Monday August 9
(recap from last chapter)
"Why won't you sleep with me? Is
there something wrong with you down there?"
And just like that, no only was the
moment ruined, but I felt ridiculed, disgusted, ashamed, and on the verge of
tears. There was nothing wrong with me "down there" as Jacob put it.
I just didn't want to be with a man who didn't really
want to be with me.
I tried pushing Jake away but the hand
that was sliding up my back slid back
down to my waste and held me in place. He pulled back to look at me with
glossy, bloodshot eyes. He had a genuine look of confusion.
"I didn't mean to insult you, Bells.
I was just wondering what's wrong with you."
I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I
pushed him off, and went up the stairs to get my keys. It was then that I
realized that I didn't drive myself here and Jacob was drunk and stoned and
couldn't drive me home either.
"Bells, just come sit back down. I
didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure everything is working fine down
there."
I stopped at the top of the steps and
stared down at the beautiful man who was making me cry. I couldn't get the
words out, stumbling over myself, trying to tell him to just forget it and
leave me alone.
My crappy birthday had officially turned
into a shit show and I couldn't get out of the house fast enough. I was halfway
to the front door when I heard his huge body clumping up the stairs.
"Bells, wait," he said, as he
put his arm around my waist and pull me into a backwards embrace.
I wrapped my hands around his arms that
were around my waist and dug my nails into his wrists.
"Don't touch me." I growled
with my back still to Jake as I dug my nails in harder and tore his hands from
around my body.
"Dame,
Bella. What the hell?"
"Get your hands off me." I kept
trying to release the grip around my waist but his hands held me tighter.
"Love,
it's me. Wake up."
********
"Love,
it's me. Wake up."
My
eyes shot open to the blackness of Edward's bedroom. My hands were wrapped
around an arm that was around my waist. My back was against the hard plains of
his chest.
"Bella?"
Edward whispered as he tried to let me go.
I
quickly let go of his arm and sprung from the bed, putting as much distance
between us as possible. I made it halfway between the bed and the hallway door
before I stopped and turned to see Edward.
He was sitting up in bed with a look of bewilderment and fear. Clearly
he didn't know what was going on, and neither did I. Because although I could
see it was Edward looking back at me, all I could sense was Jacob. I could
still feel his touch, smell his scent, hear his voice. It was like I could
still feel him, as if his presence was still in the room.
I
felt completely nauseated and it was all I could do not to throw up on the
carpet when Edward said my name but I heard Jacob's voice.
I ran
from Edward's room, down the hall, barely stopping to grab my purse by the
front door before I threw the door open and ran to my truck.
I
could hear Edward calling my name behind me, but somehow knew that I could make
it out of the driveway before he would catch up.
I
jumped in my truck just as Edward appeared at the front door. Just get home. He can't know you were
dreaming about Jacob. Just get home, away from this feeling, and then you can
call him and explain everything.
I
could hear a thumping on the door beside me but it didn't register. All I could
focus on was putting the key in the ignition, starting my truck and getting out
of there. My hands were shaking and my eyes were blurry with tears, but I
managed to get the truck started. I turned to look behind me before I pulled
out and saw Edward thumping his fists on my driver side door, calling my name,
asking what was going on and trying to get in. Apparently I had locked the
door.
He
stopped knocking when our eyes met. His face was frozen with more anxiety than
I had ever seen and it made the welling tears fall. "I'm sorry" was
all I could mouth to him before I threw the truck in reverse and headed home.
oooOOOooo
I
made it to the bathroom before I actually threw up.
Edward
was close behind me in his car, but had had to go back into his house to get
his car keys before he could chase after me. My cell phone rang the entire
drive home. Edward just kept hitting redial.
I
heard his car door slam shut, which evidently meant that I didn't even have
time to shut my front door before I sprinted to the bathroom.
"BELLA!"
He
just kept calling my name, calling out for me as he ran through the house
looking for me. I could hear his feet thumping on the stairs and down the hall
as he ran into every room and checked every corner.
"Bella?"
His
voice was breathy and his movement completely stopped when he got to the
bathroom door.
I was
sitting on the floor in the corner, my legs pulled up and my arms wrapped
around my shins. My face was buried in my arms and my eyes were squeezed tight.
It was just a dream. Jacob's not here. He
can't bother me again. Edward is safe and he's here. Focus on Edward, not
Jacob. Images of that night, of my dream, the things he said were still
dancing in my mind. And although it made my skin crawl and my stomach lurch, I
was glad the dream ended where it did. I knew what came next and that I
couldn't deal with it.
Without
lifting my head, I reached out to Edward with my right hand, begging him to
come to me. I just needed to know that all traces of Jacob were really gone. I
needed Edward's touch, his scent, his voice. But it never came. Edward didn't
come to my reached out hand and he didn't say anything.
My
arm limply dropped to my side in defeat as I turned my head, not bothering to
lift it, to see Edward leaning against the doorframe. He just stood there, his
arms crossed over his still bare chest. He was only wearing his pajama bottoms,
no top, no shoes.
"You
okay?" was all his said. His tone was clipped and hurt. He was concerned
but pissed, and rightfully so.
It
took me a couple breaths before I could reply, but my voice wouldn't come. All
I was able to do was shake my head 'no'. Because although I was physically
alright, I clearly wasn't okay mentally or emotionally. He let out a large puff
of air and came to sit down across from me, silently supportive as he waited
for me to tell him why I ran away from him.
I
clearly had a lot to explain.
oooOOOooo
"WHAT
THE HELL?!?!" Alice
actually smacked my arm as she yelled. "You ran away from him and then
just drove off? What the hell is the matter with you? How could you just up and
leave Edward like that?"
"I
know," I said, my voice full of shame. I curled deeper into Alice's couch as I tried
to explain, for the second time in as many hours, what the hell had happened.
"I
had a dream about Jacob," I began. "I dreamt about my birthday...
where he pinned me to the wall... and ..."
I
couldn't finish. Alice
knew the story. She knew that after I tried to pull Jacob's hands off me, he
grabbed me, shoved me against the hallway wall, pinned me there by my upper
arms, leaving bruises on my arms where his fingers squeezed, and kissed me so
hard he bit my lip, cut it with his teeth, and made it bleed. It wasn't until I
stopped fighting him and just stood there, not kissing him back or anything
that he finally pulled away and let me go. I ended up having bruises on both
upper arms, one on my left breast where he squeezed too hard, a bruised and fat
bottom lip, and twisted ankle from when I ran away and tripped.
That
was the last time I spent any time with Jacob. He called a lot and apologized
profusely, but I couldn't be alone with him again.
Alice's voice softened when she
asked me to explain why I ran away from Edward. And as much as I tried to tell
her how I kept feeling Jacob - hearing his voice, smelling him - even though I
was awake and saw Edward, I knew she didn't get it.
The
worst part was, I didn't blame Jacob. Not really. He was drunk and stoned and
although it wasn't an excuse for what he did, I knew he wanted me, went over
there knowing he was drunk and stoned, and if I was being honest, it wasn't the
first time I had put myself in that situation with him. He called, and I came
running. We both knew our part in our little dance. That time was just too
real. It was the final straw. It was in that moment when I realized what I really was to him.
"Okay,
that's it." Alice's
voice broke me from my flashback. "We're going out. Yes, you've had a
devastating morning, but that doesn't mean that you have to have a devastating
day."
In
typical Alice
fashion, "going out" meant going shopping. She dragged me all over
town, trying to get me into the "shopping therapy" mind frame. I,
however, was battling with the idea of getting something for Edward to show him
how sorry I was and how much I loved him. But no matter what I found, nothing
felt right or that it was good enough.
"How
about this?" Alice asked, somehow remaining completely serious while
holding a hot pink sheer teddy with hearts over the breasts and heart shaped
underwear, if you could call it that.
"Alice, I want to
apologize and show him how important his is, not dress up like a stripper-gram
and make both of us feel cheap. Sex won't fix this."
"I
have this exact outfit in red," she boasted proudly as she put the
lingerie back on the rack, "and it's fixed many arguments between Jasper
and I." She winked at me as she grabbed my hand and led me into the next
rack.
For
some unknown reason, Alice
was adamant that I get some lingerie. She promised me that if Edward saw me in something
revealing and sexy, he would realize that I was doing it for him and would
appreciate it. He knew that I was self conscious and putting myself in
something revealing would show my vulnerability and how much he meant to me. Alice's logic didn't make
any sense to me, but there was no changing her mind. Even when I told her I
couldn't afford $135 for the black bustier she insisted I get, never mind the
handful of silk and lace she was holding hostage, she wouldn't budge. She threw
all the garments on the counter and pulled out her credit card. She must REALLY think I screwed up with
Edward...and she's right.
After
leaving the store, still not finding the right gift for Edward, in my eyes at
least, Alice
dropped me off at home. I headed into the house with my three bags of stuff I'd
never wear, and tried to figure out how to properly apologize to Edward. I had
told him about the dream, apologizing profusely before he had to leave for
work, but it didn't matter. I still reacted horribly and caused so much stress
and anger for Edward. This morning was definitely an example of one step
forward, twenty steps back. If I ever needed proof that I needed help, I had
it.
As I
walked to my bedroom to put away my new lingerie, a thought popped into my
head. Edward's words from the other day came to mind; he wanted to take me
away. He wanted a mini holiday. Immediately, I stashed my bags in the closet
and rushed downstairs to the computer. As I booted it up, I thought of all the
places we can go, and that I could afford. It would be the perfect way for me
to apologize. Not with sexy lingerie, but with actions. The trip would be on
me; my planning, my booking, my payment. Hopefully,
actions will show Edward how sorry I am.
I
started researching destinations, vacation packages, cruises, resorts,
cottages, camp grounds, amusement parks, and everything in-between. Besides
camping, cottages and amusement parks, nothing was in my budget. I had my
emergency credit card, but I wasn't sure if this constituted an emergency.
I was
right in the middle of writing down the benefits of camping versus renting a
cottage somewhere when my front door open. I looked up to see Edward walk in
and drop his bag on the stairs. He heaved a large sign before he kicked off his
shoes - a very un-Edward thing to do since he always placed them side by side
against the wall - and turned to me with hesitation. He was still pissed.
Really pissed.
"Hi."
My voice was so tiny that I wasn't sure he heard it. For the first time since
we met, I didn't get up and meeting him at the door with a hug and a kiss. I
was too afraid of what I'd broken. Too worried that what I'd done I wouldn't be
able to undo.
He
slowly stalked over to me and joined me at the kitchen table. His greeting was
just as small as mine. The silence that stretched between us was the most
torturous thing I've experienced. Edward was right there, sitting right beside
me. I could reach my hand out and touch him and yet his was miles away with a
large wall between us.
"Edward....I..."
My words caught in my throat as I tried to apologize.
"I
know, love. I know you're sorry, but I can't get what happened out of my head.
The look of fear you had when you looked at me and the fact that you just ran.
I never thought you'd look at me with such agony and terror. I never thought
you'd run away from me. I can't get that image out of my mind."
"I'm
sorry, Edward." The tears had fallen over and were trailing down my cheek.
I didn't know what to say or what to do. We were on a precipice; either we'd
fight and work past this, or I'd hurt Edward for the last time and he was done.
"You
need help, Bella."
I
looked deep into his eyes and knew the severity of that comment. He wouldn't
say it, but I could see it. There was a line and I had crossed over it. Either
I got help, or ... I didn't know. Would Edward actually leave me because I
couldn't do therapy? Couldn't or
wouldn't?
"I
know." I had to look away from Edward. The emotions that were swimming in
his eyes and flashing across his face were too much. There wasn't an ultimatum,
but there was pain, sadness, hurt, love, concern, helplessness, and most predominantly,
resolve. He wouldn't budge. I was going to get help. There was no other option
in his mind. Either I did it voluntarily, or he'd make damn sure I'd get it
somehow, even if he had to force it on me.
I
heard his kitchen chair scrape back and the felt my chair move. I looked up to
see Edward crouching in front of me as he turned my chair to the side so that I
was facing him.
"I
love you, Bella. That will never change. Never. But last night cannot happen
again. I've been so worried about you all day that I couldn't focus on any of
my patients or what I was doing. Jasper even noticed and kept asking me what
was wrong. When you hurt, I hurt. When you're sad and scared, so am I. You were
terrified this morning and that feeling has stayed with me all day. You need help,
baby. Help I can't offer but I'll always be here and will walk you through it
every step of the way."
My
arms wrapped around Edward's shoulders as I lowered myself from the chair into
his lap and held him tight. He was right, he was always right. I nodded into
his shoulder and he held me tighter. He didn't say anything else. He didn't
need to. He said what he needed to and I conceded.
"I'll
call Dr. Cook. That's the name of the therapist I got when I went to the
clinic."
Edward
pulled back and kiss me lovingly on the lips. We were desperate for each other
after the wall that had been put up, admittedly by me, this morning.
"We're
okay?" His question whispered against my lips. He was just a scared as I was.
I would never have 100% confidence in myself, that was a given. But for Edward
to question us, that was a first.
"We're
okay." I put as much conviction into the words as I possibly could because
I knew that as long as Edward would be with me, I'd fight hard to keep him and
never have that wall up again.
"So
what were you working on?"
Edward
lifted me back up onto the chair and pulled his around to sit beside me at the
end of the table.
"I
was going over trip ideas. You had mentioned that you wanted to go away for a
couple days and I thought I'd do some research and see where we could go."
A
sneaky smile lit up his face. "Love, I told you I had the perfect place in
mind. Everything is already set. We leave on Thursday."
