Thursday, August 5
I
couldn’t get the smile off my face. I had been at school since 8:30, setting up
the classroom and decorating it all. I had food and drinks laid out, music
playing from the corner of the room and games set up all over the floor. Behind
my desk was a surprise for each student. I had been up early finishing them all
and was quite please with how everything turned out.
I had
purchased hard cover journals, gone to the dollar store, purchased scrapbooking
material and personalized a journal and bookmark for each student. It wasn’t
much, and as their teacher, I shouldn’t have been giving them a gift in the
first place, but I was so proud of them that I couldn’t help myself. Besides,
it was fun to be crafty.
At
9:30, a full half hour before the class officially started, students started
arriving and didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t told them about the party and
hadn’t given them any indication what their last day of summer school would
hold. And by the smiles on their faces, the excitement in their eyes, and the
squeals of joy that emanated out of their mouths, I knew that keeping it a
surprise was the right thing to do.
We
left the music loud, as we were the only class in the school, played games, and
snacked on the munchies I brought. Eventually, the excitement settled down and
we went over what they had learned this summer. I was surprised how emotional I
felt when the students commented on their own development over the summer. I
couldn’t believe that I had actually made a difference in these kids’ lives in
just a couple of months. For the first time in…ever…I felt competent, worthy,
and important. I had made a difference. I had done something to help these kids
grow and learn.
To
stop the growing lump in my throat, I grabbed the journals that I had gotten
each of them and handed them out. I had written a little note to each of the
students, praising the work they did and encouraging them to keep writing.
As
the class wound down and the last little scraps of food got nibbled up, I
excused the kids early and started to clean up. It wasn’t until I heard a
throat clear that I noticed none of the students had actually left the
classroom.
“Miss
Swan?” Lydia
asked, as all the kids stood side by side, glancing at each other. “We got you
a little something, too.”
Linc
went out into the hallway and came back with a huge card and wrapped box with a
big red bow on top.
“A
little help?” he asked, as it was hard for him to carry the large gift and the
oversized card all at once.
I
went to help him, but some of the students led me to my desk, while others
helped Linc carry the present. I was literally pushed to sit on the corner of my
desk while the class all gathered around.
“The
gift is from everyone, Miss Swan,” Bryan
said, and helped put the gift on my desk. “We just wanted to say thank you for
all the work you’ve done with us this summer. You’ve made a huge difference in
our lives and we want you to know that we’ll never forget it. And hopefully,
you’ll never forget us.”
Tears
were trickling down my face when Linc put the oversized card on my lap.
“Of
course I won’t forget you guys. No other student’s have made me cry,” I
laughed, as I started to open the card.
Each
student had written a beautiful message, which only made the tears continue.
“Thank
you, everyone. This is so sweet.” I tried to wipe away the tears that trickled
down my cheek as daintily as possible before going to the large box.
I
lifted off the lid and gasped when I looked inside.
“Holy
crap!!” My hand automatically covered my mouth as the words left my lips. The
students grinned and chuckled. “Sorry, but guys, this is too much.”
One
at a time, I removed each item and set it on the table.
There
was a fake Oscar trophy that had “Award of Excellence” on the front. A hard cover
copy of the book each student studied this summer, a copy of each of their
‘additions’ to the story, bound to look like a real book, a beautiful leather
journal that had a fall leaf pattern on it, and an individual letter written
and sealed from each student.
Another
treacherous tear slid down my cheek as I hugged each of them. I knew that I was
being completely unprofessional but I couldn’t help it. These kids had shown me
my value and worth more than a thousand hours with Dr. James ever would.
After
I packed everything up and had some help taking everything to my truck, I
headed home faster than I ever had before. By the time I got to the front door,
I was surprised I hadn’t gotten a ticket. I jumped out of the truck, left the
gift and card on the passenger seat, and ran into the house.
“Edward?”
I yelled as I ran around looking for him. My smile wouldn’t subside and my
excitement wouldn’t wane. I was so excited to share my day with him.
“Edward?”
I yelled again as I ran upstairs. It wasn’t until I was standing right in front
of the bathroom door that I realized the shower was running.
I burst in, ripped the shower curtain aside and jumped in with Edward, clothes,
shoes and all.
“What
the…Bella?” Edward gasped as I launched myself at his wet, naked body, and
wrapped my arms tightly around him. The tears started to fall once again as I
squeezed him tighter. I honestly felt like life was perfect. I felt successful,
accomplished, and most importantly, fulfilled. I had it all. A career that I
finally realized I was good at, the testament of kids showing how much of a
difference I made in someone else’s life, and the love of an amazing man who
held me tightly as I smiled into his chest.
“Bella,
what’s wrong? You’re scaring me!” Edward’s voice had a hint of panic in it as
he released his hold on me and pushed me back so that he could see me. The
smile on my face must have confused him even more as his eyebrows knitted
together and his head tilted to the side.
I
stretched up on my toes and kissed him long, hard and deep.
“Nothing’s
wrong, Edward,” I laughed. “I just had a fantastic day.”
“Then
why are you crying?” he asked as he wiped a tear from my cheek.
“I’m
just…” I looked into his eyes and let out a light chuckle. It was still hard
for me to say the words, as simple as they were. “I’m just really happy.”
A
smile spread across Edward’s lips as he, in return, let out a small laugh.
“So
let me get this straight,” he started as he pushed my now wet hair behind my
ear. “You jumped in the shower completely dressed and are crying in my arms
because you’re happy?”
I
just nodded as the smiles on both our faces grew.
“You’re
a strange one, you know that?” Edward laughed as he pulled me tight against his
chest.
“I
love you,” I said as I kissed his wet, naked skin. “I wanted to share my
happiness with you.”
“I
love you, too,” he whispered into the top of my head.
“I
love you more.”
Edward
leaned down and captured my lips with his. The kiss was hot, urgent and beyond
passionate. As he pulled back, he stared deeply into my eyes as if begging me
to understand something.
“That’s
not possible.” He smiled as he pressed his lips to mine again.
Edward
shut off the water and helped me out of the shower.
“So
why are you so happy?” he asked as he wrapped a towel around his waist and I
started to take my shirt off.
“Well,”
I smiled as I lifted the soaking wet shirt over my head and hung it over the
side of the tub to dry. “The kids were just amazing today.” I held onto
Edward’s outstretched hands as I stepped out of my slippery sandals and wiggled
out of my pants. “They loved the journals and the games, but…” The lump
returned to my throat and my smile grew as I remember how they thanked me and
praised the work I did with them.
Edward
wrapped a towel around my shoulders as I looked up at him with the new and
strange feeling of self actualization. “But what they said was just
incredible.”
As we
walked to my bedroom to get changed, I told Edward about what the students said
they learned, what they wrote in the card and the gifts they got me. I was
immediately reminded that there was a letter in the box from each of them that
I hadn’t opened yet. I was overwhelmed with excitement, humbleness, pride, and
gratification that I kept cutting myself off to tell Edward something else.
We
got dressed and made our way to my truck to get the gifts and card that I had
left in there. I couldn’t get the smile off my face. Edward would ask me to
expand on what a student said or explain why I was only now feeling
gratification at my job. And each time I would say something, he would
encourage and re-emphasize my feelings, telling me how important the work I did
was, how important I was.
We
sat on the couch and read each letter the student wrote. I just couldn’t stop
sharing my job with him. Some letters I would read aloud to him, but when I
would get choked up at the words, he would take the letter and resume where I
had left off. We took our time reading all twelve letters, him questioning some
things the students wrote and me going into expansive detail about the lesson,
the game, or the assignment.
Edward
knew a lot of what I had done in the class as I tended to use him as a sounding
board for some of my ideas. But nevertheless, it took us almost two hours to
get through all twelve letters. By the time we were done, we had somehow ended
up sitting on opposite ends of the couch, Edward rubbing my feet, which were
stretched out into his lap.
“Well,”
Edward started as he kissed my big toe, and in a blur, grabbed both my ankles
and pulled me down the couch. A squeal left my lips as I was dragged to his
side of the couch and he was leaning over me. “I think we should go out to
celebrate.” He leaned over and kissed me
tenderly as we both smiled against the other’s lips.
oooOOOooo
Dinner
had been fabulous. We went to Laurelhurst park, where I had given Edward the
key to my house. We sat in our little meadow with the wild flowers growing and
the wind softly dancing through the trees, and ate the subs we grabbed on our
way over. We stayed there until the air started to cool and the kid’s baseball
game started on the other side of the trees.
On
the way home, we were quiet. Edward drove and I held his hand on the gearshift
as he drove. Edward would be sleeping at his place tonight and I would be
sleeping in mine. He had an early morning meeting and he said that I needed my
sleep.
“Why
are you concerned about me getting enough sleep? You know I sleep better with
you then I do alone.”
He
pulled into my driveway and turned the ignition off but didn’t get out of the
car.
“Edward?”
I prodded as I undid my seatbelt and shifted to look at him.
“Well,
I know how emotional last week’s appointment was for you and I know you didn’t
really like seeing Dr. James, so I figured if you had a goodnights sleep, maybe
tomorrow’s appointment would go better. Besides, I have to get up early
tomorrow and don’t want to wake you up and have you start stressing about your
appointment at the crack of dawn.”
My
mind was completely blank as I registered what Edward was saying. He thought I
was going to see Dr. James tomorrow, as I had last Friday. I had never called
to schedule the appointment, but I hadn’t told Edward that I wasn’t going to
see him again. And seeing how Dr. James was a professional colleague of
Edward’s and was doing him a favour by seeing me, he probably had a standing
appointment held for me every Friday.
“Edward…I…come
inside for a minute. I need to talk to you about something.”
We
walked silently to the door and immediately sat in the living room. I didn’t
even know how to begin this discussion. How could I tell the man that I love
that I don’t want the favour he pulled for me? How could I tell him that the
professional he said was amazing and could help was an egotistical ass who made
me feel infinitely worse about myself? How could I tell him, after he pleaded
with me to get help, that I didn’t want the help he found for me? Or any help
at this point.
I
opened and closed my mouth a couple times before I finally took a large breath
and let the floodgates open.
“I
don’t like Dr. James!” Well that wasn’t how I wanted to start. I paused
as I tried to find a new starting point.
“Last
week when I went to Dr. James’ office, you remember how I
just ran out of the room, grabbed your hand and left?” I politely waited for
Edward to nod before I continued. “Well, I ran out of there because I was more
uncomfortable speaking to him than I am speaking with Charlie.”
I
took another pause and Edward patiently waited for me to get my thoughts in
order. He simply held my hands and gently squeezed them in reassurance.
“I
don’t know if I want to see him again. Well, actually, I do know. I don’t
want to see him again. He made me feel very uncomfortable and left me with a
greater feeling of uncertainty than when I first entered his office. I never
called to make a follow up appointment.”
“Bella,”
Edward hedged. “I know you didn’t have a great experience last week. That was
painfully obvious by the death grip you had on my hand waiting for the
elevator. But could it have all just been nerves from going to therapy for the
first time?”
He
had a pleading look in his eyes, begging me to think about what he was saying
and truly analyze why I didn’t like Dr. James.
“I
know you’re hesitant to talk to a professional and you’d much rather just talk
to me. And it’s amazing the little steps that you’ve already taken. But please,
don’t give up just yet. Give it one more shot and if you truly don’t like
James, we’ll find someone you like better. I promise.”
Now
was not the time to tell Edward that it wasn’t just Dr. James that I was
hesitant about, it was the whole ‘therapy’ situation. I wanted to be
comfortable and confident in my insecurities, as contradictory as that sounded,
before I had a stranger pick my life and my problems apart. I knew that simply
reading the books I ordered and taking the vitamins and teas that were being
shipped would be a step backwards, but wasn’t taking a step voluntarily better
than being pressured or pushed to take a step?
But
maybe it is just Dr. James.
The thought seeped into my mind as I continued to look at Edward’s pleading
eyes. He did have a point that I had only gone to one session with Dr. James,
one therapy session period, and had called it quits. Wasn’t I ready to call Dr.
Cook, the therapist that the clinic had suggested when I went in with my depression
questionnaire? So maybe it wasn’t about giving up therapy, maybe it was about
finding a shoe that fit. New shoes always needed to be broken in before they
were comfortable, and I wasn’t giving therapy, or Dr. James for that matter, a
chance to be broken in. I walked in, felt some pressure and walked out, never
trying it on again.
And
if my mental turmoil over the situation was any indication, running away from a
problem was not the solution. So with a lot of reluctance, I told Edward that I
would give it another shot.
Tomorrow
would be round two with Dr. James.
