Chapter 23 Text

Sunday July 25

I stared at Dr. Cooks’ phone number as it was still stuck to my fridge. I had a cup of coffee in hand and was waiting for my toast to pop.

To call or not to call.

I was at the point where I had to either shit, or get off the pot. It was already 12:30pm and I had to decide what I was going to do, and decide quickly. I didn’t know how long her office would be open on a Sunday.

Last night had practically been non-existent. Although I went to bed at 10:30pm, I maybe slept for a total of three hours. My mind continued to flop back and forth over whether or not I should make the dreaded call and I was at a stale mate. Was it worth the shame and embarrassment to open up and ask someone else for help? Would it make me a better person or a weaker person admitting that I was broken and couldn’t fix myself? I just didn’t know what to do. Luckily, my toast popped out of the toaster and distracted me for the twenty-eight seconds it took for me to spread tuna salad over bread.

My phone rang just as I sat down at the kitchen table to eat. Edward and I had already had a brief and awkward conversation this morning. It was clear that he knew I was hiding something from him but being the gentleman he was; he refused to push me on it.

As I saw the caller ID on the phone, I huge smile spread across my face.

“Well hello, Mrs. Whitlock.”

“Hi, Bella!” I could practically see Alice jumping up and down on the other end of the phone. There was so much excitement in her voice.

“How’s the honeymoon going?”Alice’s excitement was contagious and I had never missed my best friend more than at that moment.

“Oh, Bella. It’s been so amazing. You’ll never guess where I am.” There was a pause in Alice’s speech as she waiting me for to actually guess.

“I don’t know Ali, where are you?”

“I’m at the hospital.”

My heart immediately dropped. There was no good reason for Alice to be at a hospital on her honeymoon.

“Al…what….are you okay?” My mind was racing through every possible scenario that would result in Alice being in the hospital; car accident, food poisoning, bear attack. With Alice, anything was possible.

“I’M PREGNANT!”

As excited as I was for Alice, it was as if a bomb had just gone off inside me. My heart broke just the smallest bit as I heard my doctor’s words playing over and over again on repeat. “I’m not saying that you can’t have kids, just that it may be very difficult for you to ever get pregnant.”

“The doctor said I’m about 8 weeks along.” Alice’s voice brought me back from my mental tirade. “I was really emotional last week and was calling Jasper out on everything. It wasn’t until he pointed out how moody I was that I realized what was going on. I had missed my period, but I thought it was just due to the stress of the wedding, but I guess I was wrong.”

“I’m so happy for you, Alice.” I had never tried so hard to sound genuinely happy in my entire life. “How’s Jasper taking the news?”

“Oh, you know him. He tries to be all strong and stoic, but I saw him wipe away a tear after the doctor told us.”

Alice and I continued to talk about her honeymoon, pregnancy and pending return. We never once touched upon anything that was going on in my life, and for that I was grateful. But once we hung up, I somehow felt neglected.

I wondered how I was going to explain everything that had happened over the past two weeks. How was I going to tell Alice about Edward, about me having sex for the first time and about possibly going into therapy?

My attention was immediately brought back to the number on my fridge. All of a sudden, it looked like a “Get Out of Jail Free” card. If everyone was moving forward in their lives - Emmett and Rose buying a house and getting married, Alice and Jasper having a baby and even Edward being at a conference, furthering his career – I was going to need all the help I could get to escape this emotional cage I was in.

My history with my parents and Jacob had taken away my freedom to think, act and be who I wanted. I was still, to this day, imprisoned by things that had gone on fifteen years ago. If I called Dr. Cook and worked with her to get better, maybe I could break free from all this self-doubt and finally move forward with my life.

Quickly taking the piece of paper off the fridge before I could change my mind, I called Dr. Cook’s number and waited for the line to pick up.

“You’ve reached the offices of Dr. Paul Baker and Dr. Evelyn Cook. Our office hours are Monday to Friday 8am to 8pm and Saturdays from 10am to 6pm. If this is an emergency, please hang up and call the Country Doctor Community Clinic, otherwise, please leave a message and someone will return you call. Thank you and have a nice day.” 

As the BEEP sounded through the phone, indicating that the answering machine had picked up, I, in turn, hung up. I’ll call another day.

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

That night, I had the worst sleep of my life; I dreamt that I was dead and no one cared.  

I was floating above myself as the news of my death spread. Charlie was the first one to receive the call. Although there was a hint of sadness on his face once he hung up with his depute, he simply took a breath and continued to his cruiser for a fishing trip that he had planned months ago.

Charlie called Renee, telling her the news and asked that she be there as he was on a fishing trip and would be unable to attend my funeral. Renee, however, was more concerned about her pottery class than about the death of her daughter.

Renee called Alice and told her about my death. Renee told Alice that Charlie was unable to attend because of a previous engagement and she, herself, was unable to attend because she had a test in her pottery class that day. Unfortunately, Alice and Jasper were away on family vacation with their newborn baby girl, Clara, and were unable to return either.

Alice called Emmett, repeating the pattern Charlie and Renee had set, telling him about my death, but how everyone was unable to attend the funeral. Emmet and Rose were at a classic car convention where they were showing their latest remodel and giving a seminar. Hundreds of people has signed up to listen to them talk and they couldn’t just leave.

It was Jasper who surprised me by the call he placed. He called Edward.

“Hey Edward,” Jasper started, not a single hint of remorse in his voice. “Do you remember Bella?”

 “Who’s Bella?”Edward asked; complete confusion in his tone.

“You know, Bella. The girl you danced with at our wedding?”

 There was silence on the other line as Edward scrunched his brow, trying to remember who I was. “Which one?” he asked. “The sad, little plain girl?”

“Yeah, you don’t remember her?” Although the words that Jasper said would hint at surprise, there was none in his voice.

“I remember dancing with a really clumsy girl and then went back to her place. We saw each other a couple of times, but she was just too pathetic so I quit calling her. I thought her name was Brenda.” 

“ Yeah. That sounds like Bella.”

“So what about her?” Edward had the nerve to actually sound bored.

“She got hit by a car”

“Is she okay?”

“She died.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.” Edward sat on his bed and flicked on the TV. He had lost all interest in this conversation

“I thought maybe you’d want to know and maybe go to the visitation or the funeral or something.” Jasper had no hope that Edward would actually take him up on his offer, but he thought he’d pass the information on anyway.

At Jasper’s words, Edward laughed. “Seriously Jazz, if I can’t remember her name, she clearly meant nothing to me at all.”

“haha, good point…”

It was then that I woke up screaming Edward’s name to an empty bed. I swung my head around to look at the clock and noticed it was 2:17am.

 “Edward!?” I yelled throughout my room, panic still settling heavy in my gut. I needed to be in Edward’s arms, I needed reassurance that he was real and that I did mean something to him. But there was no answer. 

“Edward!?” I yelled again, but was once again met with silence. It was then that I remember that he was at the conference in Maryland and wouldn’t be back until tomorrow.

I curled back into myself, burying deeper and deeper into my bed as tears fell over the brim of my eyes and down my cheek. All I could think about were Edward’s words from my dream. “She clearly meant nothing to me.”

I finally fell back asleep but it remained very restless. After what seemed like hours alone in a dark tunnel, replaying my loneliness over and over in a constant loop, I felt an arm wrap around me from behind.

 “Bella,” a voice whispered in my ear. “Wake up, love. You’re having a nightmare”. Soft, warm hands gently shook my shoulders. His voice in my dream sounded crystal clear and the warmth of his touch was solid and sturdy. This didn’t feel like a dream.

I stirred awake at the sound of my name once again falling from the lips of the angel in my dream. I turned around to see beautiful green eyes staring back at me. What? Is Edward’s really here?

I immediately smashed my face into Edward’s neck, grabbing his t-shirt and holding onto him tightly. His arm wrapped under my body, securing me tighter, closer to him. The tears that had stopped in my sleep, returned with a vengeance and soaked through his skirt.

“Edward?”

“Shhhh, Bella. It’s okay. I’m here,” he whispered into my hair as he placed a kiss on the top of my head.

My body continued to shake in his hold as the realization sunk in. Edward was really here. He came back early and I was wrapped in his arms.

“Bella, what’s wrong? What happened?” Edward whispered as he slowly pulled back from me. But I refuse to let go of his t-shirt. I need a connection to him to prove that he was here.

I proceeded to tell him about Alice’s call and about the nightmare. When I was finished, I could barely breathe and my cheeks were dripping with tears. He pulled me back to his chest and squeezed me tight.

“Oh Bella, it was just a dream. I would never forget you and I would most definitely never think of you like that. You mean everything to me. You are the most important person in my life.”

“You didn’t care about me,” I cried into his chest. “You didn’t remember me, I meant nothing to you. I had no one.”

Edward pulled back so that he could once again look at me. He reluctantly removed his arm from around my waist to wipe away my tears. His eyes were tortured and hurt, but they seemed to be filled with so much tenderness.

“No one cared, Edward. I was gone and no one cared. I was all alone”. I barely got the words out between the whimpers, hiccups and sobs. My face was completely drenched, as every tear that was wiped away, two more would follow.

He gently lifted my head so that we were eye to eye and slowly pressed his lips over my closed and water-stained eyelids. He gently kissed me once on my quivering lips then rested his lips on my forehead.

“I don’t know what I would do if I lost you, Bella,” he whispered against my skin. I could hear the strain and torture in his voice. He continued to hold me tight against him as his arm resumed lightly running down the back of my hair.

I pulled back to look at him. My breath hitched as our eyes met. Edward’s beautiful green eyes were glossy with unshed tears and were haunted and pleading with an unknown emotion. I had never seen him tear up, or look so desperate or so conflicted.

“Edward?” I questioned in a weak and still shaky voice. I raised my left hand to cup his cheek. His eyes never left mine as he slowly opened his mouth.

“I love you, Bella.”  My mind was blank as I stared at him. He loves me? We’ve only known each other for two weeks. Is it possible for this man to love me? A damaged, fucked up, boring person? Can he truly be feeling for me what I’ve been feeling for him? Has he felt this all along? Before I could even think how to reply to him, Edward continued.

“From the first moment that I saw you walking down the aisle at Jasper’s wedding,” he started, rubbing his right thumb across my slick cheekbone, “and saw you trip over your own feet, I knew I was a goner. And then seeing you there at the reception all alone and devastated while everyone else was smiling and dancing, it broke my heart. I knew right there that I was falling for you. I never had a chance.

“I loved you that first night, from the very first second that our eyes met. I knew it when I held you close as I danced with you out in the lobby and I’ve loved you more every day since. I love the way you get nervous and blush whenever we start getting passionate with each other, but how you immediately turn it around and trust me completely. I love the way you sleep across my chest, curling up close and holding onto me, as if letting me go for even a second would be the end of the world. And I love the way you look at me when I come to bed in the middle of the night after my shift at the hospital. It’s as if you can finally breathe now that I’m with you. And I feel the same way.

“You’re my home, Bella, and I struggle every minute of the day until I can finally hold you in my arms. I missed you so much these past three days. I was so worried about you I was going insane. I almost left the second I got there to come back to you and hold you tight. I need you, Bella. I love you. You’re my everything.” Oh my God, he felt it too, from the very beginning.

I looked up at him with tear filled eyes and slowly leaned in to kiss him. My lips pressed lightly against his, the warmth and softness of his lips never ceasing to amazing me. I pulled myself closer as he wrapped his arms tightly around me.

I pulled his bottom lips in between mine at the same time as he gently sucked on my top lip. My tongue lightly swept against his full, soft, bottom lip and he opened his mouth to me. Our tongues were gently sweeping across each other, and it wasn’t the “make-out, tonsil-hockey, can’t get enough” type of open mouth kiss. Our lips were barely open and our kiss was gentle, tender, but filled with more passion, adoration and love than I ever could have imagined. There was no urgency, just desire. 

I slowly pulled back, but not completely detaching our mouths. Our lips were floating against one another, as I whispered to Edward with complete certainty. “I love you too, Edward.”

He smiled against my lips as he once again wrapped his arms tighter against me, bringing his adoring lips to once again caress mine. I pulled him close to me and eagerly pressed my lips against his, running my fingers through his hair and grabbing handfuls of his silky strands. Our tongues met and dance as if we’d had years of practice. The passion and love we felt for each other radiated throughout the room.

 “Oh, Bella. You don’t know what it means for me to hear you say that.”

Edward and I slowly began to undress one another, our lips never leaving the others. My hands were shaking as I pulled Edward’s top over his head.

Soon, we were lying naked beside each other. It was still difficult for me to be naked with him, even after we had made love. But I needed him. He loved me and I needed to show him how much I loved him too.

Edward rolled on top of me, staring deep into my eyes.

“Bella, I love you so much.”

Without hesitation, my legs spread to cradle him between my thighs. My arms wrapped around his neck as our lips met in a deep kiss.

I could feel Edward’s length rubbing against my centre as his hips flexed forward. We both let out a moan at his tip hit my clit.

“Edward?” I asked. My body started to moisten as he continued to rub against me. My heart rate was pounding and I couldn’t get close enough to him.

“Yes, love?” He stopped flexing his hip and settled his weight on top of me, leaning his elbows on either side of my head. He pressed his lips solidly to mine. Both our breaths were ragged as his lips opened the slightest bit and our tongues tickled each other’s.

“Please.” was all I could say.

With that single word, Edward slowly slid inside me. It felt so different without the condom. His flesh was warm and soft as he gently slid in and out, over and over. Within seconds, I could feel my walls quivering and eventually spasming around Edward, squeezing him tightly inside me.

We made love twice that night and he was constantly reassuring me of his love for me with his words of adoration.

The early morning sun had just started to enter through my bedroom window as I fell asleep sedated; my sweaty body wrapped around his. Tonight we had declared or love for each other. Now all I needed to do is learn how to love myself.