Chapter 27 Information

Hello all, 

I'm only three days late with this update so hopefully you won't hate me. I'm trying hard to get back to writing, even just a bit every night. Here's CH 27 and the outfits.

Thanks to luckiestar1012 and Snowball Sniper for sticking with me, checking up on me and encouraging me to keep writing. Not to mention for always being there to help with editing. 

~JustTry

Chapter 27

Thursday July 29

I sat at my kitchen table writing. Just writing questions and concerns that I wanted to bring up in therapy tomorrow.

Class had been a complete waste and I felt like a failure of a teacher. All morning, I couldn’t get Edward and yesterday’s news out of my head. Come Monday, he’d be working normal hours, doing what he loved. He got full time in the Music Therapy department. No more ER, no more late nights, no more 36 hour shifts.

And although I was excited for him, his happiness brought to light my unhappiness. I liked my job, liked my house, loved Edward, but for some reason, I couldn’t find happiness. The thought plagued me throughout my class. So much so that I forgot my work bag at home and was 10 minutes late in dismissing them for lunch. Luckily, they were so engrossed in the first part of their assignment that they didn’t seem to notice.

I looked down at my notepad and went over my list so far:

1. Extreme emotions
2. Emotions can flip in a second
3. Content but not happy
4. Can never be happy for other’s
5. Jealous
6. Problems sleeping
7. Always say I’m ‘fine’ – numb to how I really feel
8. There’s always a ‘but’ (like my job, but it pays crap. Like my house, but it’s not mine. Edward said he loves me but I don’t know if I believe him)

My eyes lingered on point eight. Edward said he loves me but I don’t know if I believe him. My heart clenched in my chest at finally admitting this out loud. It was constantly on my mind and I had mentioned to Edward a couple times how I didn’t think I was good enough for him. But it seemed more real now that I had it down on my list as an area in which I need help.

I walked to the living room, slouched on the couch and decided to give Edward a call. I knew the odds of Edward being free to talk were slim, but I needed to talk to him. For some reason, I needed his reassurance that he did, in fact, love me, although I still wasn’t sure if I’d believe him or not.

“You’ve reached the voicemail of Dr. Edward Cullen. Please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I am available. If this is an emergency, please call the hospital directly.”

I debated hanging up the phone and just waiting until Edward was done his shift at 4pm to talk to him. But just the sound of his voice on his machine made me ache for him and miss him even more.

“Hey, Edward. It’s just me. I just thought I’d see if you were on a break but I guess not. I just missed you. I guess I’ll talk to you after your shift. I love you.” I hung up the phone, disappointed that I didn’t get to speak to Edward.

Even though I had my doubts that someone like Edward could love someone like me, it still made me feel wanted and special to hear him say it. And that was what was confusing about point number eight on my list. Although there was always a ‘but’, and I was always second guessing everything, I still needed and wanted it, whatever ‘it’ happened to be. I needed Edward’s love, but didn’t always believe it was possible. I needed my job, as it provided some sort of self fulfillment, but it was a lot of take home work at the end of the day that you didn’t get paid for and it was a thankless job. I loved my home, but it wasn’t mine and I was throwing away money renting instead of owning something myself.

I guess the better way to look at point eight was that I was always asking myself “is the juice worth the squeeze?” Was it worth getting pulp in the eye in order to have a glass of juice? Is what I’m doing right now going to be worth it in the end? And the hardest thing about thinking that way was that there was no way to know the answer.

I sat there thinking about everything that I had second guessed, everything that I had over-analyzed and everything that I had walked away from because I thought it wouldn’t be worth it. And the scary part was that Jacob came to mind.

I had always thought that he was worth it, that things would turn out for the best…until they didn’t. It was Jacob who made me start to second guess everything. He was the reason I started to ask myself if the juice was worth the squeeze. It wasn’t until I finally sat down and asked myself why I kept going back to him knowing that nothing would ever change, that he would never change, that I finally started to pull away. I started to think before I stepped, weighed the pro’s verses the cons and the result verses the effort.

To the younger, 15 year old me, Jacob was worth the effort, the heartache and the tears because he cared for me, in some twisted way. But to the 28 year old me, he was the pulp in the eye. He had somehow tainted my youth, and he was still doing it today.

I was in love, FINALLY in real head-over-heals love and was, apparently, lovable in return. But that was ruined by the news of his engagement. I couldn’t even share the biggest news of my life with my father because Jacob’s news was bigger and more important. Jacob was bigger and more important.

And it was in that moment that I realized that points one to eight on my list for James could be summarized by two words: Jacob Black.

I knew it wasn’t fair to blame Jake for everything. I had a brain, had made choices and decisions, but everything negative and all my problems could be traced back to how Jake made me feel about myself. I had allowed him to have power over me and he knowingly used that power every second he got.

I quickly jotted down Jacob Black under point number nine on my list and folded it up. It was a long enough list and thinking more about it would just continue to ruin my day. Instead, I went up to my room and took out my journal.

I had started to write in it again after letting it sit for years. I had only ever used it to vent about Jacob, but as of a week and a half ago, I was now using it to re-focus myself on the positive. I was making note of all the good things in my life. And as skeptical as I was that it would actually help, I had to at least give it a try. Try to change the way I viewed the world, change how I weighed situations in my life. Everyone had crappy moments, but not everyone let those moments control their day.

I sat and wrote about how Edward and I had made love, had spoken that love to each other and how, even though I sometimes doubt or question his love, how remarkable it felt to be someone’s someone.

I wrote about how Edward touched me the first time, how he created a number system to help me along, how he was patient with me and showed me how to touch as well as what it’s like to be touched. I wrote about how we made dinner together at his house, the picnic we had in my backyard where he opened up to me about Tanya, and how he came home early, woke me from my nightmare and told me he loved me. How we made love that first night, the second night and how I yearned for his touch once more.

I started to get flushed and excited thinking about how his fingers touched me, how his arms pulled my naked chest against his and how he filled me until I was complete. My breathing started to get deeper and my body started to tingle.

I put the journal on my nightstand and closed my eyes, remembering what Edward felt like, what we felt like together. Without conscious thought, my hands went up to my breasts and gently squeezed, rubbing my thumbs over my hardening nipples. I lowered myself onto my back and lowered my hands to the hem of my shirt, slowly allowing them to creep up to touch the warm flesh underneath.  My fingers danced over my stomach, gently stroking back and forth, moving lower to the waist of my pants.

With a large breath, I let my right hand sneak past the denim barrier to the heated cotton below. I rubbed my hand back and forth over my mound, gradually slipping my finger under the seam of my panties. My flesh was warm and damp but my fingers were too soft, too small and didn’t have the right texture.

I stopped the movement of my hand and removed it from beneath my clothing. It’s not the same. My fingers were nothing like Edward’s talented fingers. There was no excitement, no warmth. I missed the smell of Edward that surrounded me when he was near, the feel of his lips against my skin, the gentleness and care in his touch.

I was never one to pleasure myself often, but now that I knew what it was like to have someone else pleasure me I didn’t think that I could ever go back to that minimal amount of self-enjoyment. With a resigned sign, I opened my eyes and lifted myself up onto my elbow.

“Hi.”

A small scream left my mouth as my eyes immediately darted to the source of the greeting. There, with a playful smirk and lust-filled eyes was Edward, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed over this chest.

“What….how…have…how long have you been standing there?” The words jumbled out of my mouth as my face flamed red at being caught fondling myself.

“Long enough to wish I left work 10 minutes earlier.” With a cheeky grin, Edward stalked towards my bed, knelt on the edge and crawled across the mattress to me.

Before I knew what he was doing, Edward’s lips were on mine, his hands were wrapped around me and he was lowering me back onto the bed, placing himself on top of me. I could immediately feel his arousal pressing into me as he deepened the kiss and ground his hips into me. The feel of Edward’s weight on top of me brought forth the arousal I was searching for not two minutes ago.

“Why did you stop touching yourself?” Edward asked as he peppered kisses across my chin and down my neck. His hand lifted off the bed and encompassed my breast, teasing it lightly.

I reached down and cupped Edward’s face, pulling it up so that we could look each other in the eyes. The passion that I felt for him was echoed in his eyes.

“Because it didn’t feel right. It wasn’t you.”

Edward swiped his thumb over my bottom lip as his eyes moved back and forth between mine. He slowly leaned down and pressed his mouth once again against mine as he rolled over onto his side, pulling me with him. We held onto each other tightly as our legs entwined and our tongues met. Edward’s hand slid down my side to the hem of my shirt and started to venture under the waist of my pants.

“Edward…” I panted as I removed my lips from his. “You don’t have to.” But before I could finish my thought, Edward’s hand was beneath my panties and ghosting over my wet flesh.

A shock twitched through my body as his fingers slowly moved back and forth over my lips, gently pressing through my folds to find my aching centre.

“I want to,” Edward said, as he circled my entrance with his single digit. We gazed at each other as his strong finger slid inside me.

I instantly captured Edward’s lips with mine and clung to him tightly as I shivered in his arms. Edward’s finger was slow and deep. My hips rocked against his hand until a jolt shot through me so strong that it took my breath away, only allowing me enough air to let out a pleading whine. My body was tingling as Edward touched that spot deep within me again. 

“There?” he asked, as his fingertip massaged the magic spot inside me. All I was able to do is nod as I automatically rolled onto my back and widened my legs for him.

Immediately, Edward situated himself to sit on his heals and pulled down my pants. I immediately felt empty and abandoned until his finger slid right back into my warmth and he laid down beside me once more.

My breath was ragged as Edward slid one more finger into me, joining its mate in massaging my new favourite place. Within seconds, I was panting, rocking my hips and clinging to Edward as our foreheads pressed together and my orgasm came. I clenched around his fingers, squeezing them tight as my hands fisted in Edward’s shirt and my entire body shook.

“I love you so much,” Edward whispered as he slowly removed his fingers from within me. “That has to be the sexiest thing I’ve seen in my entire life.”

A lazy laugh left my lips as I curled deeper into Edward’s chest and began to drift in his arms. “I love you, too.”

~oooOOOooo~

Two hours, a nap and a shower later, Edward and I were sitting on the couch eating pizza, chicken wings and drinking beer. Well, Edward was having the beer while I just had water.

“Come on, Bella. Just try it. You can’t have a pizza and wing night without at least trying some beer.”

With doubt in my mind, and the memory of the last beer I tried on my tongue, I grabbed his bottle and pulled a sip from its neck.

“Well…” he asked as he took the bottle back and took a quick drink.

“Yup, still tastes disgusting.”

We had decided that a night of celebration was in order since we had yet to celebrate Edward’s new job. And to my surprise, Edward asked for a guys night with his girl; pizza, chicken wings, beer and an action movie.

We had joked all night as Edward tried to explain the finer details in the differences in beers. We had “Die Hard” playing in the background as we played Texas Holdem’ on the couch. It was a lighthearted evening, just what we both needed.

But we both knew, come tomorrow, the lightheartedness would definitely be gone. I just hope Dr. James Wylder knows what he’s doing.

CH 27 Teaser

Hello lovelies, 

As promised (sorta), here's a snippet from CH 27. I'm just finishing up the chapter at this exact moment and am going to be sending it off to the beta's for some fixing so I'm not sure when it'll be 100% done. However, hopefully this will tide everyone over until I can post the chapter.

~~~

Before I knew what he was doing, Edward’s lips were on mine, his hands were wrapped around me and he was lowering me back onto the bed, placing himself on top of me. I could immediately feel his arousal pressing into me as he deepened the kiss and ground his hips into me. The feel of Edward’s weight on top of me brought forth the arousal I was searching for not two minutes ago.

“Why did you stop touching yourself?” Edward asked as he peppered kisses across my chin and down my neck. His hand lifted off the bed and encompassed my breast, teasing it lightly.

I reached down and cupped Edward’s face, pulling it up so that we could look each other in the eyes. The passion that I felt for him was echoed in his eyes.

“Because it didn’t feel right. It wasn’t you.”