Chapter 11 text

Tuesday, July 13

I felt strange waking up. Something was off, was different. I was warmer than normal and my soft, plush pillow kept moving under me. On top of that, I felt safe, relieved and for some reason, a feeling of ‘home’ was radiating inside of me.

I slowly opened my eyes, grabbing the bed sheets in my hands as I stretched, and was met with bright white. What the…my bed sheets are navy blue. I slowly lifted up my head and looked down. My hands weren’t fisted around my bed sheets, they were fisted in Edward’s shirt, and my moving pillow wasn’t a pillow, it was Edward’s strong chest. I looked at the body under me, his right arm wrapped around me while his left arm hit the snooze button on my alarm clock and then came back to encircle my other side. His body shifted onto his right side, so that we were now facing each other, and his arms tightened even further around my back and shoulders, causing my left cheek to press against his muscled chest. He placed a sleepy kiss on the top of my head before his breathing evened out and a soft snore emanated from his lips.

His grip on me loosened as he drifted deeper and deeper back to sleep and I was able to pull back and take a good look at the position we were in. My hands were still clinging to his shirt as if it were a lifeline, his arms were securely wrapped around my back and shoulder, holding me safely in his protection. I flexed the muscles in my legs, not wanting to wake him and found that both our legs were a tangle of limbs under the blanket, my left leg pressed up against his right, while my right leg was in between both of his. Finally, I looked up and stared at his beautiful face lying on my pillow, completely peaceful and serene and comfortable in my bed. His welcoming lips were slightly parted, his eyes shut with his eyelashes dancing on his chiseled cheekbones and his mop of hair even more wild and appealing than before.

I slowly reached up, gaining confidence in the fact that he was asleep, and gently took a strand of his hair between my fingers. It was the softest hair I had ever felt, pure silk. I looked back at his closed eyes and I ran my fingers lightly through his hair, starting at his left temple. A small smile spread across his lips as a tiny moan escaped his mouth. My fingers continued their journey through his hair, gently brushing it away from his beautiful face. It was amazing to be able to really study him and not worry that he was studying me in return. He really was…beautiful. The most beautiful person I had ever met, both inside and out.

“mmm…that feels nice.”

His voice startled me while I was messing with his hair. My fingers immediately stopped their movement and my eyes shot down to his. His eyes were fluttering open and his body was starting to stir beside me.

“Bella…” he whispered as his arms once again tightened around me, pulling me closer to his body. His lips found the softness of my left shoulder before his eyes finally opened to meet mine. The green that shone brightly back at me was startlingly brilliant. They sparkled in the sun that crept through my window and the smile that lifted his lips made him look completely happy.

“Good morning, beautiful,” he said as he hugged me tighter and kissed the side of my neck. I could feel his muscles tightening all the way down his body as he stretched before immediately relaxing.

“Morning,” I whispered back, slowly dragging my fingers out of his hair and replacing my hand on his chest.

We silently stared at each other, taking in the new morning and the person in front of us. Edward lifted his hand and slowly pushed a piece of hair behind my ear before cradling my cheek.

“Are you ok?” His eyes immediately shifted from being peaceful to being concerned.

I simply nodded at him, wondering why he was asking if I was ok.

“You want to talk about it?” he asked, confusing me once again.

“Talk about what?”

“Your nightmare.”

I was utterly confused. I didn’t remember having a nightmare last night. I remembered falling asleep on the couch, partially waking up as Edward took me to bed and sleeping soundly for the first time in years until waking up a couple of minutes ago. My confusion must have been apparent on my face as Edward answered my unasked question.

“Last night, when we were watching the movie, you fell asleep on my chest and starting having a nightmare. You started shaking, whimpering and crying. You kept saying things like ‘please don’t leave me’, ‘don’t go’, ‘why am I not good enough?’ and you kept begging ‘please’ over and over again.”

I stared at him in complete shock. I didn’t remember having a nightmare last night, but from what he told me, it sounded like one I had had numerous times in the past. It was the one where I was locked in a 20x20 Plexiglas box, with everyone I knew standing around looking in at me. I was trapped and no one would let me out. It was like a large, clear prison cell, where no matter where I looked, it only showed the larger, darker room where my clear prison sat. My parents were there, Alice and Jasper, Angela and Ben, Mike and Jess, Em and Rose and even Jake was there. They all had their backs to me, slowly walking away, leaving me alone in the glass prison. The only person who looked at me was Jake, but the look on his face was complete indifference, as he slowly backed out of the room and left me in that clear cell.  

 I just stared at Edward as the dream I had been having for years quickly flashed in my mind. As the re-cap ended, I met Edward’s eyes and saw the worry in them.

“You don’t remember?” he asked, continuing to run his thumb over my cheek.

“No,” I whispered as I continued to look at him. His words from last night sounded in my head. “Goodnight Bella. Sleep well, I’ll be here to chase your demons away.” He had stayed to take care of me, to hold me and to make sure that my dreams didn’t come back.

“Bella, you’ve had two nightmares that have brought you to tears since I’ve known you. I just…I’m worried about you. Last night you were clinging to me so tightly, begging someone to stay, but when we’re together, you’re always pushing me away, hiding from me, acting as if you’re scared of me. I feel like you want me around, but at the same time, you’re creating this distance and barrier that I don’t understand. How can you cling to me so tightly in your sleep but push me away when you’re awake? What’s going on?”

I could feel the tears building behind my eyes as one slipped down my cheek onto the pillow. He brought his hand up to wipe it away and just held my face comfortingly.

“I don’t mean to push you away…this is just…I don’t know.” I looked away from him as he continued to wipe my tears away. His worry for me and his concern were clear as day. He really did care and wanted to make sure I was ok. “You stayed to make sure I didn’t have any more bad dreams,” I said more to myself than to him, but loud enough that I was sure he heard.

“No,” he gently said, wiping away a rogue tear as he lifted my eyes to meet his, “I stayed because I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t walk out that door after seeing you shake like that and hearing the tears in your voice. I couldn’t leave until I knew you would be ok. It broke my heart the first time you had a nightmare and I couldn’t leave you then, just like I couldn’t leave you last night. I needed to protect you.”

I looked into his deep eyes and couldn’t deny the feelings that came rushing in. He wanted to protect me, even from something that he had no control over. I slowly lifted my hand and cupped his cheek, and for the first time, I took the initiative and leaned up to kiss Edward.

“Thank you,” I softly said as I leisurely pulled my lips away from his.

We both got out of bed after that and I quickly jumped in the shower as Edward went downstairs to make us some coffee. I showered in a hurry, and ran to my bedroom to get dressed for the day. I slipped on a tan, short sleeved wrap dress that had tiny cut out’s where you could see the layer underneath. Simple, but very Alice. I guess I should get her something for fixing my wardrobe, and I guess she can keep my emergency key.

I walked out of my room, almost tripping over Edward’s duffle bag that I hadn’t even noticed sitting at the end of the bed and down the stairs to find Edward sitting at the kitchen table in blue jeans and a navy and white checkered t-shirt, coffee in hand and cupcake wrapper in front of him. He looked up from the paper he must have gotten from my front door and smiled as I sat beside him and took a sip of the coffee that was waiting for me.

“Wow, you look beautiful,” he smiled at me and leaned over to kiss my temple. We talked over breakfast before I had to leave for work. He had the day off and was planning on visiting his parents, but asked me to call as soon as I was done class so that he could come over.

I didn’t even remember what I was supposed to teach today. The past three days had been so…life altering, for a lack of a better word, that I didn’t even remember creating a lesson plan. I pulled into the school parking lot and decided that it would be a perfect day to do nothing. Sometimes when I was working with students, it was better to go with the flow then to force a lesson. It was a Tuesday, hot and muggy and they were busy working on their chapter re-writes from a different point of view.

So as I entered the class, and got the students settled down, I gave them the option; they could either use today to work on their chapter, or we could play games. Of course the students knew what kind of games we would be playing, they would be educational in nature and focus on human interaction, but it was still better than staring at a computer screen all day. So all the students got up and we went outside for a game day.

“Alright everyone, let’s make a huge circle.” I yelled out as soon as we were all standing in the middle of the football field. Everyone quickly got into formation and waited for further instructions.

“Ok,” I started as I walked around the inside of the circle, “so for this activity, everyone is going to have to close their eyes. I’m going to say a word, and I want you to pose like the very first image that comes to mind.” All the students started laughing and chatting between each other, guessing about the different poses that they would have to make.

“Now,” I continued, “the most important thing to remember is that I want you to pose like the very first image that comes to mind. That means you can’t censor.”

As soon as the students calmed down we started the game. Everyone closed their eyes and got ready for the first word.

“Angry,” I said and immediately everyone scrunched up their faces into angry scowls and either balled their hand up into fists, crossed their arms over their chests or gave me the finger.

“Ok, hold your pose and….open”. Everyone opened their eyes and started laughing at the commonality of the poses. “Ok, back to a neutral pose and eyes closed.” All the students closed their eyes and readied themselves for the next word.

“Scared,” I said and had to laugh at the cowering bodies and covered mouths. “Ok, open your eyes.” Everyone looked around and laughed at the frightened looks everyone had, except for Jason, he was just standing there, not posing at all. “Ok, so Jason, why didn’t you pose?” I asked as we observed his ‘nonchalance’.

 “I don’t get scared,” he answered in a manly voice that made everyone laugh or say ‘yea right’.

“Ok, ok..” I interrupted and moved onto the next pose. There was ‘woman’, for which everyone popped their hip out and twirled their hair, ‘man’, for which everyone flexed their muscles, ‘old’, for which everyone hunched over and held their backs, ‘nerd’, for which everyone pretended to push up their glasses and pulled up their pants and many others. But no matter what word I said, most of the students posed the same. After the final pose of ‘teenager’ where some students posed playing video games, while others just pointed to themselves, everyone had a seat on the grass to talk about the game.

“So why did I choose this game?” I asked as I took a seat in the circle amongst the students. The students immediately started to shout out different answers.

“To see how we see others.”

“To show how society sees people.”

“To make us embarrass ourselves.”

“Stereotypes,” a small voice called out.

“Excellent,” I called after one of the students called out the exact word I was looking for, “who said stereotypes?”

Tess, a very quiet girl reluctantly raised her hand across from me.

“Now why would you say stereotypes?” I asked, trying to encourage her to open up and share her ideas. Tess was a brilliant student, but rarely participated, I assumed in fear of humiliation in front of others.

“Well,” she hedged, “a stereotype is when you take one idea and apply it to everyone in that group and that’s what we were doing. You said a word and we all thought of the most distinguishable characteristic to pose as.”

“Perfectly said, Tess,” I praised as a shy smile crept over her face. “Now, I want you to think about your poses and where you got those ideas from.” The students were quiet before someone called out “the media”.

“Alright, now I want you to take what Tess said and put the pieces together.” The students were quiet before a tentative hand raised to my left.

“Heidi?”

“Well, if it has to do with media, and with what Tess said, how we posed like the most distinguishable characteristic, then I guess the media is creating all the stereotypes to categorize people. All the poses we did were extreme, and I guess the media is kinda controlling how we view others.”

“Excellent.” Heidi smiled at me as her friends smiled at her. “Now, what do you think this has to do with writing and literature?” I knew that it was an obscure question, but these students were smart and I knew that they would put the pieces together if given the opportunity. Finally, to my extreme joy, Tess raised her hand.

“Well, if we are saying that the media is controlling how we view people, then I guess literature and our writing is also. If we always have a male hero in our stories, it’s creating stereotypes that women can’t be the hero’s. In the stories that we wrote, we could have been putting stereotypes in there, influencing other’s ideas and not even realize it. We could be limiting people and creating a restrictive environment for our characters. I guess as writers, we have a responsibility to be honest to our characters and not always follow what society dictates. We all posed with our hands on our hips for women, twirling our hair, but I don’t know a single female who actually does that.”

The girls in the class cheered on Tess, agreeing with her comments. We continued our discussion about the unrealistic expectations that we see or read about until lunch time. After the students had their break, I gave them the rest of the class to work on their point of view pieces, hopefully having imparted some knowledge and something for them to think about in their own writing, during our game.

For the remainder of the afternoon, I sat at my desk and pretended to work. In reality, I was thinking about Edward and the nightmare he said I had. It was disturbing that I didn’t even remember having it, yet I still knew which dream he was talking about. That dream was one of my worst nightmares, just reiterating again and again how I wasn’t wanted and how I wasn’t good enough for my family, my friends, and of course, how I was never good enough for Jake. The dream kept playing over and over in my mind in perfect clarity until I heard one of the students call my name.

“Miss Swan?”

I looked up to see the entire class staring at me.

“It’s 1:11 Miss Swan. Can we go?”

“Oh…um…yes. Of course. Sorry guys, my mind was pre-occupied.”

The class shut off their computers, gathered their stuff and left the room. I couldn’t believe that I was so enwrapped in the memory of the dream that I didn’t even notice that class had already finished. I quickly packed up my stuff and gave Edward a call just as I was reaching my truck, telling him that I was finally leaving.

I drove home in a daze, still wondering what had brought on the nightmare that I couldn’t remember. I hated that dream. It always left me feeling abandoned and rejected the whole day. And until Edward brought up my words from last night, I had been feeling fine, blissful in fact. But now I couldn’t get the images out of my head.

I pulled into my driveway, not even realizing that I had made my way home, and saw Edward leaning against the hood of his car, a box of pizza resting beside him. Immediately, a smile came across my face. If anyone can get rid of my loneliness and bad dreams, it seems to be Edward.

He pushed himself off his hood and came to open up my door for me, helping me out of my truck and tucking me into a hug.

“Hey you,” he whispered into my hair as he placed a light kiss on the left side of my head,
“how was your class?”

“It was good,” I told him as I pulled away to get my bag from inside my truck, “we just played games and they worked on their stories.”

Edward took my bag from me, throwing it over his left shoulder, and then he took my hand and led me to the front door, stopping to grab the pizza on the way. We decided to sit out back while we ate so we could enjoy the weather. We sat at my small two chair patio set as Edward told me about his visit with his parents. From what he said, they sounded like great people.

After Edward told me about his visit, a nervous look appeared on his face and he started squirming in his seat.

“Edward?” I asked, as I was worried I had said something wrong.

“Can I ask you something?” he asked nervously, facing me with worry in his eyes. I just nodded for him to continue.

 “Who was he?” he hedged.

 “Who?”

 “The guy who broke your heart and made you hate men?”

I just stared at him in shock. Never in a million years would I have thought that that would have been the question on Edward’s mind. I quickly cleared my throat before replying to his questions, trying to evade this conversation as much as possible. “What are you talking about?”

“Last night, you kept saying ‘I’m not good enough am I?’ and you kept asking someone to ‘please stay’. Between that and how you react when I kiss you, it’s pretty obvious that someone hurt you.”

 “I don’t hate men,” I tried to once again detour the conversation. I really didn’t want to talk about Jake.

“Bella…”

“I don’t Edward. I don’t hate men… I just don’t trust them.”

“Why not?”

“It’s a long story, and I don’t really want to get into it.” I got up to take the remaining pizza inside, but Edward stopped me by gently grasping my left wrist as I started to gather the box.

“Bella…please? I just want to make sure you’re alright. And from the way you keep shying away from me, especially when I kiss you, I’m starting to get the feeling that maybe you don’t feel the same way I feel about you, that maybe you don’t like where this is going.”

I took a deep breath and sat back down. Might as well tell him now before I fall for him any further. He’s a good man and deserves to know what he’s getting himself into so that he can get himself out before we become too close. Tears started to form behind my eyes, knowing that the sooner I started revealing my past, the quicker he would run. He probably wouldn’t run after finding out about Jake, but a conversation about Jake would lead to other conversations that would definitely make him run.

“Jacob,” I started after a long pause, “his name is Jacob.” I lowered myself further into my chair and lowered my head. I heard Edward’s chair scrape beside me until he was directly on my left. He took his hand and softly placed it on my leg before taking my hand in his and giving it an encouraging squeeze.

“I met Jake when I was really little. My dad and his dad were best friends. When I was thirteen, I started to have feelings for him. He was the first boy to ever show me any attention, the first boy I ever kissed. Over the years, we hung out on and off. We never dated though, Jake never wanted that. He went to a school on the reservation so we really only saw each other on the odd weekend, holidays and in the summer. And when we did see each other, Jake always wanted to fool around and ‘have fun’ as he put it. He knew how I felt about him, and he used it to get me to hang out with him and fool around with him whenever he broke up with a different girl. We would kiss and…touch, but the next day, he wouldn’t answer my calls and wouldn’t call me back. It was as if we weren’t friends unless his hands and lips were all over me. I knew it was stupid, but I kept going back. It was hard to ignore it when someone who looked like him wanted me that way, the little nobody that I was. I loved him, or at least my 16 year old brain thought I did. He was the only man to ever show me any type of attention, any type of affection and I thought that was enough, just to have his attention and for him to actually want someone like me.

After we both graduated from high school, Jake and I planned on taking a year off to teach ESL together in Taiwan to make some money before college. We had both signed up for the summer course and I had found us an apartment to rent over there, but on the first day of class, Jake didn’t show up. When I asked him why he missed it, he told me that he actually never registered, and that teaching ESL wasn’t his ‘thing’ and he only thought about it because it was something that I wanted. The crazy thing was that he was the one to ask to come along with me. I ended up dropping the course. It was just a constant reminder of another one of Jake’s disappointments. I didn’t talk to him again until that Christmas. I went over to his place and he told me that he missed me and that there was no one else in the entire world that he could see himself spending the rest of his life with, besides me. I didn’t hear from him for a year after that night.

It was always the same after that. We would both be home for a holiday or the summer, he would call me up and it was like I was 16 again, fooling around on his father’s couch, him telling me how ‘good’ I looked and how he wanted me, but when I told him I wanted more than just fooling around, he would constantly say I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship with him. I was never good enough to date, but I was good enough to be with when he was lonely and horny.” I had to pause to clear my throat. That was the easy part. What I was about to tell Edward was the hardest part to admit, because it truly showed my weakness and desperation.

I took a deep breath, keeping my eyes down and away from Edward’s before I could continue.

“This went on for over nine years, on and off from when I was thirteen to twenty-one, him calling me when he was lonely, him being the only man who ever looked at me twice, and me, the girl who, when he would call, would go running into his arms, completely ignoring the tears I had shed over him in the past. Each time I would see him, he would ask me if I had been seeing anyone, knowing full well that I hadn’t. He would then proceed to tell me about all the girls he had dated that past term, the strangers he picked up at the bar, the threesomes he had, how he loved to take them from behind, pull their hair…. He would just rub his conquests in my face while running his hand over my thigh, feeling me up. But I always went back. There was never another option. It was either be with Jake, or be alone and I was tired of always being alone.

We haven’t spoken in six years, but my dad always updates me on how he’s doing, not knowing anything that ever went on between us. Jake said he didn’t want our fathers to know, it would be too much pressure for us to be together. He wanted to keep me a secret, saying it was more fun that way. He never told anyone about me, keeping me his little secret for nine years. He was embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I wasn’t good enough for him.”

I had tears streaming down my cheek by the time I was done and had somehow been lifted and put in Edward’s lap with his arms wrapped around me and my left cheek resting on his chest. I was so mortified at telling Edward about Jake. No one knew about Jake except for one friend from high school who I hadn’t talked to in years, and Alice, who had to deal with my crying phone calls over summer holidays when I would stupidly see Jake again.

Edward just held me in complete silence, gently brushing his hand over the back of my ponytail, down my spine. He gently kissed my forehead before he pulled me back so that we were looking at each other.

“Is that why you’re afraid to be with me, why you always hold back? Because you think you’re not good enough and that I’m going to leave?”

I just nodded as tears continued to stream down my cheek.

“I’m not that guy, Bella,” he started in a soft and caring voice, “please don’t make me pay for his mistakes. He may have been an idiot and overlooked everything that you are and taken what he had with you for granted, but I won’t take that chance. I see what’s in front of me and I can’t pass it up. You’re too much, too important, too …” he looked down at our now entwined hands and shook his head before looking back up into my eyes. “If I didn’t take this chance with you and hold onto you as tightly and for as long as I can, I would be making the same mistake as him and letting go of the best thing to ever enter my life.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. I had never meant anything to anyone and now here was this man who said I was the best thing to enter his life. All I could do was lean up and kiss him. Our lips met with a longing that I had never felt before. It was obvious that we were both getting in deep, but were both hesitant incase it burned out just as quickly. Our lips were simply moving against each other, gently pressing together, until he started to make me forget everything.

Edward lifted his hands from mine, his right one going into my hair and the left one gently curving around my waist to hold me on my lower back. Both my hands had somehow made it up his chest and were floating through his hair. He slowly opened his lips and took my bottom lip in between his. I could feel the hotness of his mouth against my lips and the gentle sucking pressure it gave. He tentatively ran his warm tongue across my bottom lip and I couldn’t deny him anymore. I slowly opened my mouth to him, as a small whimper escaped from deep inside me and his tongue found mine as if they were magnetically drawn to each other. His tongue caressed mine with a deep, but unhurried longing. He tasted like home. There was no other way to describe it. I couldn’t identify every individual flavor of Edward except to say that it was distinctly ‘Edward’ and it felt like home. I sat there on his lap, kissing him with a passion I had been trying to hold back. Our tongues danced in a slow, sensual dance, our lips continually pressing against each other, and opening up, allowing us to share one breath. 

He held me tight to him as our lips softly crashed together and our tongues tasted each other, but he did not hurry and he did not force it to deepen. He was reading me and allowing me to join him, both of us giving and neither of us greedily taking. For the first time in 6 years, lost in the ecstasy of his kiss, I felt like someone’s equal.

Edward slowly pulled back, allowing our individual kisses to last longer until our lips were just ghosting over each other, our foreheads resting against one another. We both pulled back to look at each other, just simply taking in the sight of the person in our arms. Edward pressed his lush lips to my forehead, before pulling me close to him again and allowing me to rest my head and hands back on his chest. We sat there, holding each other, not saying anything until the sun started to set.

“I have to go,” he whispered into the dark, silent air. Those four words shattered our silent bubble and a piece of my heart. I had found something tonight with Edward, and I was reluctant to let it go.

Edward gently picked me up and placed me on my feet between his legs. “I have a 28 hour shift starting at midnight,” he said as he looked up at me from his seat in the chair. He seemed just as reluctant to let me go as I was him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed a kiss on my stomach, before getting up, taking my hand and leading me to the front door, where he kissed me goodnight and began the longest separation we had yet to have.  

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A/N

So...here's my concern. I'm afraid that many of you will be like "that's it? That's why she's so depressed? Because a boy didn't like her as much as she liked him?"
I really want to make clear that the Jacob/Bella 'relationship' will be talked about more and more throughout the story.  She's scared about how this will make her look to Edward so she hasn't told him everything, just bits and pieces. There is much more and it will be explained throughout the story.