Saturday, July 10th
Waking up was never something I enjoyed doing; I was not what you would call a ‘morning person’. Yet, it was a compulsory act that no one could run away from, like getting wrinkles or finding your first gray hair. You knew it was coming, but you still dreaded it all the same.
This morning, however, was worse than ever before. Today was Alice’s wedding, and I had ruined her party last night, literally asking her to ‘just go’. I could feel that my eyes were all crusty from the tears I had shed, my waist was sore from sleeping in my skinny jeans and my arm was tingling from the warmth. Wait…where is the warmth coming from?
I slowly rolled into the heat that was radiating in my arm, yearning for the warmth to spread throughout my entire body and eradicate the filth that was currently residing in my soul. Once I was situated on my right side, the warmth got closer. With my eyes still closed, I completely buried myself in the heat and just wanted to disappear. And if it hadn’t been for the little giggle that I heard or the feeling of something rubbing up and down my left arm, sleep would have taken me over once again.
I slowly opened my eyes to uncover the source of the mysterious warmth and the tiny giggles to find Alice curled up beside me in bed, rubbing my arm up and down with her little hand. “You ok?” she quietly asked with a child like sincerity that caused a tear to fall down my cheek.
“I ruined your party last night.” I whispered back to her in a weak and pathetic voice as she wiped the single tear that fell from my eye.
“You did no such thing. If anything, it was Rose and her insistence at playing that stupid game.” My body twitched at the mention of ‘never have I ever’. I couldn’t believe how I had acted. I turned my face deeper into my pillow, wishing it would swallow me whole.
“Rose feels really bad by the way,” Alice continued. I was only able to grunt in response. No matter what Rose did, it wasn’t her fault.
“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it” I mumbled into my pillow. I felt the corner of it being pulled down as Alice tried to free my voice. “You want to try that one more time?” she asked with a bit of laughter in her voice.
“Charles Swindoll,” I explained as I turned my head away from the pillow to face her, “he said that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. I knew that Rose was drunk and that she didn’t know what she was saying. I should have handled it differently.” I turned around to fully face Alice and my guilt head on.
“I’m sorry,” I whimpered, “I’m so sorry I ruined the night before your wedding, and apparently this morning too.”
Alice rolled closer to my fetal position and threw her tiny arms around me in a comforting hug. “There’s nothing to be sorry about. If anything, I’m more annoyed at the Buttershots. Those damn things are deceivingly strong.”
We both laughed lightly at that as she pulled back and I wiped the final tears from my eyes. “Ready to get up and watch me get married?” she asked in a small but excited voice.
Alice jumped off the bed and held her hands out for me. I took them both as she pulled me off the bed and pushed me towards the bedroom door. An amazing aroma hit my senses as soon as my door opened and I had no choice but to follow it.
As I walked down the stairs and turned at the landing, I found Rose in the kitchen, her hair in a high messy bun on the top of her head, wearing white pajama shorts and a yellow tank top. She was standing in front of the kitchen table, setting it with mugs, plates, utensils, syrup, butter, whipped cream and fruit. Where the hell did all those condiments come from? I looked around the kitchen and noticed that Rose had been busy making coffee and waffles.
“She went out this morning while we were both asleep and got coffee and ingredients to make the waffles, including real whipped cream and some fresh strawberries and blueberries from the market.” Alice told me with a smile. Apparently, Rosalie felt as bad as I did.
Rose turned around at the sound of Alice’s voice and immediately lowered her head when she saw me coming into the kitchen. “Bella….I’m so…” she stopped and looked at me with tears in her eyes, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know and it just took me by surprise. I shouldn’t have made you play. God, Bella…” she was tearing up again. Our eyes met and I just shook my head at her. “I’m sorry I yelled at you,” I told her as I made my way over to her and embraced her in a tight Alice-like hug , “let’s just forget about it and focus on today.”
Rose and I pull back to see Alice jumping up and down. I could see her excitement was bubbling underneath and about ready to explode. “Alice…” I hedged.
“I’M GETTING MARRIED TODAY!!!” she yelled as she threw herself at Rose and I for a big group hug. We all laughed at how easily Alice let things go and focused the rest of the morning on eating what Rose had made for us.
The three of us had planned on spending the night at my house so that the bride and groom wouldn’t see each other until the actual ceremony. And as exciting as that sounded, it was complete chaos in the morning. We didn’t need to be at the hall until 2:00, but we still had to get everything ready before that time. I looked at the clock on my stove as I loaded the dishwasher and noticed that it was already 9:30. We all needed to shower and do our nails before going to the salon to get our hair and make-up done at 11:30. After that, Rose and Alice were planning on heading straight to the station where Leah reserved a “Bridal Suite” for the ladies to get ready in and a “Bride’s Groom Suite” for the men, while I would head back to my house to get changed and bring our bags and the rest of the wedding trinkets to the hall in my truck.
After all my preparations were done, and I looked somewhat presentable with my curly hair pinned half up, and my truck was loaded, I headed to Union Station so that I could finalize all the small details in the hall. I needed to go around and make sure that the hall was perfect, light the candles in the centerpieces and put out the table chart as well as the guest book for everyone to sign. There were pictures that Alice wanted displayed on a table by the wall in the actual reception area as well as quirky little things at each dinner table, like little facts about the bride and groom, a song request form for the DJ and some party favors, which included disposable cameras for everyone. Not to mention I also had to bring in the bouquets and the boutonniere for Jasper.
But the most important thing, according to Alice, was that I made sure all the candy that we bought was taken there and placed in the bowls at the candy buffet for when the dancing started. I had pounds upon pounds of Gummy Worms, Fuzzy Peaches, Sour Keys, licorice, Swedish Berries, Big Feet and of course, Hot Lips loaded in bags in the back of my truck. All the candy would end up on the table where the pictures of Alice and Jasper would be.
I called Emmett when I was just turning into the parking lot and he made his way directly towards my truck to help me unload.
“Well, hello gorgeous!!” he whistled as he strutted up to my truck and gave me a big hug.
“You better not say that too loud or Rose might break off the engagement,” I said with a laugh in my voice and a blush on my cheeks.
“You look really nice, Bella. You clean up well. And let’s be honest, Rose can’t live without me.” There was a huge smile on his face as he helped me unload everything. In only two trips, we had everything out of the truck and in the hall. I quickly made my way to the back kitchen where Leah was finalizing all the details on her end and gave her the 7 bags of candy I had, as well as explicit instructions to keep Emmett away. She laughed and pointed me to where Alice and Jasper’s suites were.
I knocked on the first door and waited while I heard feet stumbling and a few choice curse words. Finally the door opened.
“You alright in there, Jasper?” I asked as he fidgeted with his tie.
“Yea, I just wish that Emmett would keep his shit in one corner. That man left his running shoes and socks all over the floor.”
I just laughed and shook my head at the thought of Emmett’s mess as Jasper continued to try and fix his tie. “You want help with that?” I offered as I took the dark purple tie from his hands and gave him his boutonniere.
“Thanks” he breathed in relief as he led me into the ‘guys’ suite. He was right, there were socks, shoes and other pieces of clothing Emmett had been wearing during the day spread all over the room. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t starting to smell like a gym.
I turned Jasper to face the mirror and tied his tie in a large full Windsor knot before turning him around and pining on the boutonniere.
“Thanks Bella,” he said as he appraised his look in the mirror. I saw him catch my eye as I gathered mine and Alice’s bouquets and got ready to head over to the Bridal Suite. “Um, Bella?” Jasper hedged just as I reached the door, “How are you doing?”
I understood that he wasn’t just asking for the hell of it. Alice had probably spoken to him last night or this morning and explained the travesty that was ‘never have I ever’.
“I’m ok, Jazz. As long as I keep busy, I’m ok.” I gave him a weak smile before telling him, “see you out there,” and headed out the door.
I made my way a couple of doors down and knocked on a large cherry wood door. Rose opened it wearing a gorgeous royal blue, one shoulder dress that hugged every curve as if it was made for her. Her hair was pulled up in a high ponytail, her long, golden mane fell in loose curls that stopped just at the bottom of her shoulders.
“Holy shit, Rose. You look amazing,” I shyly said as she held the door open for me.
“Wait till you see the bride.”
I turned the corner of the suite and immediately started to tear up. Alice looked breathtaking. She was standing in front of her mirror in her dress, putting on her necklace and little diamond stud earrings. Her hair was completely straight, the littlest hint of a flip at the bottom, and her bangs were completely swept to the side. She had on minimal make-up, but she still managed to look exquisite and bright.
“NO NO NO NO,” she screamed as she caught my tearing eyes in the mirror, “if you start crying, then I’ll start crying, then I’ll be a mess and Jasper won’t want to marry me.” By the end of her tirade, Alice did, in fact, have a few tears in her eyes.
“I’m sorry, Alice. You just look so beautiful.” I gently wiped my single tear away and walked over to Alice to give her a hug. She pulled back, wiped under her eyes and took the bouquet from me to put on the table in front of her.
“So are we ready?” she said excitedly as she turned back to the mirror and added another layer of clear gloss to her already glossy lips. I put my little black purse on the table in the corner and pulled out my cell phone.
“Alice,” I laughed, putting my phone back in my purse, making sure it was on silent, “its only 2:23. People aren’t supposed to start coming for another half an hour at the earliest.” I put my dress shoes beside my purse, opting to continue wearing my black flip flops to finish setting up, and went back to the door. “There are still a couple of things I need to do, but we’ll start as soon as possible. I promise.”
She smiled at me as Rose went over to the mirror and grabbed the straightening iron, taking a piece of her bangs that were clearly bothering her and trying to smooth it down.
“Watch her for me will you?” I asked Rose, “I’ll be back in 15 minutes tops.”
I made my way out the door and stopped at the front of the Great Hall first. It was set up so that, as soon as you entered the building, there would be ushers to guide you through the pillars into the Great Hall. Starting at the entrance of the hall were the chairs for the ceremony. There was a white carpet laid out down the aisle and bundles of calla lilies and roses at the end of each row of chairs. At the very front, Alice had insisted on a platform type stage, covered, of course, in white carpet and flowers, so that even those in the back could see. The aisle faced the huge window and clock but had a back drop of a large white curtain, separating the ceremony from the reception area. At the very back of the aisle, there was a table set out for gifts and cards, where I had also placed the guest sign in book and a couple pictures of Alice and Jasper.
I walked down the aisle, making sure that there would be enough room for everyone. Alice and Jasper were actually having a very large wedding, with close to 300 guests. Jasper’s family was huge and it was a ‘Southern thing’, as he explained it, to invite everyone in your family, even if you haven’t seen them in 15 years. Alice, of course, wasn’t so innocent herself. Although it was just her and Emmett and maybe 4 cousins on each side of their family, she had invited people from high school, College, work and some of the store owners who were starting to pick up her line. If I had to guess, I would have said that the bride’s side and the groom’s side were looking pretty even.
I did one last glance at the ceremony location and walked behind the white curtains to enter the reception area. The sheer size of the room was mind boggling. You never would have thought that you could fit thirty round tables, a 30’x30’ dance floor, and a 12 foot head table in this space, but it was possible and there was still room to spare. I did a quick walk through, making sure that Emmett and the ushers had put everything on the tables. I lit all the centerpieces and placed more pictures on the side table, next to the dance floor, where the candy buffet would also be.
I did a final walk past the head table, checking out the white, nearly see through backdrop. There were four white pillars and the material hung straight down between each one with soft twinkle lights scattered throughout it. On the top of the pillars, connecting the material to the posts, were small bouquets of purple and white calla lilies and white roses. I walked behind the backdrop, where the wait staff would be entering the hall, and turned on the twinkle lights. I walked back around to get the complete look. You could still see the large window above, the candles flickering on each table and the twinkle lights through the material. Everything together created a very romantic, elegant and serene environment.
As I went back around to turn the lights back off, I started to hear the sound of the first guests beginning to arrive. I quickly made my way out, showing them the guest book for them to sign and indicating that they were welcome to take a seat on either the bride or grooms side. I booked it to Jasper’s door, my flip flops flapping the entire way, and got Emmett and the ushers out and ready as more guests were coming.
As I walked back to Alice’s room, I did a side detour to the kitchen to do one final check with Leah and to tell her that people were starting to arrive. Leaving the kitchen, I realized that it was already 2:47 and the wedding was ‘supposed’ to start in just over 10 minutes. Awkwardly running back to the ‘Bridal Suite’, I opened the door and had to immediately stop and laugh at the sight in front of me. There sitting on the couch was Alice, in all her wedding dress glory, a large bib around her neck, eating Doritos and drinking a beer through a straw.
She looked up as soon as I entered and smiled at me. “Are we good?” she asked, her knees bouncing, as the rest of her could not. “We’re good,” I told her as I changed out of my flip flops and into the shoes I would never forgive Alice for making me wear.
“The guests have already started to arrive, Emmett and the ushers are out there, the hall is gorgeous and Leah has been updated.”
“Super Bella, to the rescue again.” She smiled as she reached the bottom of her beer and the straw made that empty, hollow sound. Alice turned to Rose, who was also drinking, normally pulling from the neck of the bottle, and held out the empty bottle for her to take as a very un-lady like burp escaped her mouth. Rose and I both laughed as Alice removed her cheese stained bib and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her cheesy fingers.
“Alice, I haven’t seen your parents yet,” I called to her as I sent Rose out to check on the boys, also to make sure Jasper was ready and his parents were here.
“Yea, they came in about 20 minutes ago, you just missed them. My dad cried.” I could have been mistaken as the sound of the running water did muffle her voice a bit, but I could have sworn that I heard Alice giggle at this.
“They’re with Jasper’s parents out front greeting people as far as I know,” she continued as she rinsed her mouth and exited the bathroom.
“All right then, missy, shall we see how things are progressing and get you married?” She just smiled and nodded about a dozen times as I left the room to check on everything one last time.
Surprisingly the seats were almost full. Many of the guests were already here chatting with each other and hugging long lost friends and relatives.
I turned around to find Leah walking out of the reception area, carrying two boxes of Kleenex’s to place them on the table with the guest book.
“It looks like everyone’s almost here. I’m going to send Jasper and Emmett out to socialize and then I’ll come get you girls when we’re ready. Both sets of parents are outside, already into the beer, celebrating.” Both Leah and I had to laugh at that. Like father like daughter.
Alice was pacing the room as I entered and immediately came up to me. “Is it time?”
“Just a couple more minutes, Ali. Almost everyone is here and apparently your parents as well as Jasper’s are already celebrating out front.”
“Of course they are. Who do you think I got the beer from?”
At 3:12, there was a knock on the door and Leah popped her head in.
Alice and I shared a look and both immediately started tearing up. She was so excited to start this new life with Jasper, and as little as it would change from the life they lived now, it was still her dream to be Mrs. Whitlock and get to say that she was Jasper’s wife. I, on the other hand, had been fighting tooth and nail to keep my heartache at bay.
I longed to be the one walking down the aisle toward the man who chose me, over every other woman in the world, to love, spend his life and start a family with. I wanted to be the one standing there in the white dress with tears of pure joy and excitement in my eyes.
I was jealous, plain and simple. I was jealous and sad and lonely and the worst friend in the world. YUP!! Even my subconscious was disgusted at my current state. I should be ecstatic for Alice and Jasper, but instead, there I was, bitter and selfish, only thinking about myself.
“You coming?” Alice’s voice broke me out of my stupor and brought me back to the reality that today was not about me. Today was about Alice.
“Yea, I just wanted to make sure that I didn’t forget anything,” I lied as I grabbed my bouquet and gave Alice a couple of Kleenex’s to shove in the top of her dress. She just laughed at me as I held them out for her, but obliged and held my hand as we made our way out.
We slowly walked down the hall and around the corner towards the ceremony, but kept back so that none of the guests, and especially Jasper would see the bride. Both sets of parents as well as Emmett were waiting for us and smiled as soon as Alice came into view.
“Holy cleavage, Alice,” Emmett announced as he came up to give his twin sister a hug. “You look beautiful,” he whispered into her ear then gave her a kiss on the cheek.
Both sets of parents came to give Alice hugs and kisses, reiterating how stunning she looked. Alice was already pulling Kleenex out of her dress to hand to the mothers and to wipe her own tears. They all laughed as Emmett groaned, “I didn’t need to see that,” before letting it slip how nervous Jasper was. Apparently, he had taken part in the pre-wedding celebrating as well by downing 2 beers.
Before we knew it, the music had started and Mr. and Mrs. Whitlock were making their way down the aisle, holding hands and taking their seats in the front row on the right side. Next, Emmett escorted his mother down the aisle, dropping her off in the front row on the left side, before stepping up beside Jasper, giving him a man hug and whispering something in his ear. The smile that lit up Jasper’s face was exquisite.
Shit! I guess I’m next. With a large breath, I gripped my bouquet of loosely tied together purple calla lilies and slowly started making my way down the aisle. This is the only time you’re ever going to do it, might as well enjoy it while you can. I tried to plaster a smile on my face as my eyes started to tear up and the lump in my throat grew to an enormous size. My gaze stayed focused on a piece of backdrop, not wandering at all. I, of course, should have known better and should have been looking where I was going, because somehow, I managed to trip over nothing and stumble for a second. Thankfully, it wasn’t disastrous and I didn’t actually fall, just kinda swayed forward, but I was able to quickly regain my steps and make it the rest of the way to the front of the aisle.
Everyone stood. The music changed. The tears came. Alice started walking down the aisle with her father on her right side, holding her beautiful bouquet of white and purple calla lilies and full, white roses. She floated over the ground, her eyes locked completely on Jasper. I, on the other hand, was completely fascinated by my toe nails. You’re such an ass. You can’t even look up as your best friend is getting married. And the truth was, I couldn’t. If I looked up at this amazing celebration, at all the love and happiness, all the couples sharing knowing looks and holding hands, I would have lost it. So like the worst friend alive, I studied my toes until Alice and her father were at the front of the aisle. With a large breath, I finally raised my eyes.
“Who gives this woman to be married to this man?”
“We do.” I looked up to see both Mr. and Mrs. Brandon standing beside Alice. Mr. Brandon took his daughter into his arms, hugged her, kissed her and then turned to Jasper, hugging him and placing Alice’s hand in his.
Alice and Jasper had a very quick, non-religious service, saying simple vows they created together and sealing it all with a tender kiss. Cheers erupted as the opening beat to Katrina & The Waves’ “Walking On Sunshine” started playing through the hall. Then, Alice and Jasper kissed and were introduced for the first time as husband and wife. I handed Alice back her bouquet which she had handed to me when she got to the front of the alter, and the happy couple danced back down the aisle.
I quickly wiped a tear away as Emmett came up to me, poking out his elbow for me to take, we followed them down the aisle, Emmett dancing like a freaking idiot, while I tried not to trip.
The parents and wedding party immediately went behind the divider into the reception area while the rest of the guests went into the lobby to enjoy appetizers, drinks and some more, cheesy 80’s music.
At that time, I quickly made my way out to grab the photographer while the two families spent some time together congratulating each other and welcoming everyone to the family. I found Embry outside in the lobby, taking pictures of the guests dancing around.
“Hey Embry,” I called as I walked up to him.
“Hey Bella. We ready for some pictures?”
I smiled at him and led him into the reception area where Alice and Jasper were to get some of their wedding pictures taken, along with family and wedding party pictures. Embry was a load of fun, making us do stupid things together, like having Alice and I start undressing Jasper, or having Alice thrown over Jaspers shoulder as he walked away. Although the location was indoors, it was still bright and beautiful and he got some great shots. Embry quickly took us outside to the limited number of trees and bushes around the building and snapped a couple of quick nature pictures before we all went back inside, finding that the ceremony chairs, stage and divider had been removed and all the guests were in the reception hall, dancing to the music and finding their seats.
The reception went off without a hitch. Emmett had insisted that the wedding party introduction and entrance be to MC Hammer’s “Can’t touch this”, he, of course, entered the hall doing the running man while I just walked behind him, shaking my head and laughing at him. Alice and Jasper entered the hall to David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance”, as we all stood and cheered at the newly married couple.
Dinner was served, the toasts were made, me fumbling over my words as if English was a foreign language to me, and the party had officially begun. However, I still found myself sitting alone at the head table watching couples huddled together celebrating. An errant tear slid down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away and tried to pass off the tear as happiness for Alice and Jasper while they danced their first dance as husband and wife to “Lullaby” by the Dixie Chicks.
As soon as their dance was over, the dance floor was opened up and almost everyone moved onto it, holding their significant others close and stealing intimate glances at one another while I sat by myself, staring off into nothing, kicking off the ankle-breaking shoes and picking at the piece of chocolate raspberry wedding cake in front of me. Although it looked delicious, and was loaded with fresh raspberries, I couldn’t find it in myself to actually eat it. The laughter, the romantic music and all the joy around me was starting to turn my stomach and the tears that I had been trying to keep at bay were threatening to explode if I didn’t get a brief reprieve from it all.
I took my iPhone out of my purse for something to do. I wasn’t at all surprised to find that I had no missed calls, no text messages and no emails. Everyone I knew except for my parents were in this room, ignoring me and having a ball. On a good week, I maybe got one to two phone calls, except for lately, when Alice called me every day about wedding details. But now that the wedding was over, it was sure to go back to the customary call from my father every Sunday night, and that was about all. I was staring at my cell phone, wondering why I even had a cell phone in the first place since no one ever called me, when I heard a chair scraping at the table beside me. I locked my iPhone, put it back in my purse, and slowly stood, needing to get away from the reception for a while.
As I braced myself on the table to stand, I noticed a pair of hands folded on the table to my right. I slowly followed the hands up to a bright blue dress shirt, strong arms, broad chest and shoulders, a perfectly defined jaw, luscious, soft lips and finally landed on the pair of the greenest eyes I had ever seen. It was as if his eyes were lit from behind and as they flickered, the color seemed to be actually moving, like beautiful pools of emerald.
Our eyes are locked and for some strange reason, the music disappeared in the background, all the happy and embracing couples seemed to blur into the fuzzy edges of my periphery and all I could see was this man sitting beside me. I, very ungracefully, fell back into my chair as my legs gave out from the intensity of his gaze.
“Hi”, he said as he let out a breath, his eyes permanently locked on mine. The sound of his voice sent a shiver down my spine. It was so soft, yet strong and masculine at the same time. It was a voice that could sell sand to the desert. It was silky and smooth but deep with emotion and honesty. I had never heard a more beautiful sound in my life.
“Hi” I whispered back, and I hated myself for doing it, but I automatically averted my eyes from his and for some reason found the plain white table cloth interesting enough to hold my attention.
“I’m Edward”. My head snapped up to find him still staring at me with that same intensity that should have scared me.
“Bella”, I whispered as he gently lifted his right hand to shake mine. As our hands touched, all I could think about was how warm and soothing this stranger’s hands felt to me. I was actually reluctant to let go, until I felt heat rush to my face and knew that I was blushing.
I slowly pulled my hand back and placed it in my lap. Edward refolded his hands in front of him on the table and continued to look at me. His eyes, however, had moved from mine and were now examining the details of the rest of my face.
“Why do you look so sad?” he asked once his eyes landed back on mine.
“I don’t really do weddings” I said under my breath, as I averted my eyes to the dance floor and focused on a random piece of marble tile, hoping that my voice was too soft for him to hear and that he would just let me get on with the lonely, barefooted walk I was about to take.
I was mortified and just wanted to get away. Does this man really expect me to open up and tell him my pathetic life story, to explain why I hate these huge showcases of love and devotion that tended to rub happiness in the face of the lonely?
“Um…never mind. If you’ll excuse me, I was actually just going to step out for a walk.”
I slowly stood up, pushed my chair back and placed the napkin which sat on my lap upon the table. Edward stood up beside me, and extended his bent left arm towards me.
“Mind if I join you?” I looked up at him and honestly wondered what this gorgeous man wanted with me.
The high-pitched giggle came floating towards me from the dance floor and my head automatically focused on Alice being twirled around and around by Jasper, while Emmett’s booming laugh accompanied “Footloose”, which I realized was blaring through the speakers around the hall. I was immediately thrust back into reality, to loving touches, smiling faces and a twirling wedding dress, and realized that I needed to get out of there, whether accompanied by Edward or not.
My anxiety was quickly rising and I moved around the table, sliding my right arm through Edward’s extended left arm and gave him a small, forced smile as I began to walk with purpose out of the hall.
“No shoes?” he asked as we walked past the final crowd and out into the open hallway of the station. I looked down at my feet and realized that I hadn’t even put my shoes back on. Laughing at my own stupidity, I looked up at Edward and smiled, “I had to take them off before I fell over and killed myself.” He laughed lightly beside me as we kept walking.
“So,” Edward began, “tell me about yourself Bella, no last name.”
“There’s not much to tell,” I hedged with all honesty as I lowered my head and removed my hand from Edward’s arm, “and it’s Swan. My last name is Swan.”
“Ok, Bella, last name Swan. How do you know the bride and groom?”
“I went to College with Alice and Jasper, and Alice and I teach together.”
I took a breath and realized that I didn’t really know if I was okay with telling this stranger about myself, but figured if he was at the wedding, he must be a friend or cousin of Jasper’s.
“Alice and I both teach at the Seattle Academy of Arts and Science. I teach English and Alice teaches fashion and design.”
There was a silence that paused our conversation as we continued to walk the lonely halls of Union Station, the loud music echoing off the marble walls behind us.
“What about you?” I timidly asked, “Edward, no last name.”
“I work with Jasper at the hospital in the therapy and rehabilitation department. I work as a musical therapist. And it’s Cullen.”
I looked at him for the first time since we left the hall and found him looking back at me with an eager and excited look on his face. My eyebrows scrunched together in confusion at the mention of his occupation.
“So, you play music to the patients and see how they react to something like grunge verses opera?” God, I’m an idiot!!!
“No,” he gently laughed at me as he reached over and moved a piece of hair that was lying across my forehead, “I work with children who are in recovery and use music to help them through the process, either physically, mentally or emotionally. I help with their physical rehabilitation by teaching them to play different instruments to get movement and circulation back if necessary and use different types of music to change their mood or sooth their pain if the case arises. It’s more about using music to heal verses using drugs. A lot of patients are depressed about their medical condition and music helps them forget that they’re in a hospital for a while.”
I just stared at him in awe. Holy shit, and all I do is get kids to read and use proper grammar. We kept walking around the hall, talking about who we were, where we came from and the basic slew of ‘get to know you’ questions. Truthfully, Edward asked the questions and I answered with as little words as possible.
We started heading back toward the hall, when I heard the opening to “Falling Slowly” by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova float softly through the speakers. I let out a soft sigh and smiled, as it was of one of my favorite songs.
“What’s that smile about?” Edwards asked as we rounded the corner, back into the main hallway.
“Well then we have to dance” he stated. I looked down at the ground and shook my head.
“I can’t even walk in a straight line in bare feet without tumbling over myself, let alone dance.”
Edward stopped walking and tenderly pulled my chin up to look at him as the opening lyrics floated through the Great Hall into the hallway where we stood.
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
The opening lyrics to the song rang truer than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Edward’s eyes looked longingly into mine, his fingers gently holding my chin up.
“I won’t let you hurt yourself. I’ll hold you, I promise.” I just stood there looking at this beautiful man as the music surrounded me. He extended his hand to me, “Bella, will you please dance with me?”
All I could do was nod as I hesitantly placed my hand in his. He pulled me close right there in the hallway, not even bothering to walk back into the reception area and rested his other hand on my lower back while keeping hold of my left hand.
The warmth and safety I felt in his arms was shocking with its intensity. Immediately, his arms felt like home and the feeling scared me more than anything I had ever felt before. You’re not falling for him, you’re not falling for him, you CAN’T fall for him…you don’t know him and he’s too good for you. We started to sway back and forth but said nothing to each other as the music surrounded us, as if we were in a bubble and the words were solely for Edward and I.
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now
He pulled our joined hands up to rest between his chest and my left shoulder as he pulled me closer and started to rub my back with his thumb. I immediately stiffened and lowered my head to look at the floor. He lowered his head beside mine.
“Is this ok?” he whispered into my hair at the side of my neck, and I just nodded. He pulled me closer still and lowered his head even more so that we were both looking down with our heads almost at an equal level. I could only image what we looked like to any passer-by. This was probably the most intimate way anyone had held me in…ever. We swayed back and forth, holding each other, both looking at the floor.
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
At these lyrics, Edward gently leaned his head against mine so that almost every part of him was now touching me, and tears immediately sprang to my eyes. I have suffered enough. I don’t know how much more I’ll be able to take. I could feel his softly stubbled cheek pressed lightly against mine, his warm, gentle breath caressing my right shoulder and the smell of his body, his breath, his hair engulfed my senses. I could feel the heat radiating off his body as it pressed into mine, and the tender circles both his thumbs made, one on my back and the other across the length of my thumb on the hand he was holding.
It’s too much, too much tenderness and care, too much closeness and warmth. Too much hope. I closed my eyes as a shiver raced through my entire body, causing goose bumps to cover every inch of my skin as treacherous tears continued to build behind my lids. I can’t fall for this guy. I don’t even know him. I’ll never see him again, and if I do, he’ll just end up breaking my heart. I’m not good enough or lucky enough to actually get noticed by someone like this.
“Are you cold?” Edward whispered in my ear. Apparently he had noticed my shiver and the shaky breaths I was taking. I just shook my head ‘no’ but he just held me closer and tighter. The reality of why I was shaking hit me hard as a tiny tear squeaked out of my left eye. What am I doing? This is nothing more than a dance. He probably has a girlfriend somewhere waiting for him. I am such a fucking idiot. What did I think that I would meet an amazing, single, beautiful man at Alice’s wedding and I would get this magical happy ending? Yea right! Who the hell am I kidding? You don’t get to be happy, Bella. Remember? You just survive, and barely at that. You’re the extra in the movie, the filler that no one cares about and no one pays attention to. You’re raw and damaged and hopeless, and he’ll run and never look back. I quickly blinked back the army of tears that were begging to be released just as the song ended.
Edward slowly pulled back but didn’t let go of my left hand, tenderly cradling it in his. I could feel his eyes on me but I couldn’t look up, I couldn’t look into those amazingly green eyes and know that my pretend ‘happy moment’ was almost over.
“Bella?” he quietly asked as “Girls just want to have fun” started blaring though the speakers. Stupid Alice and her stupid love of 80’s music. I felt soft fingers squeeze around my left hand bringing my mind back. I shook my head to make sure no tears were going to slip out and looked up at Edward. He was looking at me with an expression I had never seen before, at least one never directed at me. He looked pleading and almost desperate.
“Do you want to get out of here?”
I immediately shook my head and whispered a weak “no”.
“Bella, I’m not trying to be presumptuous, I just want to talk to you, get to know you better, and to be honest, a man can only take so much Cindy Lauper and Michael Jackson.”
I looked up at him with a slight smirk on my face. “Please, Bella?” he asked, “I just want to keep talking to you. We can go to my place and just sit and have a coffee or something.” Sirens immediately went off in my head, DO NOT GO TO STRANGE MAN’S HOUSE. Clearly Charlie trained my brain well.
“What about somewhere else, what about your place? You can get out of your dress and into some sweats, let your hair down and we can just talk.” Why the hell does he want to talk? We just walked for 25 minutes around the station talking and he still wants to talk? How much did Jasper pay this guy to show me some attention?
That was when it hit me, the reason for all the attention Edward was giving me. He worked with Jasper, and Jasper probably asked him to distract me from all the love and romance of the wedding. FUCK! I knew Jasper was concerned about me being at their wedding, that it would be too much happiness and couples and love, but this is actually breaking my heart, knowing that Edward was only doing this because Jasper asked him to. Just more proof that I’m not good enough to deserve any real happiness.
Tears rushed to my eyes again at the thought of Jasper’s involvement in the whole ‘Edward Escapade’. I guess I really am that pathetic and broken. So much for friends supposedly looking out for one another. I guess my friends were less understanding than I thought.
“Bella…please?” I looked into Edward’s eyes and saw a yearning in them.
“Why?” was the only thing I could think of saying as I continued to stare at Edward through blurry eyes. Edward pulled my hand towards him, asking me to come closer. As I took a step forward, he reached up and gently tucked a fallen piece of hair behind my ear before wiping away a stray tear which I hadn’t even realized had fallen. He looked at me purposefully, making sure that I was looking at him and truly hearing what he was about to say.
“Because I don’t want to say goodbye to you.” His words shocked the hell out of me and I was either going to cry and run away, or throw up right there. I immediately lowered my head, squeezing my eyes shut tight and swallowing the lump that was taking up my entire esophagus. I knew that my breath was coming out shaky and that I looked like a complete idiot and a psycho, but I couldn’t help it. This can’t be real. He doesn’t actually mean that. No one would ever truly say that to someone else, especially not to me.
I felt his fingers under my chin pulling my face back up to look at him. “Please?” was all he said once I met his eyes again. I nodded. WHAT?!?!?! Why the hell am I nodding????? A sigh of relief escaped Edward as a genuine smile graced his beautiful lips.
“Thank you” he said sincerely. “Let me just get my jacket and say a few ‘goodbye’s’ and I’ll meet you back here. I’ll follow behind you in my car so that you can kick me out at any time.” He finished with a smirk on his face and I knew it was something really odd to say, but Edward saying I could kick him out at any time was somehow reassuring.
“Ok”, I replied softly, “I’ll just go say bye to Alice”. Edward still hadn’t relinquished my left hand and didn’t let go until we entered the hall and split up.
As I made my way through the crowded dance floor, filled with happy faces and innocent kisses, the tears came back. You’ll have no one to blame but yourself when this is done! The tears finally leaked out as I lowered my head and made my way through the throngs of couples to the head table to fetch my shoes, purse and bouquet. I grabbed my napkin, turning my back so no one could see, and quickly wiped the tears away.
Once I was sure they were done flowing, I took a deep breath and set out to find Alice. I searched the hall until I saw her and Jasper laughing along with the DJ beside the dance floor. I walked over to them, steadying myself and trying to figure out how to tell Alice I was leaving with Edward. As I approached them, Jasper looked up and caught my gaze. His eyes hardened as he gently nudged Alice. She looked up at him, still smiling and laughing at something the DJ said until she saw Jasper’s face. He nodded his head in my direction and Alice instantly trained her eyes on me then started walking fast in my direction.
“You’ve been crying” she said as soon as she reached me and pulled me into a hug. So much for keeping the tears at bay. A lone, fucking tear fell from my eye as she pulled back. Alice raised her hand and gently wiped it away.
“Too much?” she asked. She knew, she had always known when things were too much for me to handle, but until our talk, she didn’t know exactly what set me off. I just nodded my head, “too much”.
“Bella, I’m so sorry, hun. I know this was hard for you and you don’t know how much Jazz and I appreciate everything you’ve done for us.” I just nodded again, knowing that until I calmed the prickle in my throat, my voice would crack, and so would my façade. I took a deep breath and headed for the question that had been plaguing my mind all night.
“Alice? What do you know about Edward?” She gave me a puzzled look and shrugged her shoulders.
“Not much actually, I’ve only met him a couple of times. He’s really sweet though and Jasper talks about him all the time. He seems like a really great guy. Why? Did he say something to you?”
“No, I was just wondering.”
“Bella???? Did he ask you to dance?” she asked with a huge smile on her face, bouncing up and down and clapping her hands.
“Alice…”I pleaded with her, shaking my head. She immediately stopped her excitement. “Sorry Bella. I just thought that maybe…never mind. He’s a really sweet guy and I say go for it.”
“Did Jasper…?” I didn’t really know how to finish that question. Asking if Jasper asked him to talk to me and dance with me and be nice to me sounded even more pathetic then when I said it in my head.
“Did Jazz what? Ask him to talk to you?” she asked with a slight giggle. When I didn’t laugh in return, her face went serious. “Bella? Seriously?”
“Never mind, I gotta go. Are we still on for lunch tomorrow?”
“It’s Sunday isn’t it?” she smiled at me. Alice would never break our tradition, until she left on her honeymoon tomorrow night that is. She pulled me into a hug and told me to drive safe and that she would see me at 12:30 tomorrow.
I walked back through the crowded dance floor to the empty hall of the lobby. Edward was there with his suite jacket hanging over his arms, his tie untied and the top couple of buttons undone. He looked up as he heard the ‘click’ of my heels on the floor.
“I was starting to think you left without me” he said as he pushed himself off the wall he was leaning against and walked up to me, putting his left arm around my back, leading me to the large exterior doors and into the dark parking lot. I led him to my truck and told him the directions to my place.
“Yea, I’ve had it since I was in high school, but I love it.” I said with timid pride. He just shook his head with a smile and mumbled “full of surprises”.
“She’s kinda slow, so just be prepared for a slower drive” I told him as I walked over to the driver side door, unlocked it and hoisted myself up onto the bench seat.
“As long as you make it home in this thing, you can drive as slow as you want, I’ll just follow behind”. I smiled at him as he closed the door for me and started to walk away. I followed him with my eyes to see him walking towards a silver Volvo. He pressed the key fob, unlocked the car and got in. He started the car and drove up right beside me. I could see him giving me a sweet smile through his passenger window before I faced forward and started the truck. I looked over at Edward as the noise of my truck startled him, making him chuckle and shake his head. I laughed to myself for the first time all day, before I put my truck in drive and left the parking lot of the Great Hall.
I pulled into my driveway about 15 minutes later and waited for Edward at my door. I still had sirens going off inside my brain at having a stranger over, but Alice and Jasper knew him and Alice had said he was a good guy. Not to mention that he said he didn’t want to leave me and held me more securely than anyone else in my life ever had as we danced.
“Make yourself at home,” I told him as I slipped out of my shoes and headed for my stairs, “I’m just going to put on some sweatpants.” He just smiled at me as he took off his shoes and walked further into my house.
I ran upstairs, undoing the halter top before I was even in my room. I quickly threw the dress on my bed and grabbed some black yoga pants and a blue tank top. I was changed and back downstairs in under 2 minutes to find Edward in my kitchen, pulling out two mugs and filling them with instant coffee from my freezer.
“I hope you don’t mind…” he stated, indicating towards the mugs.
“No, coffee would be great actually.” I went to the fridge and got some milk as he poured the hot water into the mugs. We took our drinks and went into the living room, where we settled on the couch to talk.
Edward and I picked up on our previous conversation, talking about who we were, what we did, and little stories about Jasper and Alice.
I found out that Edward was 30, that he could tell that I wasn’t comfortable at the wedding, and that was why he wanted to get away to talk. He worked part time in the ER as a surgeon at the Seattle Children’s Hospital but was also doing his work in musical therapy the other half of the time, hoping to eventually leave surgery and do therapy full time once he was more comfortable with it. He loved working with the rehabilitation team at SCH, which was where he met Jasper. He told me about his friends from work, some who’s names I recognized from stories that Jasper used to tell, spoke about his family, how he was an only child, the travelling he did when he was younger and some of the cases he was working on, like Chris, a six year old boy who lost some of the nerves and muscles in his right arm in a farming accident. Edward was teaching him how to play guitar to help rebuild some of the muscle mass in his arm.
In return, I told Edward about myself. I told him that I was 28, grew up in a small town called Forks in Washington, moved to Seattle after high school to go to College, where I met Alice and Jasper, how I taught English, but my true dream was to be a writer. I didn’t really know what else to tell him. My life was not exciting, or adventurous or even interesting. I worked and came home.
Edward and I were sitting facing each other on the couch for hours, both of us leaning against the back of the couch as our conversation continued. It had been a long day and I was really tired by that point. I looked at the clock on the DVD player and noticed it was after 11:00pm already, but I didn’t want to be rude and ask him to leave. Edward had been the only man who had shown me any attention since high school and it was nice to finally, for the first time, have someone truly interested in who I was and what I had to say about different things.
“No way,” he argued a little while later, shaking his head while laughing at me, “you are so wrong. There is no way that Disney would have made the castle look like a penis. You’re making that shit up.”
“I’m not, I promise. I told you it was one of my favorite movies. I’ve seen it dozens of times. King Tritons castle in ‘The Little Mermaid’ looks like a penis! Even the priest gets a hard on when he’s doing the ceremony on the ship. It’s everywhere in the film!”
We had been talking about our favorite songs, favorite places to visit and favorite movies when I mentioned that I loved “The Little Mermaid”, even though it was perverted and anti-feminine as Ariel had to completely loose her voice and be completely mute in order to get a man.
“Fine,” he said as he stood up off the couch and went to my DVD unit, “prove it”.
Before I knew what was happening, Edward had turned on my TV and actually voluntarily put on “The Little Mermaid” for us to watch. Even after I pointed out the ‘penis castle’ on the cover of the movie, he still said I was delusional and insisted we watch it so that he could prove me wrong.
Half way through the movie, after I was up three ‘penis points’, I slowly began to drift off to sleep leaning against the left side of the couch.
Different images kept popping into my head; images of me at the wedding, sitting alone, a vision of Alice’s baby shower, Rose’s wedding, running into a married and fathered Jake, my dad’s funeral. In each flash of the dream, I was a bit older, but it was obvious that I was alone while everyone was with someone else.
It was my 40th birthday and as much as I begged Alice not to do anything, she insisted I at least had to have a small party. I was sitting in the corner of the same living room I had now, all alone while everyone else was partying.
“Maybe this will finally be your lucky year.” I looked up to see Jake staring down at me laughing as his wedding ring sparkled on his left hand.
“What do you mean lucky year?” Rose asked as she made her way over towards us, two children running around behind her while her stomach rounded with the size of her upcoming third child.
“Well you see,” Jake started, as Alice, Emmett and Jasper surrounded my chair, “our little Bella here has yet to ‘experience life’ if you know what I mean. Now that she’s forty, I think it’s about time that she not be so ‘innocent’ anymore”.
“Innocent?” Emmett asked.
“Yea, you know…Bella here is still pretty ‘innocent’, she seems to model her life after Steve Carell.” Rose joked into her husband’s ear.
“Holy shit Bella, you’re still a virgin?”Emmett bellowed.
“Bella, you’re still a virgin?” Alice asked with a little giggle, “I thought you would have taken care of that by now”.
Slowly Rose, Emmett, Alice and Jasper burst out laughing. “You bet she is” Jake cackled, “a 40 year old virgin at that. Our little Bells is unloved and unwanted.”
Everyone continued to point and laugh as I sat alone in the corner, on my 40th birthday, tears running down my face.
I could hear my name being called in the back of my mind but I didn’t want to listen to it. I just wanted to ignore all the sounds around me.
Then I could feel someone shaking me and repeatedly calling my name. I finally woke to find Edward lightly shaking me and saying my name softly. Tears were running down my face and onto his chest. Apparently I had rolled over in my sleep and was using him as a pillow. Oh God, how much did he hear?
“Bella, I’m here, it’s ok. What happened? What’s the matter?”
I wiggled out of his arms and ran upstairs to the bathroom as tears continued to streak down my face and I burst into a sob. I had never been so embarrassed in my life. Not only had Edward probably heard what I was saying in my sleep, but I had curled up to him in my sleep like a desperate crazy lady and cried all over his dress shirt. I sunk to the floor, not bothering to turn the bathroom lights on, cornered myself against the wall and the bathtub and continued to cry. I was at least able to gain control of the sobs escaping my mouth, but my tears continually ran free.
There was a knock on my bathroom door a second before Edward popped his head in and sunk to his knees in front of me. I barely had time to lower my face in shame before he pulled me into his arms.
“Please Bella, what’s wrong?” I just shook my head into his shoulder as he slowly and tenderly rocked me back and forth. “It was just a dream,” he continued, “its ok”.
Edward slowly scooped me up into his arms and took me into my bedroom. He gently put me down on my bed, moved my dress onto the floor by my closet and covered me up, wiping the tears from my cheek.
“I’m ok,” I whisper between sniffles, “I’m sorry for this.”
“Are you sure you‘re ok? You were crying pretty hard in your sleep.”
“I’d kind of just like to be alone right now.”
He looked solemnly at me before pulling the blankets up tighter around me and turning to leave the room. As soon as he was out the door, I curled back into myself and continued to cry. Not only am I dreaming about being alone forever, but I actually managed to scare away the first guy who has shown me any bit of interest. I cried harder at the thought as I heard his footsteps recede down the hallway and down the stairs. I tried to tune out the sound of his steps as much as possible. I didn’t know if I could stand the sound of another man walking away from me.
I laid in my bed, sleeping on and off as a defining silence echoed through my house. Every time I would fall asleep, I would dream that same dream of my 40th birthday. I would wake up crying and eventually end up crying myself back to sleep.
At about 2:30 am, right when everyone started pointing and laughing at me, again, I woke up to the sound of my bedroom door opening. My room was black but the lights from the hallway shone brightly into my room. I could see Edward standing in my doorway watching me as tears continue to fall down my cheek. He stayed????
“Bella…” he said softly and the sound of his voice whispering my name caused me to break down again. He walked over to me, lifted the corner of my blanket and climbed into bed with me, both of us still fully dressed. He pulled me tightly to his chest and gently rocked me back and forth, brushing my hair back from my face and placing gentle kisses on my hair, my temple and my forehead. I fell back asleep again, resting in his arms.
