Chapter 17 text

Monday, July 19th

Edward had spent the night with me wrapped in his arms as he spooned up against my back. I could feel his soft breath on my shoulder and his light touch flutter over my covered stomach. I had been up for about twenty minutes but couldn’t pull myself away from him. When Edward hadn’t been here to hold me in my sleep, I missed him and now I wanted to soak up everything that I had missed.

 Truth be told, it wasn’t just that I missed having Edward in my bed that prevented me from getting up. It was more of the fact that Edward had made plans for us today and I wasn’t really looking forward to them. Edward had asked if I wanted to go for a walk down to Madison Beach and spend the day lounging with him in the sun and playing in the water. In all honestly, I wasn’t sure how I felt about Edward seeing me in such little attire.

Alice had, of course, ransacked my entire wardrobe when I moved and threw away a lot of what she thought were ‘poor, old woman clothes’. That just happened to include my favorite Nike bathing suit. It was black, covered everything that needed to be covered and was comfortable. Now all I had were revealing suits. Even my one-piece, which I had to beg Alice to let me buy, and I had to admit, I looked pretty good in, was rather sexy. It was a plum colored, circle halter that had a slit right between the breasts and gathering all over. It was beautiful, but also quite provocative, compared to my usual conservative wardrobe.  

I cuddled deeper back into Edward, hoping that his warmth would lull me back to sleep. Unfortunately, my slight movement stirred Edward from his sleep.

“Good morning, beautiful,” he whispered against my left shoulder as he gently pressed a kiss against my skin. “I missed waking up with you in my arms.”

I smiled at his statement and couldn’t have agreed more. “I missed it too,” I whispered, as I turned my head to the left to see him over my shoulder. His lips instantly connected with mine. It was a short kiss, but a much needed one.

“You ready to get up and head to the beach?” he asked with a childlike smile on his face and excitement in his voice. I forced a smile as I untangled myself from his comfortable arms. We both got up, and gathered our things for the day. I took my swimsuit, green hooded sleeveless top and jean shorts to the bathroom to get changed. When I was finished, I grabbed the beach bag, towels and sunscreen.

With the bag full of everything I had gathered in the bathroom, plus a book, some games and playing cards from the bedroom, I made my way downstairs to meet Edward in the kitchen. The sight that greeted me took my breath away. There stood Edward, in a tight black t-shirt and black swim trunks that had white Hawaiian flowers all over them. He was standing in front of the kitchen counter, with a bag of grapes, slices of apples and bottles of water laid out before him. He made a lunch for us. He was in the process of packing up sandwiches when I walked up behind him.

“Thank you,” I whispered as I gathered up the food he had gotten ready and placed them in the cooler bag from the closet. Edward put the last sandwiches in the cooler, took it from my hands, and then took me in his arms. He stared into my eyes as his hands rubbed up and down my sides. Ever so slowly, his lips came down to mine in a heated kiss.

Our lips were pressed deeply against each other’s as a soft moan escaped Edward’s mouth. His tongue peeked out and brushed against the inside of my top lip which was being caressed in between both of his. I automatically opened up to him and was rewarded with the pure taste of Edward. His tongue slowly swept against mine, sending chills down my spine. It had felt like so long since we had kissed like this; tongues caressing, lips crashing against each other, our breath being shared.

Edward’s hand slid up my left side, causing fire to erupt in its wake. His palm glided over my waist, up and across my ribs and skimmed the outside of my breast on its way to the back of my neck. As soon as I felt his touch on the outside of my breast, my breath caught and I pulled my lips away from his. His right hand gently messaged the back of my neck as he rested his forehead against mine. Both of us were breathing quick, uneven breaths.

“Bella…” Edward panted as he pulled me against his chest and wrapped both his arms securely around me. “I’m sorry.” He pressed a kiss to the top of my head as I rested my left cheek against his chest and wrapped my arms around him in return. “I know I told you we would take this at your pace,” he continued, but stopped for another series of ragged breaths, “but I couldn’t help it. I just missed holding you so much.”

“It’s okay,” I whispered as I pulled back to look at him. His face was twisted in an expression of worry and concern. I reached up and cupped his cheeks in my hands and gently lifted up on my toes to place a soft, quick kiss on his lips. A smile lifted on his lips as we kissed and I knew that the concern that he had overstepped his bounds was gone.

“Come on,” he said as he pulled back and took my hand in his. “Let’s go to the beach.”

Edward and I walked hand in hand down the street and eventually made our way to the beach. We laid out our towels on the grass and soaked up the sun for hours. We ate our snacks of grapes and apple slices, played numerous rounds of cards, where Edward taught me how to play Texas Hold’em. We played Bananagrams, where I won three games in a row before Edward got upset and said he wouldn’t play with me anymore and eventually went for a swim. Edward had to coax me out of my shorts and tank top when he pulled me towards the lake where my revealing bathing suit earned me a heated kiss in the water.

We stayed at the beach all day and admittedly had a great time. I was still worried that my revealing bathing suit was sending a contradictory message compared to how reserved and withdrawn I’d been with Edward, but he made me feel completely comfortable and constantly told me I was beautiful. It was shortly after 4:00pm when we packed everything up and headed home. We grabbed subs for dinner on the way back and settled in for the night after an exhausting day in the hot sun.

Eventually, we found ourselves sitting together on the couch; I was curled up in Edward arms, lying with my back to his chest. Edward was leaning back against the right side of the couch and was gently playing with the end of my ponytail as we watched his favorite show, Nip/Tuck. I was fascinated by the show, never having seen it before. It was all about plastic surgery, the relationship between these two doctors and the ethical choices, or lack thereof, that they dealt with inside and out of the operating room. I was actually surprised at how graphic it was in some of the medical procedures that it showed.

 Edward was trying to explain how Christian and Sean were the two surgeons, how Matt was Christian’s biological son, but how Sean raised him, and how Christian used to be involved with Kimber, but she was now pregnant with Matt’s kid. It was incredibly confusing. I was just about to ask Edward to explain it again, when the music changed, clothes were slowly being taken off and more and more flesh was being revealed. Christian and his fiancée, Michelle, were intimately devouring each other.  I shifted nervously as the scene progressed and got more and more intense. It was basically starting to become soft-core porn at this point.

Edward noticed my movement and wrapped me tighter in his arms, kissed my temple, and released a soft giggle against my skin. I curled tighter into his embrace, cowering from humiliation at being caught uncomfortably stirring from a love scene on the television. But it was because I was in Edward’s arms and we had yet to be intimate ourselves, even though the desire seemed to be radiating between us.  

“You ok down there?” Edward snickered.

“What’s it like?” I quietly asked after a moment, my face no longer looking on the TV screen, but at the fingers of my left hand which were playing with the fingers on his right hand.

“What’s what like?”

“Being intimate?”

Edward pulled back and looked at me with a confused, bewildered and yet tender look in his eyes. He shifted me in his arms so that I was leaning on my right side and we were now facing each other.

“It depends,” he started. “It depends on who you’re with, how you feel about them, how intimate you’re being. I know that I have never kissed anyone and felt what I feel when I kiss you, or have ever held anyone this close or been this intimate with someone without really touching each other in a passionate way.”

My heart was beating fast at Edward’s words and I blushed at the fact that I had basically told him that we weren’t being intimate. He looked at me again, pleading with me to open up to him.

“Is there a particular reason you were asking?” he asked.

“I don’t know what its like,” I hedged. “I want to touch you and I want you to touch me and I want us to have this easy, passionate relationship that seems to be going on everywhere around us, but I just don’t know how to do it or what I’m going to feel when you touch me for the first time”.

Edward shifted behind me into a sitting position. “Up” was all Edward said as he sat cross legged on the couch facing me. I tucked my legs beneath me and rested my right side against the back of the couch facing him.

“Bella, there’s no real way for me to tell you how it feels to be touched by someone. The only way is for you to experience it yourself, find out what you like, what you don’t like, what turns you on and what excites you.” I immediately tensed and got even more nervous. Edward’s hands were clasping mine before I even realized that I had looked away from him. I started breathing harder. “It’s ok, Bella. We don’t have to do anything. I just want to be honest with you. If you want to know what it’s like to be touched intimately and to be intimate with someone, you’re going to have to trust me and let me in.”

“I know and I do trust you, I’m just scared.” I let out a heavy breath and looked up to meet Edward’s gaze. “I see people touching and kissing and holding each other all the time, but when I think about it happening to me, with us, the thought of someone wanting me that way is just so foreign that I start to panic.” I slowly lowered my head and gave it a small shake as I looked at our clasped hands. The conversation was making me feel more and more naïve and inexperienced. My own shame and self pity were starting to show, and I tried hard to swallow it down so that I could continue.

“I’m 28, Edward, I shouldn’t have to ask you what this is like. I should know what it’s like to be touched by now, to have someone make love to me.” I could feel my eyes starting to prickle as I openly shared my shame with him. “I’ve been ignored and overlooked my entire life, and I’m so ashamed and embarrassed and...” The tears were now filling up my eyes until my lids closed tight and forced the tears down my cheek. “I just want to be wanted.”

Edward immediately pulled me tight into his arms and we buried our faces in one another’s necks. I could feel his lips gently press against the left side of my neck.

“Bella, I want you! And I don’t care how inexperienced you are or that you’re asking me this. I only care about you and about the fact that you feel this way about yourself.” He kissed me again before he pulled back and looked me straight in the eyes. “You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, okay? I want you just the way you are, not a single thing different.” Edward leaned forward and kissed me tenderly on the lips. I melted into him as he cradled my face in his hands.

“What if I’m never comfortable with you touching me though? What if I always freak out and pull back? Look at what happened this morning when your hand just barely touched the side of my chest. I want you Edward, so much. I just don’t know how to not freak out.”

 “Okay…here’s what we’ll do. We’ll go slowly and all I want you to do is focus on my touch. Can you do that?” I nod at him.

“Okay,” he continued. “If you get uncomfortable, just let me know, before it gets too far. If you’re about to freak out, you need to tell me right away. We just have to get you used to my touch. We can even use a 1, 2, 3 system if that helps: tell me 1 when everything is ok, you’re not freaking out or panicking. 2 when you start to get nervous, or you start to get the butterflies, but you’re still ok. If you say 3, I’ll stop right away.” I was so humiliated that my boyfriend had to have a rating system to touch me that I felt like I was going to throw up. I looked away as tears started to prick my eyes. I’m just waiting for the day when he looks at me and realizes I’m so not worth this.

“Hey,” he said as he put his fingers under my chin and turned my head so that I was looking at him. “Why the tears?” he asked.

“I need a number system for you to touch me,” I squeaked under my breath as another tear slowly ran down my cheek and my shoulders started to shake with the force I was using to hold back my sobs. Edward tenderly wiped my tears away with his thumb before he leaned in and kissed my wet cheek and lips.

“And who came up with the system?” he asked and all I could do was just look at him. “I did,” he urged. “This isn’t something that you need or that you have implemented, it’s just something I want to try so that I know what I’m doing here. Okay? I want to know what affect I’m having on you. I want to know how you like to be touch and what you don’t like. I want to make sure you’re comfortable with me.” All I could do was look down.

“You alright?” he asked as his fingers gently lifted my chin. I nodded as I leaned over to kiss him. It was a tender and sweet kiss, and was simply to reassure him that I was alright. “Okay,” he breathed against my lips as our foreheads rested against each other’s.

He reached over and turned off the TV, which I had forgotten was still on. He let go of my chin and completely separated himself from me. Not a single inch of either of us was touching. “Just remember the numbers,” he whispered. I nodded one final time and took a deep, shaky breath. Edwards gently grabbed my hands and threaded his fingers through mine. I just looked at him, waiting for him to start.

“Number?” he asked.

 I stared at him in confusion. “Um…1?”

His crooked smile graced his perfect lips as he said, “it better be.” We both let out a soft chuckle and I immediately relaxed. I can do this. Next he leaned in and softly brushed his lips against mine, not really kissing me, but still softly touching our lips together. “1,” I breathed against his mouth as he finally pressed his lips to mine in a velvety kiss.

He slowly moved his lips from mine and kissed along my jaw line. I was quickly getting turned on by his soft touch and lightly whispered a “1,” as his lips moved across my jaw to the sensitive spot behind me ear.

He continued his kissing assault on my neck and jaw and I was turning into a puddle of goo beneath the touch of his talented lips. He slowly untangled our hands and placed his on my thighs. His thumbs automatically started rubbing little circles on my legs.

“Bella?” he asked, and I snapped back into reality, remembering that he was expecting a number, and not just soft whimpers. “1,” I breathed as I lifted my heavy arms from my lap to thread my fingers through his hair. I was awarded with a contented sigh from him and it shot sparks through my entire body.

Edwards’s mouth moved back to mine and I couldn’t get enough of his taste. I pulled him closer to me but he resisted. He pulled away slightly, just barely removing his lips from mine, only remaining connected to me by his touch on my legs and his forehead against mine.

“Bella, we need to slow down.” He was breathing just as heavy as I was as his hands slowly started to move higher and higher on my thighs. “Number?” he asked, his eyes pinched shut as his breathing slowed a little.

His hands stopped right at the junction of my thigh and pelvis. I could feel the warmth and softness of his touch on this untouched part of my body and it excited me more than I would have thought. I was looking at Edward the entire time and when I didn’t answer, he slowly opened his eyes. I quickly took a sharp breath at what I saw. I had never seen such a raw and primal look in Edward’s eyes before. His soft touch immediately became more intense as we locked eyes.

“2.”

Edward instantly stilled his thumbs, which were still drawing the imaginary circles on my legs, but didn’t remove their resting place. He paused for a couple of seconds, as our breathing started to get back to normal. Our foreheads were no longer touching and we were able to look each other fully in the eyes.

“Number?” he asked as his hands remained unmoving on my legs. I took a deep breath and realized I was okay, and that I actually wanted the circles to return. I gave him a contented smile and softly spoke a “1.” He returned my smile with his own and a look of pride. He leaned in and kissed my forehead. “Good.”

His hands slowly moved up to my waist where his left hand resumed the tiny circles over my hip while his right hand crept higher over my shirt, up to my ribs.

“2,” escaped my mouth before I even considered a number or why the number 2 was chosen. Again he paused and looked at me, waiting for me to adjust to the feel of his gentle touch. I simply gave a nod of my head but he questioned me with his eyes. I squeezed out a “1” so that he knew I was ready for him to proceed.

 His right hand kept slowly climbing up my left side until his hand was directly under my breast. A gasp left my mouth as I felt his thumb gently slide right along the underwire of my bra. I honestly didn’t know why I was gasping. He had touched my breasts before, but the intimacy and intensity of focusing solely on his touch and being honest and recognizing how I felt was making this gentle, innocent touch so much more meaningful.

“Bella?” he whispered and I could feel his breath against my lips. My eyes slowly opened, leaving me to wonder when I had, in fact, closed them, and I was staring directly into Edward’s emerald eyes. He was so much closer to my face than I remembered. Our noses were just barely touching and all I wanted to do was tilt my head forward and feel the longing in his kiss. He slowly leaned in and brushed his lips against mine. “What number, Bella?”

My brain had quit for the day, all the lights were off and the door was locked. All I could think about was his hand on my breast and his lips ghosting along my bottom lip.

“Um…” I gulped, “1.5?”

He let out a soft chuckle at my absentmindedness before he pressed his lips directly onto mine. Our kiss was slowly building, him taking my top lip in between his while I gently took his bottom lip into my mouth and lightly ran my tongue along its smoothness. A soft moan escaped Edward’s mouth into mine as he fully opened up to me and our tongues tenderly started to dance with one another.

His right hand continued to slowly make its way up higher and more fully over my breast, and although his was only touching me over my clothes, the warmth of his hand was radiating through my clothes and onto my skin. The sensation of his touch and the pressure of his hand were making my nipples hard. I was sure he could feel the hardening as he started to gently squeeze and fondle my left breast with more confidence and leisure.

I threaded my hands in his hair and pulled his mouth firmer and deeper against mine. Our moans were being swallowed up by each other’s mouths as our lips started to crash together and we were both lifting off the couch to bring our bodies closer to one another. I could feel Edward’s left hand move from my waist to around my back seconds before he pressed his body into mine, causing me to lean backwards. I quickly removed my right hand from his hair and grabbed onto the back of the couch for support as Edward continued to lean his body into mine, lowering us both down onto the couch.

“2.5, 2.5, 2.5,” immediately came rushing from my lips, before I even fully removed my mouth from his.

Edward quickly pulled me back into a sitting position and moved his hand from my breast to cup my left cheek.

“Bella?”

My eyes were closed and my breathing had picked up but I nodded that I was okay. Edward slowly started to rub his thumb across my cheek. I instantly calmed back down.

“What happened? What made you say 2.5?” Edward asked as he continued to caress my cheeks.

“Because I didn’t know what was going to happen, I wasn’t in control and I didn’t know what you were going to do. This is so much, Edward. It’s so intense, almost too intense.”

“Do you trust me?”

My eyes slowly opened and met his with great intensity. “Of course I do, I just don’t know how much trust I have in myself. I don’t want to go too far and get your hopes up and then make you disappointed in me when I can’t go any further.”

“Bella,” he whispered in an almost hurt tone. “I could never be disappointed in you, especially not for stopping things when you get uncomfortable.”

“I just feel like such a tease”. He ‘tisked’ at me and pulled me into a tight hug, burying his face into my hair while I buried mine into his right shoulder.

“Baby, you’re not a tease,” he said as he pulled back to look at me. He called me ‘baby’. He’s never called me that before. Edward’s hurt voice brought me back out of my mind.

“Have I ever made you feel like that?” he asked. “Or made you feel pressured to do something you’re not comfortable with? If I have, please tell me. I never meant to…”

I quickly cradled Edwards face in my hands and cut him off. “No, never! You have never put pressure on me, Edward, but it’s still there.” I paused to collect myself before I continued. “I’m 28, we’ve been seeing each other every day for 2 weeks and have spent so many nights together. It’s been like 14 dates! The average couple now-a-days has sex after their 4^th date.”

“Actually, it’s been 10.”

I quirk my eyebrow at him. “What?”

“It’s been 10 days, 5 nights. It’s been like 10 dates,” he said calmly, with confidence and an innocent smile.

“See, that’s my point. You’re keeping track of how many dates we’ve been on. You’re not pressuring me, Edward, but it’s still there. You’re still thinking about it.” I lowered my eyes and my voice. “ You’re probably wondering how many more times you have to see me before we have sex.”

I could feel his fingers under my chin, pulling my head up so that he could look me straight in the eyes. “Hey, that’s not fair,” he said, clearly hurt again. I tried to look away, but his fingers were still holding my chin.

“I’m not counting the days and nights that we don’t have sex, Bella. I’m counting the days and nights that I get to spend with you, and hold you, and kiss you and have you fall asleep in my arms. I count every day I’m with you because those have been the best days of my life.”

By now, tears were running slowly down my cheeks and I felt like I was going to throw up again. This man was so good to me and I doubted him at every turn. He had done nothing to show me that he was impatient or that he was getting fed up with me, but I rubbed it in his face anyway. Fuck, I’m such a bitch…and a prude.

“Come here,” he said as he gently pulled me forward and onto his lap. I was sitting across his legs with my right side pressed into his chest. He was holding me like I was a child and I felt even more innocent and naïve than before, but I couldn’t break myself away from the security of his arms. I leaned my head against his chest and could feel the pressure of his cheek against the top of my head.

“Do you want to be with me?” he asked passively after a moment of silence.

“Yes,” I whispered, not knowing what else to say.

“So then why can’t you believe that I want to be with you too?”

“Edward, I’m not good enough to be…”

“Stop that!” he said as he removed his cheek from the top of my head and leaned back so he could look at me. “You are good enough. And yes, I would love for us to eventually go further in our relationship, but I’m perfect with being with you just like this. I don’t need anything more.” I simply nodded against his strong, warm chest. His arms tightened around me and I could feel his lips gently press into the top of my head.

“You okay?” he softly asked. “Do you want to keep going with the numbers?”

“No more numbers.”

“Okay,” he said into my hair. “No more numbers.”

I took a deep breath and steeled myself for what I wanted to ask him. “Edward?” I asked as I pulled away from his warmth and looked into his eyes. God, those eyes get me every time. They were so open and honest. I felt like I could tell him or ask him anything, but somehow, I didn’t know how to ask this.

“Yeah?” he breathed out.

“Can I try something this time?”

“What do you want to try?”

“I…touching you?”

He looked at me for a grand total of three seconds before he leaned in and kissed me. He pulled his lips away but pressed his forehead against mine and this time, he was the one to nod.

“Can you…I mean…I don’t…” I paused to take a breath. “Can you show me how?” I asked, more embarrassed than I had ever been in my life.

“Of course,” he whispered as he pulled back to once again reassure me with his eyes.

He gently lifted me off his lap so that we were sitting beside each other, facing one another. We continued to look at each other while I took a large, steadying breath. Edward licked his lips and gently nodded that it was alright for me to touch him.

Raising my right hand, which was ever so slightly shaking, I tentatively brought it up to his chest and slowly laid my palm flat against his left peck. Without any thought, my thumb started to rub back and forth across the front of his t-shirt. I could feel Edward’s eyes locked on me but I couldn’t remove my gaze from my hand. I needed to see what I was doing. If I looked at him, I would lose all my concentration.

My palm slowly began to lift so that just my fingers were trailing down his chest. I could feel his chest muscles spasm as I dragged my fingers over his nipple. Edward’s left hand was immediately over top of my right. I looked up and saw that Edward’s head was down and his eyes were watching me closely. It was only when I looked back down that I notice that my whole body was trembling slightly. Once again, I relied on a large breath to steady my nerves.

Edward’s hand gradually tightened on mine and he removed it from his chest. He brought it up to his slightly parted lips and placed a tender kiss on the top of each of my fingers. “Just relax, Bella.”

He tentatively lowered my hand back onto his chest. He didn’t remove his hand from mine though, but instead, slowly guided our joined hands lower down his abdomen, over his beautifully toned stomach and came to rest just at the very top of his pelvis. I quickly took in a breath and let it out in a shutter. Edward wouldn’t push me any further, he was waiting for me to be ready and move forward on my own terms.

I hesitantly lowered my hand until it was lying gently over the bulge in his pants. My breathing had already escalated but I could hear that Edward’s had also. My eyes looked up to find his half closed and his mouth partly open.

“Edward? Is this okay?” I asked in a timid voice, noticing the slight scrunching between his eyebrows.

“It’s more than okay, Bella,” he breathed out. “I just haven’t been touched like this in a long time and having you be the one to touch me like this feels better than I’ve been imagining.” I smirked at myself that I was actually making Edward a little winded just by my touch.

Instinctively, my fingers started to drag up and down along the length of his shaft, as Edward removed his hand from on top of mine and placed it on the back of the couch. I was not putting any pressure on him, just letting myself get use to the feel of him under my fingers.  After a couple of passes, I noticed that Edward’s breath was beginning to come out a little choppy.

 “Is this still okay?” I had to ask, just to make sure that I was not fucking up a simple thing like touching Edward.

“Don’t over think it, Bella, you’re doing perfect. Just do what comes naturally to you.” I looked up and met his glowing eyes. I didn’t think that they had ever looked so green.

“Show me,” I whispered as I stared into his eyes.

Edward removed his hand from the back of the couch and gently engulfed mine under his.

“Here,” he patiently led me, opening my hand and laying it flat over him. My fingers instinctively curled around his length as he slowly started guiding my hand to stroke him up and down. I could feel him twitch under my palm shortly after Edward removed his hand from on top of mine, leaving me to get use to the action on my own.

The faint sound of Edward mumbling words in a whisper could be heard but I couldn’t make out what words were leaving his mouth. I could, however, make out the soft moan that left his lips and as it did, I felt him grow beneath my hand and twitch even more. I brought my hand up to the very top of him and pressed down with my thumb on his tip, trying to avoid pressing the material of his bathing suit into him before I pushed my hand down his entire length with a bit more pressure.

“Bella,” Edward whimpered, and I was a little shocked since I had never heard him whimper before. I instantly removed my hand, thinking that I was pressing too hard, or that I was rubbing the material against him, actually causing him discomfort and looked up to see an almost tortured look in his eyes.

“Sorry, was that too hard?”

“No hun, it wasn’t too hard, it was perfect,” he breathed. “But we need to stop, before I get any harder.”  I blushed as I looked away from his strained expression.

“Oh,” was all I could manage to say as Edward leaned over and kissed me before he got up and excused himself to go to the bathroom.