Chapter 21 Text

Friday July 23

My mind refused to rest as I laid awake all night, staring into the dark room.  I was listening to Edward’s soft snores while my body ached and my doubts increased. I could still feel the dull pain between my legs where we had connected.

We really had sex. I’m no longer a virgin.

I needed time to think and to analyze what we did last night. Did I sleep with Edward because I was ready and wanted to? Or was it because he was leaving in the morning and I felt like I was supposed to? Did I do it because it was expected and it was the next step?  Or was it too soon?

At the time I knew I wanted to. But now my mind was racing and it was nearly impossible to think about these questions. Especially with Edward’s warm, naked body pressed into my back and his strong arm wrapped around my middle and holding me tight.

I knew that our night was quickly coming to a close. There was only three more hours of sleep before we had to get up and he would leave for the airport, but my mind and body wouldn’t relent. I was sore, tired, cranky and confused, which only led to more tears and less sleep.

I slowly crawled out of bed, threw on Edward’s discarded t-shirt and made my way to the bathroom to clean myself up. Once inside, I stood staring at myself in the mirror, looking and hoping to see something that wasn’t there before; some semblance of a change.  Something that would show that I was different now that I had taken this step.

I always thought that I would feel different after my first time. That I would look different, more mature somehow; like a grown up. But I didn’t. I looked exactly the same. The only thing different was the ache in my muscles and the sensitivity between my legs.

After walking back to the bathroom door, to ensure that it was fully closed, I put the stopper in the bathtub, hoping that a warm bath would ease my muscles. As the water started to rise, I removed the only article of clothing that covered me and stepped into the tub. I settled in as the water continued to rise around me, engulfing me in comfort. Bubbles covered the surface as I turned off the taps and lay my head against the back of the bathtub.

It didn’t take long before my muscles began to feel better and my mind to relax. Yet, I didn’t know if it was just because of the heat or if the pain had actually subsided. Slowly, I lowered my left hand into the water between my thighs. As soon as my fingers touched my lips, the tenderness returned. There was no more pain or throbbing ache, but I was still sensitive to the lightest touch.

“Bella?” My hand immediately pulled out of the water and rested on the side of the tub. “You okay in there?”

There was obvious concern in Edward’s voice, as I heard the doorknob start to turn.

“I’m fine,” I shrieked. “Don’t come in!”

The doorknob froze mid-turn and re-latched back in its cradle.

“Bella, it’s two in the morning and you drew yourself a bath. Clearly you’re not fine. Please, just let me in.”

“But…” I started. “I’m naked.”

I could hear his chuckle through the door. “I know, love. And if you want, I’ll keep my eyes closed. But I have seen you naked before.”

A blush covered my entire body as I remembered the look in his green eyes when he had taken in my nakedness just a few hours ago. I had to admit that it was ridiculous for me to be nervous about Edward seeing me naked when just a short while ago, he had been inside me.  Drawing upon the confidence of yesterday’s determination to try harder and trust Edward more, I rearranged the bubbles around me and told him to enter, purposefully not asking him to keep his eyes closed.

As the door opened, Edward’s gaze locked with mine. I could tell that he was trying hard to make me feel comfortable by keeping his eyes from wandering, but the sadness I saw in his stare didn’t bring me comfort. “Hi,” he whispered as he sat on the edge on the tub. The sadness in his eyes grew as he pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “You okay?”

“I’m just a little sore and tired.” My eyes lowered from his, breaking our connection. For some reason, I was embarrassed to admit my feelings to Edward. I didn’t think that he would respond too well to the idea that my body ached because of what we did last night, or how I was unable to get any sleep. The fact that my frantic brain wouldn’t shut off was another story all together - one that he definitely didn’t need to know. 

“Have you been up all night?” I could hear the anguish in his voice, but I still refused to meet his eyes. I simply nodded my reply.

“Oh, Bella,” he started, as he gently lifted my chin. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

“You needed to sleep. You have a plane to catch in a couple of hours. And there’s nothing you can really do about my discomfort anyway.”

“I can sleep on the plane, love.” Edward paused before he rose from the edge of the bathtub and started to pull down the pajama bottoms he was wearing.

“Edward?” I gasped in surprise before I quickly turned my head. “What are you doing?”

“Scooch forward,” he said as he moved to the back of the tub.  I shifted forward as Edward climbed into the water behind me. His legs rested on either side of mine as he slid both his arms around my waist and pulled me back into his chest.  “Just relax.”

It took me a couple of minutes before my body listened to his words. The fact that his naked body was pressed into my back didn’t help, but the hot water and his soothing touch finally won. I rested my head back against him, turning to face so that my cheek was resting against his chest while my eyes fluttered closed.

“I’m so sorry, Bella.” His voice was small and timid, but I heard it nonetheless.

“For what?”

“I should have known that you’d be sore after your first time and I didn’t take care of you. I should have known better, even after you said you were fine. I know you were crying and I should have made sure anyway.”

I shifted my body in Edward’s arms so that I was on my side, my arm wrapped around his middle.

“Edward, I told you that I was fine-”

“Bella…” he cut me off softly as he closed his eyes and rested his cheek against the top of my head. “If you were fine, you wouldn’t have been up all night and we wouldn’t be sitting in the bathtub at two thirty in the morning. Please, just tell me what’s going on. Is it just that you’re sore, or is it something else too?”

There was a pregnant pause as I tried to think about his question. He was asking the same question that had been floating through my head all night; was I okay with what we did last night?

“Bella?” When I didn’t answer, Edward warily continued. “Do you regret it?”

My head started to shake against his chest before the words left my lips. “No.”

I didn’t regret what we did. I loved Edward and I wanted to show him just how much I loved him. It might have been the wrong time and for the wrong reason, but it was definitely not with the wrong man. I didn’t regret it. I just didn’t know what to make of it.

 I could feel Edward nod behind me before he took a deep breath.

“Bella,” he whispered against my hair. “Thank you for trusting me enough to be with me last night.”

We were silent once more as we both held onto each other in the quickly cooling bath water. My eyes started to flutter close when I felt Edward shift underneath me.  “Come on, love. Let’s get you to bed.”

Edward helped me out of the tub and quickly wrapped me in a large, white towel. He wrapped a towel around his waist before he grabbed my hand and led me back into the bedroom, and back to bed. It didn’t escape my notice that we both had a lot on our minds and that neither of us were talking about it. Typically, Edward would ask and make sure I was alright, but tonight, he seemed to realize that I needed time to process how I was feeling.

A part of me knew that it was just sex and that I shouldn’t be over-analyzing it the way I was, but another part of me, the more predominant part, couldn’t help but dwell on the fact that I never thought I would be in this position. I never thought I would find someone who would want to be with me, who cared about me and wanted to take care of me. I honestly thought I would be a virgin forever. And now here I was, having everything I never thought I would have and I didn’t know what to do or think. It was scary, finally getting what you always wanted but never thought you would get. 

My mind continued to wander as I cuddled up in Edward’s arms. Neither of us fully fell asleep, but we both lay there, eyes closed, floating somewhere between sleep and awake.

When the alarm went off at five-thirty, neither of us moved. The reality of the day was upon us and there was nothing I could do to prevent the day from happening. Edward hit the snooze button twice before he finally acknowledged the morning.  “Bella,” he started as he pressed his lips into my hair and pulled me tighter to his chest.

“I know.” That was my only answer. I knew it was morning and that we had to get up. I also knew I would have to say goodbye to Edward. With tremendous reluctance, we both got out of bed and ready for the day.

xxXxx

“Got everything?” Edward asked as he dropped my overnight bag beside his suitcase at the front door.

“I think so.”

We stood there in the foyer, neither of us saying a word. There was so much to say, but neither of us knew where to start. It was Edward who broke the silence by carefully pulling me into his arms and burying his face in my neck. “I’m going to miss you so much,” he breathed against my skin before his lips softly brushed against the column of my throat.

The words ‘I love you’ were floating on the tip of my tongue as Edward pulled back and captured my lips in his. I never would have let the words slip out, but there was nothing I wanted to tell him more.

I squeezed my eyes shut, demanding that the tears that were building behind my eyelids retreat. I wasn’t going to cry. It was only three days and then he would return to me.

“I’ll miss you, too,” I whispered against Edward’s lips as he slowly pulled away.

Without another word, he kissed me one last time, picked up our bags and led us from the house. As I backed out of the driveway, I could see him watching me in his rear view mirror, his once shining eyes now full of sadness and worry. Right then it became my mission to never see that look in Edward’s eyes again.

I stopped by Alice’s place on the way home to water the plants, pick up her mail and make sure everything was okay. As I opened the door and stepped inside, my breath caught in my throat and my keys fell from my hands. The house was completely full of wedding gifts still in their wrappings and bows. Every inch of the living room was covered. Boxes and bags of all different sizes littered the floor, the tables, the chairs and half of the couch.

With careful footing, I made my way to the couch and plopped myself down to take everything in. Evidence of Alice’s wedding was everywhere.

Thirteen days. Alice’s wedding was just thirteen days ago. Thirteen days and my life has completely changed. How am I ever going to explain this to her?

With a shake of my head, I promised myself that I would figure out how I would explain everything to Alice. I missed my best friend and I needed her now more than ever. I quickly got up, watered the plants and left.

It was when I was once again alone on my drive home that my thoughts started betraying me.

So, last night I said I wanted to have sex with Edward, that I was ready and now I’m feeling like maybe it was a mistake. No, not a mistake, but too soon. And the way he looked at me when I was pulling out of his driveway? It looked like I broke his heart.

I was starting to realize how much my emotions were messing everything up. I was so confused about how I actually felt that I didn’t know what to feel anymore. I would be happy, and then Edward would say one word or look at me a certain way and I would want to cry. Sometimes I would be positive in my decision, but after the fact, would question why I had made that decision in the first place. My emotional rollercoaster was so drastic and sporadic that it was hard to keep it under control. The saddest part was that my emotional instability was going to keep hurting Edward. I couldn’t focus on what I was feeling at the moment so I couldn’t make a clear and definitive decision and because of that, both he and I were both paying the price. I was confused and didn’t know what to do with myself anymore.

By the time I pulled into my driveway, I realized that I couldn’t keep living like this. It was too hard, too emotional, too stressful and far too damaging to the people in my life. Not to mention the damage I was doing to myself. I needed help. I needed to get better.

It was that thought that made me I realized that I wanted to be better. I wanted to be better for Edward, for myself, for our relationship. Edward deserved better than the broken bits of myself that I was giving him. I deserved better than to always feel broken. I deserve more than this sad life I’d been living and although there was no way to get better overnight, I finally understood that feeling the way I always had was actually destroying me. If I tried harder and got some help, maybe for once, I could finally be happy.

I couldn’t remember the last time I genuinely felt happy without another emotion creeping in behind to taint it. I wanted to be happy and it was with this thought that I entered my house, sought out a pen and paper and started to write. I made a list of the things that I needed to do in order to be happy. The very first thing was to figure out why I was so unhappy.

I knew deep down that talking to Jasper and Edward wasn’t really going to do anything. It was comforting to know that I could open up to them if need be, but they were too involved, too close. I needed an unbiased opinion and some outside help.

But before I could search for help, I needed to find out what I needed help with. I knew that I was depressed. I had been depressed for years, but had always refused to admit that it was bad enough that I needed help. Now, I realized that it was the only way I was ever going to get better.

I pulled out my laptop and did a Google search for medical conditions. I needed to know what kind of depression I was dealing with and some of the different ways of working through it. I made a list of everything that I had been feeling all these years: depressed, sad, rejected, isolated and hopeless.

I spent hours reading over pages and pages of information. On one website, I found a symptoms checklist for understanding depressions. After completing the online quiz, I printed out the results. It was staggering how everything in my life was being affected by my emotions, not just my emotional and mental state. The fact that I never slept well, or that I had a hard time making decisions or staying focused were all symptoms of depression. 

My research took me through lunch and into the early afternoon. It wasn’t until my phone rang that I realized that I had spent five hours researching different types of depression, their symptoms, causes, and what help was available. 

“Hello?” I asked, my eyes still glued on the results of my online quiz.

“Hey, beautiful.”

My breath caught in my throat and my heart immediately started to race at the sound of Edward’s voice. For some reason I was nervous. I didn’t want him to know what I was doing. I was afraid of what he would think if he found out how truly messed up I was.

“Um…hi,” I answered back, closing my laptop and pushing my printout away.

“How was your day?”

“It wasn’t too bad.” I tried to ignore the research sitting in front of me and squash down my fears. I put a smile on my face before I continued to answer. “I went to Alice’s place to water the plants and check her mail. And now I’m fooling around on the computer. How was your flight?”

“It wasn’t too bad. I pretty much slept the entire flight. Thankfully there wasn’t anyone sitting beside me.” Edward’s voice sounded a bit off, almost hesitant. There was an awkward silence between us for a couple of seconds before Edward spoke again.

“Bella? I…” Edward paused and let out a heavy breath. “How are you really doing?”

I automatically knew what he was asking. We never had the chance to finish our conversation from the bathtub. And he was, of course, still worried about me. Edward was always worried about me. Guilt ate inside at the fact that he was always worried about me, and yet, I was only now starting to worry about myself.

“I’m okay, Edward.” I looked down at the papers in front of me, clearly indicating that I had multiple signs of depression and desperately needed help and knew I needed to be honest with him. “I’m not perfect, but I’m okay.”

“I miss you,” he whispered into the phone.

Those three words warmed my heart. And at that moment, I knew that I was doing the right thing. I needed to be somebody worthy of being missed. I was going to figure out a way to be a better person; a person who was whole, who could control her emotions and not second guess her actions. A person who would never see the sadness and worry I saw in Edward’s eyes this morning when I pulled out of his driveway. I was going to be worthy of those three words. 

“I miss you too.”