Chapter 28 text

 Friday July 30

Edward and I sat side by side in the small, cold lobby. I clutched his hand tightly in mine as I looked around the reception area of Dr. James Wylder’s office. The dull yellow walls, motivational posters and racks of pamphlets looked as if they were staged to make the patient comfortable, whereas in reality, it looked old, depressing and sad. Not quite the place you want to be when you were sad and depressed to begin with.

I looked to the table beside me that was scattered with old magazines and books and a title caught my eye.  The title “You’re Not Good Enough” in big, yellow letters took up the entire cover of a hardcover book. The smaller writing underneath the title indicated that the book was written by Dr. James E. Wylder. I picked up the book, wondering what type of therapist would name a book like that, and flipped it over to get a synopsis of the novel. But instead, there was a large black and white picture of a man staring back at me. It was a portrait of Dr. James Wylder, sitting behind a desk with his elbows resting on the tabletop and his fingers tented in front of his lips. The thing that caught my attention though was his eyes; they looked unkind, untrustworthy and cold.

“Hey, that must be the book James was telling me about.” I looked over and saw Edward reading the back cover over my left shoulder. I passed the book over and went back to analyzing the un-motivating motivational posters. For some reason, the picture of James gave me the creeps.

I was starting to get nervous, anxious and uneasy. I kept asking myself why I was here if I didn’t feel comfortable? Even the skinny, blonde receptionist kept giving me the stink eye. But then Edward would squeeze my hand and I would remember that I was here for us; I was here for me. I was here so that I would finally feel good again.

“Mzzzzz. Swan?” I looked up to find the receptionist staring daggers at me once again. The hissing of my name plus her quirked eyebrow made it clear that, for whatever reason, she didn’t like me. I stood up and gathered my bag as Edward stood up with me.

“I’ll be right here the whole time,” he told me, as he pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head.

“Oh, Sir, you’ll be waiting out here? Can I get you a cup of coffee or something while you wait for your sister?” So that was why the evil secretary hated me. She wanted Edward and was trying to scare me away.

“No, thank you,” Edward replied, pulling back from me so that he could look me in the eyes. “I love you,” he whispered before he leaned in and kissed me tenderly on the lips. “And I’m proud of you. I’m here if you need me.”

With one final kiss and one last “I love you,” I gathered my purse and followed the blonde bitch down to door 3. She knocked lightly on the door and waited.

“Come in.” The voice that answered was not what I expected from the picture. It was smooth, slick and a little rugged. The blonde bitch opened the door and held it open for me. I felt her eyes on me as I walked past her.

“Thank you, Cammie,” the smooth voice replied. I had yet to see his face but his voice sounded near.

“You’re welcome, Dr. James.” Cammie put on a fake, sweet smile in her reply and shut the door behind me.

“Ms. Swan,” Dr. Wylder started. “Please come in.”

I walked deeper into his office and was amazed at what I saw. Everything was deep and rich brown and green. Chocolate leather couch and chair, huge wooden bookcases that covered an entire wall, a desk that was bigger than my six person kitchen table and plants and knick knacks all around the office. One entire wall was windows from floor to ceiling, while the other was covered with diplomas, certificates and awards. The room smelt like money and power and yet, I had still not located the doctor.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Ms. Swan.” I looked around and saw Dr. Wylder coming out of a door in the back corner of the room, drying his hands on a crisp white towel. He threw the towel into a hamper basket at the side of his desk and walked straight towards me. “I’m Dr. James Evan Wylder, but you can call me Dr. James.” Wow, and I thought Jake was cocky. And I would have sworn the E. in his name stood for evil.

Dr. James stood there with all the confidence in the world, exuding superiority and control, with his hand stuck out waiting for me to shake it. With a tentative hand, I did a quick shake and just as quickly pulled my hand back.

“Hi,” I whispered out.

“Why don’t we have a seat?” Dr. James was talking as he made his way to his huge, leather loveseat chair that could fit two people in it. He pulled out a notebook and a pen from the table beside him before he went behind his desk to a small coffee maker to get himself a drink. It didn’t escape my notice that he didn’t offer me anything. I wondered if this was all part of a ‘break someone down so that he can build them back up’ routine? I sat on the couch directly across from his chair and waited.

“So,” Dr. James started as he finally took his seat. “Edward tells me you’re having some difficulties seeing your self-worth.”

I was completely floored by how this was going so far. There was no warm up, no opening questions, no get-to-know-you/trust building. There wasn’t even a questionnaire for me to fill out about my concerns or medical history. There wasn’t even a freaking “how are you today?”

I sat there; dumbfounded at the situation I had found myself in. Just by looking around, I could tell that this man was successful in what he did, plus, Edward had mentioned he was good, but holy crap! I wasn’t even in his office for three minutes and I feel like I’m already treading water to save my life. 

“Ms. Swan?” I looked up to find Dr. James looking at me with a curious expression.

“Um, yes. I guess that’s what Edward’s concerns would be.”

“Edward’s concerns? So you don’t share his opinion of your issues?”

I was ready to grab my bag and leave the room. Already, this so called professional had made me feel powerless, unimportant and broken. I didn’t come here to be put down even more, I thought. I came here for help.

I quickly realized, though, that if I ran out of this room, I’d be doing the exact same thing that I’d always done. I ran away from Jake when he didn’t want a relationship, ran away from  Alice and Jasper when they questioned me at the restaurant, ran away from Edward when he tried to help me with my nightmare that first night. If I was truly going to work on me and become “Happy Bella” again, I had to take the good with the not-so-good. And this clearly was going to be a not-so-good.

“No,” I finally answered. “I don’t completely agree with Edward.”

Dr. James quirked an eyebrow at me, a sneaky smirk playing on his lips as he wrote something down on the leather notepad he had in his lap.

“Well, Ms. Swan, why don’t you tell me why you’re here?”

His smirk only grew as he asked the question. It was almost as if he was goading me, deliberately trying to push my buttons in an attempt to get me to crack. He was trying to break away the shield that I had up, tear down the pretense and excuses. He didn’t want Edward’s version of my story, he wanted to hear it from my own lips. He wanted to know why I chose to meet with him, not why Edward wanted me to.

“I…uh…” I didn’t know where to start. I wanted to take my list out of my purse and shove it in his face, letting my written words speak for me. But I knew that that wasn’t how this was supposed to work.

“I guess I’m here because I’m tired of not feeling good enough.”

He quickly scribbled something down as he asked me to elaborate. “Good enough for whom?”

I thought about his question for a minute. I was never good enough for my parents, for Jake. I didn’t feel good enough for Edward the majority of the time.

“Bella,” Dr. James interrupted. “I know this is difficult and I can tell that you keep thinking about something before you answer my questions. And I’ll be honest; I don’t have all the answers. But Edward encouraged you to come here for a reason.”

Dr. James put down his book and grabbed a sheet of paper and handed it to me. “I practice humanistic psychology and it’s very different from other psychology out there.”

I looked at the form that Dr. James gave me. It was an outline of Humanistic Psychology. There were four main points listed:

1.    The present is the most significant aspect of someone.  As a result humanists emphasize the here and now instead of examining the past or attempting to predict the future.

2.    To be mentally healthy, individuals must take personal responsibility for their actions, regardless if those actions are positive or negative.

3.    Each person, simply by being, is inherently worthy. While any given action may be negative, these actions do not cancel out their value as a person.

4.    The ultimate goal of living is to attain personal growth and understanding. Through constant self-improvement and self-understanding can an individual ever be truly happy.

“You see, Bella, by you saying that you’re not good enough, you’re looking at past situations where you felt inadequate. And although your past has helped to shape who you are, it’s who you are at this moment that is the most important thing. You can’t change the past and you can’t predict the future, you can only control the present.”

I understood what Dr. James was saying, but it didn’t entirely make sense to me. If my past helped to create my current self, and who I currently was, was where I was supposed to focus, how could we not look back at what made me who I was at this moment?

I looked down at the form and read it again. I was still having a hard time wrapping my brain around everything.

“Bella?” Dr. James prodded. “You look concerned.”

“Well,” I hedged. “I don’t really get it. If my past made me who I am today, how can you not examine the past?”

“We do look at the past, Bella. We will dive into your past memories, emotions and events, but it won’t be the focus of our discussions. There is no doubt that we have to examine the past to understand the present. But you can’t fix what happened to you twenty years ago.”

Hmmm. Maybe Dr. James isn’t as much of a douche as I first thought.

“Any other questions?” I was actually starting to warm up to Dr. James, although there was still something about him that rubbed me the wrong way. Between how he treated me at the start of the session and now, he seemed to flip his emotions worse than I did.

“Well, point two on the form bothers me a bit.”

“And why is that?” he asked.

“What if your actions are involuntary? Or what if it’s an instinctual reaction? I find it hard to believe that someone would be 100% accountable for everything they do when so much of our life is controlled and influenced by others.”

Dr. James quirked his eyebrow once again, picked up his notepad and started to write. “Why would you say that you’re life is controlled by others?”

“I’m not saying that it is, but there are so many aspects that we have no control over. You can’t make someone hire you or make someone like you. I can’t make my boss pay me more, or make someone love me. I can’t make my body not get nauseous on rollercoaster’s or cry when I’m feeling sad. A person will choose to hire me, or choose to be in a relationship with me based on their own freewill. I don’t have control over that. I will get sad, angry, fearful, happy or jealous without conscious thought. There’s so much we don’t control that cause actions that we can’t be accountable for everything that we do.”

“So then who do you blame?” Dr. James’ question came completely out of left field and utterly confused me.

“Who do I blame for what?”

Dr. James put his book back down, folded his hands in his lap and looked at me as if I was naïve and didn’t understand something that I should.

“If you don’t take accountability for the path your life has taken, the job you have, the relationships you’ve had in the past, the one you have with Edward, how your body has learned to react in different situations, who do you blame? Who’s accountable?”

“Fate.” The word was out of my mouth before I realized what I was thinking.

“Fate?” Dr. James looked at me as if I had said the most ridiculous thing in the world. As if I was talking about unicorns and leprechauns. “What can you blame fate for?”

My doctor’s words echoed in my head. “You have a severe hormone imbalance. This doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to have kids, just that it may be very difficult for you to ever get pregnant.”

Ever since I had met Edward, fell in love with him, made love with him, the words had been on my mind in constant repeat. It was just another reason why I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t give him kids, if we ever went down that path. It was another example of how broken I was.

“Bella?” Dr. James was still waiting for my answer.

“Never mind.” I knew it was a pathetic way out but I wasn’t ready to share that part of myself with him yet, not until Edward knew.

Dr. James and I went over the four points of humanistic psychology a bit more before our time was up. He had told me that we had a good start and that he’d like to see me again next Friday if I was willing to come back, just to make an appointment with the receptionist on my way out.

I grabbed my purse, thanked Dr. James for his time and left the room. I didn’t know if I wanted to see him again. He put more questions in my head than answers. I still felt broken and confused, but now, I also felt like I had been defending myself for the past hour, backing up every idea and opinion that I had because my answer wasn’t enough for the good doctor.

I walked straight to the lobby, grabbed Edward’s hand and almost dragged him out of the office without a word.

“Bella?” Edward questioned as we waited for the elevator. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing’s the matter; I just wanted to get out of there.”

Edward grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me to face him. “What happened?” There was a look of seriousness in his eyes that I had never seen before. He looked concerned, protective and almost possessive.

I took both his hands in mine and squeezed them in reassurance. “Edward, nothing is wrong. Nothing happened. It was just hard, tense and uncomfortable and I just want to go home.”

Edward pulled me into a tight embrace and kissed the top of my head. “Okay.”

The elevator dinged and we walked hand in hand to the car, only letting go of each other long enough for Edward to open my door, walk around the car and let himself in. Once the car was started, he grabbed my hand once again and held it the entire way home.

~oooOOOooo~

The rest of the afternoon remained tense and silent. I kept thinking over what James and I had spoken about and how I was going to open up about everything. Or if I even should. I wanted to tell Edward everything, let him know what he was getting into and how the session went, but that would mean telling him that I couldn’t have kids.

Was that too much to spring on him? Was it too soon to talk about kids? Did he even want to be a father, let alone be the father of my kids?

My mind kept racing as we sat on the couch and watched Dexter. Neither of us was actually watching the show. I stared blankly at the screen while Edward kept looking down at me lying in his arms.

“Bella, this is killing me.”

I sat up and pulled out of his arms, ready to tell him everything that was said in James’ office, when a voice on the TV caught my attention.

 “They make it look so easy – connecting with another human being. It’s like no one told them it was the hardest thing in the world.”

The words paused in my throat and my eyes flashed to the screen. Somehow, a character on a TV show was able to articulate what I had been feeling all these years. Everyone had it so easy and yet, for me, it was the hardest thing in the world, finding a connection with another person.

My eyes turned back to find him still looking at me, waiting for my answer. It had been so easy to connect with Edward, almost too easy. I had never felt as comfortable with anyone in my entire life, as I felt with him. He was the one thing that was easy in my life, the one thing that was almost effortless. I loved him and he accepted that love. And for some unknown reason, he loved me back.

“The session was not what I expected.” I began to explain everything, from how he treated me when I first walked in to him questioning my belief in fate. Edward sat patiently as I told him what I was thinking and feeling during the session.

“So, what did you tell him? What do you blame fate for?”

I paused, holding tighter onto his hands. I looked down, swallowed the lump in my throat and squeezed my eyes tight, praying that it would help to hold back the tears.

“There’s stuff you don’t know about me. There’s something that I haven’t told you, something I haven’t told anyone.” I looked back up to see him looking at me with deep concern. I could feel the pain in my chest growing at the thought of finally admitting this out loud to someone. It was as if once I said it out loud, it made it real. As long as only I knew, it could be ignored.

I could feel my eyes brimming with tears as I took a deep breath before continuing. “About a year ago, I went to the doctor and he basically told me that I can’t have kids.”

Pain flashed behind Edward’s eyes as his hands squeezed mine tightly. I could see his Adam’s apple bob in his throat as he swallowed before speaking.

“What exactly did the doctor tell you?” he asked.

“He told me that I had a hormone imbalance. That he wasn’t saying that I can’t have kids, just that it will be very difficult for me to ever get pregnant.”

Edward pulled me into his lap and held me tight as tears streamed down my face. “That’s what I blame fate for,” I whispered into his shoulder.

“Bella,” he sighed as he pulled back to look at me and wiped away my tears. “You just said that the doctor said that it’s possible but would be difficult. He didn’t say you can’t have kids.” He leaned in and kissed my tears away before pressing his lips tenderly to mine. “Besides,” he continued with a small smile. “If it will be difficult, it just means that we get to practice and try more.”

I looked at Edward with confusion and doubt. Did he just say he wants to practice and try to make a baby????