Prologue

Prologue

That's it. I'm done. I honestly didn't know how much more I could take and I wasn't sure I was willing to find out where my mental breaking point was. My own sanity was now hanging by a thread. No, a thread is too sturdy, I'm hanging by a single strand of hair. Frail, thin, limp hair.

With my eyes closed, I slowly inhaled a not-so-calming breath and hesitantly parted my eyelids.

Because you have shared in our lives
by your friendship and love
we,

MARY ALICE BRANDON
and
JASPER THEODOR WHITLOCK

together, with our parents,
invite you to share
the beginning of our new life together
when we exchange marriage vows
on
Saturday, the tenth of July, two thousand ten
at three o'clock at

THE GREAT HALL
at Union Station
401 S Jackson Street
Seattle, WA 98104

I closed my eyes again as a single tear dropped from the outer corner of my left eye. Yup, there's the limit. Four weddings in one summer. The continual proof that everyone was moving on with their life, coupling up, going forward, growing up, while I sat by and tried to figure out what gift to bestow upon my agonizingly happy, partnered up friends who had found their other half.

First, Angela and Ben, who, let's be honest, would have gotten married after high school if it wasn't frowned upon by their parents, then Mike and Jessica, and Sam and Emily. And now here I was, holding the invitation to my best friend's wedding in my hand, the wedding for which I was the maid of honor and knew was coming for the past year and which was now a couple of weeks away. But still, somehow, and I would never say this to Alice, it broke my heart a little bit.

It wasn't the fact that Alice and Jasper were getting married, they were so obviously destined to be together that I still couldn't believe that it took them this long. After denying their feelings all through college, they finally admitted they loved each other one drunken night after graduation. They had 'officially' been together for 4 years before Jasper proposed. And after a year and a half of getting the wedding in order, the day was finally arriving and I was truly happy for them.

But the thing that always broke my heart and made the tears come, was that each wedding invitation that came in the mail seemed to mock me with their 'Ms. Isabella Swan and Guest'. Everyone knew that I didn't have an 'and guest'. I hadn't had an 'and guest' for nearly, oh God, do I really have to count the years..., a long time. Too long in fact. So long that people started to ask me what was the matter with me that I wasn't dating anyone.

Shaking my head to erase this depressing thought, I took out the reply card and checked the 'I would be honored to attend' box, wrote my name in the appropriate space and put a stroke through the empty space for my 'and guest'. Each time that stroke slid through the empty name slot, I felt like I was carving a tick mark through my heart. Reminder number 892 that I'm alone.

As I solemnly left the lone envelope on the kitchen table, I walked to my room to finish my laundry. What a way to spend a Saturday. I was on auto pilot, taking my laundry out of the basket, putting it away and trying to figure out how the hell I was going to make it through this wedding. Although I had already make it through three other weddings this summer, barely, I was nervous about this one. Alice was not like my high school friends Angela and Ben, who I hadn't really kept in close contact with throughout the years, or our college friends Mike and Jess who we really only saw when we got together at the lodge for a couple of drinks once a month, or even Emily, who I only saw at work. I saw Alice 6 days a week, spoke to her almost every day and she's been my best friend for 9 years. Alice could see right through me. Don't get me wrong, I was good at hiding how I really felt, but Alice knew me better than anyone.

Over the years, I had become the master of concealing my emotions. Whenever I was out with friends, they never knew that I was dying inside at being the only single person around a table of couples. Or when we went to the bar and man after man looked past me to hit on my thinner or prettier friends, I never let it show. I would laugh, partake in their discussions, join in the fun, but almost daily, I would cry over my loneliness. No one, not even Alice, who I had lived with for 5 years during and after college, knew about this. She knew that I was lonely and unhappy, but she didn't know that it was this bad, and she most definitely didn't know about the crying.

We saw each other every day at Seattle Academy of Arts and Science, where Alice and I both taught, and although we saw each other before school and at lunch, there were still things that I couldn't tell her. It wasn't easy admitting to your best friend that you believe that your life has become a failure, that it was too late for you and that you have, at the age of 28, started to come to terms with the fact that you will probably be a single virgin for the rest of your life. And even when I tried to think positively about myself and my lot in life and hopes for a future, that 'he' was still out there somewhere, the numbers didn't lie; 6, 6, 2, 3 and 0.

6 years since my last 'relationship'
6 years since the last time I have been kissed
2 'relationships' in my entire life
3 months being the longest one back in high school
0 times anyone has ever told me I was beautiful.

It just wasn't in the cards for me; happiness, a partner, love. And although I was so extremely happy that my friends were getting their happily ever after, it stung that I was left behind. They were all on the road, driving off into the storybook sunset, and there I was, standing on the sidewalk, looking at the pavement and wondering if I was ever going to step off the curb. And no matter what I did to convince myself that fate had other plans, no matter what I kept telling myself, whenever it came to love, I honestly never felt that I was good enough to truly deserve it.