Friday
August 6
Edward
was wrong.
He
slept at his house last night so that I could get a good night’s sleep before
today’s appointment with Dr. James. He didn’t want me to wake up when he did,
since he would have to get up at the crack of dawn, so he let me sleep alone in
my big, cold, empty bed.
Well,
for being a doctor, he sure was an idiot. I hadn’t had a nightmare since we
started sharing a bed, and of course last night, the nightmares started up
again. And unlike my previous dreams, this one wasn’t a mock or a farfetched
fear. This one was about my appointment today. It was about the questions Dr.
James would ask, the buttons he would push and the answers he would analyze in
order to get to my real pain.
By
the time I woke up, my dream had me completely broken down, doubting myself and
regressed to my ‘pre-Alice’s-wedding state’ as I called it. I was anxious,
nauseous, and couldn’t get back to sleep.
Stupid Edward and his stupid courteous
behaviour.
I had
reluctantly called Dr. James’ office this morning and asked if he still had an
opening today. Luckily, or unluckily as I was starting to see it, my
appointment slot was still vacant. And even more unfortunate, was that the
feelings that were prevalent in my dream, followed me all morning.
"Miss
Swan?"
I
shook myself out of my reverie and re-focused on my surroundings. I was sitting
in the waiting room waiting to be summoned by the creepy therapist. The same
receptionist who hit on Edward last week sat behind her desk and was glaring at
me expectantly.
"Dr.
James will see you now."
"Oh,
uh, thank you." My voice was soft and full of tension. And as I collected
my purse and put back the magazine I held but hadn't bothered to open, I saw a
roll of the eyes and an unladylike snort escape the bitch behind the desk.
I
braced myself as I walked down the hall and stood in front of Dr. James' door.
Last week, the rude receptionist walked me down and opened the door for me. But
today, I was directed to the door and had to find the courage to knock and open
the door myself. As small of a change as it was, I felt like I was thrown into
a new job after only watching an orientation video. I had an idea of what to
expect, but no preparation at all.
Without
giving myself a chance to second guess my action, I knocked on the mahogany
door and stood, waiting for instruction. Expecting just a simple "come
in," I was taken aback when the door opened and Dr. James stood in front
of me, a proud smile on his face.
"Well,
Miss Swan. I'm glad you came back. Please, come in."
After
taking the same seat I was directed to last week and then watching the same
routine of Dr. James getting himself a drink but not offering one to me, we sat
across from each other in silence.
"Well,
Miss Swan," he started, without any form of customary pleasantry or small
talk. "Are you willing to continue where we left off and impart your
philosophy of fate on me this week?"
It
took me a moment to understand what he was talking about. I remembered we had
left off talking about one of the points on humanistic psychology; that
everyone must take personal responsibility for their actions, whether the
result was positive or negative. In his opinion, I was in control of my life
and needed to be accountable for the path my life had taken. I, on the other
hand, said that although I did have control over some elements of my life, fate
also took part of the blame.
"Well,"
I hedged, "I still believe that although we are definitely accountable for
elements of our lives, we can't be accountable for everything in our life that
has shaped who we are. I have no control over how other people view or treat
me. It's peoples free will. I can't control that."
Immediately,
Dr. James started writing things down in his book with a sinister sneer on his
face, as if he was already goading me into his trap.
"What
do you mean 'peoples free will'? Don't you think you have an influence over how
people treat you?" There was a smile in his voice as Dr. James started his
analysis of my answers.
"To
some extent, yes, but not explicitly."
"Why
not? Clearly who you are determines how people relate and react to you."
For
some reason, that statement made me angry. He was implying that people aren't
who they innately are, but that we simply react to each other. That people
don't have different opinions, morals, values, ideals and personalities. We
just feed off each other, causing reactions and consequences, instead of making
decisions. That everyone is reactive, not action or purpose driven. That the victim isn't a victim because of the
action of the perpetrator, but because they acted like a victim in the first
place.
"I
know that no matter how kind I was, Jacob always took advantage of me and that
changed how I saw my self-worth. No matter what I did to help my father, kept
in touch and worked at being a good daughter, Charlie never saw me or
appreciated what I did. And no matter how much baggage I have, or how much I
don't believe I deserved it, Edward will always love me." The words were
out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying.
"Who's
Jacob?"
Those
two words shocked me more than anything he had said so far. I hadn't even
realized that I had brought up Jake until it was too late. I didn't want to
talk about Jacob and the influence he had on my life. I knew that I blamed him
for how I saw myself and how I acted in relationships, but he couldn't take all
the blame. It was my fault for allowing him to have so much control over my
life for so many years. I kept going back to him, knowing that I shouldn't but
never thinking I could get any better. I was settling for something I didn't
want, someone who treated me poorly because I never thought I could get any
better.
This
was the stuff that I didn't want to get into with someone I wasn't comfortable
with. Maybe with a different doctor that I trusted and built some sort of a
foundation with, but not with Dr. Creepy. But then on the other hand, the
likelihood of me coming back to see Dr. James was slim. So perhaps telling him,
knowing I'd never see him again, might be beneficial.
"Jacob
is an old boyfriend."
I
knew that Dr. James would dig deeper so I thought that I'd start out as
simplistically as I could. And I was right. He asked more about Jacob and if I
had never taken that romantic road with Jacob, where I thought my life would
be? Would it look better than the one I was living?
The
majority of the questions I didn't have an answer for. It was all hypothetical
situations that I would have no way of definitively knowing. I answered some of
the questions, like if Jacob was a good experience or a bad one and how his
treatment of me shaped how I saw myself, but the rest I evaded.
At
the end of what seemed like the longest hour of my life, Dr. James ripped out a
page from his book and handed it to me.
"Well,
Miss Swan, our time is up. But I want you to take these questions home and
think about them."
I
looked at the sheet in my hand and four questions written on it.
What
do you need to achieve your desired potential?
What
responsibility do you have to yourself to live a more positive, fulfilling
life?
What
motivators do you have in your life?
What
motivates you to get up, to go to work, to grow as a person?
We
said a quick goodbye and I left the office, once again walking past his
receptionist without scheduling a follow-up appointment. I didn't know how I
felt after this second session. Dr. James still freaked me out, although he had
given me a lot to think about. It was frightening how honest I had been in my
thoughts of Jacob and how, although I knew he was partially to blame, so was I.
I didn't want to admit that to Dr. James, but it made sense that I was
accountable, to some degree, for allowing Jake to shape who I was. I knew that
he didn't treat me properly, but I made the conscious decision to keep going
back to him. Maybe Dr. James was right about personal accountability.
I was
in a daze as I made my way home, thinking about the session. The more I thought
about it, the more Dr. James' words and philosophy came together. I kept going
back to Jake, hoping he would treat me better or see me differently. I was the
one who called Charlie weekly even though there was really no point. He never
saw me, never cared, but I always hoped. I allowed both these men to walk all
over me and never stood up for myself. Why would they think there was anything
wrong with how they were treating me if I kept falling into the same roles I
had with them and never said anything to the contrary?
I was
half way to the door before I noticed I was home and that Edward's car was in
the driveway. I was actually looking forward to talking to him about today's
session. To get his opinion on my new insight.
"Edward?"
I called as I walked in and kicked off my flip flops.
"In
here," he called from the kitchen.
I
walked into the dining room to see papers and books spread out all over the
table and Edward leaning over a file with a pencil in his mouth. He looked
adorable sitting at the table with his hand in his hair, messing it up even
more, a studious look on his face and chewing on the pencil. He was clearly
deep in thought about something.
"What's
all this?" I asked as I walked up beside him and kissed the top of his
head.
"Just
research that they gave out at this morning's meeting. It was a debriefing of
the webinar from earlier in the week. The British Association that was hosting
the webinar emailed the Chief a couple of sample case studies based on the new
philosophies that were discussed and we have the weekend to develop a treatment
plan."
"They
gave you homework?" I couldn't keep the chuckle out of the voice when I
saw the look of distress on Edward's face. He looked like a college kid
cramming for finals.
"Yeah,
I know," he answered, as he closed the file that was open in front of him.
"I didn't sign up for this." The smile on his face was a clear
indication that he was joking. He was in his element and loving every minute of
it.
He
pivoted in his chair, wrapped his arms around my waist and looked up at me with
playful eyes. "Hi," he said sweetly as he lifted his chin, clearly
looking for a kiss.
I
leaned down, placed a soft, gentle kiss on his lips. "Hi," I answered
back as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "So how is the case study
going?"
"Good
actually, but I could use a study break. Want to join me?"
Edward
and I walked down the street hand-in-hand to the ice cream shop on the corner.
The entire way, he was talking about the study and his hypothetical treatment
plan, using the new philosophies discussed in the seminar. We each got a cone
at the window and continued to walk to Madison Beach.
"So
tell me how this morning went?" Edward asked as we sat on the grass and
stared out at the water.
We
sat on the grass, eating our ice cream and talked about my session with Dr.
James. Edward was actually a bit surprised at his cold demeanor and lack of
social pleasantries but agreed that Dr. James seems to be getting me to think.
We were also on the same page when it came to fate. He agreed that although we
do have a lot of control, not everything in our life is up to us.
"So
are you going to go back next week?" Edward asked as we threw out our napkins
and started heading home.
"I
don't know. I agree that he's making me think, and that the questions he gave
me to think about are important things to address, but there's just something
about him."
"So
it wasn't the idea of therapy that you don't like, just James?"
I
thought about our conversation yesterday and how Edward was concerned that I
was bailing on therapy after just going once.
"No,
it's not therapy I don't like. I just want to find someone I am more
comfortable with. And I want to be more comfortable with myself before I start
opening up to a stranger and letting them analyze my life. I want to know and
trust the person digging around."
We
walked in silence for a bit before Edward spoke in a gentle tone.
"I
agree," he said as he squeezed my hand in assurance. "You should feel
comfortable opening yourself up to someone. If you're closed off and concerned
about what someone will think, you won't be honest and receptive to their
opinion."
It
surprised me how easily he saw my way of thinking. I was always concerned that
he would be disappointed in me for not wanting to do therapy anymore. I truly
did underestimate how much he got me.
By
the time we got home, we had agreed that I would still like to get some help,
but not with Dr. James. I told him about the number I got for Dr. Cook and we
discussed the option of seeing her. Edward said that if I wanted to give her a
call, he would support it 100% but said he would ask around to see if there
were any other humanistic psychologists in the area, as this approach seemed to
be working. It seemed like we had a plan that we were both happy with. At that
moment, I had no idea why I was so worried about talking to him about my
concerns with Dr. James. Clearly, he would still want me to go and give it an
honest effort, but he knew me, knew what would work best for me and I trusted
him. All that worrying was for nothing.
"What's
that smile about?" I asked as we walked up the driveway and into the
house. For some reason, he had a developed a mischievous grin and seemed to be
excited about something.
"Well,"
he smiled, "you're done with school now and I have a couple of days off
coming up. I was just thinking that we should go away somewhere."
"Where
were you thinking?" I asked as we settled onto the couch. I was concerned
that he wanted to take some grand trip somewhere that I couldn't afford. I
remembered the argument we had when we first started dating about him wanting
to take me to a fancy restaurant. I didn't want to go through that again.
"It
doesn't matter. Let’s just get away. We can rent a cottage somewhere, or go
camping. We can go to Forks if you want. Let’s just get out of the city for a
couple of days."
Before
I could stop it, my smile vanished. "No Forks."
Edward
looked at me with a perplexed expression.
"I
don't want to run into Charlie or Jacob."
At
the mention of Jake's name, Edward stiffened and quickly agreed. "You're
right. It would be better if Jake and I never met. I honestly don't know what I
would do if I ever met the man who hurt you so much."
I
remained silent as Edward stared off into space, more than likely thinking
about what he would do if that situation actually occurred. But within no time,
that mischievous smile returned. His eyes got an excited look in them and he
was almost radiating off the cushion.
"I
know the perfect place."
