Chapter 9 text

Chapter 9

I woke up to the sun dimly shining in my bedroom window, the entire restless night fresh in my mind and Edward spooning me. My eyes were sore and my face was dry from all the tears I had cried throughout the night. I felt like such an idiot when I thought about what happened the night before, and the fact that it happened in front of a perfect stranger. A perfect stranger who was incredibly sweet, and kind, and beautiful, and who held me tight and tried to kiss my tears away. I remembered the feeling of his soft lips on my forehead and couldn’t believe that I had only known this man for 15 hours. I tried to wiggle out of his arms to put some distance between me and this almost stranger but he tightened them when I started to pull away.

“Please don’t go” he whispered from behind me. “Are you ok?”

“Um…” I started by my throat was so dry from my sobs that it cracked in the middle, “Yea. Sorry about…last night”. I lowered my eyes, even though my back was to him and he couldn’t see me. I looked down and saw his arms wrapped around me. His right hand slowly started sliding from my side, down my arm and he placed his hand on top of mine. Then he threaded our fingers together.

“It’s ok”, he whispered, as he placed a tender kiss on my right shoulder, which made me jump slightly. I still wasn’t used to the feel of lips on my skin.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked after a short moment.

“No, not really.”

Edward continued to hold me for about a half an hour with neither one of us saying a word. His body was pressed gently into my back, reaffirming his support and hold on me, while I laid there completely motionless, and utterly unsure of what to do. I had no frame of reference for how I should react to laying in a bed, in a man’s arms. And although I couldn’t deny how nice it felt to finally be held, to have a solid form against my back and to be wrapped up in someone else’s arms, the newness of the situation and the doubt floating around my mind was paralyzing. And as such, all I was able to do was stare at the changing minutes of my clock.

I was slowly familiarizing myself to Edward, pretending that I was simply being wrapped tightly in a blanket, when Edward lifted up on his left elbow to look over my shoulder, attempting to peek at the clock on my side table.

“I need to go,” he groaned as he lowered himself back down behind me and once again tightened his arms around my body, threading our right hands together again. He reluctantly peeled himself out of my bed and walked around to the other side so that he was kneeling beside the bed in front of me. I followed Edward with my eyes but refrained from moving. Now that Edward’s body was no longer pressed against mine after being there all night, I felt like something was missing.

Edward kept his eyes on me as he lowered himself to kneel beside the bed and hesitantly cupped my face with his left hand, pushing a loose hair behind my ear.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” he softly asked.

“Yea, I’ll be fine,” I hedged, “it was just a really bad dream”.

“Ok,” he whispered, staring me longingly in the eyes. He rubbed his left thumb over my right cheekbone.

“Are you busy tonight? I’d like to see you again.” I was immediately embarrassed and couldn’t believe that Edward wanted to see me again after last night. There was no way that he was really interested. He was probably dying to get the hell away from my crazy ass, but was too polite to just leave. I didn’t bother answering his question as I squeezed my eyes shut and lowered my head deeper into the pillow and away from his hand.

An awkward silence stretched between us as Edward waited for my response and I waited for Edward to come back down to reality and realize that I really wasn’t the type of girl he wanted to see again.

“Bella?” he eventually asked with concern in his voice, “can I ask you something?”

I nodded, but didn’t look up.

“Why did you bring me back here with you last night?”

My breath caught in my chest, and tears stung behind my eyes. The truth behind why he was here in my house and why I didn’t want our encounter to end at the wedding was embarrassing and made me look even more pathetic than I clearly was.

I took a deep breath to try and clear the emotions that were rising in me before I answered Edward. Without looking up, I slowly opened my mouth to tell Edward the truth. “Because I didn’t want to be alone.”

“Is that the only reason?” I could hear the hurt in his voice. I had just basically told him that I used him so that I could have some company and that it had nothing to do with him at all. But that wasn’t the entire truth.

“No,” I hesitantly continued, “that’s not the only reason. I…you were so…sweet to me…and it has been a…a very long time since someone has noticed me, and…this is going to sound really selfish, but I didn’t want to have to go back to being a nobody. I liked feeling like a somebody for the short amount of time we were together at the wedding.”

I could feel Edward’s breath on my hair before I felt him lean in and place a kiss on top of my head.

“Bella,” he started as he gently lifted my chin so that I was looking at him again, “you’re not a nobody. I wouldn’t have danced with you, and talked to you, came back to your house and held you as you cried all night if you were a nobody. I did all those things because you’re somebody I find interesting and intriguing. Somebody I want to spend time with and that’s why I want to see you again tonight.”

“It’s ok, Edward, you don’t have to…”

“I know that I don’t have to see you again, Bella, but I don’t know if I have a choice. I want to see you again. I don’t want to leave now but I have to get to the hospital”. Startled by his comment, I sat up on my bed to face him, and pulled my pillow over my lap.

“What do you mean you don’t know if you have a choice?”

“Bella, there’s something here that I can’t ignore,” he started as his eyes swept over my face. “I felt it last night and I still feel it today. There’s something about you that just makes me want to get to know you more,” he grabbed both my hands in his, entwining our fingers and resting them on top of the pillow in my lap, “makes me want to stay here all day with you,” he gave my hands a light squeeze before he removed his hand from mine and once again cupped my face, slowly rubbing his thumb over my cheekbone, “makes me want to kiss you.” His voice was now a whisper as his thumb moved away from my cheekbone and slowly stared moving over my lower lip. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…

I instinctively looked down, wet my lips with my tongue and hesitantly lifted my eyes to once again find his staring into mine. His other hand came up to cradle my face, gently lifting it so that we were looking straight at each other. My eyes darted straight to his mouth as his tongue slowly poked out to wet his own lips. Holy shit!!! He’s going to kiss me. What the fuck do I do?

“Bella?” he whispered. I looked back into his eyes and saw the sincerity that they held. He wasn’t nice to me at the wedding because Jasper asked him to be, he didn’t stay last night because he felt he had to, he wasn’t holding me tight all night just for the hell of it. He wanted to be here, wanted to hold me and it was clear that he desperately wanted to kiss me.

My breath was moving fast through my lungs and my heart was pounding erratically. I hadn’t been kissed in 6 years, and here Edward was, someone I just barely knew, asking if he could kiss me. I didn’t know what to do as a million thoughts ran through my mind. Everything from ‘why does he want to kiss me?’ and ‘what if I’m a bad kisser’ to ‘what about morning breath?’. I worried about everything all within a matter of seconds, quickly weighing the pro’s and con’s of a single, innocent kiss. Who knows when the next offer might come along, if ever?

So with my eyes still locked to Edward’s, I simply nodded. A sly and incredibly sexy, crooked smile lit his face as he slowly moved closer to me. I leaned forward on the bed, bracing my hands on the mattress, hoping not to fall forward from that position. When his lips were just barely grazing mine, he whispered my name once more before he pressed his lips in softly against my own.

I mentally whimpered at the feeling associated with such an innocent action. It was startling how familiar and right this felt. The kiss was over in seconds, but the burning blaze left behind had my mouth tingling. His lips were so soft, so warm and languid. It was such an innocent kiss but it was full of honesty and I couldn’t deny the feeling behind it.

Edward pulled back to look at me, smiled and leaned in again for another soft kiss. Before I could register what my body was doing, I had lifted my hands from the mattress to remove the pillow that was still situated in my lap and lowered my crossed legs over the side of the bed on either side of Edward, shifting my body closer to him. His left hand slid from my cheek to the back of my neck, holding me close to him as his lips gradually and softly brushed against mine again and again.

The kiss remained closed lipped and chaste but the feelings behind it were not. My hands, of their own accord, slowly went up his chest and wrapped around his neck. With one more kiss, him taking my top lip into his mouth, and me his bottom, he reluctantly pulled his lips away, but pulled me closer to him so that his arms were wrapped around my body and his head rested on my left shoulder. I squeezed my eyes tightly closed to prevent the emotions I could feel building inside. I never thought a kiss could feel like that. But I can’t fall for this man, I so don’t deserve him. It’ll be just like Jake again. It was just a kiss, only a kiss.

I could feel Edward’s gentle breath on the side of my neck briefly before his lips tenderly placed a flutter of a kiss behind my left ear. This is too much, I’m going to get hurt again. Please just let this end before I get too deep.

“Bella, I have to go”. I pulled away from him and nodded. “Can I see you tonight?” Fuck! I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this. But of course, because for some reason, I loved torturing myself, I nodded again. What? So now I’m unable to talk around him and can only communicate with nods? What the hell?!

The sexy crooked smile returned to his face. He leaned in again for one last gentle kiss before he stood up from beside my bed. “I gotta go, but I’ll come by at around 7 ok?” I gave him a weak half smile, and answered with a soft “ok,” as I moved to get up and see him to the door.

As he walked down my front steps and to his shiny silver Volvo, I prayed that this was really just a dream, that this wasn’t reality. Because there was no way that in reality, a man like him would want someone like me. At least if this was a dream, I wouldn’t get my hopes up and end up getting my heart broken.

Once Edward’s car was out of sight, I went back into the house, locked the door behind me and went upstairs to get ready for my day.

I met Alice at the Café at 12:30 for our weekly lunch. And just like every other week, she was late. Our lunch was fairly innocent but I was glad I got to see her one more time before she left on her three week honeymoon.

“So,” I started as I stabbed a piece of chicken from my spinach salad, “what’s it like to finally be Mrs. Whitlock?”

Alice’s face lit up with the most serene and blissful smile I had ever seen. She lowered her eyes from mine and shook her head.

“It’s perfect,” she whispered as she looked back up at me. “And although nothing has really changed with how we live and who we are, at the same time, everything has. I’m married, I have a husband. I’m someone’s wife. Jasper chose me…forever.” She had a faraway look as she finished her sentence, looking completely shocked but incredibly happy.

“So you think you made a good choice in picking Jasper for your first husband?”

Alice just looked at me, laughed and nodded. “An excellent choice for my first husband.” It had been a joke that Alice and I had when she was dating guys in College. We always found that there were certain things we liked about them, things that would make a good first husband, but there were also things that we discovered that we didn’t like that made them definitely not ‘long term’ worthy.

Alice and I continued talking about the wedding, how everything went perfectly and how she couldn’t believe that Jasper cried. She talked about what happened after I left, but never brought up how I acted and how I had left in tears, for which I was eternally grateful.

Our lunch ended quickly as Alice and Jasper were set to be heading off on their honeymoon as soon as Emmett and Rose dropped off their surprise transportation at 2:00. Alice and Jazz still thought that they were borrowing Emmett’s Jeep Wrangler so that they could fit all of Alice’s luggage in it, since it definitely wouldn’t all fit in her Mini and there was no way that Alice would spend her three-week honeymoon driving around in Jasper’s truck.

I followed Alice home to say a final ‘bon voyage’ to both her and Jasper and laughed my face off when she pulled into the driveway to see the classic yellow Porsche sitting there with a huge pink bow on top. Alice jumped out of her Mini, ran over to the Porsche and literally hugged the hood. Jasper, Rose and Emmett came running out of the house at Alice’s screams of joy and joined me in laughter as Alice proceeded to kiss the hood. What is it with this girl and yellow cars? Wait until she finds out she gets to keep it.

“So I guess you like it?” Emmett asked as he walked up to his sister.

“You jerk!” she said as she turned and smacked his arm, “you could have told me we were going to be driving in style. I’ve been resenting the fact that I had to spend my honeymoon in your stinky Jeep for weeks!”

Alice threw her arms around her brother, encompassing him in a huge hug and whispering her thanks to him as Jasper went back into the house to finish loading the car.

As Alice ran around the house doing a last minute check and giving instructions to Emmett and Rose, who were going to be checking up on the house every couple of days, Jasper closed the trunk of the Porsche and slowly made his way over to me.

“Hey,” he softly said as he came to stop right in front of me.

“Hey.”

“Listen, Bella. I know that you probably don’t want to talk about it right now, but if you want to discuss what happened last night that caused you to leave in tears, just know that I’m here for you. Alice and I will be calling back every couple of days to check messages, so feel free to leave one if you need to talk. I can’t guarantee that I’ll get back to you right away, but I will call you back. I promise.”

I thought about Jasper’s offer and although I appreciated the fact that he was willing to be available to me when he was on his honeymoon, it saddened me a bit that this was the only ‘follow-up’ discussion to our original talk we had a couple of days ago. Alice and Jasper said that they'd help me get better, had begged for me to open up to them and take the support they were offering, but besides asking if I was doing ok, they haven't really done anything else. I wasn’t really sure how committed either of them were about helping me. I knew that I couldn’t rely on them to magically fix me, that I had to work hard to push down the feelings of depression and loneliness that I was used to, but Alice and Jasper had literally pleaded with me to open up and get some help and now that I had, it was as if the conversation, the tears and the emotions had never happened. I didn’t get any of the support, the advice, the direction, words of wisdom or encouragement I thought I would. I was only told to stop over analyzing everything. Once again, I felt like I was alone in this battle.

“Thanks Jasper,” I answered, trying to be grateful that at least someone was thinking about me.

With a small smile, he walked back to the Porsche where everyone said their ‘good-byes’ and wished the happy couple a good honeymoon.

With a small smile, he walked back to the Porsche where everyone said their ‘good-byes’ and wished the happy couple a good honeymoon.

I drove straight home after Jasper and Alice were out of sight and went directly to my bedroom. I opened my closet door and then sat on my bad, staring. Ok, date with Edward. Scary? Yes. Want to throw up? Hell yes. Wish you would have told Alice so she could have figured out what you should wear? Definitely!

I spent the next three hours trying on literally every single article of clothing I had, minus pajamas and bathing suits. I tried on dresses, skirts, shorts, capris, pants, tank tops, t-shirts, blouses. Everything. This was my first real date ever and I was completely panicked. And on top of that, Edward hadn’t told me where we were going or what we were doing so I wasn’t sure how dressy I needed to be. I figured that if I was supposed to dress up, he would have given me some warning.

I still hadn’t decided what to wear when I noticed it was already 5:00. I momentarily gave up and went downstairs to eat something. I searched all my food reservoirs and ended up simply snacking on some left over spaghetti from Thursday night. I hated not knowing if we were going out to dinner. I hated surprises. Unfortunately, this was already a tick against Edward.

I quickly finished eating and jumped in the shower. By 5:47, I found myself sitting on my bed, but this time, staring at the clothing that surrounded me. I had pulled everything out of my closet and threw it all on my bed when I vetoed the outfits. I finally gave up and just grabbed the first things that I saw. I quickly got dressed and tried to do something with my hair, but just ended up letting it dry naturally so that the waves could come out and then I let it hang loose.

At 6:54, just as I was putting on my earrings, my doorbell sounded throughout my house and I started to panic once again. I took one quick look in the mirror, grabbed my purse and made my way downstairs to answer the door. Holy hell, this is really happening.

I stood in front of my door and looked through the side window. Edward was standing there on the other side of the closed door in a pair of faded black jeans and a short sleeved, black button up top. The shirt fit him perfectly, showing off his broad shoulders. He was looking down and it looked like he was mumbling something to himself. I slowly reached my hand for the doorknob and twisted it open just as he looked up at me through his lashes with a breath taking smile on his beautifully soft lips.

“Hi,” he smiled as I opened the door wider to see him fully. I was so captivated by his green eyes and crazy hair that I barely registered his voice.

“Hi,” I weakly breathed back. I didn’t even notice the bundle of white gerbera daisies that he was holding until he took a step forward, kissed me on the cheek and whispered “these are for you” before he gently pushed them forward for me to take. There were about a dozen of these beautiful white flowers, tied together with a simple black ribbon. As I took the flowers and brought them up to my nose, I noticed that Edward had stepped back and was slowly taking in my appearance. I had decided on a pair of dark blue jeans and a shiny satin, tied neck, gold sleeveless top. It was one of my fancier shirts since, again, I didn’t know what to expect of our ‘date’, but looked casual enough with the jeans, gold earrings and sandals I was wearing.

“Thank you, Edward. The flowers are amazing.” His eyes snapped back up to mine as if he hadn’t even realized he was staring at me.

“Um…you’re welcome. Bella, you look beautiful.” I blushed immediately and lowered my face to hide my red cheeks from him. My beautiful count is now at 1.

“Thanks,” I replied quietly as I moved into the house, “I should put these in water.” I left the front door open and turned to make sure that he was following me into the house.

“Do you want something to drink?” I asked as I entered the kitchen. He shook his head and followed me in while I searched around for a vase.

“No, I’m ok. Thanks though.”

“So, what are we doing tonight?” I asked as I filled the vase with water and placed the flowers on my dining room table.

“Well,” Edward started, as he made his way deeper into the kitchen to stand in front of me, “I would like to keep it a surprise if that’s ok”. He took a step closer to me, taking my hands in his, rubbing his thumbs across my knuckles.

“I hate surprises,” I told him weakly as I backed up to the counter with him following slowly behind. I wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but I couldn’t take my eyes off him. There was something about him that pulled me in. And although we had only known each other for one day, I was drawn to him. We had already kissed, which was huge for me. I wasn’t sure if I trusted or liked this feeling.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said, taking one more step closer to me, “but I promise if you don’t like it, we’ll leave and do something else.”

By the time he was finished talking, we were so close that our entire bodies were practically touching. Edward dropped my hand and brought his up to the side of my face to gently push a tendril of hair behind my ear.

“Beautiful” he whispered as he cupped my face. My eyes darted to his lips as his tongue slowly peeked out to wet them. Edward hesitantly leaned forward, still cupping the left side of my face, until his lips tenderly met mine. He kissed me innocently and softly, for only a second before he slowly pulled away.

“I’ve been thinking about doing that all day,” he said as he gradually backed away and looked down into my eyes, taking my hand in his again. I didn’t really know what to say to that, so I simply forced a smile up at him before he started to walk back towards the door.

“You ready to go?”

“Um…yea.” I said, shaking my head to clear it. I grabbed my purse from the landing and my keys from the bowl on the table by the door. We walked to his car and I noticed there were blankets and a huge covered basket in the back seat of the Volvo as he held the door open for me.

“Are we going to have a picnic?” I asked when Edward entered on his side and my gaze took him in. He just smiled at me and started his car. We pulled out of my driveway and headed down E Madison Street towards Lake Union.

“So,” Edward started, “how was your day?” I told him about my lunch with Alice, her send off and how she flipped out over the Porsche. He smiled and laughed at the images I painted.

When I asked him about how his day was at the hospital, he told me about one of the patients he met today. He was so excited when he spoke about his work that I couldn’t help but get captivated in every story he told. As we crossed under the I-5, I was so lost in his story about Jeremy Miller and how Edward was teaching him to play piano to help with the rehabilitation in his hands that I completely forgot about the basket and blankets in the back. It wasn’t until we pulled into the parking lot that I stopped and looked around.

There were people sitting everywhere, eating and drinking, but everyone was sitting on the ground in front of a large white blowup ‘thing’.

“Where are we?” I asked as I kept looking around for clues. There were people scattered all around, music blaring, and little white tents everywhere. The most puzzling thing was why people were sitting in front of this blowup ‘thing’. Seriously, it looks like people are just staring at a large marshmallow.

Edward just smirked at me, got out of the car and came to my side to open the door. “I told you, Bella, it’s a surprise.” After he helped me out, he reached to the back seat, took out the blankets, three in all, and the large basket. He loaded everything onto his left arm and rested his right arm on my lower back. “Let’s go find a seat,” he said as he led me into the throngs of people.

Edward didn’t stop walking until we were near the back of the fenced in lawn, away from the majority of the crowd. He removed his hand from my back and placed the basket and blankets on the ground. He picked up what I now realized was a sleeping bag, opened it up and laid it out. “Sit” he said with a broad smile on his face. I warily obliged and slowly lowered myself onto the sleeping bag.

As I finally sat down, I looked up to realize we were facing the big white ‘thing’, only now I could tell that it was a huge blow-up movie screen with ‘Cinema on the Lawn’ written across the top.

“We’re watching a movie?” I asked, my eyes following Edward as he lowered himself beside me and brought the basket in front of him.

“And having a picnic,” he noted. He proceeded to pull out strawberries, crackers, cheese, grapes, chocolate, gummy worms and veggies and dip out of the basket, spreading it out before us on the sleeping bag.

“I hope you’re hungry,” he smirked as he took in my surprised expression. I just looked at him and laughed.

“How many people are you expecting to feed?”

“I just wanted to make sure that you had a variety to choose from.” He smiled down at me as he went for more from the basket.

“You’re kidding right? There can’t be more food in there.” Edward smiled back at me as he pulled out a bottle of water and a bottle of apple juice.

“No more food, but there is still plenty to choose from.” He nodded towards the basket for me to look inside. I got up on my knees to look in and saw more bottles of water, pop and juice.

“Just making sure there’s a variety?” I questioned in a baffled laugh as I took my seat beside him again.

He smiled at me and held out the water and juice. “Just making sure there’s a variety,” he confirmed as I picked the bottle of juice from his hand.

We sat and continued our talk about our respective days. It surprised me that I was actually getting comfortable being around Edward and found myself engaging equally in our conversation, something that I rarely ever did, even with Alice. Eventually, I asked about what movie we were seeing and found out that Edward had no idea what the movie was as he liked to be surprised. We sat and talked and ate and drank until it was dark enough for the movie to start playing. The music that had been blaring through the speakers faded out and a voice came over the airwaves.

“Ladies and gentlemen, if you could kindly take your seats, the movie will begin momentarily”.

Edward and I finished our conversation and started packing up the food. I quickly grabbed the gummy worms before they were placed back in the basket.

“Do you want those for the movie or did you want me to get us some popcorn?” Edward asked as a sly smile graced his lips.

“The gummies are good. I love popcorn but it always gets stuck in my teeth.” Edward just laughed and finished packing everything up, moving the basket off to the side. He then reached forward and grabbed the remaining two blankets. He rolled one up and handed it to me. “In case you wanted a pillow or something,” he said with a smile.

“Thanks” I said as I took the blanket and set it behind me. I was perfectly comfortable sitting up for the moment, but I always ended up laying down when I watched a movie.

The screen before us lit up and the crackly sound of old western music started through the speakers. The screen instantly shone with the old “Universal” logo which faded to the title of the movie, then to a shot of Kevin Bacon looking over a canyon wall. The crowd erupted in cheers and I looked at Edward enthusiastically.

“I love this movie!!!” I exclaimed as I grabbed another gummy worm from the tub and bit its head off.

An excited smile spread on Edward’s face. “I don’t think there is anything more entertaining than graboids.”

“I totally agree,” I laughed up at him as we got comfortable on our sleeping bag.

Tremors was one of my favorite movies from the 90’s. It was a guilty pleasure of mine. Although it wasn’t created as a comedy, and was actually supposed to be a sci-fi horror film, it was incredibly entertaining and you couldn’t help but laugh at its cheesiness. Edward and I watched in complete comfort, laughing at the exact same moments and even saying some of the lines back and forth. It wasn’t until a gust of wind blew across my bare arms that I realized I was actually getting a little cold and shivered.

“You cold?” Edward asked as he sat up straight. We had both been leaning back on our elbows so that we had a better view of the screen.

“Just a bit,” I said as I went to grab the rolled up blanket that was still behind me.

“Here,” Edward said as he laid his rolled up blanket over us both, “I’m kinda getting chilly too. I should have told you to bring a sweater. Sorry.”

“It’s ok, the blanket should be warm enough”.

“Well, just in case it isn’t…” Edward started, as he took my right arm and slowly pulled me down to lay beside him on the sleeping bag, drawing me close into his body, “I’ll keep you warm” he finished as he looked down at me and placed a tiny kiss on my forehead. I just looked over at him and gave him a small, semi-forced smiled before I hesitantly rested my head on his chest. Edward grabbed the rolled up blanket from behind me and placed it under his head as a pillow.

We stayed that way for the rest of the movie, curled up together on a sleeping bag, tucked beneath a soft blanket, lying under the stars, with Edward placing sporadic kisses on the top of my head. I wasn’t sure I was completely comfortable with the amount of affection he was already showing me, as everything that had happened yesterday and today between Edward and I was completely new to me, but I outwardly accepted it and freaked out mentally whenever there was another kiss, or a gentle touch, knowing that I would be able to freak out fully when I got home.

As the final scene played across the huge white movie screen, the audience started clapping and gathering their things. I, on the other hand, just snuggled closer into Edward’s warm body, unable to deny the comfort I felt. Edward pressed his lips against the top of my head again as he asked “you ok down there?” against my hair. I just nodded and watched the credits. Edward leaned back to get a better look at me.

“You sure you’re ok?” he questioned as he took in my conflicted expression.

“Yea, I…” I stopped and took a steadying breath, preparing to be honest with him. “I just don’t want to leave. I don’t want this to end.”

I knew that what I was saying was contradictory, as I was freaking out about every touch and every kiss I got from Edward, but I couldn’t lie to myself about how I felt in his arms, even laying on the hard ground in the cold night. Edward sank back down onto the sleeping bag and pulled me closer. “I know, me neither.” he whispered.

After the final credits rolled and the majority of the cars were pulling out of the parking lot, I felt Edward’s fingers under my chin lifting up my face to meet his. I was greeted with a small smile and longing eyes.

“Hi” he whispered.

“Hi” I answered as he pressed his lips to mine in a slow but very needy kiss. He took my bottom lip in between his and slowly ran his right hand through my mess of curls. I quickly pulled away, tucking my head down and away from his lips, uncomfortable with the intensity of the kiss and the amount of affection being shown to me.

Edward stayed there, completely silent, presumably trying to gauge my reaction. “Come on,” he finally said, “let’s get you home and warmed up.”

We both reluctantly untangled ourselves and stood up, allowing the blanket to fall on the ground and the cold night air to attack my uncovered arms. Before I even shivered, Edward had bent down to get the fallen blanket and wrapped it around me, before kissing me on the forehead and picking up the rest of our stuff.

The ride home was quiet, but not awkward quiet, just easy quiet. I still didn’t really know Edward and yet, it wasn’t uncomfortable in the silence. Edward walked me to my door, insisting I keep the blanket wrapped around me until I got into the house. He did, however, put his right hand on my lower back, and led me all the way to my front step.

“Thank you for a great night, Edward” I said with a slight blush rising in my cheeks. I had never been on a proper date before and didn’t know what the proper protocol was for the ‘goodnight-after-the-first-date’. Do I invite him in? Do I kiss him? Do I do nothing and wait for him to do something? Or do I just open the door and run inside? Before I could finalize my decision to open the door and run, Edward was up on the step in front of me with his arms around my waist and his forehead leaning against mine.

“I had a great time too.” He was staring me in the eyes as he tentatively leaned in and kissed me. It was as soft as our first kiss that morning, but I could feel Edward’s longing to slowly deepen the kiss, although he made no move to do so. Again, I pulled away first, afraid of what he was expecting from me. I don’t know what I’m doing here.

He rested his forehead against mine again as he looked down at me. I had to lower my eyes as I was so scared that I was doing something wrong and that I was wrecking our perfect date. I could feel goose bumps prickle up my arms and legs as my heart started to race in panic.

“I should go,” he said in a soft, soothing voice, “I have an early shift in the clinic tomorrow.”

“Ok” I whispered softly as I nodded, internally thankful that I didn’t have to deal with inviting him in.

“Can I call you tomorrow?” he asked as he pulled away to look at me. His face looked so content, relaxed and genuinely happy. He eyes were shinning in the way he was looking at me. Shit, I don’t know. Next time we say goodnight, is he going to expect something? This is all happening WAY too fast. Fuck, a man like Edward is probably someone who always gets what he wants, and taking things slow is most definitely not something a man as beautiful as him has probably EVER had to do.

I continued to look up at him and I realized that I was completely getting lost in him. You’re going to get hurt. Don’t do it. He’ll laugh and run away when he finds out just how inexperienced you are.

I could feel the tears prickling behind my eyes. It was either I give him my number and regret it when he either a) didn’t call, or b) called and realized I was so not worth it or don’t give him my number and regret it and continue to live my life completely unwanted and invisible. Fuck, which is worse, humiliation by another, or self inflicted loneliness? I nodded in response to his question as he leaned in and kissed my forehead.

He took out his cell phone and I immediately grabbed it from him. I entered my name and number into it without a word and sent myself a text so that I would have his number too. As I handed Edward back his phone, I noticed that he’d been watching me with amused but also confused eyes. I blushed a bright shade of pink and lowered my head to examine the excitement that was my shoes.

“Ok,” he chuckled, as he pressed a soft kiss to the top of my head, “I’ll call you tomorrow. Sleep well, Bella”. With that, he turned and walked away, got in his car and waved before he drove off, the exact same exit he had made that morning. I stepped through the door and kicked off my shoes before I realized that I was still clutching onto Edward’s blanket. I unwrapped the blanket from around my body and placed it on the bottom step of my staircase as I made my way upstairs to settle myself into bed for another night of uncertain dreams.