New Recommendations

Hello all,

It has been brought to my attention that one of the links for one of my recommended story was not working as the story had been removed, which really sucks 'cause it was a freakin awesome story. Anyway, I figured I might as well use this as an opportunity to put out some new recommendations for you all. Check them out on the side bar.

I hope you enjoy!!

~JustTry

CH 12 Teaser

WOW!!!! I'm honestly speechless at the amount of support I've gotten for CH 11. So many of you have agreed with how traumatic the Bella/Jake situation could potentially be, some even saying that no further explanation would be needed to explain why Bella is the way she is, and some hoping that Edward would have the chance to kick some Jack ass. But as we all know, Bella works at baby steps, and sometimes one step forward means two steps back.

~~~

I sometimes wished that I would have just slept with Jake though, just let him do whatever he wanted with me. It would have sucked not really being wanted and just being used, but at least I would know what it would be like to be touched, marginally desired and perhaps, I wouldn’t be this scared shell I was now. Edward wouldn’t want this, some girl who was emotionally damaged. No one wants to take someone’s virginity, but during a certain age range, it was bound to happen. Edward was 30, would he really want to pop a cherry, or teach someone how to touch or be touched? By this time, I should have already done all this, I should have had these experiences. I should have experienced what it felt like to be naked in front of a man, touched by a man, felt confident enough to trust a man not to hurt me, or laugh at me or ridicule me. I should have felt like a confident and capable adult, but I didn’t. I felt like I was still a kid.

~JustTry

Chapter 11

Hello everyone,

I am SOOOO sorry for the delay in CH 11. I know you have all been waiting for it and it took much longer then I wanted for it to get up here. Life just doesn't always go by the time line I want.

So, without further ado, here's CH 11 and the outfits.

Chapter 11 text

Tuesday, July 13

I felt strange waking up. Something was off, was different. I was warmer than normal and my soft, plush pillow kept moving under me. On top of that, I felt safe, relieved and for some reason, a feeling of ‘home’ was radiating inside of me.

I slowly opened my eyes, grabbing the bed sheets in my hands as I stretched, and was met with bright white. What the…my bed sheets are navy blue. I slowly lifted up my head and looked down. My hands weren’t fisted around my bed sheets, they were fisted in Edward’s shirt, and my moving pillow wasn’t a pillow, it was Edward’s strong chest. I looked at the body under me, his right arm wrapped around me while his left arm hit the snooze button on my alarm clock and then came back to encircle my other side. His body shifted onto his right side, so that we were now facing each other, and his arms tightened even further around my back and shoulders, causing my left cheek to press against his muscled chest. He placed a sleepy kiss on the top of my head before his breathing evened out and a soft snore emanated from his lips.

His grip on me loosened as he drifted deeper and deeper back to sleep and I was able to pull back and take a good look at the position we were in. My hands were still clinging to his shirt as if it were a lifeline, his arms were securely wrapped around my back and shoulder, holding me safely in his protection. I flexed the muscles in my legs, not wanting to wake him and found that both our legs were a tangle of limbs under the blanket, my left leg pressed up against his right, while my right leg was in between both of his. Finally, I looked up and stared at his beautiful face lying on my pillow, completely peaceful and serene and comfortable in my bed. His welcoming lips were slightly parted, his eyes shut with his eyelashes dancing on his chiseled cheekbones and his mop of hair even more wild and appealing than before.

I slowly reached up, gaining confidence in the fact that he was asleep, and gently took a strand of his hair between my fingers. It was the softest hair I had ever felt, pure silk. I looked back at his closed eyes and I ran my fingers lightly through his hair, starting at his left temple. A small smile spread across his lips as a tiny moan escaped his mouth. My fingers continued their journey through his hair, gently brushing it away from his beautiful face. It was amazing to be able to really study him and not worry that he was studying me in return. He really was…beautiful. The most beautiful person I had ever met, both inside and out.

“mmm…that feels nice.”

His voice startled me while I was messing with his hair. My fingers immediately stopped their movement and my eyes shot down to his. His eyes were fluttering open and his body was starting to stir beside me.

“Bella…” he whispered as his arms once again tightened around me, pulling me closer to his body. His lips found the softness of my left shoulder before his eyes finally opened to meet mine. The green that shone brightly back at me was startlingly brilliant. They sparkled in the sun that crept through my window and the smile that lifted his lips made him look completely happy.

“Good morning, beautiful,” he said as he hugged me tighter and kissed the side of my neck. I could feel his muscles tightening all the way down his body as he stretched before immediately relaxing.

“Morning,” I whispered back, slowly dragging my fingers out of his hair and replacing my hand on his chest.

We silently stared at each other, taking in the new morning and the person in front of us. Edward lifted his hand and slowly pushed a piece of hair behind my ear before cradling my cheek.

“Are you ok?” His eyes immediately shifted from being peaceful to being concerned.

I simply nodded at him, wondering why he was asking if I was ok.

“You want to talk about it?” he asked, confusing me once again.

“Talk about what?”

“Your nightmare.”

I was utterly confused. I didn’t remember having a nightmare last night. I remembered falling asleep on the couch, partially waking up as Edward took me to bed and sleeping soundly for the first time in years until waking up a couple of minutes ago. My confusion must have been apparent on my face as Edward answered my unasked question.

“Last night, when we were watching the movie, you fell asleep on my chest and starting having a nightmare. You started shaking, whimpering and crying. You kept saying things like ‘please don’t leave me’, ‘don’t go’, ‘why am I not good enough?’ and you kept begging ‘please’ over and over again.”

I stared at him in complete shock. I didn’t remember having a nightmare last night, but from what he told me, it sounded like one I had had numerous times in the past. It was the one where I was locked in a 20x20 Plexiglas box, with everyone I knew standing around looking in at me. I was trapped and no one would let me out. It was like a large, clear prison cell, where no matter where I looked, it only showed the larger, darker room where my clear prison sat. My parents were there, Alice and Jasper, Angela and Ben, Mike and Jess, Em and Rose and even Jake was there. They all had their backs to me, slowly walking away, leaving me alone in the glass prison. The only person who looked at me was Jake, but the look on his face was complete indifference, as he slowly backed out of the room and left me in that clear cell.  

 I just stared at Edward as the dream I had been having for years quickly flashed in my mind. As the re-cap ended, I met Edward’s eyes and saw the worry in them.

“You don’t remember?” he asked, continuing to run his thumb over my cheek.

“No,” I whispered as I continued to look at him. His words from last night sounded in my head. “Goodnight Bella. Sleep well, I’ll be here to chase your demons away.” He had stayed to take care of me, to hold me and to make sure that my dreams didn’t come back.

“Bella, you’ve had two nightmares that have brought you to tears since I’ve known you. I just…I’m worried about you. Last night you were clinging to me so tightly, begging someone to stay, but when we’re together, you’re always pushing me away, hiding from me, acting as if you’re scared of me. I feel like you want me around, but at the same time, you’re creating this distance and barrier that I don’t understand. How can you cling to me so tightly in your sleep but push me away when you’re awake? What’s going on?”

I could feel the tears building behind my eyes as one slipped down my cheek onto the pillow. He brought his hand up to wipe it away and just held my face comfortingly.

“I don’t mean to push you away…this is just…I don’t know.” I looked away from him as he continued to wipe my tears away. His worry for me and his concern were clear as day. He really did care and wanted to make sure I was ok. “You stayed to make sure I didn’t have any more bad dreams,” I said more to myself than to him, but loud enough that I was sure he heard.

“No,” he gently said, wiping away a rogue tear as he lifted my eyes to meet his, “I stayed because I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t walk out that door after seeing you shake like that and hearing the tears in your voice. I couldn’t leave until I knew you would be ok. It broke my heart the first time you had a nightmare and I couldn’t leave you then, just like I couldn’t leave you last night. I needed to protect you.”

I looked into his deep eyes and couldn’t deny the feelings that came rushing in. He wanted to protect me, even from something that he had no control over. I slowly lifted my hand and cupped his cheek, and for the first time, I took the initiative and leaned up to kiss Edward.

“Thank you,” I softly said as I leisurely pulled my lips away from his.

We both got out of bed after that and I quickly jumped in the shower as Edward went downstairs to make us some coffee. I showered in a hurry, and ran to my bedroom to get dressed for the day. I slipped on a tan, short sleeved wrap dress that had tiny cut out’s where you could see the layer underneath. Simple, but very Alice. I guess I should get her something for fixing my wardrobe, and I guess she can keep my emergency key.

I walked out of my room, almost tripping over Edward’s duffle bag that I hadn’t even noticed sitting at the end of the bed and down the stairs to find Edward sitting at the kitchen table in blue jeans and a navy and white checkered t-shirt, coffee in hand and cupcake wrapper in front of him. He looked up from the paper he must have gotten from my front door and smiled as I sat beside him and took a sip of the coffee that was waiting for me.

“Wow, you look beautiful,” he smiled at me and leaned over to kiss my temple. We talked over breakfast before I had to leave for work. He had the day off and was planning on visiting his parents, but asked me to call as soon as I was done class so that he could come over.

I didn’t even remember what I was supposed to teach today. The past three days had been so…life altering, for a lack of a better word, that I didn’t even remember creating a lesson plan. I pulled into the school parking lot and decided that it would be a perfect day to do nothing. Sometimes when I was working with students, it was better to go with the flow then to force a lesson. It was a Tuesday, hot and muggy and they were busy working on their chapter re-writes from a different point of view.

So as I entered the class, and got the students settled down, I gave them the option; they could either use today to work on their chapter, or we could play games. Of course the students knew what kind of games we would be playing, they would be educational in nature and focus on human interaction, but it was still better than staring at a computer screen all day. So all the students got up and we went outside for a game day.

“Alright everyone, let’s make a huge circle.” I yelled out as soon as we were all standing in the middle of the football field. Everyone quickly got into formation and waited for further instructions.

“Ok,” I started as I walked around the inside of the circle, “so for this activity, everyone is going to have to close their eyes. I’m going to say a word, and I want you to pose like the very first image that comes to mind.” All the students started laughing and chatting between each other, guessing about the different poses that they would have to make.

“Now,” I continued, “the most important thing to remember is that I want you to pose like the very first image that comes to mind. That means you can’t censor.”

As soon as the students calmed down we started the game. Everyone closed their eyes and got ready for the first word.

“Angry,” I said and immediately everyone scrunched up their faces into angry scowls and either balled their hand up into fists, crossed their arms over their chests or gave me the finger.

“Ok, hold your pose and….open”. Everyone opened their eyes and started laughing at the commonality of the poses. “Ok, back to a neutral pose and eyes closed.” All the students closed their eyes and readied themselves for the next word.

“Scared,” I said and had to laugh at the cowering bodies and covered mouths. “Ok, open your eyes.” Everyone looked around and laughed at the frightened looks everyone had, except for Jason, he was just standing there, not posing at all. “Ok, so Jason, why didn’t you pose?” I asked as we observed his ‘nonchalance’.

 “I don’t get scared,” he answered in a manly voice that made everyone laugh or say ‘yea right’.

“Ok, ok..” I interrupted and moved onto the next pose. There was ‘woman’, for which everyone popped their hip out and twirled their hair, ‘man’, for which everyone flexed their muscles, ‘old’, for which everyone hunched over and held their backs, ‘nerd’, for which everyone pretended to push up their glasses and pulled up their pants and many others. But no matter what word I said, most of the students posed the same. After the final pose of ‘teenager’ where some students posed playing video games, while others just pointed to themselves, everyone had a seat on the grass to talk about the game.

“So why did I choose this game?” I asked as I took a seat in the circle amongst the students. The students immediately started to shout out different answers.

“To see how we see others.”

“To show how society sees people.”

“To make us embarrass ourselves.”

“Stereotypes,” a small voice called out.

“Excellent,” I called after one of the students called out the exact word I was looking for, “who said stereotypes?”

Tess, a very quiet girl reluctantly raised her hand across from me.

“Now why would you say stereotypes?” I asked, trying to encourage her to open up and share her ideas. Tess was a brilliant student, but rarely participated, I assumed in fear of humiliation in front of others.

“Well,” she hedged, “a stereotype is when you take one idea and apply it to everyone in that group and that’s what we were doing. You said a word and we all thought of the most distinguishable characteristic to pose as.”

“Perfectly said, Tess,” I praised as a shy smile crept over her face. “Now, I want you to think about your poses and where you got those ideas from.” The students were quiet before someone called out “the media”.

“Alright, now I want you to take what Tess said and put the pieces together.” The students were quiet before a tentative hand raised to my left.

“Heidi?”

“Well, if it has to do with media, and with what Tess said, how we posed like the most distinguishable characteristic, then I guess the media is creating all the stereotypes to categorize people. All the poses we did were extreme, and I guess the media is kinda controlling how we view others.”

“Excellent.” Heidi smiled at me as her friends smiled at her. “Now, what do you think this has to do with writing and literature?” I knew that it was an obscure question, but these students were smart and I knew that they would put the pieces together if given the opportunity. Finally, to my extreme joy, Tess raised her hand.

“Well, if we are saying that the media is controlling how we view people, then I guess literature and our writing is also. If we always have a male hero in our stories, it’s creating stereotypes that women can’t be the hero’s. In the stories that we wrote, we could have been putting stereotypes in there, influencing other’s ideas and not even realize it. We could be limiting people and creating a restrictive environment for our characters. I guess as writers, we have a responsibility to be honest to our characters and not always follow what society dictates. We all posed with our hands on our hips for women, twirling our hair, but I don’t know a single female who actually does that.”

The girls in the class cheered on Tess, agreeing with her comments. We continued our discussion about the unrealistic expectations that we see or read about until lunch time. After the students had their break, I gave them the rest of the class to work on their point of view pieces, hopefully having imparted some knowledge and something for them to think about in their own writing, during our game.

For the remainder of the afternoon, I sat at my desk and pretended to work. In reality, I was thinking about Edward and the nightmare he said I had. It was disturbing that I didn’t even remember having it, yet I still knew which dream he was talking about. That dream was one of my worst nightmares, just reiterating again and again how I wasn’t wanted and how I wasn’t good enough for my family, my friends, and of course, how I was never good enough for Jake. The dream kept playing over and over in my mind in perfect clarity until I heard one of the students call my name.

“Miss Swan?”

I looked up to see the entire class staring at me.

“It’s 1:11 Miss Swan. Can we go?”

“Oh…um…yes. Of course. Sorry guys, my mind was pre-occupied.”

The class shut off their computers, gathered their stuff and left the room. I couldn’t believe that I was so enwrapped in the memory of the dream that I didn’t even notice that class had already finished. I quickly packed up my stuff and gave Edward a call just as I was reaching my truck, telling him that I was finally leaving.

I drove home in a daze, still wondering what had brought on the nightmare that I couldn’t remember. I hated that dream. It always left me feeling abandoned and rejected the whole day. And until Edward brought up my words from last night, I had been feeling fine, blissful in fact. But now I couldn’t get the images out of my head.

I pulled into my driveway, not even realizing that I had made my way home, and saw Edward leaning against the hood of his car, a box of pizza resting beside him. Immediately, a smile came across my face. If anyone can get rid of my loneliness and bad dreams, it seems to be Edward.

He pushed himself off his hood and came to open up my door for me, helping me out of my truck and tucking me into a hug.

“Hey you,” he whispered into my hair as he placed a light kiss on the left side of my head,
“how was your class?”

“It was good,” I told him as I pulled away to get my bag from inside my truck, “we just played games and they worked on their stories.”

Edward took my bag from me, throwing it over his left shoulder, and then he took my hand and led me to the front door, stopping to grab the pizza on the way. We decided to sit out back while we ate so we could enjoy the weather. We sat at my small two chair patio set as Edward told me about his visit with his parents. From what he said, they sounded like great people.

After Edward told me about his visit, a nervous look appeared on his face and he started squirming in his seat.

“Edward?” I asked, as I was worried I had said something wrong.

“Can I ask you something?” he asked nervously, facing me with worry in his eyes. I just nodded for him to continue.

 “Who was he?” he hedged.

 “Who?”

 “The guy who broke your heart and made you hate men?”

I just stared at him in shock. Never in a million years would I have thought that that would have been the question on Edward’s mind. I quickly cleared my throat before replying to his questions, trying to evade this conversation as much as possible. “What are you talking about?”

“Last night, you kept saying ‘I’m not good enough am I?’ and you kept asking someone to ‘please stay’. Between that and how you react when I kiss you, it’s pretty obvious that someone hurt you.”

 “I don’t hate men,” I tried to once again detour the conversation. I really didn’t want to talk about Jake.

“Bella…”

“I don’t Edward. I don’t hate men… I just don’t trust them.”

“Why not?”

“It’s a long story, and I don’t really want to get into it.” I got up to take the remaining pizza inside, but Edward stopped me by gently grasping my left wrist as I started to gather the box.

“Bella…please? I just want to make sure you’re alright. And from the way you keep shying away from me, especially when I kiss you, I’m starting to get the feeling that maybe you don’t feel the same way I feel about you, that maybe you don’t like where this is going.”

I took a deep breath and sat back down. Might as well tell him now before I fall for him any further. He’s a good man and deserves to know what he’s getting himself into so that he can get himself out before we become too close. Tears started to form behind my eyes, knowing that the sooner I started revealing my past, the quicker he would run. He probably wouldn’t run after finding out about Jake, but a conversation about Jake would lead to other conversations that would definitely make him run.

“Jacob,” I started after a long pause, “his name is Jacob.” I lowered myself further into my chair and lowered my head. I heard Edward’s chair scrape beside me until he was directly on my left. He took his hand and softly placed it on my leg before taking my hand in his and giving it an encouraging squeeze.

“I met Jake when I was really little. My dad and his dad were best friends. When I was thirteen, I started to have feelings for him. He was the first boy to ever show me any attention, the first boy I ever kissed. Over the years, we hung out on and off. We never dated though, Jake never wanted that. He went to a school on the reservation so we really only saw each other on the odd weekend, holidays and in the summer. And when we did see each other, Jake always wanted to fool around and ‘have fun’ as he put it. He knew how I felt about him, and he used it to get me to hang out with him and fool around with him whenever he broke up with a different girl. We would kiss and…touch, but the next day, he wouldn’t answer my calls and wouldn’t call me back. It was as if we weren’t friends unless his hands and lips were all over me. I knew it was stupid, but I kept going back. It was hard to ignore it when someone who looked like him wanted me that way, the little nobody that I was. I loved him, or at least my 16 year old brain thought I did. He was the only man to ever show me any type of attention, any type of affection and I thought that was enough, just to have his attention and for him to actually want someone like me.

After we both graduated from high school, Jake and I planned on taking a year off to teach ESL together in Taiwan to make some money before college. We had both signed up for the summer course and I had found us an apartment to rent over there, but on the first day of class, Jake didn’t show up. When I asked him why he missed it, he told me that he actually never registered, and that teaching ESL wasn’t his ‘thing’ and he only thought about it because it was something that I wanted. The crazy thing was that he was the one to ask to come along with me. I ended up dropping the course. It was just a constant reminder of another one of Jake’s disappointments. I didn’t talk to him again until that Christmas. I went over to his place and he told me that he missed me and that there was no one else in the entire world that he could see himself spending the rest of his life with, besides me. I didn’t hear from him for a year after that night.

It was always the same after that. We would both be home for a holiday or the summer, he would call me up and it was like I was 16 again, fooling around on his father’s couch, him telling me how ‘good’ I looked and how he wanted me, but when I told him I wanted more than just fooling around, he would constantly say I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship with him. I was never good enough to date, but I was good enough to be with when he was lonely and horny.” I had to pause to clear my throat. That was the easy part. What I was about to tell Edward was the hardest part to admit, because it truly showed my weakness and desperation.

I took a deep breath, keeping my eyes down and away from Edward’s before I could continue.

“This went on for over nine years, on and off from when I was thirteen to twenty-one, him calling me when he was lonely, him being the only man who ever looked at me twice, and me, the girl who, when he would call, would go running into his arms, completely ignoring the tears I had shed over him in the past. Each time I would see him, he would ask me if I had been seeing anyone, knowing full well that I hadn’t. He would then proceed to tell me about all the girls he had dated that past term, the strangers he picked up at the bar, the threesomes he had, how he loved to take them from behind, pull their hair…. He would just rub his conquests in my face while running his hand over my thigh, feeling me up. But I always went back. There was never another option. It was either be with Jake, or be alone and I was tired of always being alone.

We haven’t spoken in six years, but my dad always updates me on how he’s doing, not knowing anything that ever went on between us. Jake said he didn’t want our fathers to know, it would be too much pressure for us to be together. He wanted to keep me a secret, saying it was more fun that way. He never told anyone about me, keeping me his little secret for nine years. He was embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I wasn’t good enough for him.”

I had tears streaming down my cheek by the time I was done and had somehow been lifted and put in Edward’s lap with his arms wrapped around me and my left cheek resting on his chest. I was so mortified at telling Edward about Jake. No one knew about Jake except for one friend from high school who I hadn’t talked to in years, and Alice, who had to deal with my crying phone calls over summer holidays when I would stupidly see Jake again.

Edward just held me in complete silence, gently brushing his hand over the back of my ponytail, down my spine. He gently kissed my forehead before he pulled me back so that we were looking at each other.

“Is that why you’re afraid to be with me, why you always hold back? Because you think you’re not good enough and that I’m going to leave?”

I just nodded as tears continued to stream down my cheek.

“I’m not that guy, Bella,” he started in a soft and caring voice, “please don’t make me pay for his mistakes. He may have been an idiot and overlooked everything that you are and taken what he had with you for granted, but I won’t take that chance. I see what’s in front of me and I can’t pass it up. You’re too much, too important, too …” he looked down at our now entwined hands and shook his head before looking back up into my eyes. “If I didn’t take this chance with you and hold onto you as tightly and for as long as I can, I would be making the same mistake as him and letting go of the best thing to ever enter my life.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. I had never meant anything to anyone and now here was this man who said I was the best thing to enter his life. All I could do was lean up and kiss him. Our lips met with a longing that I had never felt before. It was obvious that we were both getting in deep, but were both hesitant incase it burned out just as quickly. Our lips were simply moving against each other, gently pressing together, until he started to make me forget everything.

Edward lifted his hands from mine, his right one going into my hair and the left one gently curving around my waist to hold me on my lower back. Both my hands had somehow made it up his chest and were floating through his hair. He slowly opened his lips and took my bottom lip in between his. I could feel the hotness of his mouth against my lips and the gentle sucking pressure it gave. He tentatively ran his warm tongue across my bottom lip and I couldn’t deny him anymore. I slowly opened my mouth to him, as a small whimper escaped from deep inside me and his tongue found mine as if they were magnetically drawn to each other. His tongue caressed mine with a deep, but unhurried longing. He tasted like home. There was no other way to describe it. I couldn’t identify every individual flavor of Edward except to say that it was distinctly ‘Edward’ and it felt like home. I sat there on his lap, kissing him with a passion I had been trying to hold back. Our tongues danced in a slow, sensual dance, our lips continually pressing against each other, and opening up, allowing us to share one breath. 

He held me tight to him as our lips softly crashed together and our tongues tasted each other, but he did not hurry and he did not force it to deepen. He was reading me and allowing me to join him, both of us giving and neither of us greedily taking. For the first time in 6 years, lost in the ecstasy of his kiss, I felt like someone’s equal.

Edward slowly pulled back, allowing our individual kisses to last longer until our lips were just ghosting over each other, our foreheads resting against one another. We both pulled back to look at each other, just simply taking in the sight of the person in our arms. Edward pressed his lush lips to my forehead, before pulling me close to him again and allowing me to rest my head and hands back on his chest. We sat there, holding each other, not saying anything until the sun started to set.

“I have to go,” he whispered into the dark, silent air. Those four words shattered our silent bubble and a piece of my heart. I had found something tonight with Edward, and I was reluctant to let it go.

Edward gently picked me up and placed me on my feet between his legs. “I have a 28 hour shift starting at midnight,” he said as he looked up at me from his seat in the chair. He seemed just as reluctant to let me go as I was him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed a kiss on my stomach, before getting up, taking my hand and leading me to the front door, where he kissed me goodnight and began the longest separation we had yet to have.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N

So...here's my concern. I'm afraid that many of you will be like "that's it? That's why she's so depressed? Because a boy didn't like her as much as she liked him?"
I really want to make clear that the Jacob/Bella 'relationship' will be talked about more and more throughout the story.  She's scared about how this will make her look to Edward so she hasn't told him everything, just bits and pieces. There is much more and it will be explained throughout the story.

CH 11 Teaser

Hello everyone,

As per normal, MEGA thanks to everyone who reviewed CH 9 and CH 10. You all seem very anxious to find out what's going on in Edward's mind. Rest assured that Edward isn't as blind as many of you think he is, and everything will start to get questioned and be explained in the coming chapters, starting with this one.

~~~

“Bella, you’ve had two nightmares that have brought you to tears since I’ve known you. I just…I’m worried about you. Last night you were clinging to me so tightly, talking in your sleep, begging someone to stay, but when we’re together, you’re always pushing me away, hiding from me, acting as if you’re scared of me. I feel like you want me around, but at the same time, you’re creating this distance and barrier that I don’t understand. How can you cling to me so tightly in your sleep but push me away when you’re awake? What’s going on?”

Chapter 10

Mega mega thanks to everyone for the reviews. I'm so happy that you're all liking how the whole 'Edward/Bella' situation is going and I couldn't be happier. Your reviews are amazing. Special thanks to evilangel6714 for helping me fix up this chapter. You should all bow down to her and sing her praises.

As I said, your reviews are completely amazing. I'm so humbled by them all. Unfortunately, I'm turning into the type of writer that I really didn't want to.

Real life has taken a turn for me, a good one, but a stressful one which is taking up a lot of my time. I always told myself that I wouldn't be one of those authors who used RL as an excuse to not reply to those who so kindly leave a review, but alas, it is starting to look that way. I will always try and at least give a reply, even if it's just sending a 'thanks for the review', as I truly do believe that if you have the time to leave a review, I can make time for a simple thank you, but longer, more detailed replies may not be possible.

I'm sorry if this disappoints you, but I will continue to try and do my best. The replies may just take a while longer.

So without further ado, here's CH 10, the outfit and the extras.

Enjoy!!!
~JustTry

Chapter 10 text

Monday, July 12th

My phone rang at 2:15pm, startling me enough to actually warrant a small yelp to escape from my mouth. I had been busy with laundry, changing my bed sheet, washing the bathroom and the kitchen floors and completely obsessing over Edward. I still couldn’t believe that I had only really known him for less than 48 hours and we had already slow danced, gone out on a date, kissed numerous times and he had actually spent the night in my bed, with me in his arms. That’s more than Jake and I ever did.

The depressing thought luckily was interrupted by the ringing of my cell phone. I reached into the back pocket of my cutoff jean shorts and pulled out my phone to see Edward’s name lighting up my screen. A smile immediately spread across my face.

“Hello?”

“Hello, beautiful. How’s your day been?”

In 28 years, I had never been called beautiful, and he had already said it three times since we met. My insides were churning, prickling with the conflicting excitement and trepidation that came from just thinking about Edward. He had made me feel more special, more desired, more normal than anyone ever had before. Not that there were many men to compare him to. Only one, and he’s an ass.

I shook my head to get rid of the thoughts that always hurt my heart.

“It’s been a normal day. All I’ve done is clean the house and do laundry. Not too exciting. I’m bored out of my mind and miss Alice. How’s your day going?”

“I’m just on a break right now, waiting for Claire to get back from her check-up with her surgeon.”

I recognized Claire’s name, but between Saturday and last night, he had mentioned a lot of patients to me, trying to clarify what ‘musical therapy’ actually was, and to be completely honest, I was still a bit fuzzy. Apparently my pause was a little too long because Edward chimed in with a slight laugh.

“Claire was the three year old little girl who had her vocal cords crushed when the bookcase she was climbing on fell on her, remember?”

Oh God. That story I definitely remembered. It brought me to tears when Edward first told me about her. Just thinking about the trauma that that little girl must have gone through, and still be going through, once again brought tears to my eyes. I involuntarily sniffed before I answered Edward.

“Yea, I remember her.”

“Bella?” Edward asked, worry clear in his voice, “you ok?”

“Yea, her story is just really sad.” I gave one more sniff and tried to shake the sadness away.

“I know, but she’s getting better. I promise.” I could tell by the sound of his voice that he really cared for her. He cared for all the kids he worked with. He was so emotionally involved when he told me their stories that it sounded like they were his own children.

“So what are you planning on doing with her today?” I asked, as I sat down on my clean kitchen floor, trying to turn the topic around.

“Singing!” he said with a jolt of enthusiasm. “We’ve been working on strengthening her vocal cords, starting with simple humming and then humming different notes, but apparently she whispered something to the nurse today, so I’m going to try singing. Nothing too difficult though, I just want to see if she can whisper the words to ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’. If that works, who knows, she might be singing and talking again in a couple of months.” He was so excited that his smile was evident over the phone.

“That’s amazing Edward. I hope it works.”

“Even if she can’t sing, she’s been so sad and angry lately that she can’t talk to the other kids, that hopefully the music will at least make her feel a bit better.”

“So how long do you have until she gets back from her check-up?”

“Just long enough to ask you out for dinner tonight.”

I paused on the phone thinking about his proposition. If our first date of seeing a movie was elaborate enough to include an outdoor screen, a basket loaded with food, blankets and sleeping bags, I could only image what a dinner out with Edward would entail. He was probably hoping to take me to a fancy restaurant, with a private table, lit only by candlelight, with a menu that didn’t even have prices listed, where I would have to wear a fancy dress. Christ, I probably wouldn’t even be able to afford the soup at a restaurant that Edward would want to take me to. And I most definitely wouldn’t have something to wear.

I didn’t want to turn Edward down, but I knew that anywhere he would take me would be spectacular and expensive and I would feel guilty the entire night. It would be awkward and it would prove again how much I didn’t deserve this man.

“Bella?” he asked, waiting for my reply, “did you want to go to dinner tonight? I was thinking Bella Italia.”

Holy shit!! That’s one of the nicest and most expensive places in town. What do I tell him?

“Um…how about if you come over after work and I can make us something.” Providing I have something in the house to cook or at least enough money to do a quick stop at the grocery store.

“Bella, that sounds really nice, but I don’t want you to have to cook when I asked you out for dinner. Let’s just go somewhere nice where we can relax over a bottle of wine and eat ridiculously priced desserts.”

I knew it wasn’t my money that we would be spending, and that Edward was the type of person who would definitely be taking care of the bill, but I still didn’t feel right going somewhere that I wouldn’t be able to pay for myself. Tears sprang to my eyes and I angrily wiped them away, frantically thinking of something to say. Deep breath. Just suck it up and accept his invitation. He clearly doesn’t care about money, so it shouldn’t make a difference to me…but it does. I guess if I want to have dinner with him, I’ll just have to accept the chivalry and be melancholy about my financial issues after he drops me back off.

Just as I was about to answer him, he cut me off in a somewhat defeated voice.

“It’s ok Bella. If you don’t want to go to dinner, that’s completely fine. I just thought that we had fun last night and I wanted to see you again. But please don’t feel pressured to agree if you don’t want to. I understand.”

Edward paused for a minute, letting the silence between us grow before he continued. “Listen, I gotta go, Claire just got here, but call me…I guess…if you ever want to get together…” his voice trailed off at the end and it took my heart with it. The realization that Edward thought that I didn’t want to see him and he was retracting his offer sent a shock to my system. FIX THIS!!!! Tears immediately sprang to my eyes again at how easily he had just given up on me. All it took was a pause from me and he gave me the ‘call me…I guess…if you want to’ speech. I knew he was waiting for my answer, for me to say something, but I couldn’t. I sat there with my phone pressed to my ear, frantically scrambling for something to say, but not coming up with anything. Before I could correct Edward’s misconception and agree to his dinner, I heard him let out a heavy sigh before he spoke again.

“Ok, well I gotta go…bye Bella...” I continued to sit, both us of silent, listening to Edward’s light breathing on the other end of the line. My mouth was opening and closing but no sound was coming from it, then the phone ‘clicked’, the dial tone rang loud and the call dropped from my cell. I looked down at the phone and stared at the ‘phone time 6:13’that was flashing below his name. Not even ten minutes on the phone and I ruined it. I couldn’t even answer him when he gave me ample opportunities to. I couldn’t say a word and now I’ve pushed away the first guy who’s shown me any true interest in years. No wonder I’m a virgin and have no friends. Fuck I’m an idiot.

I took a quick breath and tried to think about what I should do. I could just put my phone back in my pocket and get back down on my knees to scrub the kitchen floor, or, I could do something mature for the first time in my life and call him back and tell him the truth.

Before I lost my nerve, I quickly pressed his name on my phone and called him back. Unfortunately, the phone immediately went to voicemail.

“You’ve reached the voicemail of Dr. Edward Cullen. Please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I am available. If this is an emergency, please call the hospital directly.”

The beep sounded before I even knew what I was going to say. I sat there in shock while his machine recorded nothing but my breathing.

“Um…Edward?....It’s Bella…I…um…I don’t really know what to say. I’m…*sniff*… I’m sorry for before… I do want to see you again…and I did have a…a great time last night. It’s just that…oh God…this is going to sound really stupid but…*sniff*…I can’t afford it.” My voice was a whisper at the end. I was so embarrassed that I was telling him this, that tears were streaming down my face and onto the floor as I sat on my freshly cleaned linoleum, leaning back against my cupboards.

I sniffed and cleared my throat before I continued. “I’m being presumptuous here…but…but I assumed that you were…you were going to pay…and I…it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel right letting you pay for something that I wouldn’t be able to pay for myself.” There. I said it. I said it in a rush and quietly, but I said it.

“…*sniff*…I invited you over because I do want to see you…but I just don’t…I’d feel bad taking…taking advantage of you…like that.”

I paused for a long while, sniffling, wiping away my tears and trying to think of what else to say before his machine cut me off.

“I’m just…I guess…I’m just sorry. If you want to go out, we can go out…just please don’t think…don’t think that I wouldn’t want to…that I don’t…” *BEEEEEEP* “like you.” I finished as the machine cut me off.

I sat there on the floor crying for almost an hour. I couldn’t believe that I ruined something before it even began. This man, this amazing man who said I was beautiful, all he wanted to do was take me out to dinner and I ruined it. I sat there on the floor feeling completely hollow. My chest hurt, as if someone was holding a vacuum to my heart and trying to suck it out of my body. I didn’t know why I was having such an intense reaction, why my chest hurt so much, I only knew that it did.

I thought about last night, him holding me, kissing me, gently rubbing my back and how it made me anxious. His touch made me nervous, but knowing that there could be no more touches somehow felt worse.

My phone chimed beside me and I raced to it. The only person who ever sent me a text was Alice, but she was on her honeymoon and wouldn’t be texting me after only two days. I looked down and saw the text bubble light up my screen

Edward Cullen wrote:

I’ll be there at 6. I’m sorry.

Edward.

I closed the message, not bothering to reply and quickly got off the floor to see what I had in the house that I could make. I didn’t think that Edward was the frozen pizza or canned soup type, so I ran to the landing, grabbed my purse and my keys and headed to the grocery store.

By 5:30, the Conchiglie shells were boiled and in my square casserole dish, covered with a homemade pasta sauce of tomato, garlic, basil, oregano, onion and mushroom, topped with shredded pieces of grilled chicken and loads of parmesan cheese and baking nicely in the oven.

I set the timer for 25 minutes and ran upstairs to get out of the cleaning clothes that I was still wearing. I threw on a pair of jeans and a plain black tank top, put my hair in a ponytail and put on my silver hoops and solitaire necklace. The outfit wasn’t fancy by any means, but at least I wasn’t wearing the same clothes I wore to scrub my toilet.

I ran downstairs with just enough time to open, wash and mix the pre-made Cesar salad I bought before the doorbell rang. I put the salad in the fridge to keep it cold and went to answer the door. Edward must have come straight from work. He looked stunning in his tan dress pants and white shirt, the sleeves folded up to the elbows and a grey tie. He held a large white box in the crook of his left elbow and had his right hand shoved in his pocket.

His eyes turned up to meet mine as I answered the door. My heart fell, however, at the sadness in his eyes.

“Hey,” he quietly said in a dejected and apologetic voice.

“Hey.”

I held the door open for Edward and he handed me the box of flowers as he crossed into my house.

“Thanks,” I whispered in embarrassment as I immediately lower my eyes to the floor. He gets rejected and I get flowers. God I’m such an ass. He’s way too good for me.

“Bella…I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you felt that…”

“It’s ok, Edward. Can we just forget about it?” I looked up to see Edward nodding his head as his shoulders visibly relaxed and he slipped off his shoes.

“It smells amazing in here,” he smiled as he followed me into the kitchen so that I could set the huge box of flowers on the counter and place them in water. I could feel Edward standing close behind me as I started to remove the huge pink bow from the box, then I felt his strong arms gently wrap around my waist and the soft touch of his lips on the top of my head.

I instinctively paused what I was doing as the briefest spark of anxiety shot through me before I resumed opening the box of flowers. His hold and kiss were innocent, but I couldn’t shake the tension that seemed to flow between us.

“I am sorry, Bella,” he whispered into my hair. His arms tightened around me as his forehead fell onto my left shoulder. “I never meant to make you feel that way.”

“I know,” I whispered, as my body automatically leaned back into his chest. It felt like he had been holding me this way, this intimately, for years and my body just reacted. He placed a soft kiss on my left temple before placing his chin on my shoulder to watch me unwrap the flowers.

When I finally cut all the tape that held the lid on, I slowly took the top of the box off, expecting a bouquet of roses, as the box would dictate. Instead, I burst out laughing.

“Well, since you wanted to make dinner, I thought I would bring dessert. But I also wanted to get you some ‘I’m sorry’ flowers, so I thought I’d get both.”

Inside the flower box were a dozen white cupcakes with different colored roses made out of red, yellow, orange and pink icing. He got me a bouquet of cupcakes.

“Thank you,” I said as I turned around to face him, “they’re perfect.”

He had a pleased smile on his face as he took my hand in his and entwined our fingers. He took a step closer to me and placed a soft kiss on my forehead before raising my chin with his left hand and gently kissing my lips.

“I really am sorry,” he whispered as he pulled back.

“Edward,” I began as I stepped back from him and lowered my head, our hands no longer entwined together, “please stop apologizing. It wasn’t your fault. I’m just…it’s just a tough subject for me. My family never had money and I’m…” I had to cut myself off. I didn’t really want to talk about my financial standings, or lack thereof.

“Talking over a bottle of wine and the ridiculously expensive desserts, I get it,” he answered as he slowly walked back towards me and encompassed me in a warm and caring embrace. “I never meant to make you feel that way and I most certainly didn’t mean to rub my money in your face. I wasn’t thinking.”

I just nodded into his chest as my arms lazily wrapped around his waist. Thankfully the timer on the oven went off before we could continue this uncomfortable and incredibly awkward conversation.

I pulled back from him and scooted out of his grasp to make my way over to the oven. I put on my oven mitts and took out the pasta dish as Edward recovered the cupcakes and somehow managed to place the box in the fridge.

“Can you grab the salad while you’re in there?” I asked as I placed the casserole dish on the burner to cool for 5 minutes.

Edward took the salad to the table as I got out plates, salad bowls and utensils. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any wine, it wasn’t in my budget, so I just put out basic tumbler glasses. I did have some beer left in the very back of my fridge from when Jasper and Emmett helped me move in but Edward insisted that the peach juice I had would be great.

Edward helped finish setting the table while I got serving spoons and the thick wooden placemat to put the hot casserole dish on. I brought our drinks over and we sat down, I at my normal spot at the head of the table facing the living room, while Edward sat on my right.

We sat and ate and talked more about our day. Apparently Claire didn’t end up singing today, and didn’t feel too great after her therapy session either. It seemed that her visit with her surgeon didn’t go so well and she was in a lot of pain.

Edward and I continued eating, him complementing my cooking numerous times with little grunts and moans as he placed a second and then third helping on his plate.

“God, Bella. That was excellent,” he told me as he pulled his fork out of his mouth after the last mouthful was gone from his plate.

“Thanks.” I don’t think that I could have been redder or that a bigger smile could have been plastered on my face. I was so happy that Edward actually liked what I made, and that it was something that didn’t break the bank. I got up to clear the dishes, but Edward stopped me.

“I don’t think so,” he laughed as he got up and gathered our plates, “you cooked, I clean.”

He piled our plates and bowls in one hand and grabbed the salad bowl with the other. He placed everything in the sink to be washed and came back for the casserole dish. As he bent over to grab the dish, he slowly leaned into me and pressed his lips softly to mine. They stayed there for a second, mine completely frozen with nervousness, before he slowly started to move his lips against mine, pulling back to take my top lip in between his. He leaned back in to press one more gentle kiss against my tentative lips before he pulled back to look down at me.

“Thank you,” he whispered as he cupped the left side of my face with his right hand, his thumb slowly rubbing over my cheek. “Thank you for making me dinner, and for calling me back.”

I lowered my head as my evil blush returned. “You’re welcome.” I felt him lightly kiss the top of my head before he took the last dish back into the kitchen and proceeded to open the fridge to get what I assumed were the cupcakes. I didn’t look up as he opened cupboard after cupboard until he found what he was looking for. I just sat there studying the napkin in my lap.

I couple of minutes later, Edward came back into the dining room, carrying two small plates and a large dinner plate with the cupcakes arranged in a concentric circular pattern. It looked like a little garden.

He sat down and offered me the first flower from our dessert garden. I picked a red rose and immediately picked off the icing flower to eat last.

We finished our cupcakes, me enjoying the pure sugar of the rose after the fluffy cupcake, and made our way into the living room for some coffee and a movie. Edward decided that since we watched my favorite movie the last time he was here, it was his turn to choose, and of course, being the typical guy, he chose one of the four action movie’s I had, Iron Man.

He popped in the movie and came to sit on my right side on the couch. We were sitting there watching the movie when I felt Edward put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me to lean into his left side. I timidly let him pull me closer to him, and eventually relaxed against his warm torso. His hand was rubbing up and down my bicep as he leaned over and kissed my right temple.

My face immediately dropped at the intimacy of our position but Edward seemed persistent that I not shy away from him. His hand went under my chin and tenderly brought my face up so that I was looking at him.

“Why do you hide from me every time I kiss you?”

“I…” I really didn’t want to get into the true reason behind my timidness right now, so I had to settle on a half-truth, hoping that it would be enough. “I’m not used to this type of attention.”

He looked at me as if I were crazy. His thumb brushed across the left side of my chin before he leaned in and gently kissed me. His lips were soft and warm against mine, but I was still anxious. I slowly kissed him back but was scared to put too much effort or desire into it just in case he wanted to deepen it, but I definitely desired this man. I liked the feel of Edward’s lips on mine. I had never felt this way during a kiss before. Jake’s kisses had always just been nice, but I felt like they were one sided. He would kiss me and I would simply reciprocate. Whereas with Edward, I could tell that he was hesitant because I was hesitant. He didn’t take, he gave. His kiss was never hard or demanding. His lips were always so gentle and plush.

Edward subtly took my top lip in between his again, allowing me to gently take his bottom in between mine. I could feel him wanting to deepen the kiss, but this was all I knew. If he deepened the kiss, I would be in unfamiliar territory, once again giving, while the other only took. I didn’t want that with Edward, so as soon as I felt the gentle brush of his tongue across my lip, I pulled back.

Edward just looked at me, longing in his eyes, also confusion and what I prayed was not hurt. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Edward when all he had ever done was be kind and gentle and patient with me. But I couldn’t look into his eyes anymore and see what could possibly be rejection in them. I didn’t want him to feel anything but appreciation for everything he had done. I lifted my left hand and placed it on his right, which was still holding my chin, and encompassed it in mine, giving it a gentle squeeze before I cuddled deeper into his left side and placed our now entwined hands in his lap.

We continued watching Iron Man, Edward sporadically placing gentle kisses on the top of my head until I fell asleep in his arms, leaning against his chest. I wasn’t sure how long I was asleep before I felt movement. I opened my eyes, still half asleep, to notice I was being carried upstairs. My eyes kept drifting closed, but I tried to fight them as Edward softly laid me down on my bed, covered me up and curled in behind me, holding me tight. I recognized that Edward was taking the liberty of inviting himself to spend the night, but I was too tired and too comfortable in his arms to complain.

Just before I drifted back to sleep, I felt Edward’s lips on my right shoulder, briefly placing an innocent kiss on my skin.

“Goodnight, Bella. Sleep well, I’ll be here to chase your demons away.”

CH 10 Teaser

Hello all you beautiful, beautiful readers.

Thank you so much for your support for CH 8 and 9. You have no idea how nervous I was about those chapters. I can do angst like no one's business, but romance...not so much. I'm just so happy that people are liking the Edward.

Again, I wanted to apologize for the delay in the chapters. For some reason, my validation time has gone from at some times 4 hours, to over a week. I'm debating asking for a new validation beta over at Twilighted but I'm not sure if they'll do that. Anyway, I'll continue to post here when I can, but I really don't want to get to ahead of Twilighted.

Alas, since we are a chapter ahead here, I might as well post the teaser

~~~

“It’s ok Bella. If you don’t want to go to dinner, that’s completely fine. I just thought that we had fun last night and I wanted to see you again. But please don’t feel pressured to agree if you don’t want to. I understand. Listen, I gotta go, Claire just got here, but call me…I guess…if you ever want to get together…” his voice trailed off at the end and it took my heart with it, going deeper and deeper, farther and farther away until the sound and my hope all but trailed off. He thought that I didn’t want to see him and he was retracting his offer. FIX THIS!!!! Tears immediately sprang to the back of my eyes at how easily he had just given up on me. All it took was a pause from me and he gave me the ‘call me…I guess…if you want to’ speech.

Before I could correct his misassumptions and agree to his dinner, the phone ‘clicked’ and the dial tone rang loud before the call dropped from my cell. I looked down at the phone and stared at the ‘phone time 6:13’that was flashing below his name. Not even ten minutes on the phone and I ruined it. I pushed away the first guy who’s shown me any true interest in years. No wonder I’m a virgin and have no friends.