Monday July 26
I woke up the next morning, warm and tranquil. My eyes were still shut as my mind slowly registered consciousness. Edward and I were both naked and wrapped around each other. Neither of us had to work today and I was looking forward to sleeping in. But the feel of his warm skin, the smell of his body and the tenderness of his touch brought me from my peaceful dream.
My eyes hesitantly opened to look at the clock. It was just barely 7:00am. I rolled over in Edward’s arms to face him, my leg draping over his calf as our arms cradled each other. As I examined his face, his hair, his eyes, nose and perfect mouth, the love I exclaimed last night erupted again.
He loves me. I can’t believe this beautiful man loves me.
As I quietly watched him sleep, I gently traced a finger across his cheekbone and through his hair.
“Good morning, beautiful,” he whispered in a sleepy voice. His eyes remained closed as he nuzzled his nose into the crook of my neck. His warm breath fanned across my naked skin as his arms tightened around me. His lips pressed onto my shoulder and slowly up my neck.
“Morning,” I whispered back as my eyes fluttered shut.
Gradually, his lips met mine. The kiss was incredibly slow and tender. Tiny whimpers left my mouth as the kiss deepened. His lips parted and I could feel his tongue tickle my bottom lip.
Edward’s hands slowly crept up by naked back to cradle my cheeks. He gradually pulled back so that we were looking each other in the eyes.
“Hi,” he whispered against my lips.
“Hi.”
“How are you feeling, love?” he asked as he pushed a piece of hair behind my ear.
“Tired.” My eyes slowly closed as I cuddled into Edward’s solid chest. His lips pressed onto the top of my head as his arms pulled me closer.
“Bella?” he asked, his lips still pressed against my hair. I grunted in reply. “Can I talk to you about something?”
My heart immediately started to race. He wanted to talk. Nothing good ever came from someone saying they wanted to talk.
I pulled back, sitting up against the headboard. I wrapped the comforter around my naked body and waited for Edward to start. He followed suit and sat up beside me, the blanket covering the lower half of his body.
“Bella, I think we should talk about Thursday night, and last night.” His voice sounded unsure, but was pleading for me to comply with his request.
I didn’t know what to say. Thursday night and last night were when we had had sex. I nodded for him to continue, although I didn’t know if I wanted to hear what he had to say. Was he going to tell me that I was horrible in bed? That he thought it was a mistake to sleep with me and tell me he loved me? I was starting to panic at all the possible words that could come out of Edward’s mouth.
“Bella, please say something.”
I swallowed hard before I opened my mouth. “What do you want me to say?” I honestly didn’t know what direction Edward was going to take this conversation.
“Just tell me how you’re really feeling. I know that Thursday must have been hard for you and we didn’t really talk about it on Friday before I left. We took a big step and I know your mind must be going a million miles a minute. And then with everything last night…”
“I’m fine.” My automatic reply sounded fake, even to me.
“Bella, please. Just be honest with me.”
How did I feel about Thursday night and last night? To be honest, I felt relieved and yet, completely freaked out. I never thought that I would trust someone the way I trusted Edward and I never thought that someone like him would want to be with someone like me. I was so thankful that he never pressured me or made me uncomfortable. But at the same time, I was unsure how to act around him. We had taken a huge step. We had made love and declared that love to each other. I was unsure how this would change our relationship. Was I expected to have sex with Edward all the time now? Would we still go slowly, or had the green light flashed and it was now full speed ahead? Edward had been so tender and gentle I didn’t want that to change.
I realized then, that I knew exactly how I felt about making love to Edward.
“I feel loved,” I told him. A smile crept over his face. “Without even saying the words, you showed me every day. You never pressured me; you were completely patient and helped me by pushing me little by little, but always making sure that I was okay. You took care of me; you waited for me and made sure that ultimately, I was in control of what we did.”
I shook my head and let out a small chuckle.
“I can only image what it would have been like if I hadn’t waited for you and had slept with Jacob. He probably would have skulked out in the middle of the night and I would still be waiting for his call.”
Edward’s face immediately fell as he launched forward and pulled me tightly into his arms.
“I will never do that to you, Bella. I will never leave you in the middle of the night, or just take off on you.”
I was taken aback by the shift in his emotions and was completely confused by where this was coming from. I was in no way accusing him of doing what Jacob would have done. Why was he so intense all of a sudden?
“Edward?”
“I swear to God, Bella. If I ever meet him, I’ll rip him apart.”
I let Edward’s comment settle around us. He had expressed his anger towards how Jacob had broken me in the past and I knew nothing that I would say would lighten his mood.
We sat in silence for a while, both of us sliding back to lie on the bed, the blanket pulled up around us both. My head was once again on Edward’s chest as he played with the end of my hair.
“We didn’t use a condom.” Edward’s voice broke the silence of the room.
To me, it didn’t matter if we used a condom or not. I was on the pill and I knew that I wouldn’t get pregnant. But by the tone in Edward’s voice, I was starting to worry how he felt about it.
“I know,” I began as my eyes met his. “I’m on the pill if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“I know you’re on the pill. I’ve seen the pack in your bathroom. I just wasn’t sure how you felt about not using a condom.”
“Edward,” I began, “I love you and trust you. I’m fine either way.”
“I love you, too.” His words feathered against my lips as his mouth gently sealed against mine.
The kiss quickly deepened as he rolled me onto my back and positioned himself on top of me. His naked skin pressed against mine; his chest against mine, his shaft lying in the crease of my hips, softly rocking back and forth. Our kiss became more frantic as our desire for each other increased. My hips automatically lifted every time he pressed into me.
“Oh God, love,” he panted, as he ground deeper into the crease between my thigh and pelvis. Tiny whimpers escaped my mouth into his as I threaded my fingers into this hair and pulled his mouth firmer against mine.
My heart was pounding so hard that I could feel it radiating through my entire body. My skin was slick with a slight sheen of sweat, my breath was ragged and I was growing incredibly wet. I wanted Edward and my body was giving us both the go-ahead.
My legs bent and parted on their own accord, causing him to slip between my legs to my center. On his next thrust, he slid himself between my lips and hit my clit, causing my body to jerk and my breath to stop.
“Edward,” I moaned as he repeated the action.
“I don’t know how much longer I can be apart from you,” he whispered. “I need…” he cut himself off with a shaky moan as I lifted my hips up to meet his thrust. I was wet and he slid easily over me and as he hit my clit, the tender bundle shot another jolt through my body making me quake under him.
“God, Edward.” I whimpered out as he continued to slide up and down over my sensitive skin.
“I need you, love,” he said looking into my eyes.
“I need you, too.”
With those four desperate words, I pulled his mouth down onto mine as he gently pushed himself into me. I was still tender and sore from the night before, but knowing that he loved me turned the dull throb of pain into a vibration of desire.
We slowly rocked against each other, both of our moves careful, delicate and tender. He was truly making love to me. It was no longer about having sex or losing my virginity - you could have sex with anyone. This was about making love. Showing me how much he truly did love me, desire me and wanted to give me everything.
We worshiped each other, as we slid deeper and deeper together. I could feel his hardness rubbing up against my inner walls and the feeling of pure, raw urgency started to bubble in my stomach. We held each other tight as our lips never left one another’s. Our frantic breaths, grunts and moans were swallowed up in the other’s mouth as I started to shake underneath Edward’s glistening, scalped body.
“I love you, Bella,” he whispered against my lips. Those effortless words made me loose complete control.
My body jolted upwards, pulling Edward deeper into me. My insides shuttered around him, emphasizing the size of him. My head fell back and my eyes squeezed shut. The pleasure that he brought my body was something that I couldn’t understand. I was panting out sparse breaths but I managed to say what I needed to in that moment.
“I love you, too.”
I could feel him twitch inside me as he thrust one more time. He stilled above me, spilling into me as a low grunt resonated against my neck.
We were both gasping for breath by the time we had come down from the orgasms that took over our bodies. I opened my eyes to see Edward staring down at me with so much adoration. He smiled his beautiful crooked smile, kissed me gently on the lips and slowly pulled out of me. He rolled onto his side, scooping me up in his arms.
At that moment, I didn’t know if I could be more sated, or be more in love with the man whose arms I was wrapped in.
But as with everything in my life, my brain ruined the moment. Immediately, I started questioning everything. Did he say he loved me so that I would sleep with him more? Was this going to be another Jacob incident where I fall for a man and he leaves me because I don’t give him enough? Am I good enough for Edward to love?
“Did you mean it?” The words left my mouth before I even thought about asking the question. I knew instantly that I had ruined the moment. We were still catching out breath, our naked bodies wrapped around each other’s. But the words were out and I couldn’t take them back.
“Did I mean what, love?” Edward had so much concern in his eyes as he lightly ran his fingertips up and down my sides.
“That you loved me?” There was a pause as his hand stilled on my ribs. He slowly pulled back to look at me before he answered.
“Of course I meant it. Why would you ask that?”
“It just doesn’t make sense.” I said the words more for myself than for Edward to hear. But it was clear that he did hear them as he propped himself up on his elbow and gazed down at me with what seemed like anger.
“Bella, how can you say that?” His voice was filled with shock and pain. He still didn’t understand.
“It just doesn’t. It doesn’t make sense for you to love someone like me.”
“What do you mean by ‘someone like me’?”
“I’m broken, Edward. What is there to love?”
Edward slid back down beside me and pulled me back into his arms. We were silent for a while before his tentative voice broke the silence.
“Bella?” he asked with hesitation in his voice.
“Yeah?”
“I want to talk to you about something,” Edward said as he sat up again and leaned back against the headboard, helping me up to sit beside him. We faced each other as he made sure the blanket was still wrapped around me.
“I met a doctor at the conference who specializes in humanistic psychology. It’s basically a form of psychology that focuses on the human existence. It looks at different things like your values and what is important or meaningful, any tragedies in your life, what freedom’s you want or have, your personal responsibility, and things like that.” I didn’t make a sound as Edward continued. I wasn’t sure I liked where this conversation was going.
“I spoke to him briefly about what you’ve gone through and how it’s still affecting you. I didn’t tell him details, just that I knew someone who had been neglected and rejected all her life and she believes that she deserves it.” His words shook me to the core. I had never heard Edward talk about me like that before. He made me sound even more broken than I felt.
“Bella, Jasper and I are too close to you to truly be objective and help you. I love you, and I’d do anything for you, but I don’t know if I can help you with this. I asked James if he thought that maybe he could help you. I thought you were getting better, that we were getting better, but with the dream about your death and you telling me just now that there’s nothing for me to love about you…I think James could help.”
Tears were streaming down my face by the time he was done. I already knew everything that Edward was telling me, that was why I had Dr. Cook’s phone number still stuck to my fridge. But it was hard hearing it from someone else, especially from someone you loved.
Edward pulled me tighter into his arms and kissed the top of my head before he continued.
“I spoke to James about all this and he thinks that you’re struggling with dysthymia. He’s agreed to sit down with you if you’d like. He’s a local doctor and he seems like a nice guy.”
All my worries from this weekend came flooding back. I went to the clinic to get help; I called Dr. Cook so that I could talk to someone and get better. And now, Edward was offering up a doctor for me to talk to. Do I take this step with Edward, or do I call Dr. Cook and try to do this on my own?
I thought about my options as Edward continued to talk to me about what dysthymia was. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it didn’t matter who I was doing this for, just that I was getting help.
“Edward?” I interrupted.
“Yes, love?” Edward pulled back and placed a kiss on my forehead before looking deeply into my eyes.
“Will you come with me?”
He scrunched his eyebrows together, looking at me with confusion. “Go with you where?”
“Will you come with me to see James?”
