Made to Live Alone

Chapter 3

Monday, July 5th

No matter what I did, I couldn’t fully get to sleep. I tossed and turned all night, waking up almost every hour from a nightmare or a dream of what happened the day before at brunch with Alice. 12:13, 1:42, 3:03, 4:17, 5:32, 6:58, 7:22. Each time I woke up, I would turn to my side, look at my alarm clock, groan and curl back in to myself, burying my body deeper and deeper into my blanket.

Each dream was progressively worse than the next. Some were just glimpses of looks and conversations, while others were so terrifyingly real that they continued to haunt me while I watched the minutes tick by on my clock. Each one, however, had the same theme; rejection. Friends, family, strangers, they all ignored me or pushed me away. I honestly didn’t know what was worse, the rejection or being invisible. At 8:11am, I finally got back to sleep.

“Bella, come on, grow-up.” I was sitting at my old kitchen table in Forks with my parents sitting across from me. “You’re 32 years old, you’re too old to move back in with us.” My mom was hardly able to hide the snickers that were falling from between her lips. “Do you honestly believe that we would want to take you back anyway?” My dad was full out laughing at my troubles as he looked over to my mom, who started to laugh right along with him.

“Guys, I need your help. I lost my job at the school, no one else will hire me and I’m out of money. You’re my parents and as hard and embarrassing as this is, I have no one else to turn to, please help me.” Tears were running down my face as my family continued to reject my pleas.

“Well sorry kiddo, but you’re an adult now. Suck it up and deal with it.” Charlie stood up just as the last words were leaving his lips and grabbed the suitcase which held every single possession I had left after I sold everything I could to get by, opened the front door, and threw my suitcase out into the front yard, continuing to hold the door open afterwards for me to leave.

“Better luck next time, sweetie” my mother said as she came around the table, literally picking me up by the arm and dragging me out of their house. I turned around to look at my parents with complete shock and betrayal as they slammed the door in my face. A gasp left my lips at their indifference.

Then the front door opened again. “That looked fun,” my dad commented, “let me try.” My parents then took turns, over and over again, slamming the door in my face as cackling laughter emanated from the house. All that sounded around me was the slamming of a door and the evilly wicked laughter of my parents. The slamming became louder and louder as their laughter seemed to take on a ringing sound.

I was completely terrified and nauseous when I realized that the slamming and the ringer were no longer simply in my dreams. My eyes slowly opened, seeing 9:56 light up on my clock and the sound of knocking on my door followed by the ringing of my doorbell.

I wiped the tears that my dream had caused from my eyes, and slowly threw the blanket back. I was still wearing my bathrobe, but it hung loosely off my body. I slowly stood up, tightened my robe, grabbed a pair of sweat pants that were on my bedroom floor and put my feet in my white fluffy slippers as I made my way downstairs to answer my door.

The knocking continued, followed by the incessant ringing of my doorbell until the lock on my door loudly turned and I opened the door. Alice was standing there with huge bags under her red, tear stained eyes. I slowly took in her appearance and the nausea came back. You did that to her, you made her feel that way. Now fix it. I reluctantly stood back from my door, holding it open for her and noticed for the first time that Alice, who never left home without designer clothes on and always looked completely put together and fashionable, was simply wearing gray sweatpants and a pink tank top. She was also holding a basket that looked like it was full of suckers, lollipops, mints, and hard candies all arranged as if they were flowers. In the middle there was a card sticking out that read “I’m sorry for being such a ‘sucky’ friend”. I looked up into Alice’s eyes as she crossed the threshold of my home and back down to the card. I couldn’t help but giggle at the ‘Alice’ness’ of the gift. It was so like her to try and joke to make me feel better. Alice placed the basket on the table beside the door as we looked each other in the eyes. We both started to chuckle, immediately wrapping our arms around each other and then we were both crying.

“I’m so sorry, Bella. I didn’t know it was…” she had to cut herself off before the sob I knew was brewing inside her escaped.

“It’s ok, Ali. It’s not you, and I’m so sorry for what I said yesterday.” We pulled back and looked at each other with tears streaming down both our faces. I grabbed her hand and pulled her further into the house. We sat down on the couch facing each other, still holding onto each other’s hands for support.

“Bella, I didn’t know. How could you have not told me? I’m your best friend. I just wish that I would have known that you felt this way.”

“What was I supposed to say? ‘Stop loving Jasper because it makes me feel left out, unloved and unwanted?’ I would never say that to you. And even if I would have told you how alone I really felt all the time, I knew that you wouldn’t understand…”

“But I would have tried, Bella. I would have tried to make you feel more included, more welcome...” she persisted, but I cut her off.

“And I would have just felt guilty for making you feel like you needed to include me more. You have a life outside of me, Alice. I know that we’re best friends, but you have more than just me going on. You have Jasper, a wedding to plan, a clothing line you’re working on, Rose and Emmet’s engagement. You have other friends, other people in your life. You shouldn’t have to worry about the fact that I don’t. You’re such an honestly happy person that I didn’t want to bring you down, especially so close to your wedding. This is my own problem, Alice, you shouldn’t have to be dragged down with me.”

“Oh, just shut up will you! You’re my best friend, of course I would want you to tell me what’s going on. And you have more people in your life than just me, Bella. You have Em and Rose, Emily and Jess and Mike and Jasper and your parents. You could have talked to any one of them about this. And so what if it’s close to my wedding. It’s just one day, but you’re family forever.”

I lowered my head, scrunching my eyes closed as the tears squeezed out of them. I was silent, I didn’t want to respond. I didn’t want to tell her that she was so unbelievably wrong.

“Bella?”

I just shook my head. “You’re wrong Alice, you’re so very wrong,” I said under my voice. Alice squeezed my hands trying to get me to open up to her, both mentally and physically. I was still curled into a ball, my legs were now pressed to my chest and I had my face buried in my knees.

“I’m so very wrong about what?”

“About who is in my life,” I whispered. “I have you, that’s it. Before the rehearsal, I hadn’t spoken to Em in a year, nothing more than a ‘hello’. I haven’t spoken to Emily since the wedding, and I haven’t talked to Jess or Mike since she announced that she was pregnant five months ago. Jasper has you and only talks to me when you’re there, and my parents could care less about me. I only talk to my dad for about 7 minutes a week, listening to him tell me about the fishing trips he takes with Billy, how…Jake…is doing and what my mom’s newest adventure is. Besides the compulsory ‘Hey Bells, what’s new?’ none of the conversation is about me. I have no one Alice, honestly no one. Everyone in my life is matched up, has someone to lean on, to confide in, has someone to support them, and I have no one.”

I was completely in tears now. No matter how much I explained it or how much of the truth I told her, she would never understand.

“Is it really that hard to be around us?” she asked, hurt and surprise tingeing her voice. I slowly lifted my head from my knees to look at her. I was actually shocked to see a single tear falling down her childlike face. It didn’t fit, and it broke my heart even further to know that I was the cause of that tear. I couldn’t lie to her though, I had to tell her the truth, but the words wouldn’t come. I opened my mouth and closed it about four times before I just settled on nodding.

“Is it just because we’re all in relationships, or is it because you feel like you don’t belong?”

“Both” I barely whispered as I swatted away another tear. “It’s both Alice. It hurts to see everyone get coupled up, one after the other. All of our friends finding someone while time and time again, I get passed over. And it’s getting harder and harder to be around all these happy couples that talk about all the “coupley” things they’ve done or plan on doing. Every conversation that takes place is about weddings, or babies, or engagements or buying homes together. I have nothing to contribute anymore. It’s like all my friends have outgrown me and it’s getting to be too much. Fuck, it already is too much.”

We were silent for a while, just thinking about what had been said and the true reality of the situation. By the look in her eyes, I could tell that Alice had never really noticed how the group dynamic had changed, and I couldn’t blame her. By this age, I should be in a relationship, should be financially stable and able to purchase a home, instead of renting and living paycheck to paycheck.

Alice’s unfocused eyes turned to me with a look of worry and concern that I had never seen on her face before. “The wedding,” she started shyly, “is it too much? Do you…do you not want to be…” she couldn’t finish her question as a shaky breath came out of her mouth. She sniffed, swallowed and started rambling before I could answer her. “I’m sorry Bella, I really didn’t know how hard this was for you. If you don’t want to be in the wedding, or if it’s too hard, or too much for you, I completely understand.”

I was staring at Alice as if she had grown another head. “What are you talking about?” I asked as I threw my arms around her and hugged her tight. “Of course I’m going to be in your wedding. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

She lightly pushed me away to look me right in the eyes and just shook her head. “I can’t believe I’ve been so clueless. You must think that I’m a horrible friend…”

“Damn it Alice!!! This is exactly why I didn’t tell you. You’re not a horrible friend. These are my issues and I don’t want you blaming yourself for one second, do you understand me? I want to be at your wedding, I want to be up there with you. You’re my best friend and I want to celebrate this with you.”

She just nodded and looked down. After a couple more minutes of complete silence, she got up without a word and walked to the front door. Is she actually leaving??? Did I hurt her feelings that much? SHIT!!!!!

“Alice?” I nervously asked as I got up and quickly followed her to the door. But as soon as I came up behind her, she turned around and held up the basket to me again, with a small smirk on her lips.

“I’m sorry I’ve been such a ‘sucky’ friend. Will you forgive me?”

I smiled at her and took the basket from her hands. “There’s nothing to forgive” I told her in all honestly.

“Will you at least be honest with me from now on and tell me if something is upsetting you or if a situation is getting too hard for you so that I can at least try and help?”

I just nodded at her as I secured the basket in my right arm and hugged her with my left.

“Good” she stated with her normal peppy conviction. I could see the old Alice snap back immediately and I knew that we were both back in business. She grabbed my left hand and pulled me back onto the couch where she plopped down, folded her legs, and started bouncing excitedly.

“Open it up,” she said clapping her hands together, “I think we deserve some candy.”

We both laughed as I undid the ribbon on top of the basket. Clear wrapping fell aside as the basket in all its ‘sucky’ glory was revealed. Any type of candy that you could suck on imaginable was in there, all shaped and on display like a vibrant garden. I immediately pulled out all the Tootsie roll suckers, as those were Alice’s favorite, and handed them to her. She knew that she would get them. Every Halloween in college, we would empty our bags out on the floor of our room and exchange candy. She would get all my Tootsies and I would get all her Jolly Ranchers.

Alice and I sat there slowly eating away at my garden of treats until noon.

“Bella?” Alice shyly asked out of nowhere. “Can I ask you a favor?”

“Of course you can. What’s up?”

“Well, since I totally screwed up yesterday’s lunch, I was hoping we could have a re-do.” I didn’t know why she looked so sad. Did she honestly think that I would say ‘no’ to going out for lunch with her?

“Of course we can. And you didn’t screw it up, I did.” Before she could interrupt me and start an argument about who was to blame for yesterday’s travesty of a meal, I handed her the remote to the TV and excused myself so that I could shower and put on more than a bathrobe.

I could hear Alice’s huff of frustration at me for taking the blame for lunch as I made my way upstairs. Walking directly into the bathroom, I froze as soon as I turned to face the shower. Images from yesterday afternoon flooded my mind.

Settling in the bathtub, wondering what would happen if I just up and left Seattle, how long it would take for anyone to know I was gone. Then washing my body and picking up my razor to shave my leg. Wondering what would happen if I died, if I just let the razor slip, how long it would take someone to actually realize that I was dead before they found the body.

I looked down and noticed that the tub was still filled with water and soap residue from last night. Yesterday’s feelings started to bubble up in me again, so I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before carefully and hesitantly reaching my hand into the water to pull out the stopper. The tub drained quickly and I hoped that yesterday’s thoughts and emotions were draining away with it.

Jumping in the shower and turning on the hot water, I stepped under the stream, and washed away all the sadness that had encompassed me over the past two days. I showered quickly, not wanting to make Alice wait too long, and then went to my room to change. As I walked in the door, I noticed my tight, dark blue, denim Capri pants and a floral, button down tank top were lying on my bed. Alice. I should have expected nothing less. After drying myself off, I got changed into the outfit that Alice had laid out for me and threw my still damp hair into a messy bun on top of my head. I knew that Alice would expect more than wet, messy hair, so I put on some hoop earrings with my solitaire necklace, and after a quick stroke of mascara, went downstairs. Alice was sitting on the couch, just finishing a conversation on the phone as I reached the landing. So I stood there and let her finish her conversation in private.

“I know,” I could hear her sigh, “I just want to make up for yesterday. I can’t believe what I said to her and that I ambushed her.” She was quiet for a while before she answered the question that, I assumed, Jasper had asked. “No, we’re good and she still wants to be part of the wedding. I just miss happy Bella and I don’t know how to get her back…”

Alice’s words shocked me and I quietly slipped past the living room and into the kitchen where I immediately swept the lone tear away. Happy Bella? I don’t even remember her. I took a deep breath and let Alice finish her conversation before I went into the living room.

“You ready?” I asked with as much excitement as I could muster.

“Yup, let’s go eat.”

We left the house and piled into Alice’s Mini as she drove us back to Portage Bay Café, hoping that no one there would recognize me from yesterday’s extravaganza.

Alice and I decided to take a seat inside today, and immediately agreed that we both needed a drink. Once our waiter brought Alice her Cosmo and me my vodka, cranberry and Sprite, we buried ourselves in our menus. Alice and I had an “eating out” rule; you couldn’t order the same thing twice in a row. And although we’d been to this restaurant dozens of times and had both tried everything on the menu, all I wanted was my club sandwich that I didn’t get to eat yesterday.

Oh God, yesterday!!! This is so humiliating. I wonder if people are staring at me. I swear that the waiter was snickering when he brought the drinks. I bet our sweet little waitress from yesterday went and told everyone about the 28 year old virgin psycho she was serving. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a snap shot of me posted in the staff room with a big ‘WARNING…CRAZY CUSTOMER’ note posted on it.

“So…are you going to pick something to eat or are you just going with your bottom lip for lunch?” Alice asked with a smirk and a giggle in her voice. My eyes snapped up from the menu that I wasn’t even reading to find her silently laughing at me. I hadn’t even noticed that I was worrying my bottom lip and of course, I immediately buried my now bright red face back in the menu and sunk lower into my seat.

“Oh, come on Bella. I was just kidding.”

“Alice, maybe this wasn’t the best idea…”

“What? Eating lunch?”

“No, eating lunch here. What if someone recognizes me from yesterday? I swear the waiter snickered as he gave me my drink. Maybe we should just go somewhere else.” I folded my menu, downed my almost full cocktail in one shot and began to stand.

“Seriously? Bella, no one is looking at you, and the waiter didn’t snicker at you either. You’re just paranoid. We love this place, why would we go somewhere else?”

Slowly sitting back down, I realized that Alice was right and I was completely paranoid. The likelihood of anyone coming to the Café two days in a row and recognizing me was incredibly slim. Still, I did feel anxious and sorta jumpy.

“Ok, but I swear, Alice. If I so much as hear a snicker or am on the wrong end of a mocking glance, I’m out of here.” I folded myself back into my chair and picked up the menu, no longer that hungry, but yearning for another drink.

Our meal was relatively ‘normal’. Well, as ‘normal’ as any meal with the bouncy, soon-to-be Mrs. Whitlock can be. We went over what still needed to be done for the wedding, focusing on the center pieces that Alice still needed to put the final touches on. They were going to be beautiful. There were three different tiered, square vases that were going to be filled with white stones on the bottom, one calla lily in each, and then filled with water and a floating white candle on top. Alice’s wedding was going to be stunning. With the color scheme of white and deep plum and with calla lilies everywhere, the flower that represents magnificent beauty, it truly was going to be spectacular.

We finished our lunch without cause for concern and decided to head over to Alice’s to finish up what we could with the rest of the day. As I made my way to the door after Alice’s insistence at covering the bill, I heard some scoffing coming from beside me. I turned to my right to see a group of four guys, no older than 17, looking at me, pointing and laughing like little school girls.

“It is her! I knew it. Hey virgin, we can help you take care of your needs!” one boy yelled as the others just laughed harder. I could feel the tears prickling behind my eyes but I held them back with everything I had.

“No way man. Look at her and then look at who she was sitting with. I want the little one. I bet she’s wild in bed. Hey shorty! You need help like your friend here, cause we aim to please!” All the boys high-fived each other as Alice walked up to me and grabbed my right hand, giving it a supportive squeeze. All I wanted was the chance to give a snappy retort, but I knew that as soon as I opened my mouth, nothing but pitiful sobs would come out.

But leave it to Alice, she always knew what I needed.

“Now boys,” she started as she walked closer to their table, pulling me along by the hand, “what makes you think you have what I need when I have everything I want right here?” Without warning, Alice pulled me tightly by the hand until I was right beside her, then she reached up and kissed me on the mouth. What the hell????? She pulled away, looked at the boys, who were now completely silent, and pulled me out the door with a light giggle trilling after her.

“Now Bella, about the flowers on the head table…”