Thursday July 22
I love you.
The words that I had whispered against Edward’s neck not five hours prior, continued to run through my head. It was too soon for me to think such thoughts, especially since I still knew very little about Edward or his past.
My head was swimming with images of last night, and I was questioning if I really did love Edward or if it was just the orgasm talking. But most importantly, my mind was questioning who this man really was. I only knew a little about Edward’s past; I knew what he did, his age, that he was an only child, where he grew up, where he travelled, and where he studied, but I felt like I didn’t know him. What made Edward so caring, patient and understanding? Why did he choose musical therapy? Did he have demons in his closet? When was his last relationship? Why me? I was awake for hours thinking about all these questions and more, finally falling asleep around three in the morning.
After hours of staring at the wall, while spooning with Edward and what seemed like only minutes asleep, I was once again lying awake. His body was wrapped around mine, tucking me protectively into him. I stared at the bright red lights on his clock as they angrily glared six thirty-two AM; I had managed to get a total of three hours of sleep and I was supposed to get up in twenty-eight minutes and somehow function.
Trying hard not to wake a softly snoring Edward, I extricated myself from his arms. I slowly tiptoed over the plush carpet to the dresser, where my overnight bag sat, stealthily picked it up and scurried into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
What a mess. The image staring back at me in the mirror didn’t look like me at all. I stood there in my bra and panties, looking at my tousled, tired, and confused reflection. There were bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep, my hair was a mess, my skin was pale while a beat and defeated expression marred my face. I walked over to the linen closet to grab some towels before I turned on the shower, undressed, stepped in and began washing my tangled hair.
Edward and I had definitely moved too fast last night, but I couldn’t chastise myself for it. I wanted him; I wanted how he made me feel wanted. But most of all, I wanted him to feel wanted too. I was so afraid that if I had told Edward to stop or started to push his advances off, he would have felt rejected and in turn rejected me. I knew if I continued to keep him at an arm’s length, sooner or later, he would get tired of me and my issues.
Hot water rained down on me, rinsing off my conditioner and body wash as my mind continued to process everything. And it was in that moment that the truth hit me; I didn’t want to be this scared little virgin anymore. I didn’t want to go back to living a life of solitude and rejection. Edward was the first man to ever notice me, desire me, and want to give me pleasure; what I had been wanting for all these years. So why was I resisting it?
As I turned off the shower and stepped into the steam filled bathroom, I finally understood what I had been doing. I had been pushing away everything that I had always wanted. I didn’t understand why Edward wanted me or how I ended up with someone so understanding and patient. But in the end it really didn’t matter.
It intimidated me that he had more money, a freaking mansion, an expensive car, a better education, more confidence and experience, plus the fact that he was drop dead gorgeous. But if I didn’t grow up and just enjoy being with him, instead of letting my skepticism rule and continue to over analyze everything, I was going to lose him.
With a new determination, or maybe I was just ruled by fear, I quickly threw on my plum colored wrap shirt and tan slacks and tried my best to cover up my lack of sleep with cover-up and mascara. With my jewelry on, my hair and teeth brush, I paused before taking my pill. I guess I need to start paying more attention to the time I take this every morning if I’m going to make a serious effort in this relationship. I wanted this, and as scary as this new territory was, I knew that if I messed this up, I would regret it for the rest of my life.
Edward had said that I was always so concerned about making everyone else happy, that I never did anything to make myself happy. One thing I was sure of was that Edward made me happy and I didn’t want to let that go. I was admittedly afraid and nervous, but it was time that I put on my big girl pants and went after what I wanted. I needed to stop assuming that Edward would run. Yes, it was true that I didn’t bring anything to the relationship, but he never made me feel that way. It was about time I started to realize that; I had told Edward multiple times that I trusted him, I just needed to start actually believing in that trust.
After making sure I was ready to face the day, I put everything back in my overnight bag, and slung it over my shoulder while opening the bathroom door. Surprisingly, I was met with an empty bedroom. I searched the room, the walk-in closet and even out on his balcony but Edward was nowhere to be found.
“Edward?” I called out into his home and I started down the hallway, but received no answer. I dropped my bag at the front door and continued through the house, looking for him. As I entered the kitchen, I noticed that the French doors that lead out onto his back yard were open. Edward was sitting at the patio table, still in his pajamas, coffee and newspaper in hand and the banana bread I brought sliced on a plate in the center of the table.
“There you are,” he greeted with a large smile as I made my way out onto the patio. “Good morning, beautiful.” I leaned down for a gently kiss before I took a seat beside him and sipped the coffee he had poured for me.
“Morning,” I said back as I reached for a piece of bread.
“How did you sleep?” I could tell that Edward’s eyes were examining my face as he asked the question I had hoped he would skip over.
“Fine,” I lied as I quickly bit into a piece of butter banana bread.
Edward put the paper down so that he could look me straight in the eyes. “Bella…” he started, waiting for me to come clean, but I didn’t. He reached his right hand out and pulled my left into his lap. “Did you have a bad dream?” he asked. “I felt you tossing and turning all night.”
I just shook my head as I took another bite of breakfast.
“Was it because of what we did last night? Did I hurt you?” All of a sudden he got a concerned looked in his eyes and started to panic as his gaze searched my face and body for any type of injury.
“No, I’m fine.” I said, as I squeezed his hand in reassurance. “I just…I kept thinking about last night.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Normally this question would have caused me to shut down and I would have told him once again that I was fine and that there was nothing to talk about. But in the new light of day and with my new courage, I was determined to remain open and honest with him; it was the only way that I could make this relationship work.
“I’m just afraid that it was too soon, but I didn’t want you to stop. Sometimes I just feel like this is all moving too fast, that I don’t really know you. We haven’t even known each other for two weeks and you… had your…finger…there.”
Edward couldn’t help the small chuckled that came out at my fumbling words. “Bella,” he softly laughed, “you can ask me anything at anytime and I will tell you. But it worries me that you think we’re moving too fast and yet you don’t tell me to stop.”
“I didn’t want you to stop, that’s the thing. I love how you make me feel, that you want me that way. No one ever has and …I don’t know. It’s just afterwards, my mind starts analyzing and second guessing everything.”
Edward got up out of his seat and knelt in front of me, taking both my hands in his. “Bella, you have to tell me these things. You know that I would never want to push or pressure you, but if you’re regretting something that we have done or that we are doing, even if we’re in the middle of it, you need to tell me. The last thing I want is to make you feel uncomfortable and second guess what we do together. Okay?”
“Why are you so understanding?” The question slipped out of my mouth before it finished processing in my head.
For the first time since we met, I saw vulnerability and sadness in his green eyes. He rose up on his knees, carefully placed both of his soft hands on my cheeks and leaned in to press his tender lips to mine. His mouth molded gently into mine, both of our lips bending to the others. Edward pulled back and rested his forehead against mine before he closed his eyes and he answered my question.
“Because I need you just as much as you need me.”
Without another word, Edward got up, grabbed his cup of coffee and made his way back into the kitchen, leaving his cryptic words floating around in my head. He needs me?
We fell into a comfortable and safe conversation when Edward came back outside, both of us avoiding his last statement. He had asked me to spend the night again so that he could see me before he left for the weekend and I hesitantly agreed. I wasn’t entirely comfortable in his huge home, but I did want to see him again before he left.
Before long, it was time for me to head off to work. We quickly cleaned up the patio before Edward walked me to the front door and kissed me goodbye.
The drive from Edward’s house wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, and I made it to school in plenty of time. Today was much like yesterday, a silent work period. The students piled into the class, worry still etched on their faces and quickly got to work. The day was quiet and slow, with rarely any questions from the class..
When the kids were taking their lunch break, I stepped outside to send Edward a quick text. I was determined in my decision from this morning. I wanted to make a real effort with Edward, putting as much as possible into this relationship. As I pulled my phone out of my purse, however, I noticed that he had beaten me to the punch.
Hello, beautiful. Just thinking about you and hoping you’re having a good day. I miss you.
XO Edward.
With a smile on my face, I typed a quick reply before heading back to class.
Miss you too. Class is slow, but the students are working hard. See you at three.
Bella.
As I shoved my phone back in my purse and reentered the classroom, my determination started to waver. Edward was leaving tomorrow morning for three days, the longest we had spent apart since we had met. Would he still miss me when he was gone or was he looking at this weekend as a breather, a vacation from me and my issues? I quickly shook the question off, once again realizing that Edward had never given me reason to question him the way I was. And although I tried to push the thought from my mind, the emotions that came with it stuck with me for the rest of the day.
I made a quick stop at my house on the way to Edward’s to pick up a change of clothes for tomorrow, but as soon as I got back in my truck and was back on the road, my doubts resurfaced. I had wanted to try and control these negative thoughts that were constantly running through my mind, but it was hard when it was all I was used to for so long.
As I pulled into the driveway, I tried once more to rid the negative emotions that were once again starting to cripple me. If Edward wanted a break from me, he wouldn’t have asked me to spend the night again. With a fake confidence, I rang the doorbell and waited for Edward. No sooner had the bell sounded, the opened the door.
“Hello, beautiful,” he smiled as he held the door open for me.
“Hi,” I laughed back, unable to control myself when I saw how dirty Edward was. He was dressed in dark blue jeans and a navy and brown stripped shirt. His entire torso, however, was covered in flour. “Get into a fight with your kitchen?” I asked as I swatted some of the flour off his chest.
“Um, just a bit,” he laughed as he closed the door behind me and started to stalk closer and closer.
“Edward, no!” I backed away from his open arms, but before I knew it, Edward’s flour covered chest was pressed tightly to mine. He embraced me in a playful hug and placed tiny kisses all over my face. When he pulled back to look at me, we were both laughing at each other.
“You jerk,” I chuckled as Edward started to brush the powder off my shirt, strategically, only focusing on the flour on my chest.
“I missed you too,” he smiled as he leaned down and placed a lingering kiss on my lips, taking my top lip in between his and lightly stroking it once with his tongue.
We walked into the kitchen hand in hand and I couldn’t believe what I saw. There were spices and seasonings dusting every inch of the island. “What are you doing in here?” I asked as I swiped my finger over the counter, collecting a mixture and playfully wiping it on his nose.
“I thought I’d make you a nice romantic dinner tonight,” he said as he made his way back over to a pan of raw chicken, taking a piece out and coating both sides with the mixture he had in a large bowl.
I sat at the opposite side of the island watching Edward bread pieces of chicken, feeling remarkably ‘normal’. I had never really felt normal before, but this right here, sitting in the kitchen with my boyfriend, talking about our days as we worked together to make dinner, seemed just that; normal. And even though my negative thoughts kept trying to claw their way back into my mind, I tried hard to keep them at bay and focus on this moment together.
Once all the chicken was coated and everything was put away, I made my way over to the sink to grab a cloth and help clean up the counter.
“So…” Edward whispered against the right side of my neck as he came up behind me and wrapped his now clean hands around my stomach, “…what do you want to do for the rest of the afternoon?”
I rested my back against his chest and tilted my head to the left, allowing his lips more access to my skin. His soft kisses were pushing my doubts further and further down.
“It doesn’t matter,” I breathed.
“I have an idea.” His lips whispered against my skin before he pulled away, taking my right hand in his left and leading me out of the kitchen. He took me up to his room and sat me down on his bed before he went into his walk-in closet. Within seconds, Edward was back with a ratty pair of old cotton shorts and a black undershirt that looked far too small to fit him.
“Here,” he said as he thrust the clothes towards be with a large smile on his face. “Change into these. They’ll probably still be too big for you, but they’re my old high school gym shorts, so they’re the smallest thing I have.”
I quirked my eyebrow at him as he walked to his dresser with a smirk on his face. He pulled something out of a bottom drawer, before heading to the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. With a look of confusion still plastered on my face, I quickly changed out of my pants and t-shirt into Edward’s old gym shorts, which were far too big, and his tank top. I had to roll the waist of the shorts three times for them to fit, but luckily, the top wasn’t so bad. True, it hung off me, but at least the arm holes weren’t gaping.
Just as I had finished folding my clothes and put them on top of my overnight bag which had made its way back into the bedroom, the bathroom door opened, revealing a bare-chested, bathing suit clad Edward.
“Ready?” he asked as he made his way over to me and held out his hand for me to take.
“For what?”
“An afternoon of relaxation.”
Without further thought, I entwined our fingers and put my trust in him. He led me to his balcony door and straight over to the hot tub. I gave him a look of confusion as I stood there in his old gym clothes, still wearing one of my favorite bra’s.
“Um….Edward…” I started as I slowly waved my hands up and down my body, “…I’m not really dressed for a hot tub.”
“You’re fine,” he insisted, “but I wouldn’t recommend wearing anything in here that you want to keep though, so if you’re attached to your bra, it should come off. The chemicals could wreck it.” I could see the sly smirk grace Edward’s lips. The sneaky bugger had planned this.
With a deep breath, I walked back into his bedroom and straight into the bathroom, removing my bra and underwear before heading back outside, finding Edward already in the water.
“Coming in?” he asked with the same smirk still plastered on his lips.
With a smile of my own, I held out my hand so that he could help me in, swung my leg over the side of the tub and settled into the hot, soothing water, melting both into the seat and Edward’s arms.
We sat in complete silence for a while, my left side leaning against his right as the steam from the tub floated up into the warm air. It was strange being in a hot tub in the middle of the day on a warm, July afternoon but Edward was right, it was peaceful.
Edward and I relaxed for the rest of the afternoon, alternating from being in the tub to sitting on the edge with our feet dangling in, to being back in the water with my back pressed to his chest and his legs wrapped around mine. We spoke about my class, how his packing went and finally, for the first time, spoke about the coming weekend.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay this weekend without me?” he asked as he rubbed his thumbs across my bare stomach, the bubbles in the water slightly lifting my shirt. I leaned further back into his embrace, folding my arms over his.
I just nodded, not wanting to lie to him, but also not wanting to make him feel guilty for leaving. Over the past couple of days I had really opened up to Edward, revealing more and more of my issues and insecurities. Being a therapist, I knew that what I was telling him couldn’t have been that much of a surprise. He had to notice my behavior, but I was glad that he had given me the opportunity to talk about it on my own terms, instead of ‘doctoring me’ and making me face my issues before I was ready.
“Bella…” he pushed, wanting me to once again verbalize what I was thinking.
“I’m not going to lie and say that everything will be fine, Edward. We both know I don’t do well by myself.” I whispered my response into the air, afraid that if I said it any louder, our peaceful bubble would pop. “I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m going to miss you too,” he whispered as he pressed his lips to the soft spot behind my right ear.
I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes as I turned my head and brought Edward’s lips to mine. I sat up, without removing my lips from his, and turned around so that I was straddling his lap. My arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer to me. Our lips opened at the same time and we both took advantage of the opportunity, allowing our tongues to gently meet. A small moan escaped from Edward’s mouth as my hips involuntarily rocked in his lap. For the first time ever, I felt a man beneath my core. The feeling of him pressed into me, even through both layers of our clothes, literally made my body shake.
“Bella,” he panted as he reluctantly broke our kiss.
“Sorry,” I whispered as I quickly moved my hips farther away from his body.
“Bella, stop apologizing for getting close to me,” he breathed. “If you haven’t noticed, I like it.” A small smile grazed his lips as he leaned in to once more capture my lips with his. After a long and passionately slow kiss, he pulled back, tightening his arms around me and pulling my body against his.
“Shall we get out of here and start dinner?” he asked in a voice that was surprisingly gentle. With a nod of my head, we both untangled our limbs and got out of the tub. After a quick change, we were both dressed and back in the kitchen, frying up the battered chicken and making some fresh pasta sauce from scratch.
Edward had me peel tomatoes and smash them in a pot with a potato masher, as he diced the onions and finely chopped up different spices. We continued to talk throughout the dinner preparation as well as the meal itself, which consisted of the best chicken parmesan I had ever tasted. Before we knew it, it was already getting dark out.
“What time is your flight?” I asked in a hesitant voice as we were cuddled back together on the bed watching a movie I hadn’t been paying attention to.
“Quarter after seven,” he whispered into my hair as he placed a kiss on the top of my head. I could feel my anxiety slowly creeping back in the closer we got to Edward leaving. It was really starting to concern me how much my happiness was dependant on his presence. I used to think of myself as a strong and independent woman, but over the years, my strength and independence lessened. And now here I was, trying to get better and build myself up to be the woman I knew I could be, and my heart was breaking because my boyfriend was leaving for three days.
The anxiety continued to rise and the minutes ticked by. What am I going to do for three days without him? What if he meets someone else at the conference that makes him really look at our relationship and he decides I’m not worth the effort?
My breathing sped up and before I knew it, I was clinging to Edward’s shirt, my face pressed into his chest and tears building behind my eyelids.
“Bella?” he asked, extreme concern lacing his voice. I could feel Edward trying to pull back so that he could look at me, but that only forced me to hold onto him tighter. “What’s the matter?”
“I don’t want you to go.” The words fell out of my mouth and onto his chest, the sound barely audible above my sniffles and heavy breathing. I can’t believe I’m selfish enough to actually say that to him. He would never hold me back.
Edward’s arms wrapped tightly around me as his lips pressed once more into the top of my head. “I know,” he whispered as he lowered his head and placed a lingering kiss on my left temple. “I don’t want to go either. But I’ll be back first thing Monday morning and I’m only a phone call away if you need me. I promise.” I nodded in understanding, but it didn’t diminish the feelings that were shaking me to the core.
Edward had come to mean so much to me. He was there for me, barely knowing me, but supporting me more than anyone in my life before him. He understood that I had struggles, issues and a past that I was still working through, but he comforted me when I needed it, pushed me when I started to close down and listened when I needed to vent. He didn’t push me to talk about things before I wasn’t ready to; as most therapists would have had they met me. He became the only person I could freely open up to on my own terms and truly be myself around, even if I was a sniffling, crying mess. The one person who would actually listen to me without telling me I was ridiculous for feeling the way I did. I had grown to need Edward. He was my support, my comfort and I was in love with him.
I love him. I REALLY love him. The tears stopped forming in my eyes as I realized what I was doing. I was in the arms of the man I loved, crying all over his shirt on the last night before he left. And although my chest ached with how much I was going to miss him, right now, I knew that we just needed to be with each other.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered as I lifted my head off his chest and kissed the underside of his chin. My lips lingered against the scruff skin and slowly peppered kisses along his pronounced jaw line and up to the corner of his mouth.
Edward slid his body down deeper into the bed. His arms pulled me tighter to him and our lips finally met. I could immediately feel the need in the kiss, from both of us. Our lips weren’t frantic or desperate, but slow, deep and completely consuming. His lips captured my top lip, while I gently sucked on his bottom. The feeling of his tongue as it gently caressed my upper lip caused a small moan to build in my throat and my lips to automatically open to him. His tongue softly dancing with mine caused the rest of my body to react.
My hands ran up his strong, t-shirt covered chest, around his neck and buried themselves into his soft hair. Our bodies instinctively rolled towards each other, so that instead of being side to side, we were face to face, arms holding each other tightly and our chests pressed into one another’s.
His tongue continued to massage mine as my senses took in everything that was Edward; my mouth tasted every individual flavor of him, my nose was breathing in deeply, trying to put to memory the scent of his skin, my hands fisting around his silky hair. And although I was completely surrounded by the man I loved, I needed more. My right leg slowly lifted off the bed and wrapped itself around his thigh, pulling our bodies impossibly closer to one another. A throaty groan left Edward’s mouth and got trapped in mine as I instinctively rocked my hips against his body. I could feel him twitch against my thigh as I reluctantly pulled away for a breath.
“Bella,” Edward panted. His lips never left my skin, but slowly and longingly trailed down my jaw to the column of my neck. His left hand held me tighter around the waist, slipping under my top to splay across the bare skin of my back. My breath was shuttering with each rapid expansion and contraction of my lungs. I was full out panting as Edward continued to lavish my neck with open mouthed kisses. My body had already begun to tighten, my muscles aching as if I were stretching each limb simultaneously. I wrapped my arms tighter around Edward’s neck and let out a desperate moan as his mouth moved upwards once more to recapture mine.
We were no longer practicing, but delving into each other, relishing in every touch, every kiss, and every breath. I was not over thinking every touch, but longing for it, wanting more, needing more of Edward.
With a movement that surprised both of us, I pulled back, reluctantly separating our lips and ran my hands to the bottom of Edward’s t-shirt and slowly pushed them under the hem. With a still rapidly beating heart and a quivering chest, I looked deep into Edward’s glowing eyes and asked permission. He nodded rigidly in return as he slowly pulled his hands out from under my shirt and lifted them above his head as I started to remove his top.
Edward was gorgeous. There was no other way to describe it. And although I had seen his bare chest before, in this setting and more importantly, in this moment, it took my breath away. He wasn’t overly muscular and he didn’t have a six pack, but he had a strong chest and long, lean muscles. His skin was smooth and pale and dipped and rose with each muscle and tendon that lay under his flawless skin. My eyes took in his bare chest before they made their way back to Edward’s lust-filled eyes.
“You’re so beautiful,” I whispered as I placed a single kiss over his rapidly beating heart. Edward’s arms wrapped around me once again, slipping under my shirt and pulling me tighter to him as an indescribably noise left his mouth. My head rose at the same time as Edward’s lowered and our lips met each other’s with no effort, as if they called to one another.
My hands, which were still pressed against his bare chest, wrapped around his back and clung to his skin. And as we held tighter onto each other, our mouths pressing and licking and nipping at one another’s, I felt Edward once again twitch against my thigh.
Edward’s hand lowered under the waistband of my pants to rest on the bare flesh of my thong covered behind. His hand squeezed by left cheek as his other hand trekked higher up my back until my shirt had ridden up to my ribs and his hand was playing with the clasp of my bra. It was Edward, however, who pulled back this time, asking for permission. And just as he had done not five minutes prior, I gave a shaky nod as my answer.
“Are you sure?” Edward asked in an unsteady voice as he looked at me meaningfully. Our conversation from that morning rang in my mind, where I had told him that during the moment, I hadn’t wanted him to stop, but that afterwards, I thought that we had moved too fast.
With as much confidence in my voice as I could muster, I whispered that I was sure. His hand slowly pulled out of my pants and met its partner at the hem of my shirt. Without taking his eyes off mine, Edward lifted my shirt off and dropped it where his lay on the bedroom floor. And just as I had done to him, he gently pressed a kiss over my frantic heart.
“Are you okay?” he breathed as he hugged me to his naked chest.
“More than okay,” I whispered as my hands cupped his face and pulled him back down to my lips. Without any hesitation, we both opened up to each other and sought comfort in the feeling our each other’s tongues on our own.
Our lips and tongues slowly continued to caress the others. We had yet to be rushed or desperate, but the passion in every touch couldn’t be denied. The love that I had for this man was building with each kiss of his lips and touch of his fingers. My hands wrapped around Edward’s neck as I rolled fully onto my back, guiding him on top of me. With my arms caged between us, I slowly started to move my hands down Edward’s chest as his lips moved down my neck. His kisses moved across my right shoulder to meet his left hand which was reverently moving my bra strap aside.
My hands continued to move down Edward’s body as he continued to pepper open mouthed kisses over my shoulder and collar bone. His lips ghosted over the top of my breasts as his left hand continued to pull my bra strap down, slowly revealing more and more of my right breast in the process.
Once the strap was pulled all the way down to my elbow, he carefully moved his hand to my breast and fully pulled the cup down. His lips never left my body as they continued to descend until his soft, warm and plush lips finally captured my nipple in a kiss. My back automatically arched, asking for more and my hands, which were still descending Edward’s chest, fell lower and clung to him. It wasn’t until his loud moan vibrated across my nipple and his hips thrust forward that I realized where my hands had landed.
There, secured in my right hand, was Edward’s jean covered length, twitching in my palm. His forehead fell onto my chest as his hips, seemingly unintentionally, bucked forward into my palm once more.
“Bella…” he moaned as his breath fanned over my chest. My mind went back to Monday night and our first practice session where he showed me how to touch him.
With nerves that caused my hands to shake and my chest to shutter, I slowly loosened my grip on his length so that I was holding him gently, not squeezing as I had been at first, and cautiously started to move my hand. A warm gush of breath left his mouth, directly onto my chest, as my hand moved up and down over him.
Edward’s body was shaking in my arms as his lips found the left side of my neck. With quivering hands, his left palm met my right breast, its nipple erect and aching. His thumb moved back and forth over my nipple in time with my hand’s movement over him.
We continued to massage each other, random kisses and soft moan pushing us forward. Edward’s lips finally met mine, after what felt like years apart, and pressed together with so much passion that emotions welled up inside me and tears stung behind my closed eyes. I never thought anyone would want to be with me like this.
“God, Bella,” he muttered against my lips. He pulled away and stopped my ministrations on him. “We have to stop.”
My glossy eyes opened to immediately meet his. A single tear fell down my left cheek at the look of anguish that was in his eyes. “Edward,” I panted, unable to slow my rapidly beating heart. “Please don’t stop.”
“I have to, Bella…” he replied as his eyes desperately bore into mine, “…or I won’t be able to stop at all.”
My mind went blank at what Edward was telling me. It was obvious that he wanted me, as his length continued to slowly grow in my palm. But his words almost made my heart stop. He didn’t want to stop, but he felt like he had to. He was so worried that he was pushing me too far that he was willing to suffer his own discomfort so that I wouldn’t suffer any. It was in that moment that my mind was made up.
“Then don’t.” The words fell from my lips in a confident breath as my eyes locked and pleaded with Edward’s. My hands found their way into his hair, my fingers running through the strands, pushing it back from his concerned and confused face. “I don’t want you to stop.”
Edward looked at me, his eyes raking over my face, clearly looking for something. Whether it was confirmation of the sincerity of my words, or hints of doubt, I wasn’t sure.
“Bella?” His eyes continued to examine every inch of my face, finally landing back on mine. “What are you saying?”
It was clear that there needed to be absolutely no miscommunication or assumptions in what I meant. I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted to be with him. I wanted him to make love to me. With a labored breath, I cupped Edward’s cheek and I said the words I had been waiting to say my entire life. “I’m ready, Edward.”
The concern on his face only grew as he slowly rolled onto his side, pulling me into his chest. He held me close for a couple of minutes, my body buzzing where every inch of our skin touched. “Bella…I have to ask,” he breathed into my hair. “Is this because I’m leaving tomorrow?”
My head immediately pulled back from Edward’s chest, searching out his eyes and cupping his face with my right hand. “No…” I told him with as much strength as I could muster, although admittedly, I recognized that my voice shook as I let the single word slip out.
“Are you sure?” he asked, his eyes once again boring into mine, searching out the truth.
“Yes, Edward. I want this.”
His lips met mine and we were instantly back where we were before he had pulled away. Our tongues were massaging, our lips were caressing, and our hands were searching. With gentle touches and soft fingers, Edward’s left hand trailed down my bare stomach and stopped at the button on my pants. With almost no hesitation, he slipped the button through its whole and was pulling the zipper down. My hips automatically lifted to help him remove them completely from my body.
After depositing them on the floor with our previously discarded shirts, Edward sat back on his heels and just looked at me. I could feel his eyes raking up my legs, flicker across my stomach and up to my one covered and one exposed breast and finally up my face to meet my eyes. With a heavy sigh, his eyes fluttered closed and his head dropped to his chest, slightly shaking it back and forth. The room was shrouded in silence as I took in the man before me.
“Edward?” I hedged, concern evident in my voice, as I lifted myself up and knelt before him. “What’s wrong?”
“How do I know you won’t regret this in the morning?” he whispered, finally lifting his head to meet my eyes. There was lust there, but also deep concern. I honestly didn’t know if I was going to regret this decision in the morning. All I knew was that I needed him.
With uncertainty, I crawled even closer to him and ever so slowly, lifted my hands behind my back and unclasped my bra. As my hands fell back down at my sides, the burgundy and black lace fell from my body and landed on the mattress between us. I knew that I wasn’t answering Edward’s question, but this was the only way I knew to show him that I truly wanted this. In a way, by having Edward hold back, it had forced me to step up and actually go for what I wanted. I wonder if he did that on purpose?
He watched as I moved my hands forward to the waistband of his jeans and slowly slid my fingers underneath. With our eyes still locked on one another’s, I popped the first of the buttons. Hoping that he would follow my lead, I lifted up on my knees and pulled him with me, so that I could easily access the rest of the buttons.
One after the other, I slowly undid his pants, softly grazing his shaft with the back of my fingers in the process. His hands had made their way to my waist by the time the last button was undone. With nervous hands, I gave a little shove and his pants fell down around his knees. My legs became unsteady as my body flopped back so that I was sitting on my heels. Edward’s arousal was apparent through his black boxer briefs and it made my body shake with anxiety. This is really happening.
Without a word, Edward leaned forward with his hands still on my waist and pressed his lips to mine. His right arm crept around my back and his left hand found the mattress and slowly lowered me back down onto the bed. My legs fell apart as he settled between my thighs, his length, which was straining against its cotton confine, lined up perfectly with my covered center. I could feel the strength of his shaft as it settled where it was inevitably meant to be.
With a final kiss, Edward pulled back and once again settled on his knees. His eyes locked with mine as his hands found the waist of my thong and, with cautious fingers, started to pull it down. Much like we did when he removed my pants, his eyes never left mine and my hips lifted to aid him on their own accord.
Within seconds, I was lying naked on Edward’s bed with him removing his own boxer briefs before me. The realization shot a fresh dose of panic up my spine. I had never been naked in front of anyone else before, barely looked at myself naked, and had most certainly never seen a naked man before. But there sat Edward, a picture of perfection. He genuinely was the most beautiful being I had ever seen. My eyes, however, refused to look at his length, partly afraid, but mostly embarrassed.
“Are you sure?” Edward asked once more as a shiver ran down my spine. I nodded, in absolute fear of opening my mouth. I knew my voice would betray my nerves and I didn’t want him to doubt how much I truly wanted this to happen.
Yes, I was scared, but I still wanted this. I was ready.
Edward, being the constant gentleman, noticed my discomfort at all the nudity and held up the blanket we were lying on for me to get under. With a grateful smile, I scurried underneath as he opened the drawer of the side table and pulled out a condom. This time, my eyes couldn’t look away and I found myself mesmerized by his size. Not that I had anything to compare it to, but he looked…large. Much larger than the toy Alice got me for my 25th birthday.
I watched as he put the condom wrapper between his teeth, tore it open and removed the rubber circle from its package. His right hand encircled his shaft and he slowly stroked himself four times. He grew even more in his hand, the tip of his length slowly reaching higher and higher as Edward rolled the clear, rubber condom over himself.
My body could feel Edward’s eyes on me the entire time. I looked up as he pulled the blanket back, our eyes locking and never leaving. He climbed under the covers and laid beside me and stroked the side of my cheek with his left hand. There was so much concern in his eyes as he leaned into me and captured my lips with his and I knew, without a doubt, that his concern was for me.
Our lips kneaded together as Edward rolled me onto my back and once again positioned himself between my spread legs. I could feel his covered length rub against the junction of my thigh and hip. His lips slowly pulled away from mine, his left hand disappearing under the blanket as his forehead rested against my own.
“Promise?” he asked as I felt him search for my center, his head rubbing between my wet folds, causing my stomach to tighten and my body to jerk.
I automatically knew what he was asking. He was asking me to promise that I was doing this for me, not because I thought he expected it or because he was leaving in the morning. He was asking me to promise that I was okay and that I wasn’t panicking or second guessing myself. Ultimately, he was asking me to promise that I was sure in my decision, that I was ready, and I was.
“Promise.” I panted, my body anxiously shaking under his.
I felt the tip of Edward’s shaft find my entrance and pause just before entering. With a single kiss, he placed his forearms on either side of my head and slowly pressed forward. His hips paused and I felt him push himself, little by little, deeper into me.
My eyebrows scrunched together as his length entered me. He stretched me to the point that I felt like I might tear. My body felt tight and full and the gentle stinging sensation made my walls automatically clamp down on the intrusion in protest.
“Bella,” he gushed out on a whisper as he immediately stopped moving forward. “You have to relax, Love.”
My eyes were still scrunched shut, my breathing was erratic and my body was strung tight. He gently moved my hair away from my forehead and leaned down to place a kiss on my lips.
“Breathe, Bella,” he encouraged as he rested his head against mine.
Taking a large shaky breath, and another, my body slowly accommodated to Edward’s size. I knew there was still more to come, but with little steps and patience, I knew we could do this. I continued to take calming breaths until the stinging subsided to a pulsing ache and I opened my eyes and nodded for him to continue.
With his forehead still resting on mine, I could feel him press forward and deeper into me. It felt like he was ten feet long, as he kept pushing deeper and deeper. He would stop every so often; slowly pull out a bit, causing my body to once again squeeze against him before he would push back in a little farther. Finally when I could feel him pressing into the very back of me, he stopped.
We both let out a trembling breath as he lowered his lips to mine. Both of us were shaking and our lips desperately clung to each other. “You okay?” Edward whispered as his lips fluttered over mine.
“Just…give me a minute.” My body felt so full, and the throbbing between my legs had yet to subside. However, after my breathing evened and my shaking slowed, the throbbing dulled the slightest bit and I nodded against his forehead for him to continue.
He pushed himself up on his forearms and looked down into my hooded eyes as his hips started to move away from my body. The feeling of him pulling out of me caused my head to fall back and my mouth to drop open, forcing all my breath from my lungs. It felt like he was pulling something out of me that wasn’t meant to leave my body. But once he pushed back in, that complete and full feeling once again took over.
Each thrust of Edward’s hips was slow, measured and long. At one point, it felt like he was going to pull all the way out of me, before he pushed his entire length all the way in. I couldn’t help the whimper that left my lips once his hips once again connected with mine.
I couldn’t make sense of the emotions that were running ramped through my body. I didn’t know what to think, what to feel. Alice had once told me that her first time felt like diarrhea going backwards in the wrong whole and that was what I had prepared myself for. But now, I couldn’t have been more wrong. True, there was an ache and a sting, but the fullness, the feeling of his hard length fitting snuggly inside me made me feel complete. I reached my hands above my head, searching out Edwards hands, and entwined our fingers together.
My eyes closed as Edward continued to massage my walls with each thrust. The fit was still tight but with each push forward, the pain slowly went away. Soon, the slight sting turned into a vibrating hum. My body wanted to move with Edward’s, bringing him somehow closer and deeper, although it seemed an impossible task. Without fighting my body’s natural instinct, I lifted my hips to meet his as he pushed back into me.
Our moans filled the room as the simple act of lifting my hips pushed him further and deeper into me. Our panting breaths took over the silence as I once again lifted my hips to meet his. His pace picked up and each thrust came with more strength as Edward’s hand untwined from mine and moved down my body, over my breast and down to my thigh. His hand hooked around my knee and lifted it up over the back of his thigh.
A loud whimper left my lips as the change in position altered how Edward was moving in me. He was rubbing more against my top wall, creating a heat and a vibration inside me. He slowly wrapped my other leg around his back, causing the tension and buzzing in my body to build stronger and stronger. My inner muscles began to constrict and tighten on their own accord.
I cried out in a soft voice, needing him closer to me. I wrapped my shaky arms around his shoulders and pulled him down to me so that I could bury my face in between his jaw and shoulder. His lips attached to the side of my neck, kissing, sucking and nipping as his thrusts became more uneven and desperate.
“Bella,” he breathed before he brought his lips to mine. I immediately pressed my tongue into his mouth, seeking his out with urgency. Our lips were only able to remain connected for so long before our panting breaths forced them apart. His face was flushed as he continued to thrust harder and faster into me, causing my body to shake and spasm. I could feel my orgasm building quickly as my body tensed and contracted at every thrust.
Edward’s right hand lifted off the bed and cradled my left cheek as he looked deeply into my eyes, already able to read my body so well. With a gentle kiss, he whispered against my lips.
“Let go, Bella.”
Without my permission, my eyes clamped shut and my hands fisted into his hair as my walls pulsed and clamped around him. My legs shook as they tightened around his waist. My breath got stuck in my throat as tears formed behind my eyes and a single tear tricked down my cheek. My heart was burning and clenching in my chest as I forced my eyes to re-open and focus on the green looking down at me.
His speed had increased as my whimpers filled the room. He didn’t relent as my body shook underneath him. With three more powerful thrusts, he stilled above me. His body tensed on shaky arms as his mouth dropped open and my name worshipfully fell off his lips.
Edward’s arms gave out and his body collapsed on top of mine, both our bodies still lightly shaking. I lowered my legs from around his body, letting them fall open to the side as he lifted up on his elbows and laid a tired kiss against my weary lips.
“Are you alright?” he panted.
My head rolled to the side, my eyes floating closed, forcing another tear to trickle down my cheek. I was holding tightly onto my emotions, once the realization that I was no longer a virgin sunk in. I’ve been waiting for this for so long and now I don’t even know how to feel about it. I never thought this would happen.
I couldn’t open my mouth to answer him, afraid that the emotions I was holding back would fall out my mouth, so I nodded my head in answer to his question. Edward’s lips stayed hovering above my skin, breathing hot air against my neck, chin and cheek in between the soft kisses he peppered there.
Without another word, I felt him move in me, slowly pulling out and leaving me empty and hollow. The feeling was intense in my sensitive state and I couldn’t hold in the whimper as the last of him left me. He made quick work of disposing of the condom before he rolled back towards my exhausted but stress-filled body. I buried my face under his chin, hoping to hide away the tears that were still building in my eyes as I wrapped my right arm around him. Once again, my lips mouthed my love for him against his chest as another treacherous tear escaped.
“Bella?” Edward asked into the dark room. “Why are you crying, Love? Did I hurt you?”
“No, Edward. You didn’t hurt me. I’m fine, just a bit sore.”
He kissed the top of my head, as I swallowed back the emotions that were fighting to get out. I buried my face deeper into him chest and clenched my eyes shut.
“I’m sorry,” Edward whispered as he held me tighter to him. “Do you want me to get some Aspirin?” I shook my head, just wanting him to keep holding me and never let go. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms and have him cradle me to his chest all night. And although it was almost midnight and my body was sore and exhausted, my mind was frantic.
Edward and I just had sex. Oh God, what the fuck did I just do?
