Made to Live Alone

Chapter 5

Wednesday, July 7th

The morning was rough. I had cried more last night than I was expecting. I guess sitting in my bathtub and finishing the can of chocolate icing wasn’t the best way to ensure my spirits were lifted. It wasn’t until about 1am that I was finally all cried out, but still my sleep was not peaceful, it never was. In my entire life, I didn’t think that I had ever slept an entire night through without tossing and turning or waking up a couple of times.

Sleep was normally the time for relaxation, turning your thoughts off and getting some much needed rest from your day. Most importantly, it was a time for your mind to dream, for your brain to wish and your heart to hope. Unfortunately, the only thing that my heart was full of was agony and loneliness and my brain, my stupid brain only ever wished for things that made my heart ache even more.

Slowly rolling onto my back, I stared up at the ceiling and did nothing but think. Bella Swan…this is your life. Eventually, I tossed the covers off and literally rolled to the side of the bed, lowering my legs so that I could stand up and get dressed like the mature and responsible adult I was pretending to be.

I went over to my closet and grabbed the first things I touched. I wasn’t in the mood to play dress-up this morning. My hand ended up grabbing a pair of white slacks and a bright pink sleeveless billowing top with a matching skinny belt. What the …?! I didn’t even know I owned anything pink. ALICE!! That’s it, I’m taking my emergency key back. With a huff of my breath and a lowering of my shoulders, I trudged to the washroom to wash my face and brush my teeth, then came back into my room and got dressed, coated my eyelashes with mascara and put on my everyday silver hoops and solitaire necklace. I was too tired to do anything with my hair so I just left it down, knowing that by noon, it would be twisted up with a pencil due to the freakin’ hot classroom that had to be some kind of health hazard.

What to have for breakfast? I thought, as I lifelessly walked down to the kitchen. Looking through my still barren fridge, freezer and pantry, I decided that my chocolate icing would have to tide me over. I put some dry Cheerios in a Ziploc bag for later in case I got hungry and left for school.

The truck was hot, the air outside was thick and for some reason, traffic was a bitch. I felt like I was in the movie “Office Space”, the part where Peter changes lanes into the moving lane, just to have it stop as the traffic lane he was previously in begins to move. Clearly today was not my day.

Luckily, by 9:52, my truck was parked and I had walked into my classroom, where the students were already in their seats and were laughing away and talking to each other. I slumped up to the front of the class, threw down my bag and leaned on the front of my desk.

“Alright everyone, sorry I’m late.” The class quieted down as all the students got settled and faced me with those typical eager eyes. I don’t think that I’ve ever looked at something with such interest or excitement. At least I’m doing a good job as a teacher.

“So today I want us to take turns and present our work from yesterday. I want each of you to just read one of your Shrek characters viewpoints and then for the rest of the day, I’ll give you free time to work on your chapter assignment which is due on Tuesday.”

I reluctantly slid off my desk and went to my work bag to pull out all the students work from yesterday. I handed out their assignments and gave them a couple of minutes to go over what they wrote and decide which point of view they wanted to present.

“Alright everyone,” I interrupted, “we’re going to get started. Is there anyone who wants to go first?”

The class went dead silent. No one wanted to share what they wrote. Obviously I wasn’t as good of a teacher as I thought I was since all my students were unsure about their work. “Come on guys, everyone is going to have to present today so someone might as well start.”

The class remained silent as all the students looked around at each other and purposefully avoided my eyes. Reluctantly, Seth, the most outgoing and forward student in my class, raised his hand to present his project.

“Thank you Seth, I appreciate it.” I told him as I went to take a seat at the back of the class so I could enjoy the presentations with everyone else. Seth walked up to the front of the room with a definite hesitation and cleared his throat before he began.

“Alright everyone,” he began with an uncustomary shake to his voice, “I chose to do my point of view from one of the three little pigs.”

With another clearing of his throat, Seth began. He jumped right into the part, putting on a fake accent, just like in the movie, whenever he decided to give the character dialogue. The entire class erupted into laughter at Seth’s antics and immediately the tension in the room was gone. His point of view was hilarious, making the pigs sound like a cross between German yodelers and Malibu airheads.

I literally had to wipe a tear from my eye from laughing so hard at the end of his presentation. The class erupted in cheers and claps as Seth took his seat and we waited for the next presentation. “Excellent job Seth, I’m impressed at how well you acted the part of the ditzy pig.” The class giggled more, with Seth even joining in. “Thanks Miss Swan,” he replied, “it’s all in the accent.”

After that, students became incredibly eager to share their work. Some were quite good while some were so out in left field that they were completely ridiculous, but hysterical.

After all the students presented their stories, I left them to work on their actual project, which was to retell a complete chapter of the book they had been studying. As the students all settled at a computer around the room, I sat behind my desk and pulled out my grading binder. I had re-collected all their Shrek work and graded all of them for additional “bonus marks” for the class. After everything was marked, I tallied up their assignment marks, that way I could give the students an idea of where they were in my class so far. The school board frowned upon the idea of informally handing out progress reports without official report cards, but I didn’t care. I was proud of my students and wanted them to know how well they were doing.

One by one, I called each student up to my desk to talk to them about their standing so far in the class and to check up on their assignment, also to see whose point of view they decided to write from and check on their progress. The students were all smiles when they saw their grades, no one under an 80%, and although I was known throughout the school as a hard marker, I couldn’t deny the excellent work this group had produced over the summer.

A little before 1:00, I got the classes attention, told them to finish off what they were doing, make sure they saved their work and dismissed them a bit early. I played it off as them deserving a little break because of their hard work and the hot classroom, but really, I needed to get out of there so that I could go and pick up the rings for Alice.

I made my way over to The Great Hall to meet Alice and pick up her engagement ring to make sure the wedding band fit properly against it. I parked my truck right beside the main doors and walked into the hall. Walking to the reception desk, I asked for Leah and found out that they were all together in one of the back rooms doing taste tests with the catering company and was told to go right on back, that they were expecting me. I slowly made my way down the brightly lit marble hallway to the second door on the left, as instructed, and knocked before poking my head in.

“Bella!!” Alice smiled as I walked in the door. The sight before me made me laugh. There was tiny little Alice, with five plates of food in front of her. She had completely cleared off one plate, eaten half of another plate, leaving a small piece of salmon and some bean medley, which she clearly didn’t like, and was just starting on her third plate with the dreaded Brussels sprouts. She pushed herself back from the table and met me at the door with a huge hug.

“You’re early. I wasn’t expecting you to be here until almost 2:00” she beamed up at me as she dragged me back to the table with her and forced me to sit down. She picked up her fork and speared a sprout, shoving it in my face. “Taste, they’re actually not bad.”

With a laugh, I took the fork from her and ate the sprout. Unknown to Alice, they were actually one of my favorite vegetables, and this batch didn’t disappoint. They had the perfect firmness, with just the right ratio of butter to salt. “They’re really good Alice. What do you think?”

She grabbed Jaspers fork from beside her and speared a sprout for herself and popped it in her mouth. “Hey!” Jasper laughed as he was in the process of cutting up a piece of stake to try with the forth veggie option of grilled zucchini and tomatoes.

“Oh, hush you,” she told him as she handed him back his fork so he could continue eating. That was one thing about Jasper, he was always a quiet man, but was exceedingly so when there was good food in front of him.

I laughed at the couple as I got up. “Well, I better get going and leave you two to your five course meal.”

“Alright. Now you remember what we talked about?” Alice glared at me as she bent down and pulled a chain out of her purse.

“Yes I remember. Anything wrong with the ring when I return means immediate pain for me.”

“Good,” she said as she lifted her left hand to remove her ring. Before she had the chance, Jasper lightly grasped her hand and placed a loving kiss on the ring, looking up at Alice with adoration in his eye. For the love of God, can I please have one day where my heart doesn’t break when I see others in love? It was such a simple act, but it was so loving. Alice pulled her hand back, gently running it through Jaspers hair, before she returned to me, taking off her ring and sliding it on the chain she removed from her purse. Clearly she had decided I was going to wear it as a necklace.

I placed the chain around my neck, made my way out to my truck and drove straight to the jewelers to pick up the rings for Alice and Jasper. They ended up having the band custom made to fit around Alice’s antique marquise cut ring, they were also having Jasper’s wedding band sized, so it was vital that everything was perfect.

I parked my truck once I arrived at the small family run jewelers and went inside. Once I opened the door, a bell above rang out loud to signify my entrance. Immediately, an elderly lady came around to the front of the store to greet me.

“Hello dear, welcome to ‘Sharon’s Jewelers’, can I help you find something in particular?” She was the cutest old lady I had ever seen. She had to be in her late 70’s with short curly white hair and one of the most genuine smiles I had ever seen.

“I’m actually here to pick up some rings. Last name is Brandon.” Her smile immediately grew tenfold and she looked up at me with utter joy.

“Oooo, the wedding bands. They are so incredibly gorgeous. Just give me a second, dear, and I’ll go get them.” She disappeared behind the back of the store and not 30 seconds later came back with two ring boxes which were both covered in dark black velvet.

“Here they are.” She started as she set both boxes down and opened the lids, revealing the glistening rings inside. “You must be one lucky woman to be marrying a man who gives you a ring like that. I saw a picture of the engagement ring and it is lovely dear. My mother had one very similar back in 1921 when she got married. The style is just darling. Your fiancé must be very old fashioned. What is your wedding dress like if I may ask?”

She looked at me with such genuine interest and excitement that it broke my heart to tell her it wasn’t my ring.

“Actually,” I started embarrassingly, “it’s not my wedding. I’m just picking them up for the bride. There was a conflict in appointments today.”

She looked at me with such a sad grandmother look that I had to lower my head. What the hell is wrong with me? Of course she would assume it was my wedding if I’m here to pick up the rings. I should know better than to let myself get caught off guard like this.

“Oh, I’m sorry dear. I just assumed since you were picking up the rings that they were for you. Usually when a woman comes to pick up the wedding bands, it’s the bride. Otherwise it’s typically the best man who picks them up.” I lifted my head to give her a small smile but said nothing in response.

Emmett was supposed to pick them up originally but had told Alice and Jasper last week that the shop was swamped and he wasn’t sure that he’d be able to get away. In truth, the best man was busy working at his garage with Rosalie restoring a 1948 vintage yellow Porsche that he bought at a car auction. The car badly needed to be restored and have a complete overhaul, as it wouldn’t even start, but if anyone could restore classic cars, it was “HALE’S Restoration”, Rose and Em’s shop. What Alice and Jasper didn’t know was that Rose and Emmett, as well as myself and the parents of the bride and groom were giving it to Jasper and Alice as a wedding gift. It was being restored so that they could use it for their honeymoon up the Pacific cost and through the Rocky Mountains into Vancouver.

I picked up Alice’s ring from the velvet box and held it up to the lights above. Alice’s band looked a little funny, as it was designed to fit seamlessly around Granny Whitlock’s antique white gold, Marquise cut diamond ring. I put Alice’s ring back down and reached around to unclasp the necklace Alice had forced me to wear to remove the wedding ring. Once I placed the band together with the engagement ring, it fit perfectly.

Alice’s engagement ring wasn’t really my style, but it suited Alice flawlessly. It was a very thin band, covered with tiny diamonds. The top was a marquise diamond, surrounded with the same type of diamonds that were around the band. Alice had her wedding band designed to match the antique feel of the engagement ring. It too had tiny diamonds all the way around, except for the thin “V” at the very top that would fit snugly under the marquise of her engagement ring.

I held both rings in my hand and turned them back and forth. It really was a beautiful set. I placed Alice’s wedding band back in its box, her engagement ring back on the chain around my neck and turned my focus to Jasper’s wedding band. It was white gold also and very “Jasper”. It was natural, and raw, with two sections of hammered out gold, separated by a chain band of polished gold. The hammered sections were polished and buffed and it almost looked like you were looking at a smooth rock bed at the bottom of a river.

I had to laugh at myself, saying that the ring was like Jasper: natural and raw. It made him sound like Davy Crockett or the Brawny paper towel man. Jasper wasn’t natural and raw in the outdoorsy sort of way, but he liked things simple, in their natural state, open and honest, no pretenses or pretending to be something else. That’s why Jasper and Alice fit so well. Alice was always 100% herself and always searched for the true person inside everyone she met. She was open and honest and loved without barriers.

I placed Jasper’s ring back in the box, closed both lids and finally brought my eyes to meet those of the kind, elderly lady in front of me. This will probably be the only time I ever get to go ‘ring shopping’.

“They’re perfect” I said in a small and timid voice. The smile on her face grew slightly sad as she looked at me. She slowly placed her right hand over my left, very much like a grandmother trying to comfort her granddaughter. “Your time will come dear,” she said as she patted my hand and then proceeded to get the paperwork for both the rings. Holy shit, this old lady could read my distress better than my family or friends and I’ve only known her for 10 minutes.

After paperwork was filled out and receipts were given, I placed both boxes in my purse and left the store feeling much more dejected then when I entered. I drove straight to Alice’s place, using my emergency key to let myself in, and placed both boxes on their kitchen table along with Alice’s engagement ring from around my neck, leaving a note for them as well as all the paperwork. The rings weren’t mine, there was no reason to keep them and torture myself any longer and Alice would want to see them right away after meeting with the justice of the peace.

I closed and locked Alice’s door, drove back home and did the worst thing imaginable; I loaded up my computer and started looking at engagement rings. The whole experience today made me think of what I would want in a ring. WHY???? Why am I doing this to myself? Do I like to look at things that will NEVER be mine? To look at a future I will never achieve?

I sat there for hours, literally hours, looking at different rings, shamefully saving pictures of the ones I liked under a folder called ‘Yeah, right’. How fitting. After looking at hundreds of rings, I got up to throw a frozen pizza in the oven and came back just to torture myself even more by looking, now, at wedding dresses.

By the time the timer went off for my pizza, I had 21 rings and 15 dresses saved in my ‘Yeah, right’ folder. I closed off my computer, went and took the pizza out of the oven, taking two pieces for myself and returned to the living room to completely put a cap on my ‘let’s torture Bella’ day. I walked over to my DVD unit, pulled out a movie and sat back as the menu to “P.S., I Love You”, lit up the screen.

Halfway through the movie, and shamefully half way through my Kleenex box, with only three pieces remaining from the whole pizza, I turned off the movie to compose myself.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep torturing myself and letting things like this break me. I needed to realize that the type of life where there is friendship, close family, a feeling of belonging, happiness and love would never happen for me and I had to accept it.

I took a deep breath as sparks shot across my chest and through my heart at this final and ultimate decision and when I let my breath out, everything vanished. I was left with a vast and complete emptiness inside. I felt like all my organs, my heart and lungs, everything inside me was gone, leaving nothing but a black cavern that would forever remain vacant.

I got up off the couch, not even caring to wipe away the tears falling down my face or even to check that my doors were locked and walked straight up to shower. I mechanically undressed and stepped into the stream of water. I didn’t even register if the water was warm or cold as it poured over my body, soaking my hair and every inch of skin. I stood there letting the water pound away at my naked body, all my faults, imperfections and shame on display. I had nothing more to hide, as I had no one to hide them from anyway.

I stood there until the light turned dark outside my bathroom window and the shower was shrouded in night. My tears had stopped, the lump in my throat was gone and the ache in my chest had evaporated. I didn’t care that my body was shaking and barely registered that my teeth were chattering.

I was officially numb. I had officially given up.