Chapter 2
Sunday, July 4th
I knew it!!! I knew I would be early. Even when I leave 20 minutes late, I’m always the first one here. Portage Bay Café was a cute outdoor restaurant that Alice and I had been coming to every Sunday for brunch for the past three years. And just like every Sunday before, I was now here sitting alone, waiting for the perpetually late Alice to arrive.
Sunday, July 4th
I knew it!!! I knew I would be early. Even when I leave 20 minutes late, I’m always the first one here. Portage Bay Café was a cute outdoor restaurant that Alice and I had been coming to every Sunday for brunch for the past three years. And just like every Sunday before, I was now here sitting alone, waiting for the perpetually late Alice to arrive.
Sundays were always a mix of emotions for me. On one hand, I got to spend time alone with my best friend, just eating, gossiping and sitting in the sun. On the other hand, I would sit alone at a table for lord knows how long until Alice showed up, with people staring at me, asking me if I was sure my other party was, in fact, coming and if I wanted anything while I waited for them. It was just awkward and I always hated the fact that Alice’s tardiness always made me feel even more alone than I normally did.
“Excuse me Miss, did you want more water or for me to get you an appetizer while you wait?” The cute little waitress, who couldn’t have been more than 16, asked as I continued to stare out onto the street, waiting to see the little yellow Mini pull up.
“I’m good, thank you, she shouldn’t be too much longer.” I answered her, although I’d been telling myself the same thing for the past 15 minutes. The waitress gave me a sad sympathetic smile, probably thinking that I’d been stood up.
Once I was left alone with my thoughts, I was bombarded with images of yesterday’s rehearsal dinner; standing there in the hall, doing last minute checks and preparations, alone, walking down the aisle during the rehearsal, the only one to walk down the aisle without someone to walk beside me, alone. Next, standing in the back of Alice’s apartment during her fitting with everyone’s back to me, alone, drinking with the ladies at the restaurant before the men joined us, alone. Then finally at dinner, where everyone was coupled up and sharing longing glances and tender touches with one another, telling stories about what had happened in their own weddings or engagements, while I watched from my position as the 9th wheel at the end of the table, ignored, cut off and, yet again, alone. Better get used to it.
“Bella?” Alice asked as she literally shook me from my musings, “you ok?” I was so far off in the recesses of my thoughts that I didn’t even notice Alice pull up and walk to my table, nor the fact that for the first time ever, Alice wasn’t alone. Alice and Jasper were staring at me, Alice with one hand still on my shoulder while Jasper stood beside her, looking at me with his ‘concerned doctor’ eyes.
“Sorry guys, I wasn’t paying attention. How are you?”
“We’re good. You sure you’re ok? You looked like you were being mentally tortured.” Alice said as she shared a look with Jasper. I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.
“Yea I’m positive. Just a lot on my mind. Are you joining us today Jasper?” I questioned as he asked the patrons beside us if he could borrow their empty chair.
“Um…I asked him to come along. I hope that’s ok.” Something was up with Alice. She was acting nervous and seemed as if she was walking gently around me, not wanting to spook me or something. And the fact that Jasper was here on our weekly girl’s brunch definitely raised some red flags.
“Of course that’s fine,” I answered, “but is everything ok? No offense Jasper, but Alice, you have always insisted that this is our ‘girls only time’ and you’re both looking at me like I’m some wounded animal that you’re about to put down.”
Again, Alice and Jasper shared a look. It was almost as if they could talk to each other just by looking one another in the eyes. It wasn’t until Jasper nodded that I knew 100% that something was not right.
Alice turned back to me as she took Jaspers hand, and slowly opened her mouth to talk.
“Oh good, the rest of your party did show up after all,” the waitress unexpectedly announced as she approached the table. “I’m Becky, and I’ll be taking care of you today. Can I start you two off with a drink?” She was looking at Jasper and Alice, awaiting their answer.
“I’ll have a water and the spinach salad with chicken, please.” Alice answered, smiling innocently up at the waitress. Jasper ordered the same thing, before the waitress turned to me with a relieved look on her face. “And how about yourself?”
“I’ll have the club sandwich with a side Cesar.” I didn’t bother taking my eyes off Alice and Jasper while I spoke to the waitress. I didn’t want to miss any more of their silent conversations.
Becky left and I just stared at the couple across from me expectantly. Alice took in a deep breath before opening her mouth again to start.
“Jasper and I had a long conversation last night and he told me what’s been going on with you.” My eyebrows immediately squished together in confusion. I didn’t really know what to say. Jasper himself didn’t know what was going on with me since I never did take him up on his offer to help. I quickly swept my eyes over to him and saw that he was looking at me with such apology and pity that I instantly had to bite my bottom lip to hold back tears.
Alice reached across the table with her left hand to encompass my right. “Bella, why didn’t you tell me that you were so unhappy? I mean, I know that I’m not always available with the wedding planning and everything, but when Jasper told me that he’s known you’ve been suffering for years now, I just…I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”
“So what exactly did he tell you, Alice?” I asked, my sadness and confusion morphing into full out anger. My best friend was turning our traditional Sunday brunch into an intervention, in public no less.
“Bella…” Jasper started but I couldn’t let him go on. I was truly interested in what ‘information’ he had passed onto Alice.
“No, Jasper. I would like to know what you told Alice, since I never once mentioned to you that I was having a ‘problem’ or that I was ‘suffering’ as Alice put it. You’ve been assuming things about me for over a year and keep saying that you’re there in case I need to talk. Didn’t it occur to you that I wasn’t coming to talk to you because I had nothing to come and talk to you about?” I was livid. He was being completely presumptuous and on top of that, was worrying Alice less than a week before her wedding. I knew that I was having issues, and it was obvious that Jasper’s crazy emotion-reading intuition was bang on, but he had no right passing his assumptions onto Alice unless they were justified.
“Bella, you know that I’ve been worried about you for a long time,” I went to interrupt Jasper, but he pressed on, “and we both know that I don’t know exactly what is bothering you, but come on. I’m not stupid, Bella. It’s my job to read people. You’ve been skipping out on us when we do get-togethers or go out for dinner or drinks. When you do come out, which is only when Alice literally drags you out, you sit there in a corner, completely silent, cutting yourself off from everyone’s conversations and you always have this look on your face like you’re either going to kill and torture someone or you’re going to break down and cry.” I could no longer look at Jasper. Do I really have that look on my face all the time? Fuck, I have to try harder.
“Bella,” Alice started with a squeeze on my hand, which she was still holding. I quickly pulled my hand away and stared down at them, entwined, in my lap. “Please just talk to us. Jasper is a professional. He won’t tell me anything, he can’t. There’s doctor/patient confidentiality. Or if you would rather just talk to me alone, I won’t tell Jazz anything I promise. Just please, tell me what’s going on.”
My entire insides were shaking and my chest was somehow expanding and squeezing tighter at the same time. My heart felt like it was a clump of ice that was burning with fire and yet, it wouldn’t melt. Tears were building behind my eyes and prickles erupted over my entire body. I felt nervous, nauseous and as though I had something clawing at my chest, struggling to get out. No matter what I thought about to try and change my emotional state, or how deep a breath I took or how hard I bit my lip, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling or my breath from becoming ragged.
I looked back up at both of them with their matching looks of sympathy and compassion, but overwhelming pity, and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. 28 years of being alone, feeling insignificant and unloved, seeing no other future but one that was vacant of purpose, companionship, friendship or love, it was too much and no matter what I tried to do, I knew that I had to let it out somehow. I didn’t even have control over myself anymore. I had no idea what my brain was planning on telling my mouth to say.
So, after 9 years of friendship, I finally told Alice the truth. I told her how I was really feeling about helping her plan the wedding, also, my feelings about myself and how I wasn’t happy. I told Alice everything: how I cried almost every day, how I was so lonely that I didn’t know what to do. How I felt like I was being left behind and how all these weddings this summer had become too much for me. But mostly, I told Alice how I had never felt more alone, unloved and hopeless than I had this past year, watching everyone get their happy ending while I got nothing.
“Oh, Bella, you’re crazy. Of course you’ll find someone and what do you mean you’re not happy? You’re cute, smart and there are so many of us that love you. Why would you feel this way?” She doesn’t get it. I knew she wouldn’t. She’s never had to want for anything in her life; money, attention, friendship, love, she has it all.
“Bella, Alice doesn’t mean to dismiss or diminish your feelings,” Jasper said as he gave Alice a pointed look, which clearly told her not to say anything more, “she… well, we both don’t really know where this is coming from. Of course you’re loved. But my concern is that you’re solely linking your self-worth to other people’s validation and acceptance of you. I know its cliché, but it’s true, no one will love you until you love yourself”.
“Tell me Jasper, how the hell am I supposed to love myself when no one loves me?” I started, tears fully streaming down my face and landing on the table cloth. “How am I supposed to love myself when no one even looks at me? Even my supposed friends and family, who are expected to love me and be there for me no matter what, don’t really care. I don’t remember the last time I was actually out on a date, or the last time that someone was interested in what was going on in my life or what I had to say about a certain subject. Do you know how many times I’ve been out with you guys and you completely ignore what I say or that I’m even there in the first place? Or how many times I’m stuck sitting in the corner alone, while you’re all out dancing with each other, or you’re all engrossed in some conversation about an event that I wasn’t invited to? Or how often I’ve been forgotten when you go out or when you get together with the gang? Do you know what it feels like to have every single person in your life forget your birthday, including your parents and best friends? What it was like for me to sit there alone, in a dark and lonely house, staring at a birthday cake I bought for myself, waiting for the phone to ring? Do either of you know what it is like to truly be alone in this world? To be the odd one out, to be the only person who gets a ‘plus one’ invitation but has no one to ask to be their ‘plus one’? Do you know what it feels like to see everyone in your life coupled up and doing ‘coupley’ things while you have no one? Fuck, I’m a 28 year old virgin for Christ sakes. That should tell you how ‘wanted’ I am. It is completely heart breaking. All I want to do is be someone’s someone but how can I when I’m completely invisible? How can I love myself when I’m worth nothing to the people around me? How can I love myself when I’m not good enough for anyone else to love me?”
I could barely finish what I was saying. Sobs and hiccups were breaking past my lips as tears continued to stream in rivers down my cheeks. Pausing to take a much needed, yet shaky breath, my eyes finally looked up and noticed the looks of hurt and shame on Alice and Jasper’s faces.
“Um…” a voice from above stated. We all raised our heads and saw the waitress standing there, staring down at our table, with our food in her hands. I was quickly brought back to the reality that we were in a very public place and my voice was progressively getting louder and louder while I was yelling at my only friends. Embarrassed, I looked back at Alice and Jasper and felt completely ridiculous about how big of a spectacle I was making.
Quickly pushing my chair back and grabbing my purse from the ground, I had made it out of my seat and half way towards the patio door before I heard Alice calling my name behind me.
“Let her go, Alice,” I heard Jasper quietly say, “she just needs some time.”
My body shoved its way through the tables and finally through the patio door, while I kept my head down so that I could avoid the strange looks from the people that had just overheard our very private conversation. I barely made it to my truck, parked down the street, before a sob escaped through my lips. I sat behind my steering wheel, wiping the wetness from my face and waiting for the tears to stop, before I started my truck up and headed home.
By the time I reached my driveway, I was almost numb. Of course my brain refused to shut off and the entire event was playing on repeat in my head. Every word said and every look shared kept playing in a loop over and over, so much so that I had no energy to invest in it anymore.
I slowly fumbled out of the truck and into my house where I immediately changed into some sweat shorts and a baggy t-shirt. There’s no way in hell I’m going to look presentable today when I feel like this.
Standing in my kitchen, I stared at the empty expanse of my home. I loved my townhouse, it was beautiful and comfortable, but today it just felt void of comfort and hominess. It felt empty. I looked into my kitchen, over the black granite countertops and deep cherry wood cupboards, and noticed the single mug, single plate and single knife I left out from breakfast. It was a small kitchenette which led to a small dining room that housed my kitchen table and six chairs. It had never been fully occupied. On top of my table were piles of unmarked assignments, unpaid bills, my checkbook and my calculator. Well, that’s one way to get my mind off my problems; focus it on a new set of problems, like how to budget this month’s bills.
I pulled out the cross-backed cherry wood chair at the head of the table and took in everything before me. Rent, water, electricity, phone, cable, internet, credit card and car insurance bills all lay out across the table in front of me. I sat there, staring at the sea of black and white, and mentally calculated how I was going to be able to afford everything this month. Ok, let’s see. So rent is $1024.87, my phone is $81.42, water and sewer is $48, $181 for gas and electricity, internet and cable is $89, my Master Card bill is $206.73 and car insurance for Big Red is $121.23.
Reaching for my calculator, I added up all the bills. The grand total for this month was $1752.24. I picked up my pay stub and looked at the latest deposit into my account. Crap, my entire paycheck will barely even cover this. Thankfully, I had some money left over from last month.
After tabulating everything, calculating and writing all my checks, I had $460.36 left in my bank account. I sat there looking at the cracked screen of my calculator as the numbers mocked me. Thank god for my emergency savings account, which by the looks of things, I’ll need to tap into soon.
After finishing stuffing, sealing and placing postage on all my bills, neatly stacking them by the front door, I went upstairs to get away from it all. Walking straight to the bathroom, I put the stopper in the bathtub and started filling it with the hottest water that my pipes could produce. I slowly walked back into my bedroom to grab my bathrobe and put my hair up. Once again, my eyes deliberately avoided the dresser mirror as I changed and proceed back to the tub.
I entered the bathroom and added some of my strawberry shampoo to the tub, watching how the bubbles appeared out of nowhere, and shed my robe to sit into the scalding hot water.
Settling in the bath, I mentally went over the day as I still couldn’t seem to get brunch with Alice and Jasper out of my head. They just don’t get how alone I really am. If I just up and left Seattle, how long would it take for anyone to know I was gone? My left hand grabbed the body wash off the side of the tub and slowly started lathering up my legs. Then I picked up my razor and started to shave my left leg. I wonder what would happen if I just died, if I just let this razor slip, how long it would take someone to actually realize that I was dead before they found the body. My hand froze and dropped the razor into the water. Where the hell did that idea come from? Am I seriously thinking about killing myself? I quickly shook the horrifying thought from my head but the desperation and loneliness that caused the terrifying thought in the first place lingered. Tears had already started to pour down my face and the sob had already built in my throat and it only had one direction in which to release. The heart retching sound of my cry echoed through the dark and barren bathroom.
Quickly jumping out of the water, not bothering to unplug the tub to drain it, I wrapped the bathrobe around myself and sprinted into my bedroom. The sooner you’re away from the tub, the sooner the suicidal thoughts will leave. Burrowing under the covers of my bed and wrapping myself tightly in my blankets, I assumed the fetal position on my left side. Life’s not that bad, life’s not that bad, life’s not that bad. That mantra repeated in my head over and over again, until the feeling I had in the bathroom had eased from my body.
I sat there rocking back and forth on my bed until a tone chimed on my phone indicating a missed call. My body rolled to the right side of my bed while I kept a death grip on my blanket, then I slowly slid my left hand over to the bedside table to pick up my cell phone. There were three missed calls, all from Alice, and two voice mails. I pressed “1” and waited to hear the messages.
“Bella, I…I don’t know what to say. *sob* I’m so sorry. I never knew you felt that way. I didn’t mean to make you run off. I wasn’t saying that what you’re feeling is unjustified, it just took me by surprise that you felt that way. Please call me back and at least let me know that you got home ok. *sniff* I’m just….I’m sorry. I love you.”
Alice’s voice sounded pained and lost in a sea of other voices. The background noise made it sound like she was outside. Maybe she was still at the café when she called.
The beep on the phone indicated the start of the second waiting message.
“Bella??? You left here over an hour ago and I still haven’t heard anything. I just want to make sure you got home ok. I know you were a mess when you left and that’s my fault. Bella, please. I’m so sorry, just PLEASE call me and let me know you got home ok. Please…”
Just as I hit “7” to delete both messages, my phone started to ring again and Alice’s name shone bright on the screen. I didn’t want to talk to her. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. If I spoke to Alice, she would just bring up brunch and I couldn’t talk about that right now. She wouldn’t understand anyway and then I’d just get more and more upset with her. I flipped the switch on the left side of my phone to silence it, put it back on the side table and curled myself back up into the fetal position, willing my mind to once again go numb.
I stayed in bed, both dozing off and staring out my bedroom window, until my stomach forced me to get up. It was 7:12pm by the time I made it down to the kitchen to start dinner. My hand automatically picked up my cell as I passed my bedside table on my way downstairs and I noticed that Alice had called four more times, but hadn’t left any messages. There was even a missed call from Jasper. She’s going to keep calling until I deal with her. This is Alice we’re talking about.
I stared at my phone while leaning against my kitchen counter, my finger hovering over the “messages” button, until I decided a text would be best.
I’m home.
It was short, kinda direct but it said all I needed to say for Alice to stop calling. I pressed “send” and then turned off my phone completely. I didn’t need anyone else trying to “fix me” today. With my phone shoved into the pocket of my bathrobe, I opened my nearly empty cupboards and pulled out a can of soup for dinner. This will have to do.
After pouring my hot chicken and rice soup into a cup, I went to sit in the living room, flopping down into my plush tan couch and turning on the TV. I was originally supposed to go out with Alice and Jasper for some 4th of July fireworks, but in all honesty, right now I was actually relishing in the fact that I was alone. There was no way that I could have gone out celebrating. I could hear the festivities going on in the neighborhood; kids laughing and screaming, mini fireworks already going off, neighbors enjoying each other’s company and I wanted none of it.
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