Sunday August 8
"Sooooo...how's
the sex?"
"Alice!" I whispered
at her from across the table. We were out at our typical Sunday brunch and her
question had attracted the attention of the two elderly ladies at the table
beside us.
"What?
It's not like you're not sleeping with him. You spend every night with him and
you haven't even been dating a month. You two have practically moved in
together. Clearly you guys are getting carnal."
"It's
not every night."
Alice quirked an eyebrow at
me from above her glass of water, her right hand absentmindedly rubbing her
stomach where her two month old baby bump hadn't even starting to show. Clearly
she was challenging me. Has it really
been less than a month? It feels like I've been with Edward forever.
"And
besides," I continued, "that's not the point. This is neither the
time nor the place to be having this discussion."
"Fine,"
Alice said,
with a mischievous look on her face. "Then tell me this. Are you
happy?"
"Yes,"
I said with a timid smile on my face. It was still hard to admit to myself that
I was capable of being happy. "I am."
"How
many times a week are you happy?" She wiggled her eyebrows at me, making
it obvious that she was once again alluding to my bedroom activities with
Edward.
"Alice, I - "
"Okay,
okay, " she interrupted. She held up her hands in a placating gesture but
the smile never left her face. It didn't leave mine either.
oooOOOooo
On
the way home, I couldn't get what Alice
said out of my mind. Had it really been every night that Edward and I spent
together? Were we practically living
together already?
I
opened my front door and instantly noticed Edward everywhere. His work shoes
and running shoes were neatly paired on my entryway mat, his suitcase was on
the landing going upstairs, he had files still piled on the dining room table,
and an empty beer bottle sat on the counter.
It
was evident that there was a man in this house.
I
went upstairs and the proof was even more evident. There was a pair of his
sweat pants on the end of the bed, and his toothbrush, deodorant, hair brush,
and shaving stuff in the bathroom.
And
even if some of his clothes weren't hanging in my closet, folded in my drawers
or tossed on the bedroom floor, my house even had begun to smell like Edward.
His side of the bed, his pillow, the towel that he used after his shower.
Little hints were everywhere, indicating that Alice was right. We pretty much were living together
after only a month.
There
was mix of joy and nerves when I really stepped back and saw how much of him
was in my house. Plus, he already has a house key. Was he slowly moving himself
in? Was I ready to live with a boy? And how would it differ from how Edward and
I were now?
Edward
was out at Emmett and Rose's place watching a football game with Jasper. It was
a much deserved day with the boys. He had tried to convince me over morning
coffee to come over once I was done my lunch with Alice, but I thought it would be a good idea
to let him have his fun. Plus, I was starting to think that it would do us well
to start to miss each other.
I
would never say anything to him, but I sometimes thought that I still wasn't
good enough. I always saw myself as average, simple and ordinary. Not that
there was anything wrong with that, I was just normal. Whereas Edward, he was
just amazing. And somewhere deep inside, I was worried that if I clung too
hard, or let him know how much I wanted and needed him, that I would turn into
the "clingy girlfriend" and he would start to pull away.
Distance
would do us - me - some good. Plus, I was quickly realizing that I should
figure out how I felt about the whole "Edward pretty much lives here
now" thing.
I
had the rest of the day to vacuum, clean the bathroom, do some grocery
shopping, and start cooking dinner. I didn't expect Edward to be home until
later that night, as Alice
had said that football games could go on forever.
I
was sitting in the living room, eating a big bowl of spaghetti with meat sauce
and watching "The Big Bang Theory" marathon, when I heard a car door
shut. Looking out my front window, I saw Edward walking up the driveway,
looking incredibly sexy in green cargo shorts and a white tank. At 6:13pm, he
was home a whole two hours earlier than I had expected him.
I
walked into the kitchen to get Edward a bowl for dinner and realized that not
only had I forgotten to take my new vitamins with dinner, but I had also yet to
tell Edward that I was taking them. I honestly didn't know why I was hiding it,
or even if I was hiding it, but I
knew that it was something I wanted to try for myself, without any external
influences.
I
popped the dark green and light yellow vitamins, washing them down with the
remnants of the tangy herbal tea that I hadn't decided if I liked or not.
Although I was a bit skeptical that the herbal teas and vitamins I ordered
would work, I needed to give them a shot.
"Love?"
A
smile turned up my lips as I put my cup in the sink and went into the hallway.
Edward was already half way to the kitchen when he caught me in his arms and
placed a kiss on the top of my head.
"How
was the game?" My arms gave one quick squeeze before I let him go and took
a step back to look at him.
"It
was alright. I'm more of a baseball fan myself."
"Have
you had dinner yet?" I led him into
the kitchen as his hand rested on my lower back.
"No,
but Rosalie had so much food that I've been eating non-stop all day."
Together,
we cleaned up the kitchen. He put the leftovers into multiple small Tupperware
containers, which were perfect for single meal servings, while I washed the
pots and pans. Like yesterday with the laundry, it hit me once again how
domesticated, but right this all felt. Doing simple, daily chores with Edward
made me happy.
But
I immediately had to stop and ask myself why, if simple daily chores with
Edward made me happy, was I concerned with the fact that we had spent almost
every night together, his possessions were strewn all over my home and we had
only been dating for less than a month? Alice's
wedding was on July 10th, today was August 8th. Less than a month together and
I was in love, with someone in love with me in return, been intimate with this
person multiple times, and was in a completely trusting and committed
relationship. Wasn't this what I always wanted? Wasn't this what I had wanted
with Jake, a safe, normal, secure relationship with love, honesty, and true
partnership?
Life
had been a struggle when Jake was in it. It was hard to believe that I was
desired since he only desired me when he was lonely and horny. In some ways, it
hurt to think of Jake in that capacity - the man who used me - since at times,
he was a good friend. We had had fun together when we were kids and Charlie and
Billy would take us on fishing trips or to barbeques. I had confided in Jake,
and trusted him, but I had never gotten any trust - or even acknowledgement at
some times - in return. I had given my heart to Jake, and so unlike Edward,
Jake had used it to his advantage. He had bruised my heart - and at one point,
my body - in order to get what he wanted, but I had still wanted the
"safe, normal, and secure" relationship with him. I knew, even then,
that I was broken, but when you're in pieces and someone shows you attention
and affection, the pieces start to put themselves back together, even if the
pieces don't go back in their proper spots.
All
I wanted my whole life, the almost 15 years of off and on with Jake, was exactly
what I had with Edward, and once again, I was living in my head and over
analyzing it instead of seeing it for what it was and appreciating it. Did the
length of our relationship really matter if Edward was giving me everything
that I needed, not to mention, wanted? He was so much better than Jake, so much
better for me, that although Jake would always be there since he was my first
love, his light had dimmed and he now sat in the back corner on my mind. Edward
had taken his place in the forefront and in that moment, time didn't matter, at
least I didn't think it did.
"Edward,"
I began as I put the pot that I was absentmindedly scrubbing down. "Does
time matter?"
He
popped on the lid of the last container and stacked it with the rest of the
others in the fridge. "What do you mean?"
"I
mean for us. We've been dating for less than a month and you spend pretty much
every night here, you have your stuff here, and a key to my place. Does it
matter that we are already that far along in our relationship when we haven't
been dating for that long?"
I
could tell that Edward knew I was once again stuck in my head and his doctor
mode came out. "Does it matter to you?"
"No,"
I replied with surprising confidence, "this works for us. This is what I
want and I like how things are. I just didn't know if we were moving too fast.
If you think about it, you pretty much live here."
"Does
that bother you?" he asked, clearly still taking a clinical approach.
"I
don't think so...no. No, it doesn't. Does it bother you?"
The
doctor mask slid away and the man I loved smiled back at me and he stepped in
front of me and held my face in his gentle hands.
"No,"
he whispered, as he gently kissed my lips. "If it bothered me, I wouldn't
be here all the time. I want to be with you and I'll go to wherever you
are."
I
loved this man more than I ever thought I was capable. Somehow, he was on the
same page as me regarding our feelings for each other, but never let them take
over his rational side, or let them interfere with what we both knew was right.
"Let’s
spend the night at your place," I said, trying to be unselfish and
considerate of his needs. "We haven't spent much time there at all and it
must be a pain and a chore for you to always have to pack stuff to bring
here."
"Bella, when it comes to you, nothing is
a pain or a chore."
We
finished up in the kitchen, then it was my turn to pack a bag for the night.
Edward had to work tomorrow so I knew that I only had to pack a limited number
of items. I didn't really have anything exciting planned for the next day,
probably just working on my prep for the school year and maybe start on some of
the books I ordered with the teas and vitamins.
oooOOOooo
"Babe, you want something to
drink?"
I looked over the back of the old,
ratty couch to see Jacob standing at the top of the steps, his arms above his
head, grasping the doorframe. The muscles in his arms made the tight black
t-shirt he was wearing look like he had bought it in the junior department. I
wouldn't have been surprised if the sleeves ripped from around his biceps.
I sat there, looking up at the man
that I longed for, a man that in some way, I loved, and just stared at the
cocky smile playing on his lips. He knew what he was doing to me but he did it
anyway. And for some masochistic reason, it turned me on and made my mouth dry.
"Just some water," I
called back before turning around and facing the TV. If I looked at him any
longer, I would blush and giggle like the insecure girl I was. Jacob knew how I
felt about him, he had known for years, and he used it to his every advantage.
I was in my second year of College
and today was my birthday. Every one of my friends bailed on me and I ended up
sitting at the bar with a girl from work who I didn't really know or like that
much. Jacob was out across town with a friend of his at a pub and said to call
him "later" so we could "hook up." That was one of his
favourite phrases. He would tell me to call him "later" but was never
available when I called. Or, more telling, was when he said he'd call me
"later" and I didn't hear from him for eight months. I guess we had a
very different definition of "later."
As I left the bar, completely
embarrassed that the only person that was there was the girl that picked me up,
I called Jacob to see if he was ready to "hook up later." Of course
he was drunk, but he was back home and said to come over.
Danielle, the girl from work, had
just dropped me off and Jacob had already pulled his famous "grab and
twist" on my chest and smacked my butt as I walked past him to the
basement. Not only was Jake drunk, he was also a bit stoned.
"Here you go."
I turned to see Jake put a glass
of water, a bottle of beer and a glass pipe on the table. I quickly took a
drink to help moisten my dry mouth.
Before I could put the glass back
down on the table, Jake was leaning on top of me, forcing my body back with
his, the scratchy stubble of his day old scruff scraping my neck and chin.
"Jake..."I struggled in
his grip, trying to push him away. One of his hands was tight on my waist while
the other had my wrist pinned to the armrest of the couch.
"Don't worry, Bells. We're
just having fun." He loosened his grip on me, lightly trailing his fingers
up and down my arms, before his hand rested on the side of my breast. The other
still held my waist but loosened to slide under my shirt and up my back.
His lips met mine in a soft kiss, showing
the side of Jacob I always longed for, but knew wouldn't stay for long. I held onto this Jacob, kissing
him back with as much tenderness and passion as I had.
His hands moved over my body in a
smooth, soft dance, while his lips once again returned to my neck and chin. I
linked my fingers into the belt loops of his pants and tried to pull him
tighter into me before the moment was ruined.
"Why won't you sleep with me?
Is there something wrong with you down there?"
And just like that, not only was
the moment ruined, but I felt ridiculed, disgusted, ashamed, and on the verge
of tears. There was nothing wrong with me "down there" as Jacob put
it. I just didn't want to be with a man who didn't really want to be with me.
I tried pushing Jake away but the
hand that was sliding up my back slid back down to my waist and held me in
place. He pulled back to look at me with glossy, bloodshot eyes. He had a
genuine look of confusion.
"I didn't mean to insult you,
Bells. I was just wondering what's wrong with you."
I couldn't stop the tears from
coming. I pushed him off, and went up the stairs to get my keys. It was then
that I realized that I didn't drive myself here and Jacob was drunk and stoned
and couldn't drive me home either.
"Bells, just come sit back
down. I didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure everything is working fine down
there."
I stopped at the top of the steps
and stared down at the beautiful man who was making me cry. I couldn't get the
words out, stumbling over myself, trying to tell him to just forget it and
leave me alone.
My crappy birthday had officially
turned into a shit show and I couldn't get out of the house fast enough. I was
halfway to the front door when I heard his huge body clumping up the stairs.
"Bells, wait," he said,
as he put his arm around my waist and pull me into a backwards embrace.
I wrapped my hands around his arms
that were around my waist and dug my nails into his wrists.
"Don't touch me." I
growled with my back still to Jake as I dug my nails in harder and tore his
hands from around my body.
"Ouch,
Bella. What the hell?"
"Get your hands off me."
I kept trying to release the grip around my waist but his hands held me
tighter.
"Love,
it's me. Wake up."
