Chapter 4

Hello all,

I know that this will be a surprise as there was no teaser, but chapter 4 is up both here under 'Chapters' and soon on Twilighted. Unfortunately, there are no outfits for this chapter and this is the shortest one so far, but please enjoy!

~JustTry

Chapter 4

Tuesday, July 6th

“Morning everyone.” As much as I hated having to work in the summer, I loved my students. I had never met such an eager and enthusiastic bunch before.

“So as you know, the final chapter of your story as well as your previous week’s comments are to be handed in today. I must say that I’m very impressed with the progress that I’ve seen over the past four weeks and can’t wait to see how you all wrap up your stories.”

All the kids were beaming at the praise, and although it sucked being stuck in a non-air-conditioned school at 10am on a beautiful and hot day, the donuts, cookies and pitchers of juice and water that I “illegally” brought in this morning for the kids, stupid school board and their ‘no food or drink policy’, seemed to emphasize the smile on everyone’s face.

The students were starting a new project for their novel today. This weeks’ challenge was to re-write a chapter of their choice from a different characters point of view. Again, the students would be posting it on the fan websites to see what the readers think.

“So what we’re working on today is our power of observation and the freedom of imagination. You just worked for five weeks on characterization, but let’s see how well you know every character in your story, even the most inconsequential ones. What you’ll have to do for this assignment is choose any chapter you want, and completely re-write it from a secondary characters view point. For example, Tamara, who’s reading Harry Potter, could write from Ron’s point of view, or Clara, you could re-do Romeo and Juliet from Balthasar’s, Bridget Jones’ Diary from Mark Darcy’s and even Sophie’s point of view for The Da Vince Code. It’s up to you who you choose.”

I went behind my desk and pulled out my laptop and a DVD case. The students started laughing and cheering. I knew that this activity was going to be a hit.

“So for today, your challenge is to watch this clip and re-write what you see from three different points of view. Since this is just an exercise to get you thinking differently, each point of view is to be a page MAX! Just an overview, I don’t need dialogue or anything, but I will for your actual project. You’ll actually have the rest of the day to work on the exercise and we’ll be presenting them tomorrow morning.”

I removed the cap off the projector that I had already set up, got the students to shut the curtains and turn off the lights while I hooked up the speakers and popped in “SHREK”. Everyone sat and watched animatedly, some even taking notes, as all the storybook creatures invaded Shrek’s swamp.

The students were laughing away and I could see them trying to figure out whose viewpoints they wanted to tackle. After the clip was over, the students and I decided that we were going to take the rest of the class and write outside in on the football field. All the students grabbed their bags, some staying behind and helped me by grabbing the donuts, cookies, drinks and glasses while I packed away my laptop and lead the students out into the back of the school where the large trees surrounding the far end of the field provided cooling shade.

As the kids all got settled and started writing, I walked around and collected all of their final chapters from their previous assignment. I nestled myself under a talk maple tree, placing my computer beside me, my donut and juice on my computer bag and the assignments on my lap.

The stories were so entertaining. The way the students concluded their pieces actually left me wanting more and wanting to extend their projects. Some endings actually brought tears to my eyes with their heartbreak or their happy endings. Better soak it up, there’s no happy ending for you back here in reality. I was so enthralled in the creativity of the kids stories that I didn’t even notice the time passing by.

After reading over half of the final chapters, I got up and checked on the progress of their in-class assignment. It seemed like a complete variety of viewpoints were going to be presented. Everyone from the blind mice, to the wolf from “Red Riding Hood”, to Tinkerbell, who was only in the scene for a split second, were taking the place as the story tellers. All the students that I checked on asked if I could read what they wrote so far, excited to share their ideas and looking for constant encouragement and approval. After the fifth student asked me to pre-read their activity, I decided that it was time for a motivational talk.

“Alright everyone, listen up for a sec,” I started, and then waited for everyone’s attention before continuing. “Some of you have asked for me to pre-read your stories so far. And as excited as I am about what you’ve all written, I’m not going to pre-read any of them. I want you to present them tomorrow and be proud of your work. I know that you all just want to make sure that you’re doing this right, but I have faith in you. You guys are great writers and you’ll do fine. I don’t want my opinion to stifle your creativity. In saying that, I’m also asking you not to seek others in the class to pre-read your pages either. I want everyone to be confident in their own abilities as writers and not seek your worth as a writer by other’s validation.”

Whoa, I totally just sounded like Jasper!!!! Shit, maybe there was something to what he said on Sunday.

With uplifted but humble looks on their faces, the students continued their stories for the rest of the day. By 1pm, our class was done and the students each came up one by one to hand in their written work and grabbed either a left over donut or cookie. Although I wasn’t going to read their work, I wanted to make sure that they finished their assignment in the provided time and didn’t work on it or forget it at home the next morning.

I stayed behind after all the students were gone, went around the yard and picked up any forgotten juice cups, threw them in the garbage and went back into the school and tidied up my room. It was a sad fact, but on this beautifully sunny day, I preferred to stay in this hot and stuffy classroom getting things prepared for the rest of the week. I had nothing else to do and sitting at home would just make me feel even lonelier.

After finishing the rest of the reading that I had started earlier on the final chapter of the students last project, inputting their marks into my binder and writing encouraging comments on all their work, I reluctantly locked up the classroom, walked to my truck and headed home.

It was just after 3:30 by the time I pulled into my driveway. I slowly walked up the front steps, checked to see if I had any mail, which of course was only more bills that I would have to postpone until my next paycheck and junk mail, and proceeded into my refreshingly cool home. I threw my keys in my key bowl that was on the table in the entryway, put my purse on the landing going upstairs as I pulled my cell phone out of my purse and turned it on. It immediately beeped at me, showing I had five missed calls and three messages from Alice. I slumped on my big fluffy couch and proceeded to listen to the messaged.

“Bella! I know you’re at school but please call me as soon as you get this. Leah called while I was in the shower and left a message saying there’s something wrong with the catering. Can you please give me a call as soon as you get this??? I’m kinda freaking out. The stupid wedding is on Sunday for Christ sake and they’re just telling me NOW that there’s something wrong???? How am I going to fix this in time? Between setting up the venue, and making sure that Jasper’s tux is picked up, and knowing Emmett, he’s sure to….”

Alice just kept on going. I knew that Alice was stressed and wanted my support, but I wasn’t sure how I would be able to help at all. I would help her as much as possible, but I didn’t know how much help I would be with a catering issue. I shook my head, pressed “7” to delete that message and continued onto the next.

“Hey it’s me again. So I just got off the phone with Leah and apparently the asparagus that they got in this morning’s shipment looked like shit, her words of course, so I have to decide on another vegetable option for the meal. She told me their shipment of broccoli and Brussels sprouts looks great, but who serves Brussels sprouts at their wedding??? Who even likes Brussels sprouts? I don’t know. I’m going to have to go down there tomorrow and do a new taste test. Do you think that I can just tell her to make some kind of carrot, roasted red pepper and zucchini dish thing? That should be ok with the salmon, stake and chicken right? What do you think? What about just serving a whole tomato?”

I just had to laugh at the message. Only Alice would think that serving a whole tomato would work better than broccoli or Brussels sprouts. I pressed “7” again to delete the message and went onto the final one.

“SHIT!!!!” I had to pull the phone away from my ear as Alice’s yelling literally shook the ear piece in my phone. “You have to call me right away. Do you hear me Bella, RIGHT AWAY!!! Not after you get a drink and not after you go to the bathroom, RIGHT AWAY. I totally forgot that I’m supposed to pick up our rings tomorrow from the jeweler and the cake people just called wanting me to come by in the afternoon to do one final look at their design. Can you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do me the biggest favor and stop by the jewelers tomorrow after work and pick up the rings for me. They said that it would be done after1:00 but I’m meeting Leah at 12:00 and am supposed have to be at bakery for 1:30. And of course Jasper and I have had a meeting booked with the justice of the peace for 3:00 and who knows how long that will take. So can you PLEASE call me and let me know if you can do that for me? SHIT!!!!”

Before I could even delete the message, my phone started ringing, showing that it was Alice calling.

“Hey Alice.”

“Bella!!!! Why didn’t you call me back?!?!?! I’ve been freaking out over here. Did you get my message…s?”

“Ya, I just got them. No problem. I can pick up the rings tomorrow.”

“Oh my God. I love you. You are the bestest friend EVER! I don’t know what I would do without you. Is there any way that you can come by the hall before you head to the jewelers so that you can pick up my ring to match it with the band?”

“No problem.” I had to chuckle at the chaos that was Alice’s life. Only she would get this frantic about picking up her rings instead of just picking them up the next day. But who was I to complain, it wasn’t me getting married. That’s right, it isn’t you and it probably never will be.

My thoughts sobered me up right away.

“K, Bella. Now listen close. This is very important. I’m trusting you here. You know what the design is supposed to look like with my ring, so I need you to make sure that it is perfect. PERFECT, Bella. And I’m trusting you with my engagement ring. If you trip and lose it, or scratch it or if one of the diamonds is missing when you get back, I will have to hurt you. And not just hitting or kicking. I’m talking permanent damage.”

“I promise Alice, I will guard your ring with my life.”

“Ok, good.” I could hear the smile back in Alice’s voice. She never was good at being angry or threatening. It just wasn’t in her personality.

We hung up after Alice ensured three more times that I would guard her ring with my life. I wish I could laugh but I couldn’t. Alice’s engagement ring was Jaspers grandmother’s wedding ring. It was antique and worth a literal fortune. I knew that Alice wouldn’t kill me if something happened to the ring, but it would kill her. It meant so much to her that Jasper gave her Granny Whitlock’s wedding ring. It wasn’t just a ring asking her to be his wife, it was a ring asking her to be part of his family too.

I got up from the couch, wondering what it would be like to join someone else’s family, to have someone love you so much that they wanted to completely join their life with yours. Making my way to the kitchen, figuring I might as well have an early dinner, I reaffirmed that that would never happen. At 28 and only 2 boyfriends in your entire life, don’t count on being anyone’s someone.

Opening my fridge, I stared into the cold emptiness. Just like my life! A jar of peanut butter, a half carton of milk, an almost empty tub of margarine, a tiny bit of cheese and some ketchup was all that greeted me. I opened the freezer to find even less. Ice cubes, frozen juice, a frozen half loaf of bread and hotdog wieners that had been in there for so long, I didn’t actually remember when I bought them, was all that was occupying my freezer. On top of that, the hotdogs were no longer wiener color, they were a nice frozen ice-white color.

After taking out the hotdogs and throwing their frostbitten asses in the garbage, I went to my final food option; the dried food cupboard. Dejectedly opening the cupboard, I was greeted by soup, tuna, instant roman noodles and Cream of Wheat. Fuck!! I need to do grocery shopping. I hope I have enough money to get some real food. I don’t know if I can take anymore soup, noodles and sandwiches. I’m out of College, I need to stop eating like a starving College student, no matter how financially restricted I am.

Pulling out the Cream of Wheat, I turned to the fridge and took out the half carton of milk I had left. I stirred the milk and salt until it boiled and slowly stirred in the wheat. Cream of Wheat for dinner? Really? At least it’s filling. I wiped a tear from my eyes and I turned off the burner and removed the thick paste from the stove, scooping it into a bowl. Putting the milk back in the fridge, I realized that I didn’t even have anything to flavor it with, no jam, no brown sugar, no honey, nothing. I shook my head at how pathetic my life was and angrily swiped at another tear.

I took my poor-man’s dinner to my beautiful 7-piece dining room set, sat at the end of the table and looked at the emptiness that was my life. Yup, there was definitely no ‘grandmother’s antique engagement ring’ coming my way.

After eating my thick wheaty dinner, I scrubbed the pot for ten minutes, trying to scrub my reality away with the left over residue my dinner had made. I poured myself a glass of water from the sink and made my way back to the living room to see what was on TV.

Soap Opera, infomercial, infomercial, Soap Opera, Soap Opera, Soap Opera in Latin. I think the TV’s trying to tell me something.

I ended up watching “Cake Boss”. Although I was craving that thick fondant icing and creamy fudge frosting, and was knowingly torturing myself throughout the entire episode, Buddy still cracked me up. It ended up being a marathon, showing back to back episodes of “Cake Boss”, ending with a bridezilla who arrogantly came into the kitchen and completely destroyed the absolutely beautiful cake that was made for her. Damn, I’m glad Alice isn’t like that.

After subjecting myself to three hours of wanting cake, I finally got up and grabbed my cell phone. A quick call to my bank told me I had some money in my account, not a lot, but enough to get some groceries. I got my keys and made my way to my truck.

Going grocery shopping was always a bitch. I didn’t always get what I wanted, but I always got what was on sale. After making a promise to myself to not fill my cart with ‘College food’ this time, I looked down into my buggy and swore. FUCK!!! Kraft Dinner, frozen pizza, spaghetti, orange juice, milk, Cheerios and a can of chocolate fudge frosting for later. I’m such a pathetic liar. I miss the days of being able to cook real food. Chicken parmesan, slow cooking a roast with fresh potatoes, carrots and broccoli, or even just making some nice fluffy pancakes for breakfast. I miss cooking, too bad it costs money to buy good food. I made my way to the check out and paid for my little lot, hoping I would be able to make it last for a while.

After dejectedly loading my one grocery back in my truck, I hopped in and headed back home. I had managed to waste my afternoon and part of the evening with my call to Alice, watching three consecutive hours of “Cake Boss” and my pathetic grocery shopping trip. The rest of the night I could waste with putting the groceries away and taking a long, hot bath before despondently curling up in my bed and letting my tears tire me into a restless, heavy-hearted sleep.

Chapter 3

Hello everyone,

Even though I just put up the teaser today, chapter 3 is ready to go...all thanks to evilangel6714, the best editor in the world. As with every other chapter, it will be up soon on Twilighted and is currently up here under 'Chapters'. Also, make sure you check out the 'Outfits'.

Thanks to everyone for the ongoing support

~JustTry

CH 3

Hello everyone,

Once again, huge thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. I know the teasers a bit late, but here it is.

~~~

We were silent for a while, just thinking about what had been said and the true reality of the situation. By the look in her eyes, I could tell that Alice had never really noticed how the group dynamic had changed, and I couldn't blame her. By this age, I should be in a relationship, should be financially stable and able to purchase a home, instead of renting and living paycheck to paycheck.

Alice's unfocused eyes turned to me with a look of worry and concern that I had never seen on her face before. "The wedding," she started shyly, "is it too much? Do you...do you not want to be..." she couldn't finish her question as a shaky breath came out of her mouth. She sniffed, swallowed and started rambling before I could answer her. "I'm sorry Bella, I really didn't know how hard this was for you. If you don't want to be int he wedding, or if it's too hard, or too much for you, I completely understand."

Chapter 3

Monday, July 5th

No matter what I did, I couldn’t fully get to sleep. I tossed and turned all night, waking up almost every hour from a nightmare or a dream of what happened the day before at brunch with Alice. 12:13, 1:42, 3:03, 4:17, 5:32, 6:58, 7:22. Each time I woke up, I would turn to my side, look at my alarm clock, groan and curl back in to myself, burying my body deeper and deeper into my blanket.

Each dream was progressively worse than the next. Some were just glimpses of looks and conversations, while others were so terrifyingly real that they continued to haunt me while I watched the minutes tick by on my clock. Each one, however, had the same theme; rejection. Friends, family, strangers, they all ignored me or pushed me away. I honestly didn’t know what was worse, the rejection or being invisible. At 8:11am, I finally got back to sleep.

“Bella, come on, grow-up.” I was sitting at my old kitchen table in Forks with my parents sitting across from me. “You’re 32 years old, you’re too old to move back in with us.” My mom was hardly able to hide the snickers that were falling from between her lips. “Do you honestly believe that we would want to take you back anyway?” My dad was full out laughing at my troubles as he looked over to my mom, who started to laugh right along with him.

“Guys, I need your help. I lost my job at the school, no one else will hire me and I’m out of money. You’re my parents and as hard and embarrassing as this is, I have no one else to turn to, please help me.” Tears were running down my face as my family continued to reject my pleas.

“Well sorry kiddo, but you’re an adult now. Suck it up and deal with it.” Charlie stood up just as the last words were leaving his lips and grabbed the suitcase which held every single possession I had left after I sold everything I could to get by, opened the front door, and threw my suitcase out into the front yard, continuing to hold the door open afterwards for me to leave.

“Better luck next time, sweetie” my mother said as she came around the table, literally picking me up by the arm and dragging me out of their house. I turned around to look at my parents with complete shock and betrayal as they slammed the door in my face. A gasp left my lips at their indifference.

Then the front door opened again. “That looked fun,” my dad commented, “let me try.” My parents then took turns, over and over again, slamming the door in my face as cackling laughter emanated from the house. All that sounded around me was the slamming of a door and the evilly wicked laughter of my parents. The slamming became louder and louder as their laughter seemed to take on a ringing sound.

I was completely terrified and nauseous when I realized that the slamming and the ringer were no longer simply in my dreams. My eyes slowly opened, seeing 9:56 light up on my clock and the sound of knocking on my door followed by the ringing of my doorbell.

I wiped the tears that my dream had caused from my eyes, and slowly threw the blanket back. I was still wearing my bathrobe, but it hung loosely off my body. I slowly stood up, tightened my robe, grabbed a pair of sweat pants that were on my bedroom floor and put my feet in my white fluffy slippers as I made my way downstairs to answer my door.

The knocking continued, followed by the incessant ringing of my doorbell until the lock on my door loudly turned and I opened the door. Alice was standing there with huge bags under her red, tear stained eyes. I slowly took in her appearance and the nausea came back. You did that to her, you made her feel that way. Now fix it. I reluctantly stood back from my door, holding it open for her and noticed for the first time that Alice, who never left home without designer clothes on and always looked completely put together and fashionable, was simply wearing gray sweatpants and a pink tank top. She was also holding a basket that looked like it was full of suckers, lollipops, mints, and hard candies all arranged as if they were flowers. In the middle there was a card sticking out that read “I’m sorry for being such a ‘sucky’ friend”. I looked up into Alice’s eyes as she crossed the threshold of my home and back down to the card. I couldn’t help but giggle at the ‘Alice’ness’ of the gift. It was so like her to try and joke to make me feel better. Alice placed the basket on the table beside the door as we looked each other in the eyes. We both started to chuckle, immediately wrapping our arms around each other and then we were both crying.

“I’m so sorry, Bella. I didn’t know it was…” she had to cut herself off before the sob I knew was brewing inside her escaped.

“It’s ok, Ali. It’s not you, and I’m so sorry for what I said yesterday.” We pulled back and looked at each other with tears streaming down both our faces. I grabbed her hand and pulled her further into the house. We sat down on the couch facing each other, still holding onto each other’s hands for support.

“Bella, I didn’t know. How could you have not told me? I’m your best friend. I just wish that I would have known that you felt this way.”

“What was I supposed to say? ‘Stop loving Jasper because it makes me feel left out, unloved and unwanted?’ I would never say that to you. And even if I would have told you how alone I really felt all the time, I knew that you wouldn’t understand…”

“But I would have tried, Bella. I would have tried to make you feel more included, more welcome...” she persisted, but I cut her off.

“And I would have just felt guilty for making you feel like you needed to include me more. You have a life outside of me, Alice. I know that we’re best friends, but you have more than just me going on. You have Jasper, a wedding to plan, a clothing line you’re working on, Rose and Emmet’s engagement. You have other friends, other people in your life. You shouldn’t have to worry about the fact that I don’t. You’re such an honestly happy person that I didn’t want to bring you down, especially so close to your wedding. This is my own problem, Alice, you shouldn’t have to be dragged down with me.”

“Oh, just shut up will you! You’re my best friend, of course I would want you to tell me what’s going on. And you have more people in your life than just me, Bella. You have Em and Rose, Emily and Jess and Mike and Jasper and your parents. You could have talked to any one of them about this. And so what if it’s close to my wedding. It’s just one day, but you’re family forever.”

I lowered my head, scrunching my eyes closed as the tears squeezed out of them. I was silent, I didn’t want to respond. I didn’t want to tell her that she was so unbelievably wrong.

“Bella?”

I just shook my head. “You’re wrong Alice, you’re so very wrong,” I said under my voice. Alice squeezed my hands trying to get me to open up to her, both mentally and physically. I was still curled into a ball, my legs were now pressed to my chest and I had my face buried in my knees.

“I’m so very wrong about what?”

“About who is in my life,” I whispered. “I have you, that’s it. Before the rehearsal, I hadn’t spoken to Em in a year, nothing more than a ‘hello’. I haven’t spoken to Emily since the wedding, and I haven’t talked to Jess or Mike since she announced that she was pregnant five months ago. Jasper has you and only talks to me when you’re there, and my parents could care less about me. I only talk to my dad for about 7 minutes a week, listening to him tell me about the fishing trips he takes with Billy, how…Jake…is doing and what my mom’s newest adventure is. Besides the compulsory ‘Hey Bells, what’s new?’ none of the conversation is about me. I have no one Alice, honestly no one. Everyone in my life is matched up, has someone to lean on, to confide in, has someone to support them, and I have no one.”

I was completely in tears now. No matter how much I explained it or how much of the truth I told her, she would never understand.

“Is it really that hard to be around us?” she asked, hurt and surprise tingeing her voice. I slowly lifted my head from my knees to look at her. I was actually shocked to see a single tear falling down her childlike face. It didn’t fit, and it broke my heart even further to know that I was the cause of that tear. I couldn’t lie to her though, I had to tell her the truth, but the words wouldn’t come. I opened my mouth and closed it about four times before I just settled on nodding.

“Is it just because we’re all in relationships, or is it because you feel like you don’t belong?”

“Both” I barely whispered as I swatted away another tear. “It’s both Alice. It hurts to see everyone get coupled up, one after the other. All of our friends finding someone while time and time again, I get passed over. And it’s getting harder and harder to be around all these happy couples that talk about all the “coupley” things they’ve done or plan on doing. Every conversation that takes place is about weddings, or babies, or engagements or buying homes together. I have nothing to contribute anymore. It’s like all my friends have outgrown me and it’s getting to be too much. Fuck, it already is too much.”

We were silent for a while, just thinking about what had been said and the true reality of the situation. By the look in her eyes, I could tell that Alice had never really noticed how the group dynamic had changed, and I couldn’t blame her. By this age, I should be in a relationship, should be financially stable and able to purchase a home, instead of renting and living paycheck to paycheck.

Alice’s unfocused eyes turned to me with a look of worry and concern that I had never seen on her face before. “The wedding,” she started shyly, “is it too much? Do you…do you not want to be…” she couldn’t finish her question as a shaky breath came out of her mouth. She sniffed, swallowed and started rambling before I could answer her. “I’m sorry Bella, I really didn’t know how hard this was for you. If you don’t want to be in the wedding, or if it’s too hard, or too much for you, I completely understand.”

I was staring at Alice as if she had grown another head. “What are you talking about?” I asked as I threw my arms around her and hugged her tight. “Of course I’m going to be in your wedding. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

She lightly pushed me away to look me right in the eyes and just shook her head. “I can’t believe I’ve been so clueless. You must think that I’m a horrible friend…”

“Damn it Alice!!! This is exactly why I didn’t tell you. You’re not a horrible friend. These are my issues and I don’t want you blaming yourself for one second, do you understand me? I want to be at your wedding, I want to be up there with you. You’re my best friend and I want to celebrate this with you.”

She just nodded and looked down. After a couple more minutes of complete silence, she got up without a word and walked to the front door. Is she actually leaving??? Did I hurt her feelings that much? SHIT!!!!!

“Alice?” I nervously asked as I got up and quickly followed her to the door. But as soon as I came up behind her, she turned around and held up the basket to me again, with a small smirk on her lips.

“I’m sorry I’ve been such a ‘sucky’ friend. Will you forgive me?”

I smiled at her and took the basket from her hands. “There’s nothing to forgive” I told her in all honestly.

“Will you at least be honest with me from now on and tell me if something is upsetting you or if a situation is getting too hard for you so that I can at least try and help?”

I just nodded at her as I secured the basket in my right arm and hugged her with my left.

“Good” she stated with her normal peppy conviction. I could see the old Alice snap back immediately and I knew that we were both back in business. She grabbed my left hand and pulled me back onto the couch where she plopped down, folded her legs, and started bouncing excitedly.

“Open it up,” she said clapping her hands together, “I think we deserve some candy.”

We both laughed as I undid the ribbon on top of the basket. Clear wrapping fell aside as the basket in all its ‘sucky’ glory was revealed. Any type of candy that you could suck on imaginable was in there, all shaped and on display like a vibrant garden. I immediately pulled out all the Tootsie roll suckers, as those were Alice’s favorite, and handed them to her. She knew that she would get them. Every Halloween in college, we would empty our bags out on the floor of our room and exchange candy. She would get all my Tootsies and I would get all her Jolly Ranchers.

Alice and I sat there slowly eating away at my garden of treats until noon.

“Bella?” Alice shyly asked out of nowhere. “Can I ask you a favor?”

“Of course you can. What’s up?”

“Well, since I totally screwed up yesterday’s lunch, I was hoping we could have a re-do.” I didn’t know why she looked so sad. Did she honestly think that I would say ‘no’ to going out for lunch with her?

“Of course we can. And you didn’t screw it up, I did.” Before she could interrupt me and start an argument about who was to blame for yesterday’s travesty of a meal, I handed her the remote to the TV and excused myself so that I could shower and put on more than a bathrobe.

I could hear Alice’s huff of frustration at me for taking the blame for lunch as I made my way upstairs. Walking directly into the bathroom, I froze as soon as I turned to face the shower. Images from yesterday afternoon flooded my mind.

Settling in the bathtub, wondering what would happen if I just up and left Seattle, how long it would take for anyone to know I was gone. Then washing my body and picking up my razor to shave my leg. Wondering what would happen if I died, if I just let the razor slip, how long it would take someone to actually realize that I was dead before they found the body.

I looked down and noticed that the tub was still filled with water and soap residue from last night. Yesterday’s feelings started to bubble up in me again, so I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before carefully and hesitantly reaching my hand into the water to pull out the stopper. The tub drained quickly and I hoped that yesterday’s thoughts and emotions were draining away with it.

Jumping in the shower and turning on the hot water, I stepped under the stream, and washed away all the sadness that had encompassed me over the past two days. I showered quickly, not wanting to make Alice wait too long, and then went to my room to change. As I walked in the door, I noticed my tight, dark blue, denim Capri pants and a floral, button down tank top were lying on my bed. Alice. I should have expected nothing less. After drying myself off, I got changed into the outfit that Alice had laid out for me and threw my still damp hair into a messy bun on top of my head. I knew that Alice would expect more than wet, messy hair, so I put on some hoop earrings with my solitaire necklace, and after a quick stroke of mascara, went downstairs. Alice was sitting on the couch, just finishing a conversation on the phone as I reached the landing. So I stood there and let her finish her conversation in private.

“I know,” I could hear her sigh, “I just want to make up for yesterday. I can’t believe what I said to her and that I ambushed her.” She was quiet for a while before she answered the question that, I assumed, Jasper had asked. “No, we’re good and she still wants to be part of the wedding. I just miss happy Bella and I don’t know how to get her back…”

Alice’s words shocked me and I quietly slipped past the living room and into the kitchen where I immediately swept the lone tear away. Happy Bella? I don’t even remember her. I took a deep breath and let Alice finish her conversation before I went into the living room.

“You ready?” I asked with as much excitement as I could muster.

“Yup, let’s go eat.”

We left the house and piled into Alice’s Mini as she drove us back to Portage Bay Café, hoping that no one there would recognize me from yesterday’s extravaganza.

Alice and I decided to take a seat inside today, and immediately agreed that we both needed a drink. Once our waiter brought Alice her Cosmo and me my vodka, cranberry and Sprite, we buried ourselves in our menus. Alice and I had an “eating out” rule; you couldn’t order the same thing twice in a row. And although we’d been to this restaurant dozens of times and had both tried everything on the menu, all I wanted was my club sandwich that I didn’t get to eat yesterday.

Oh God, yesterday!!! This is so humiliating. I wonder if people are staring at me. I swear that the waiter was snickering when he brought the drinks. I bet our sweet little waitress from yesterday went and told everyone about the 28 year old virgin psycho she was serving. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a snap shot of me posted in the staff room with a big ‘WARNING…CRAZY CUSTOMER’ note posted on it.

“So…are you going to pick something to eat or are you just going with your bottom lip for lunch?” Alice asked with a smirk and a giggle in her voice. My eyes snapped up from the menu that I wasn’t even reading to find her silently laughing at me. I hadn’t even noticed that I was worrying my bottom lip and of course, I immediately buried my now bright red face back in the menu and sunk lower into my seat.

“Oh, come on Bella. I was just kidding.”

“Alice, maybe this wasn’t the best idea…”

“What? Eating lunch?”

“No, eating lunch here. What if someone recognizes me from yesterday? I swear the waiter snickered as he gave me my drink. Maybe we should just go somewhere else.” I folded my menu, downed my almost full cocktail in one shot and began to stand.

“Seriously? Bella, no one is looking at you, and the waiter didn’t snicker at you either. You’re just paranoid. We love this place, why would we go somewhere else?”

Slowly sitting back down, I realized that Alice was right and I was completely paranoid. The likelihood of anyone coming to the Café two days in a row and recognizing me was incredibly slim. Still, I did feel anxious and sorta jumpy.

“Ok, but I swear, Alice. If I so much as hear a snicker or am on the wrong end of a mocking glance, I’m out of here.” I folded myself back into my chair and picked up the menu, no longer that hungry, but yearning for another drink.

Our meal was relatively ‘normal’. Well, as ‘normal’ as any meal with the bouncy, soon-to-be Mrs. Whitlock can be. We went over what still needed to be done for the wedding, focusing on the center pieces that Alice still needed to put the final touches on. They were going to be beautiful. There were three different tiered, square vases that were going to be filled with white stones on the bottom, one calla lily in each, and then filled with water and a floating white candle on top. Alice’s wedding was going to be stunning. With the color scheme of white and deep plum and with calla lilies everywhere, the flower that represents magnificent beauty, it truly was going to be spectacular.

We finished our lunch without cause for concern and decided to head over to Alice’s to finish up what we could with the rest of the day. As I made my way to the door after Alice’s insistence at covering the bill, I heard some scoffing coming from beside me. I turned to my right to see a group of four guys, no older than 17, looking at me, pointing and laughing like little school girls.

“It is her! I knew it. Hey virgin, we can help you take care of your needs!” one boy yelled as the others just laughed harder. I could feel the tears prickling behind my eyes but I held them back with everything I had.

“No way man. Look at her and then look at who she was sitting with. I want the little one. I bet she’s wild in bed. Hey shorty! You need help like your friend here, cause we aim to please!” All the boys high-fived each other as Alice walked up to me and grabbed my right hand, giving it a supportive squeeze. All I wanted was the chance to give a snappy retort, but I knew that as soon as I opened my mouth, nothing but pitiful sobs would come out.

But leave it to Alice, she always knew what I needed.

“Now boys,” she started as she walked closer to their table, pulling me along by the hand, “what makes you think you have what I need when I have everything I want right here?” Without warning, Alice pulled me tightly by the hand until I was right beside her, then she reached up and kissed me on the mouth. What the hell????? She pulled away, looked at the boys, who were now completely silent, and pulled me out the door with a light giggle trilling after her.

“Now Bella, about the flowers on the head table…”

Chapter 2

Hey everyone,

The reception from Chapter 1 has been outstanding. I just wanted to let you know that chapter 2 is up on the blog under 'Chapters' and should be on Twilighted soon. Also, don't forget to check out the 'Outfits'.

Lastly, I added a 'Recommendation' section at the side, suggesting some fics that I have read or in the process of reading. I will change it from time to time, but I know that people are always looking for new stories, so I thought I'd lend a hand.

Thanks again and I'll see you later this week with a new teaser.

~JustTry

Chapter 2

Sunday, July 4th

I knew it!!! I knew I would be early. Even when I leave 20 minutes late, I’m always the first one here. Portage Bay Café was a cute outdoor restaurant that Alice and I had been coming to every Sunday for brunch for the past three years. And just like every Sunday before, I was now here sitting alone, waiting for the perpetually late Alice to arrive.

Sundays were always a mix of emotions for me. On one hand, I got to spend time alone with my best friend, just eating, gossiping and sitting in the sun. On the other hand, I would sit alone at a table for lord knows how long until Alice showed up, with people staring at me, asking me if I was sure my other party was, in fact, coming and if I wanted anything while I waited for them. It was just awkward and I always hated the fact that Alice’s tardiness always made me feel even more alone than I normally did.

“Excuse me Miss, did you want more water or for me to get you an appetizer while you wait?” The cute little waitress, who couldn’t have been more than 16, asked as I continued to stare out onto the street, waiting to see the little yellow Mini pull up.

“I’m good, thank you, she shouldn’t be too much longer.” I answered her, although I’d been telling myself the same thing for the past 15 minutes. The waitress gave me a sad sympathetic smile, probably thinking that I’d been stood up.

Once I was left alone with my thoughts, I was bombarded with images of yesterday’s rehearsal dinner; standing there in the hall, doing last minute checks and preparations, alone, walking down the aisle during the rehearsal, the only one to walk down the aisle without someone to walk beside me, alone. Next, standing in the back of Alice’s apartment during her fitting with everyone’s back to me, alone, drinking with the ladies at the restaurant before the men joined us, alone. Then finally at dinner, where everyone was coupled up and sharing longing glances and tender touches with one another, telling stories about what had happened in their own weddings or engagements, while I watched from my position as the 9^th wheel at the end of the table, ignored, cut off and, yet again, alone. Better get used to it.

“Bella?” Alice asked as she literally shook me from my musings, “you ok?” I was so far off in the recesses of my thoughts that I didn’t even notice Alice pull up and walk to my table, nor the fact that for the first time ever, Alice wasn’t alone. Alice and Jasper were staring at me, Alice with one hand still on my shoulder while Jasper stood beside her, looking at me with his ‘concerned doctor’ eyes.

“Sorry guys, I wasn’t paying attention. How are you?”

“We’re good. You sure you’re ok? You looked like you were being mentally tortured.” Alice said as she shared a look with Jasper. I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.

“Yea I’m positive. Just a lot on my mind. Are you joining us today Jasper?” I questioned as he asked the patrons beside us if he could borrow their empty chair.

“Um…I asked him to come along. I hope that’s ok.” Something was up with Alice. She was acting nervous and seemed as if she was walking gently around me, not wanting to spook me or something. And the fact that Jasper was here on our weekly girl’s brunch definitely raised some red flags.

“Of course that’s fine,” I answered, “but is everything ok? No offense Jasper, but Alice, you have always insisted that this is our ‘girls only time’ and you’re both looking at me like I’m some wounded animal that you’re about to put down.”

Again, Alice and Jasper shared a look. It was almost as if they could talk to each other just by looking one another in the eyes. It wasn’t until Jasper nodded that I knew 100% that something was not right.

Alice turned back to me as she took Jaspers hand, and slowly opened her mouth to talk.

“Oh good, the rest of your party did show up after all,” the waitress unexpectedly announced as she approached the table. “I’m Becky, and I’ll be taking care of you today. Can I start you two off with a drink?” She was looking at Jasper and Alice, awaiting their answer.

“I’ll have a water and the spinach salad with chicken, please.” Alice answered, smiling innocently up at the waitress. Jasper ordered the same thing, before the waitress turned to me with a relieved look on her face. “And how about yourself?”

“I’ll have the club sandwich with a side Cesar.” I didn’t bother taking my eyes off Alice and Jasper while I spoke to the waitress. I didn’t want to miss any more of their silent conversations.

Becky left and I just stared at the couple across from me expectantly. Alice took in a deep breath before opening her mouth again to start.

“Jasper and I had a long conversation last night and he told me what’s been going on with you.” My eyebrows immediately squished together in confusion. I didn’t really know what to say. Jasper himself didn’t know what was going on with me since I never did take him up on his offer to help. I quickly swept my eyes over to him and saw that he was looking at me with such apology and pity that I instantly had to bite my bottom lip to hold back tears.

Alice reached across the table with her left hand to encompass my right. “Bella, why didn’t you tell me that you were so unhappy? I mean, I know that I’m not always available with the wedding planning and everything, but when Jasper told me that he’s known you’ve been suffering for years now, I just…I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”

“So what exactly did he tell you, Alice?” I asked, my sadness and confusion morphing into full out anger. My best friend was turning our traditional Sunday brunch into an intervention, in public no less.

“Bella…” Jasper started but I couldn’t let him go on. I was truly interested in what ‘information’ he had passed onto Alice.

“No, Jasper. I would like to know what you told Alice, since I never once mentioned to you that I was having a ‘problem’ or that I was ‘suffering’ as Alice put it. You’ve been assuming things about me for over a year and keep saying that you’re there in case I need to talk. Didn’t it occur to you that I wasn’t coming to talk to you because I had nothing to come and talk to you about?” I was livid. He was being completely presumptuous and on top of that, was worrying Alice less than a week before her wedding. I knew that I was having issues, and it was obvious that Jasper’s crazy emotion-reading intuition was bang on, but he had no right passing his assumptions onto Alice unless they were justified.

“Bella, you know that I’ve been worried about you for a long time,” I went to interrupt Jasper, but he pressed on, “and we both know that I don’t know exactly what is bothering you, but come on. I’m not stupid, Bella. It’s my job to read people. You’ve been skipping out on us when we do get-togethers or go out for dinner or drinks. When you do come out, which is only when Alice literally drags you out, you sit there in a corner, completely silent, cutting yourself off from everyone’s conversations and you always have this look on your face like you’re either going to kill and torture someone or you’re going to break down and cry.” I could no longer look at Jasper. Do I really have that look on my face all the time? Fuck, I have to try harder.

“Bella,” Alice started with a squeeze on my hand, which she was still holding. I quickly pulled my hand away and stared down at them, entwined, in my lap. “Please just talk to us. Jasper is a professional. He won’t tell me anything, he can’t. There’s doctor/patient confidentiality. Or if you would rather just talk to me alone, I won’t tell Jazz anything I promise. Just please, tell me what’s going on.”

My entire insides were shaking and my chest was somehow expanding and squeezing tighter at the same time. My heart felt like it was a clump of ice that was burning with fire and yet, it wouldn’t melt. Tears were building behind my eyes and prickles erupted over my entire body. I felt nervous, nauseous and as though I had something clawing at my chest, struggling to get out. No matter what I thought about to try and change my emotional state, or how deep a breath I took or how hard I bit my lip, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling or my breath from becoming ragged.

I looked back up at both of them with their matching looks of sympathy and compassion, but overwhelming pity, and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. 28 years of being alone, feeling insignificant and unloved, seeing no other future but one that was vacant of purpose, companionship, friendship or love, it was too much and no matter what I tried to do, I knew that I had to let it out somehow. I didn’t even have control over myself anymore. I had no idea what my brain was planning on telling my mouth to say.

So, after 9 years of friendship, I finally told Alice the truth. I told her how I was really feeling about helping her plan the wedding, also, my feelings about myself and how I wasn’t happy. I told Alice everything: how I cried almost every day, how I was so lonely that I didn’t know what to do. How I felt like I was being left behind and how all these weddings this summer had become too much for me. But mostly, I told Alice how I had never felt more alone, unloved and hopeless than I had this past year, watching everyone get their happy ending while I got nothing.

“Oh, Bella, you’re crazy. Of course you’ll find someone and what do you mean you’re not happy? You’re cute, smart and there are so many of us that love you. Why would you feel this way?” She doesn’t get it. I knew she wouldn’t. She’s never had to want for anything in her life; money, attention, friendship, love, she has it all.

“Bella, Alice doesn’t mean to dismiss or diminish your feelings,” Jasper said as he gave Alice a pointed look, which clearly told her not to say anything more, “she… well, we both don’t really know where this is coming from. Of course you’re loved. But my concern is that you’re solely linking your self-worth to other people’s validation and acceptance of you. I know its cliché, but it’s true, no one will love you until you love yourself”.

“Tell me Jasper, how the hell am I supposed to love myself when no one loves me?” I started, tears fully streaming down my face and landing on the table cloth. “How am I supposed to love myself when no one even looks at me? Even my supposed friends and family, who are expected to love me and be there for me no matter what, don’t really care. I don’t remember the last time I was actually out on a date, or the last time that someone was interested in what was going on in my life or what I had to say about a certain subject. Do you know how many times I’ve been out with you guys and you completely ignore what I say or that I’m even there in the first place? Or how many times I’m stuck sitting in the corner alone, while you’re all out dancing with each other, or you’re all engrossed in some conversation about an event that I wasn’t invited to? Or how often I’ve been forgotten when you go out or when you get together with the gang? Do you know what it feels like to have every single person in your life forget your birthday, including your parents and best friends? What it was like for me to sit there alone, in a dark and lonely house, staring at a birthday cake I bought for myself, waiting for the phone to ring? Do either of you know what it is like to truly be alone in this world? To be the odd one out, to be the only person who gets a ‘plus one’ invitation but has no one to ask to be their ‘plus one’? Do you know what it feels like to see everyone in your life coupled up and doing ‘coupley’ things while you have no one? Fuck, I’m a 28 year old virgin for Christ sakes. That should tell you how ‘wanted’ I am. It is completely heart breaking. All I want to do is be someone’s someone but how can I when I’m completely invisible? How can I love myself when I’m worth nothing to the people around me? How can I love myself when I’m not good enough for anyone else to love me?”

I could barely finish what I was saying. Sobs and hiccups were breaking past my lips as tears continued to stream in rivers down my cheeks. Pausing to take a much needed, yet shaky breath, my eyes finally looked up and noticed the looks of hurt and shame on Alice and Jasper’s faces.

“Um…” a voice from above stated. We all raised our heads and saw the waitress standing there, staring down at our table, with our food in her hands. I was quickly brought back to the reality that we were in a very public place and my voice was progressively getting louder and louder while I was yelling at my only friends. Embarrassed, I looked back at Alice and Jasper and felt completely ridiculous about how big of a spectacle I was making.

Quickly pushing my chair back and grabbing my purse from the ground, I had made it out of my seat and half way towards the patio door before I heard Alice calling my name behind me.

“Let her go, Alice,” I heard Jasper quietly say, “she just needs some time.”

My body shoved its way through the tables and finally through the patio door, while I kept my head down so that I could avoid the strange looks from the people that had just overheard our very private conversation. I barely made it to my truck, parked down the street, before a sob escaped through my lips. I sat behind my steering wheel, wiping the wetness from my face and waiting for the tears to stop, before I started my truck up and headed home.

By the time I reached my driveway, I was almost numb. Of course my brain refused to shut off and the entire event was playing on repeat in my head. Every word said and every look shared kept playing in a loop over and over, so much so that I had no energy to invest in it anymore.

I slowly fumbled out of the truck and into my house where I immediately changed into some sweat shorts and a baggy t-shirt. There’s no way in hell I’m going to look presentable today when I feel like this.

Standing in my kitchen, I stared at the empty expanse of my home. I loved my townhouse, it was beautiful and comfortable, but today it just felt void of comfort and hominess. It felt empty. I looked into my kitchen, over the black granite countertops and deep cherry wood cupboards, and noticed the single mug, single plate and single knife I left out from breakfast. It was a small kitchenette which led to a small dining room that housed my kitchen table and six chairs. It had never been fully occupied. On top of my table were piles of unmarked assignments, unpaid bills, my checkbook and my calculator. Well, that’s one way to get my mind off my problems; focus it on a new set of problems, like how to budget this month’s bills.

I pulled out the cross-backed cherry wood chair at the head of the table and took in everything before me. Rent, water, electricity, phone, cable, internet, credit card and car insurance bills all lay out across the table in front of me. I sat there, staring at the sea of black and white, and mentally calculated how I was going to be able to afford everything this month. Ok, let’s see. So rent is $1024.87, my phone is $81.42, water and sewer is $48, $181 for gas and electricity, internet and cable is $89, my Master Card bill is $206.73 and car insurance for Big Red is $121.23.

Reaching for my calculator, I added up all the bills. The grand total for this month was $1752.24. I picked up my pay stub and looked at the latest deposit into my account. Crap, my entire paycheck will barely even cover this. Thankfully, I had some money left over from last month.

After tabulating everything, calculating and writing all my checks, I had $460.36 left in my bank account. I sat there looking at the cracked screen of my calculator as the numbers mocked me. Thank god for my emergency savings account, which by the looks of things, I’ll need to tap into soon.

After finishing stuffing, sealing and placing postage on all my bills, neatly stacking them by the front door, I went upstairs to get away from it all. Walking straight to the bathroom, I put the stopper in the bathtub and started filling it with the hottest water that my pipes could produce. I slowly walked back into my bedroom to grab my bathrobe and put my hair up. Once again, my eyes deliberately avoided the dresser mirror as I changed and proceed back to the tub.

I entered the bathroom and added some of my strawberry shampoo to the tub, watching how the bubbles appeared out of nowhere, and shed my robe to sit into the scalding hot water.

Settling in the bath, I mentally went over the day as I still couldn’t seem to get brunch with Alice and Jasper out of my head. They just don’t get how alone I really am. If I just up and left Seattle, how long would it take for anyone to know I was gone? My left hand grabbed the body wash off the side of the tub and slowly started lathering up my legs. Then I picked up my razor and started to shave my left leg. I wonder what would happen if I just died, if I just let this razor slip, how long it would take someone to actually realize that I was dead before they found the body. My hand froze and dropped the razor into the water. Where the hell did that idea come from? Am I seriously thinking about killing myself? I quickly shook the horrifying thought from my head but the desperation and loneliness that caused the terrifying thought in the first place lingered. Tears had already started to pour down my face and the sob had already built in my throat and it only had one direction in which to release. The heart retching sound of my cry echoed through the dark and barren bathroom.

Quickly jumping out of the water, not bothering to unplug the tub to drain it, I wrapped the bathrobe around myself and sprinted into my bedroom. The sooner you’re away from the tub, the sooner the suicidal thoughts will leave. Burrowing under the covers of my bed and wrapping myself tightly in my blankets, I assumed the fetal position on my left side. Life’s not that bad, life’s not that bad, life’s not that bad. That mantra repeated in my head over and over again, until the feeling I had in the bathroom had eased from my body.

I sat there rocking back and forth on my bed until a tone chimed on my phone indicating a missed call. My body rolled to the right side of my bed while I kept a death grip on my blanket, then I slowly slid my left hand over to the bedside table to pick up my cell phone. There were three missed calls, all from Alice, and two voice mails. I pressed “1” and waited to hear the messages.

“Bella, I…I don’t know what to say. *sob* I’m so sorry. I never knew you felt that way. I didn’t mean to make you run off. I wasn’t saying that what you’re feeling is unjustified, it just took me by surprise that you felt that way. Please call me back and at least let me know that you got home ok. *sniff* I’m just….I’m sorry. I love you.”

Alice’s voice sounded pained and lost in a sea of other voices. The background noise made it sound like she was outside. Maybe she was still at the café when she called.

The beep on the phone indicated the start of the second waiting message.

“Bella??? You left here over an hour ago and I still haven’t heard anything. I just want to make sure you got home ok. I know you were a mess when you left and that’s my fault. Bella, please. I’m so sorry, just PLEASE call me and let me know you got home ok. Please…”

Just as I hit “7” to delete both messages, my phone started to ring again and Alice’s name shone bright on the screen. I didn’t want to talk to her. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. If I spoke to Alice, she would just bring up brunch and I couldn’t talk about that right now. She wouldn’t understand anyway and then I’d just get more and more upset with her. I flipped the switch on the left side of my phone to silence it, put it back on the side table and curled myself back up into the fetal position, willing my mind to once again go numb.

I stayed in bed, both dozing off and staring out my bedroom window, until my stomach forced me to get up. It was 7:12pm by the time I made it down to the kitchen to start dinner. My hand automatically picked up my cell as I passed my bedside table on my way downstairs and I noticed that Alice had called four more times, but hadn’t left any messages. There was even a missed call from Jasper. She’s going to keep calling until I deal with her. This is Alice we’re talking about.

I stared at my phone while leaning against my kitchen counter, my finger hovering over the “messages” button, until I decided a text would be best.

I’m home.

It was short, kinda direct but it said all I needed to say for Alice to stop calling. I pressed “send” and then turned off my phone completely. I didn’t need anyone else trying to “fix me” today. With my phone shoved into the pocket of my bathrobe, I opened my nearly empty cupboards and pulled out a can of soup for dinner. This will have to do.

After pouring my hot chicken and rice soup into a cup, I went to sit in the living room, flopping down into my plush tan couch and turning on the TV. I was originally supposed to go out with Alice and Jasper for some 4^th of July fireworks, but in all honesty, right now I was actually relishing in the fact that I was alone. There was no way that I could have gone out celebrating. I could hear the festivities going on in the neighborhood; kids laughing and screaming, mini fireworks already going off, neighbors enjoying each other’s company and I wanted none of it.

I channeled through the TV hoping to find something that would make me feel better. But instead of finding anything entertaining to watch, every show was a “4^th of July Special”, showing families and friends celebrating, enjoying themselves with big, happy smiles. After going through all the channels twice, I gave up, turned off the TV, shut all the blinds, double checked the lock on the front and back doors before heading upstairs to fall back into my uneasy sleep, having never felt more helpless or hopeless in my entire life.