being the mother of my children. I plan on growing old with you, dying right alongside you and spending the rest of eternity with you, holding your hand and loving you for the rest of forever.”

I had tears in my eyes. It was such a dichotomy. This was the most beautiful and passionate thing he had ever said to me, but he said it in anger. I went to interrupt him to tell him that he misunderstood me, but he pressed on.

“You saying that it doesn’t make sense for me to love you, tells me that I’m not showing you why I love you, or how much I love you, or how much I need you. It’s not a choice for me, Bella. I have no choice but to love everything you are.”

He wiped the tears away from my cheek as he pulled me into his arms. His lips pressed into the top of my head as he spoke into my hair.

"You can't ask me why I love you, Bella. I just do."

 "Edward," I began, as I pulled back to look at him in order to clarify the error he made. "I was just asking what it was about me that you loved. I wasn't doubting that you did, I just wanted to know. You were playing around, whispering the song against my lips, so I thought I'd play around to and find out what it was you loved about me.”

Immediately, a look of confusion, embarrassment, shame, and regret passed over his face. He pulled me tight into his chest, pressing my face into the crook of his neck.

"I'm sorry," he whispered against the top of my head. "I just....I...I'm sorry."

It was the first time I'd heard Edward stutter and it was in that moment that I truly realized how worried he was, for not only me, but for our relationship. He was worried that he wasn't showing me how much he loved me, or that he wasn't loving me correctly, the way I needed him to. He didn't realize that him loving me was probably saving my life.

I thought about how I was before Alice's wedding, the dreaded night in the bathtub with the razor and that brief thought of cutting myself. I hated to admit it, because it made me feel selfish, weak and in some way, unfeminist, but Edward really had changed my life.

I pulled back, cupped his face in my hands and kissed him tenderly on the lips. As far as I was concerned, the conversation was over and I wasn't going to bring it up again. I slid my arms up his chest and around his neck, pulling him closer to me, deepening our kiss. His arms continued to hold me tight, almost in desperation, and I felt the same need and urgency.

Edward's tongue swept meaningfully over mine as my fingers slid into his hair and fisted in his tresses. The passion between us only grew as he started to walk me backwards towards the bed. He gently lowered me onto the comforter and piles of sorted laundry, never removing his lips from my flesh.

His kiss explored every inch of exposed skin available. His lips danced over my jaw, down my neck, over the bare skin of my shoulders, across the top of my chest, and back up the other side until his lips were back home against mine. All the while, his hands were undoing the belt on my sleeveless top and lowering it down my body so that we wouldn't have to separate for him to remove it.

When Edward did finally remove his lips from my body, it was only for the briefest of moments to remove the remnants of clothes. He trailed butterfly kisses down my body as he finished lowering my shirt, and then my carpis. He kissed back up my bare legs and over my hip as he pulled my panties down.

I was naked under him, as he kneeled above me. He looked down at me with wonder as he lifted his t-shirt over his head and slipped out of his shorts and boxer briefs. And as soon as we were both naked, we found warmth and comfort in each other's arms. His warm skin was pressed tightly to mine as our lips continued to speak soundless words. He was hard against my thigh and I moved my hip so that I could feel his strength where I needed him.

With gentle thrusts, Edward slid between my lower lips and moved up to hit my clit. My head fell back and a gush of breath left my lips as a surge of desperation, lust and desire soared through my body. I was panting and clinging to Edward and he slowly continued to leisurely slide between my folds.

"Look at me, love."

The softness of the words spoken made my heart flutter as I opened my eyes - which I wasn't aware were closed - and met his gaze. His lips briefly met mine as he thrusting stilled at my entrance. He pulled back to watch me as he gently pressed forward and entered me.

The rhythm he set was slow and gentle. There were no hard thrusts, no rushed tempo. He made love to me, plain and simple. It was all consuming and the most vulnerable we had been with each other. Even when we were both on the brink of our orgasms, we kept the same measured pace. It was desperate, needy, deep, and intense and I had tears in my eyes as I fell apart in his arms. Edward followed a few moments later, my name a whisper on his breath and he stilled above me and then sank into my body.

Our foreheads rested together as our breathing slowed, our lips never more than a few millimeters apart. He gently pulled out of me, the void immediate and profound, but wrapped me in his arms as he cradled me to his chest.

"I love you, Bella." He breathed the words against my damp skin as his lips brushed from across my forehead to my lips where he held them in a soft kiss. "So much."

"I love you, too."

Edward and I eventually got out of bed, got dressed and put the remaining laundry away. It wasn't long before it was decided that we needed to get out of the house and have some fun.

We ended at this little Mexican restaurant that Edward had found. There was a live mariachi band playing in the corner, freshly made chips and salsa on the table and brightly coloured decorations everywhere. It was a very lively and lighthearted environment. Just what I needed. We were cuddled in a round booth that was big enough for six. We sat close together and watched the energy of the restaurant, our hands and legs constantly brushing up against each other.

"Excuse me, Senor." Edward and I looked up from out huge plate of deep-fried ice cream, to see a short, elderly man dressed in stereotypical Mexican garb, standing beside our table. "Would you two like your picture taken?"

Without a word, Edward and I looked into each other’s eyes, and I gave him a small nod as a ridiculous smile spread across my face.

"We would love to," Edward said, as he pulled me closer into his side and kissed the tip of my nose.

We were still facing each other when the gentleman placed two sombreros on the table for us to wear. There was a bright red one that was considerably smaller - that I quickly grabbed - and a bright green one that matched Edward's eyes. 

We donned the ridiculously large hats and posed by for the picture. It was hard to sit so close without the rims of the hats knocking into each other. We finally heard the click of the camera when we were able to hold in our laughter long enough for the man to get a decent picture.

"Come here, you," Edward laughed as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. He leaned me back in the booth and planted a big kiss on my lips. Our hats smashed together as his lips smiled against mine. I could help the laugh that escaped me as he pulled back and righted his sombrero.

On their way out of the restaurant, we walked past a wall of pictures.

"Hey!" I laughed. "There we are."

High up in the top right corner were two pictures of Edward and I. One, where we were facing the camera, clearly holding in our laughter, and the other of us kissing, my back somewhat arched and the brims of our hats pushed together, almost knocking the hats off.

Edward grabbed both pictures off the wall and went back to the cashier.

"So," he started as he held both pictures out to me. "Which one do you want, and which one shall I keep?"

"Mine," I said as I took the one of us kissing.

I couldn't stop the smile on my face. Although you couldn't see our faces clearly in the picture, the way Edward held me, the tenderness of the kiss and the smile on both our lips showed the love we had for each other.

I pushed up on my toes and kissed the underside of Edward's jaw. It was stupid how a simple picture could so how much he loved me. It just made my question this morning so redundant. Edward didn't need to tell me what he loved about me. He loved everything.

CH 35

Hello everyone, 

I hope that everyone had a great new years and that 2013 is treating you right. Once again, I have failed at posting on time and posting a teaser. But I hope you will forgive me as CH 35 is now posted below.

Thanks to everyone who continues to read, and I know that I take FOREVER to post new chapters, but I truly do appreciate every comment and review I get.

Chapter 35

Friday August 6

Edward was wrong.

He slept at his house last night so that I could get a good night’s sleep before today’s appointment with Dr. James. He didn’t want me to wake up when he did, since he would have to get up at the crack of dawn, so he let me sleep alone in my big, cold, empty bed.

Well, for being a doctor, he sure was an idiot. I hadn’t had a nightmare since we started sharing a bed, and of course last night, the nightmares started up again. And unlike my previous dreams, this one wasn’t a mock or a farfetched fear. This one was about my appointment today. It was about the questions Dr. James would ask, the buttons he would push and the answers he would analyze in order to get to my real pain.

By the time I woke up, my dream had me completely broken down, doubting myself and regressed to my ‘pre-Alice’s-wedding state’ as I called it. I was anxious, nauseous, and couldn’t get back to sleep.

Stupid Edward and his stupid courteous behaviour.

I had reluctantly called Dr. James’ office this morning and asked if he still had an opening today. Luckily, or unluckily as I was starting to see it, my appointment slot was still vacant. And even more unfortunate, was that the feelings that were prevalent in my dream, followed me all morning.

"Miss Swan?"

I shook myself out of my reverie and re-focused on my surroundings. I was sitting in the waiting room waiting to be summoned by the creepy therapist. The same receptionist who hit on Edward last week sat behind her desk and was glaring at me expectantly.

"Dr. James will see you now."

"Oh, uh, thank you." My voice was soft and full of tension. And as I collected my purse and put back the magazine I held but hadn't bothered to open, I saw a roll of the eyes and an unladylike snort escape the bitch behind the desk.

I braced myself as I walked down the hall and stood in front of Dr. James' door. Last week, the rude receptionist walked me down and opened the door for me. But today, I was directed to the door and had to find the courage to knock and open the door myself. As small of a change as it was, I felt like I was thrown into a new job after only watching an orientation video. I had an idea of what to expect, but no preparation at all.

Without giving myself a chance to second guess my action, I knocked on the mahogany door and stood, waiting for instruction. Expecting just a simple "come in," I was taken aback when the door opened and Dr. James stood in front of me, a proud smile on his face.

"Well, Miss Swan. I'm glad you came back. Please, come in."

After taking the same seat I was directed to last week and then watching the same routine of Dr. James getting himself a drink but not offering one to me, we sat across from each other in silence.

"Well, Miss Swan," he started, without any form of customary pleasantry or small talk. "Are you willing to continue where we left off and impart your philosophy of fate on me this week?"

It took me a moment to understand what he was talking about. I remembered we had left off talking about one of the points on humanistic psychology; that everyone must take personal responsibility for their actions, whether the result was positive or negative. In his opinion, I was in control of my life and needed to be accountable for the path my life had taken. I, on the other hand, said that although I did have control over some elements of my life, fate also took part of the blame.

"Well," I hedged, "I still believe that although we are definitely accountable for elements of our lives, we can't be accountable for everything in our life that has shaped who we are. I have no control over how other people view or treat me. It's peoples free will. I can't control that."

Immediately, Dr. James started writing things down in his book with a sinister sneer on his face, as if he was already goading me into his trap.

"What do you mean 'peoples free will'? Don't you think you have an influence over how people treat you?" There was a smile in his voice as Dr. James started his analysis of my answers.

"To some extent, yes, but not explicitly."

"Why not? Clearly who you are determines how people relate and react to you."

For some reason, that statement made me angry. He was implying that people aren't who they innately are, but that we simply react to each other. That people don't have different opinions, morals, values, ideals and personalities. We just feed off each other, causing reactions and consequences, instead of making decisions. That everyone is reactive, not action or purpose driven.  That the victim isn't a victim because of the action of the perpetrator, but because they acted like a victim in the first place.

"I know that no matter how kind I was, Jacob always took advantage of me and that changed how I saw my self-worth. No matter what I did to help my father, kept in touch and worked at being a good daughter, Charlie never saw me or appreciated what I did. And no matter how much baggage I have, or how much I don't believe I deserved it, Edward will always love me." The words were out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying.

"Who's Jacob?"

                    

Those two words shocked me more than anything he had said so far. I hadn't even realized that I had brought up Jake until it was too late. I didn't want to talk about Jacob and the influence he had on my life. I knew that I blamed him for how I saw myself and how I acted in relationships, but he couldn't take all the blame. It was my fault for allowing him to have so much control over my life for so many years. I kept going back to him, knowing that I shouldn't but never thinking I could get any better. I was settling for something I didn't want, someone who treated me poorly because I never thought I could get any better.

This was the stuff that I didn't want to get into with someone I wasn't comfortable with. Maybe with a different doctor that I trusted and built some sort of a foundation with, but not with Dr. Creepy. But then on the other hand, the likelihood of me coming back to see Dr. James was slim. So perhaps telling him, knowing I'd never see him again, might be beneficial.

"Jacob is an old boyfriend."

I knew that Dr. James would dig deeper so I thought that I'd start out as simplistically as I could. And I was right. He asked more about Jacob and if I had never taken that romantic road with Jacob, where I thought my life would be? Would it look better than the one I was living?

The majority of the questions I didn't have an answer for. It was all hypothetical situations that I would have no way of definitively knowing. I answered some of the questions, like if Jacob was a good experience or a bad one and how his treatment of me shaped how I saw myself, but the rest I evaded.

At the end of what seemed like the longest hour of my life, Dr. James ripped out a page from his book and handed it to me.

"Well, Miss Swan, our time is up. But I want you to take these questions home and think about them."

I looked at the sheet in my hand and four questions written on it.

What do you need to achieve your desired potential? 

What responsibility do you have to yourself to live a more positive, fulfilling life?

What motivators do you have in your life?

What motivates you to get up, to go to work, to grow as a person?

We said a quick goodbye and I left the office, once again walking past his receptionist without scheduling a follow-up appointment. I didn't know how I felt after this second session. Dr. James still freaked me out, although he had given me a lot to think about. It was frightening how honest I had been in my thoughts of Jacob and how, although I knew he was partially to blame, so was I. I didn't want to admit that to Dr. James, but it made sense that I was accountable, to some degree, for allowing Jake to shape who I was. I knew that he didn't treat me properly, but I made the conscious decision to keep going back to him. Maybe Dr. James was right about personal accountability.

I was in a daze as I made my way home, thinking about the session. The more I thought about it, the more Dr. James' words and philosophy came together. I kept going back to Jake, hoping he would treat me better or see me differently. I was the one who called Charlie weekly even though there was really no point. He never saw me, never cared, but I always hoped. I allowed both these men to walk all over me and never stood up for myself. Why would they think there was anything wrong with how they were treating me if I kept falling into the same roles I had with them and never said anything to the contrary?

I was half way to the door before I noticed I was home and that Edward's car was in the driveway. I was actually looking forward to talking to him about today's session. To get his opinion on my new insight.

"Edward?" I called as I walked in and kicked off my flip flops.

"In here," he called from the kitchen.

I walked into the dining room to see papers and books spread out all over the table and Edward leaning over a file with a pencil in his mouth. He looked adorable sitting at the table with his hand in his hair, messing it up even more, a studious look on his face and chewing on the pencil. He was clearly deep in thought about something.

"What's all this?" I asked as I walked up beside him and kissed the top of his head.

"Just research that they gave out at this morning's meeting. It was a debriefing of the webinar from earlier in the week. The British Association that was hosting the webinar emailed the Chief a couple of sample case studies based on the new philosophies that were discussed and we have the weekend to develop a treatment plan."

"They gave you homework?" I couldn't keep the chuckle out of the voice when I saw the look of distress on Edward's face. He looked like a college kid cramming for finals.

"Yeah, I know," he answered, as he closed the file that was open in front of him. "I didn't sign up for this." The smile on his face was a clear indication that he was joking. He was in his element and loving every minute of it.

He pivoted in his chair, wrapped his arms around my waist and looked up at me with playful eyes. "Hi," he said sweetly as he lifted his chin, clearly looking for a kiss.

I leaned down, placed a soft, gentle kiss on his lips. "Hi," I answered back as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "So how is the case study going?"

"Good actually, but I could use a study break. Want to join me?"

Edward and I walked down the street hand-in-hand to the ice cream shop on the corner. The entire way, he was talking about the study and his hypothetical treatment plan, using the new philosophies discussed in the seminar. We each got a cone at the window and continued to walk to Madison Beach.

"So tell me how this morning went?" Edward asked as we sat on the grass and stared out at the water.

We sat on the grass, eating our ice cream and talked about my session with Dr. James. Edward was actually a bit surprised at his cold demeanor and lack of social pleasantries but agreed that Dr. James seems to be getting me to think. We were also on the same page when it came to fate. He agreed that although we do have a lot of control, not everything in our life is up to us.

"So are you going to go back next week?" Edward asked as we threw out our napkins and started heading home.

"I don't know. I agree that he's making me think, and that the questions he gave me to think about are important things to address, but there's just something about him."

"So it wasn't the idea of therapy that you don't like, just James?"

I thought about our conversation yesterday and how Edward was concerned that I was bailing on therapy after just going once.

"No, it's not therapy I don't like. I just want to find someone I am more comfortable with. And I want to be more comfortable with myself before I start opening up to a stranger and letting them analyze my life. I want to know and trust the person digging around."

We walked in silence for a bit before Edward spoke in a gentle tone.

"I agree," he said as he squeezed my hand in assurance. "You should feel comfortable opening yourself up to someone. If you're closed off and concerned about what someone will think, you won't be honest and receptive to their opinion."

It surprised me how easily he saw my way of thinking. I was always concerned that he would be disappointed in me for not wanting to do therapy anymore. I truly did underestimate how much he got me.

By the time we got home, we had agreed that I would still like to get some help, but not with Dr. James. I told him about the number I got for Dr. Cook and we discussed the option of seeing her. Edward said that if I wanted to give her a call, he would support it 100% but said he would ask around to see if there were any other humanistic psychologists in the area, as this approach seemed to be working. It seemed like we had a plan that we were both happy with. At that moment, I had no idea why I was so worried about talking to him about my concerns with Dr. James. Clearly, he would still want me to go and give it an honest effort, but he knew me, knew what would work best for me and I trusted him. All that worrying was for nothing.

"What's that smile about?" I asked as we walked up the driveway and into the house. For some reason, he had a developed a mischievous grin and seemed to be excited about something.

"Well," he smiled, "you're done with school now and I have a couple of days off coming up. I was just thinking that we should go away somewhere."

"Where were you thinking?" I asked as we settled onto the couch. I was concerned that he wanted to take some grand trip somewhere that I couldn't afford. I remembered the argument we had when we first started dating about him wanting to take me to a fancy restaurant. I didn't want to go through that again.

"It doesn't matter. Let’s just get away. We can rent a cottage somewhere, or go camping. We can go to Forks if you want. Let’s just get out of the city for a couple of days."

Before I could stop it, my smile vanished. "No Forks."

Edward looked at me with a perplexed expression.

"I don't want to run into Charlie or Jacob."

At the mention of Jake's name, Edward stiffened and quickly agreed. "You're right. It would be better if Jake and I never met. I honestly don't know what I would do if I ever met the man who hurt you so much."

I remained silent as Edward stared off into space, more than likely thinking about what he would do if that situation actually occurred. But within no time, that mischievous smile returned. His eyes got an excited look in them and he was almost radiating off the cushion.

"I know the perfect place."