Chapter 18 text

Tuesday, July 20th

It was still dark outside as I slowly lifted my head off Edward’s chest to gaze at his sleeping face. I had been up for hours as my thoughts wouldn’t let me rest. I couldn’t get what happened yesterday out of my mind. Edward had touched me, and I him. Over the clothes mind you, but still; his hand had cradled my breast, was on my inner thigh and mine was actually on him, in a very intimate way. I had never felt a man before, not even Jake. We hugged, held hands, but that was about the extent of me touching Jacob. I had actually touched Edward - felt his chest, ran my thumb over his nipple and felt him harden in the palm of my hand. It was the scariest, but most gratifying moment of my life thus far.

I gently lowered my cheek back onto Edward’s chest as I softly ran my hand back and forth over his peck. I wonder what it felt like for Edward to touch me? The feeling of Edward’s hands was still floating all over my body: his fingers dancing over my ribs, his thumb rubbing gentle circles on my hip and his strong palm cradling my breast. His hands were nothing like Jacob’s. Jake lived by the ‘grab and twist’ mentality - no warm up and no enjoyment. Edward did nothing but please me, making sure that I was enjoying myself 100% of the time. And although everything that we did last night we had done before, having Edward make me focus on his touch alone made everything so much more intimate and my trust in him grow stronger.

I was surprised at how comfortable I was with everything. I wasn’t regretting what happened last night and was actually looking forward to the next time Edward would touch me. Even though at the time I froze and panicked, looking back, it was simply the fear of the unknown. I trusted Edward completely. I just had to realize that I couldn’t control everything and had to believe that Edward wouldn’t hurt me or take advantage of me. He wanted to be with me and would do whatever he needed to in order to make that happen.

The continual thoughts of Edward and me last night on the couch started to stir echoing emotions in me. Although we were now simply lying in bed - my cheek resting on Edward’s chest while Edward had his right arm wrapped around me - the simple touch of Edward’s body pressed against mine was igniting something in me. My stomach was beginning to flutter, my breath was starting to escalate, and I could feel my heart beating faster, harder. His simple touch was turning me on.

My hand continued to move over Edward’s t-shirt covered chest, but I longed to feel the warmth coming from underneath. With a steadying breath, I hesitantly lowered my hand to the hem of his shirt and quickly swiped my thumb across the bare skin between his pants and top. With the knowledge that he was asleep, I was able to explore these emotions and desires more freely. With that slight burst of confidence, I snuck my right hand further under his shirt until my entire palm was flat against his stomach.

I watched as my hand moved up and down under his t-shirt with every breath he took. I cautiously pushed my hand higher, wanting to explore more of Edward’s body. My hand glided over his lower stomach, up to his solid pecks and slowly came to rest over his heart. It was beating in a sturdy rhythm which began to hypnotize me.

My head buried deeper into his chest as the thumb on my hand slowly started to rub back and forth over his soft skin. The feel on his flesh against mine, the beating of his heart and the warmth of his body was so comforting that I couldn’t help but close my eyes.

“Bella?”

I could hear a soft, sleepy whisper as gentle lips moved against my forehead.

“Bella, it’s time to get up.”

My eyes hesitantly opened to find Edward staring down at me with a tired but content expression. Slowly pressing down on his chest so that I could rise up, I noticed that my hand was not only still under his shirt, but was now sandwiched between Edward’s chest and his left hand.

I tried to pull my hand away, completely embarrassed that I had just been caught fondling Edward’s chest  in his sleep, but his hand only pressed tighter against mine, locking my hand in place.

“Don’t you dare,” he said in a tired voice, his eyes slowly closing as he gently squeezed my hand and rubbed his thumb over it. “It feels good.”

My thumb restarted its back and forth motion over Edward’s heart as a soft sigh escaped his mouth before he fell back asleep. I took the opportunity to rise up enough to see the alarm clock. It was 8:03am, and I had somehow slept through my alarm. That’s never happened before.

“Edward?” I asked in a soft voice, not really wanting to wake him up, but wanting to know if I needed to stop off and get a new alarm clock on my way home from work. The only response I got from Edward was a soft grunt in acknowledgement of my voice.

“Did my alarm go off?” I asked gently into his right ear.

Again, I got a grunt from Edward before he stirred and verbalized his answer. “No,” he moaned as he twisted onto his right side so we were facing each other and pulled me closer to his chest. “I woke up just before it went off.”

He was silent for a couple of seconds and I thought he had fallen back to sleep. But just as I was about to question why he, presumably, turned off my alarm, he continued with the rest of his thought. “I didn’t want it to wake you, so I turned it off and I woke you instead.”

His logic didn’t make sense to me. What was the difference between the alarm waking me and Edward waking me? Both ways, I would end up awake. But I guess waking up to Edward kissing me on the forehead was nicer than violent beeping.

I reached up and kissed the right side of Edward’s jaw just as soft snores started to emit from his slightly parted lips. I reluctantly extricated myself from Edwards’s warmth and begun my morning ritual: shower, brush, dress. I had chosen a soft yellow, flowing skirt and a white shirt with some lace detail at the neck to wear as it was already warming up outside. I grabbed my clothes and stealthily got dressed in my room with my back to Edward. I had never gotten changed in front of anyone before, but the light snoring coming from my bed reassured me that nothing of mine would be seen.

After finishing off the outfit, I threw my hair in a ponytail and carefully leaning down beside the beautiful man in my bed. I gently placed a kiss on his forehead and told him I was leaving for work. It was so much easier with Edward having a key to my place. With his stupid work hours, his sleep schedule was all over the place. And it was nice to know that even when I wasn’t there, Edward was still in my bed.

The traffic was almost non-existent as I made my way to school. I had plenty of time to spare as I set up the classroom f f        or our mock debates. Each student was to present why the hero of their story was a negative influence while the rest of the class had the opportunity to refute their statements and state why they were a ‘good’ hero. And although not everyone knew each other’s stories, the students had been presenting aspects of their story all summer and the class had a good idea about each piece of literature.

As the class started and the debates began, I took on the role of mediator: taking note of major points on both the positive and negative sides of the arguments, controlling the debate when the points were getting ridiculous and finally, making the final decision about who won the debate. The event took the entire day and, not surprisingly, the students all won their ‘negative’ hero argument, picking out some very interesting and minute details of the story to help prove their point.

The day went by very quickly and I couldn’t have been happier, as my mind constantly went back to Edward lying in my bed. By the time I got home, however, my happiness slowly fell as the absence of a Volvo in my driveway brought with it the realization that Edward was no longer there. And truthfully, I shouldn’t have expected him to wait all day for me. He had a life, had friends, a very demanding job, and I…well, I was just me.

Dejectedly, I walked into my home, took off my shoes and threw my keys on the hallway table. It was a note in the bowl where my keys landed that made me pause. I picked up the letter, almost knowing what it was going to say, and took it to the couch, where I plopped down and opened the piece of paper.

Bella,

I hate waking up without you. It makes my day so much longer not being able to see your beautiful face before I go to work.

I released an angry breath of air at the fact that I had forgotten that Edward had to work today. I really needed to get a copy of his work schedule. I shook my head and continued to read his letter.

I’ll be done at about 9:30 tonight and I’ll come over as soon as I can. Please wait up for me.

 I made you dinner as I won’t be able to spend it with you. It’s in the fridge.

I know we didn’t get to talk about what happened last night, but I just want you to know that even though I know it was hard for you, what happened between us last night was amazing. I’m so proud of you for opening up to me and trusting me.

Thank  you.

Yours,

Edward.

I closed the letter, leaving it on the coffee table in the living room and went into the kitchen to find out what Edward had made me for dinner. Inside the fridge was a large bowl of stir-fry. There were broccoli, carrots, peppers of every color, celery, red onions, water chestnuts, snow peas and cut up chicken all mixed together in one bowl, sitting in a sauce for seasoning. In a separate bowl was a pile of basmati rice, already made. There was a sticky note on the stir-fry mix that read ‘heat me up and eat me’ with a big smiley face underneath.

With a small chuckle, I closed the fridge, grabbed a glass of water and went upstairs to my room to grab a book out of my side table drawer. With the leather bound book in hand, I made my way back downstairs, out to my back patio to do something I hadn’t done in a very long time. I placed my water on the patio table and opened my journal to find the last page I had written on.

July 4, 2002

I’m such an idiot. Why did I expect anything different???? After 9 years, why haven’t I learned? How many times do I have to smash my head against a wall before I realize ‘hey this hurts, maybe I shouldn’t do it anymore?’ Why did I think this time would be different?

I can’t believe that he just left me there. He invited me to the fireworks and he doesn’t show up? But I guess ‘we never really finalized anything’ constitutes a good excuse. Although, a location, date and time would constitute finalized plans to me, but what do I know. Clearly nothing!

I just can’t believe I fell for it again. How can I be so pathetic to actually think that Jake would finally become decent and want to go on a real date with me? Maybe it was the emails telling me he had a dream about me, or our conversation over MSN where he told me one of his fantasies about me. Or maybe, and I hate myself for saying this, it was the fact that he brought up that fucking conversation in his kitchen again, where he told me that there was no one else for him but me. That he couldn’t see himself with anyone else but me. That he missed me, was tired of dating around. That he wanted to be with me, for real, for the long run.

I just don’t get what he has over me. Yes, he’s gorgeous, and ye,s he was my first kiss, the only man I’ve ever loved and the only man to ever show me any affection, but he can’t be it, can he? There has to be more out there for me.

Oh God, please don’t let Jake be it for me. I deserve better than him. I deserve someone who actually wants to be with me, someone I can trust, someone who will actually show up. Someone who isn’t embarrassed to be around me and who wants to introduce to me his friends and family,  instead of asking me to introduce him to my friends so that he can hit on them in front of me. 

What did I do to deserve this? Why is the only man to ever notice me a selfish ass? I guess I just need to figure out if I’m better off being lonely or being used. The sad part is, I honestly don’t know which would be worse.

~B

I looked at my journal, remembering exactly when I wrote the final passage. It was the summer after my sophomore year at college and I was home for the weekend to celebrate the 4^th of July. I had called Alice after waiting for Jake for over thirty minutes but she didn’t answer her phone since she was at Emmett’s party and probably couldn’t hear it ring. She was at the same party I was supposed to be at, but cancelled so that I could spend the night with Jake. 

My eyes scanned over the passage one more time before I angrily flipped to a new page. Time for a change!

I wrote “A NEW START” at the top of the page and instead of writing to my journal, I made a list. I made a list of everything that Edward did for me that made me feel special and wanted - every date we went on, all the sweet things he said to me, and most importantly, how me made me feel. I wrote about how we met, our first dance, how he held me that night, our first kiss, our first date, how he called me beautiful, the flowers he bought me, the dinners we had together. Everything I could remember. I wanted to keep a record of all the goodness that had come into my life since Edward. I wanted tangible proof that I had changed, that I was getting better, looking at the positives instead of surrounding myself with the negatives. Proof that Edward had helped change me.

The list was sixteen pages long, front and back. And although a journal page was not the same size as a regular piece of lined paper, I had at least two pages written for each day that we had known each other.

I stayed out in the backyard writing until my stomach forced me into the kitchen. I took the stir-fry mixture and the rice out of the fridge, poured both bowls into a large wok and slowly mixed all the ingredients together. My dinner was done heating in less than ten minutes and I found myself, once again, out in my backyard. The dinner Edward made me sitting beside me as I completed the list in my journal for today’s date, writing about the amazing dinner Edward had prepared for me and how he had wanted to wake me up with a kiss instead of going back to sleep himself and allowing the alarm clock to do its job.

I continued writing and re-reading what I wrote until my second bowl of stir-fry was done, the sun was almost set and the weather was starting to chill. Taking everything inside with me, I packed away the left over stir-fry for Edward and made my way into the living room to watch some TV. I was happy with the minimal progress I had made today and last night. It had been a huge step to open up and let Edward touch me anyway he wanted, trusting him enough to allow him freedom over my body. But he had earned that trust and because of that, it was willingly given.

The smile wouldn’t leave my face as I thought about Edward. It was true that I was still struggling with my own self worth, as well as my doubts that Edward actually wanted to be with me and that he wouldn’t leave, but there was no denying the change in me at simply knowing that I was important to someone else. I had never felt that way before. Knowing that I mattered, that someone cared about me and that someone actually wanted to spend time with me was something I was still trying to wrap my mind around, but was willing to. For Edward.

Friends played in the background as I sat on my couch reading the paper. There was nothing but mayhem and death on each page, minus the ‘Sports’, ‘Classified’ and ‘Arts and Culture’ sections, but nonetheless, it was still depressing. I wanted to try and make an honest effort to change my mentality about myself and my attitude about society and the world. I wanted to be better; that was why I had opened up to Jasper. I didn’t want to be ‘sad Bella’ anymore. I wanted to be happy with where I was in my life, even if it wasn’t where I wanted it to be. I didn’t want to feel so alone and ostracized. I needed to start seeing the good, instead of how other people’s good made me feel bad.  But with all the negativity in the paper, I was finding it hard to keep the happy mood I I had been in when I was writing in my journal. Folding the paper back up, I decided, instead, to focus on the show in front of me.

After three episodes of Friends, one cup of coffee and a quick glance through the flyers in the paper, I heard the familiar sound of a car pulling into my driveway as a beam of light shone through my living room window. I quickly got up and went to the kitchen to throw the left over stir-fry in the microwave and then actually scurried to the front door to open it for the man who never failed to comfort me and make me feel wanted and happy. I watched as Edward gracefully stepped out of the car wearing dark gray slacks and a light blue dress shirt with the arms rolled up.

He reached into the back seat and pulled out his black duffle bag before confidently strutting up to the front door with a crooked smile plastered on his beautiful face. It wasn’t until he was right in front of me, his bag dropped on my stoop and his arms wrapped tightly around me, that he finally spoke.

“Hi, beautiful,” he whispered into the left side of my neck before he placed a gentle kiss against my skin. I closed my eyes and relaxed into his arms. He was home.

Edward pulled back with a relieved expression that must have mirrored my own before he leaned back in and gently pressed his warms lips to mine. I could hear a soft sigh of relief coming from Edward as our lips moved innocently against one another. My fingers tentatively moved up his chest and around his neck as Edward continued to hold and kiss me. We were not desperate or urgent, but it was clear that we needed and missed each other.

I slowly pulled back and just looked at Edward. We stayed there for an unknown amount of time, holding each other and just gazing into each other’s eyes. We had an unspoken conversation, where, although no words were spoken, emotions were shared. It wasn’t until Mrs. Granger, my widowed, old neighbor pulled into the driveway that Edward and I dislodged ourselves. Edward bent down and picked up his forgotten duffle bag before we walked into my house, hand in hand.

“It smells great in here,” he said as he dropped his bag on the landing and kicked off his shoes.

“It’s your leftovers. Thank you by the way, dinner was excellent.”

Edward took his bag upstairs as I went into the kitchen to fetch his now heated dinner. We met back in the living room where Edward proceeded to eat as he told me about his day.

“It just pisses me off,” he started. “They knew that Jasper would be away on his honeymoon months ago and they’re just springing this on me now.”

It was hard trying to follow Edward’s train of thought, as he was obviously very frustrated about something. I watched as he angrily speared a piece of chicken before he continued.

“I mean, seriously. You’d think that they would need to give me more than three days notice for something like this.”

“Ok, Edward. You’ve lost me, start over.”

He put the now empty bowl on the coffee table and turned on the couch so that we were facing each other before he began.

“So, I got called into Marcus’ office today, he’s the Director of Rehabilitation. Apparently there’s a conference being put on by the American Musical Therapy Association in Maryland this weekend that they signed Jasper up for 8 months ago. For some reason, they didn’t put together the date of the conference and the date of Jasper’s honeymoon. So now I have to go to it since they’ve already paid for the flight, registration and hotel for the weekend.”

I sat there as my heart clenched tightly in my chest at his news.

“So now I have to work all day tomorrow, pack Thursday and be on the plane by seven am Friday morning.”

I could feel the panic rising up in me. I knew that it was only a weekend and that it would be an amazing opportunity for him to further his research in the field, but I didn’t want him to leave. What if this time away from me gave him the opportunity to clear his mind and re-examine his feelings for me? What if he met someone prettier, smarter, more confident at the conference?

Working hard to swallow down the lump that had grown in my throat, I lowered my eyes to our entwined hands.

“How long will you be gone?” I asked in an admittedly weak voice.

“My return flight lands at ten am on Monday. So I’ll be gone for about three and a half days.”

The sadness in his voice made me hope that he was as reluctant to go as I was to having him leave. We sat in silence for a long time, my sight focused on our hands as Edward’s thumb slowly moved back and forth over my knuckles. I squeezed my eyes shut, took a calming breath and re-focused my eyes on our entwined hands.

“Bella?” Edward finally asked in a soft yet apprehensive voice.

I looked up to meet his eyes and found them pleading with me, full of worry.

“Are you going to be ok with me going? If not, I’ll tell them to forget it, to find someone else. I don’t want you to feel like I’m-”

“No,” I told him in a soft voice. “You need to go. It’s great that they asked you. It shows how highly they think of you and trust you for them to send you in Jasper’s place.”

I had to swallow the lump in my throat before I continued.

“I’ll be fine,” I lied. “I’ll just miss you.” Well, at least I ended with the truth.

Edward abruptly stood up and brought me with him.

“Come on,” he stated as he walked me towards the stairs, turning off the lights in the living room and locking the door before he continued. “Let’s not talk about this anymore tonight. Let’s just go to bed.”

Without another word, Edward lightly pulled me up the stairs, his right hand still holding my left, as he led me straight into my bedroom. He sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled me to stand between his legs. We were silent for a while, Edward’s hands around my waist and my forearms resting on his shoulders before he tightened his arms around me and pulled my stomach flush against his chest. His gentle lips placed innocent kisses across my t-shirt covered stomach before his right hand slid up my back and around my neck to cradle my cheek in the palm of his hand. He gently pulled my face down so that our lips could connect.

Edward’s kiss seemed softer than ever before. His lips tenderly massaged mine, leisurely taking my bottom lip between his and affectionately caressing it it with his tongue. My lips opened up to him immediately, as he pulled my body tighter to his. Edward’s left arm caged me to his chest, so that when he slowly started to fall backwards onto the bed, we moved as one.

I delicately landed on the mattress on my right side, Edward’s arms creating a protective cage around me, refusing to lessen his hold or relinquish my lips. The tenderness that Edward showed made me fall deeper into his embrace. His left arm wrapped under me as his right hand continued to gently caress my jawbone.

Little breaths and moans tried to escape Edward’s mouth, only to end up floating across his tongue and landing on mine as they softly danced with each other. His mouth was so soft, warm and addictive that I couldn’t help open more to him. I could feel my body reacting and my nerves stirring, but my need for him, especially knowing that he would be leaving me in three days, prohibited me from slowing down.

Edward slowly rolled on top of me, bringing his left hand around to my side and carefully slid it under my shirt. The feel of his hands on my bare skin took my breath away and I had to remove my lips from Edward’s in order to get a breath. His lips, however, never left my skin. Tender kisses trailed along my jaw line, down my neck and across my collarbone as my fingers tailed into his hair.

“Edward,” I breathlessly whispered as his tongue poked out and he placed an open mouth kiss at the junction of my neck and shoulder. I couldn’t help how his name slipped off my tongue in pleasure.

“Do you want me to stop?” he whispered, ghosting his lips against my neck, never losing contact with my skin.

I shook my head, although I was sure he couldn’t see, and pulled his lips back to mine, back where they belonged. I was surprised at how I was able to control my nerves. I could definitely feel them brewing, but I had to force myself to believe that Edward would stop if I needed him to and that he would never push me. I tried not to overthink w what I was doing, while trying to maintain some sort of control over my anxiety and desire.

As Edwards lips pressed with eagerness against mine, I felt his left hand slowly move higher and higher under my shirt. I could feel the goose bumps and tingles under my skin as this new part of my body was being exposed and explored by Edward. My lips separated from Edwards as the anxiety spiked. I was in a new territory and was mentally yelling ‘two point five, two point five, two point five’ over and over in my head, remember Edward’s scale from last night, but couldn’t deny the pleasure I got from feeling his strong, warms hands floating over my ribs.

“Is this ok?” Edward asked as his eyes met mine for the first time since we started kissing.

“Yes,” I breathed out as I nodded at him. I knew that he was going to go slow and that he was going to make sure I was ok. I just needed to make sure he knew that I trusted him, and telling him to stop by yelling out a number was not the way to do that.

A small smile lit up his face as his hand ventured up little by little until my shirt was bunched up on the right side, exposing half my stomach and ribs. Edward chuckled as my tight shirt prevented his hand from going any higher. He sat back on his heels, removed his left hand from under my shirt and brought his right hand to join it at the strip of skin that was showing between my top and skirt. He looked at me with a quirked eyebrow, although his eyes shone with concern.

“May I?” he asked, as both is hands played with the bottom of my top, carefully lifting the hem. His intentions were clear; he wanted the shirt gone. My nerves were making my body literally shake as I hesitantly sat up in front of Edward, his hands still holding my waist and my legs crossing in front of me. I took a shaky breath and cautiously raised my arms over my head. I can do this. I need to do this. I want to do this. He’s not Jake!

With a grateful smile, Edward leaned in and gave me a gentle kiss before he started lifting my shirt, torturously slow. When he finally pulled the offending garment over my head and freed my arms, I automatically crossed my arms over my chest to cover my peach-colored, lace bra. Thank God it’s a pretty one and not my sports bra.

“Please don’t hide from me,” Edward pleaded as he looked me in the eyes and rubbed his hands up and down my arms, trying to calm my nerves. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed or nervous about. It’s just me, Bella.”

With another steadying breath and a soft, reassuring kiss from Edward, I lowered my hands and allowed Edward’s eyes to gaze upon me.

“So beautiful,” he whispered as his hands found the naked flesh of my hips and ribs.

From that point on, my nerves would not subside. No matter how tender Edward’s touches were, or how caring his words were, the tension remained. Our lips joined once again, his tongue immediately seeking out mine.

As our lips moved against one another’s with a need and craving, Edward lowered me back onto the mattress as his left hand once again started to climb up my skin. His gentle fingers fluttered over my ribs until they met with the underwire of my bra. And with only a moment’s hesitation, Edward’s warm hands were cradling my bra covered breasts.

I pulled my lips away from Edward’s as I gasped at the feeling. There was no grab and twist like I was expecting, thanks to Jake. Edward’s hands were tender, slow, and his thumb carefully rubbed over my lace covered peak.

“Oh, Bella,” Edward sighed as he started to kiss lower and lower. I fought with my mind to focus on  and completely absorb the pleasure of Edward’s every touch, instead of dwelling on the sudden spike of fear that shot threw me. Before I knew it, his lips were placing sweet kisses on the swell of my breasts, his fingers playing at the edge of my bra, slowing pulling the cup down to discover my hidden flesh.

My breath was loud, heavy and fast. My chest was heaving and shaking with every inhale and exhale, and my hands were clutching my comforter for dear life. I didn’t know what was happening, whether I wanted him to stop, or if I wanted him to keep going. It was only when Edward’s thumb gently swept across my nipple that my answer was forced upon me.

Suddenly, Edward’s lips were no longer on mine, my bra was back covering my right breast and Edward’s hands were lowered to my sides, both his thumbs rubbing soothing circles across my ribs. I opened my eyes, which I hadn’t realize were closed, and looked up at Edward’s troubled expression.

“Bella?” he asked, worry filling his voice. “Are you okay?”

It was at that point that I realized that my whole body was trembling, my breathing was shaky and coming out with a soft whimper, and my m hands were fisted into the bed sheets so hard that, even in the moonlight, I could tell they were turning white. My jaw was even starting to hurt because I was unknowingly clenching my teeth.

Edward continued to rub his thumbs over my bare skin as I closed my eyes and tried to calm my body down. It shocked me that I wasn’t even aware of how my body was reacting and progressing. I had forced my brain to be so wrapped up in Edward that I had ignored myself. I loosened my hands from the bed sheets and placed them on Edward’s thighs, which were astride my own. I took a couple of deep, yet still shaky breaths until I could feel my heart slowing down. I had to open my eyes and lock them with Edward’s. Once there, I felt grounded.

“Yes,” I finally answered him in a slowly steadying voice. “I’m fine.”

“Bella…”

“Edward, I promise. I’m fine.” My right hand reached up and brushed the worry line that rested in between Edward’s eyebrows. “I just got carried away.”

A small smile lit up Edward’s lips as he slowly leaned down and placed a feather light kiss on my forehead. He wrapped his arms around my back and brought me up to sit in his lap, our cc hests pressed to together. My arms were around his neck as his hands slowly splayed over my lower back.

“I’m sorry if I pushed you,” he whispered into my right shoulder.

“Edward, you didn’t.” Pulling back, I could still see the worry lines slightly creased across his beautiful face. I needed to tell him, show him that I wanted his touch. I was still nervous and hesitant, but I trusted him and knew that he would stop before things went too far. Plus, if I don’t push myself, all we’ll end up doing is kissing and holding hands. Edward will never push me so I’ll have to do it myself. With a careful tug on his neck, I brought Edward down with me to lie side by side on the bed, facing each other.

“Edward,” I started, running my hands up and down his chest as his left hand landed on my right thigh. “You didn’t push me. Not one bit. You checked with me every step you took and I kept telling you I was fine. I wasn’t shaking and breathing erratically because I was scared, but because I was nervous.” I slowly leaned in to press a delicate kiss against his perfect mouth.

“I know you would stop before things got to be too much for me,” I continued, just millimeters separating our lips. “I trust you, Edward.”

As the final word left my lips, Edward captured them in a heated kiss. His left hand gripped my thigh tighter as my right hand gripped the hair at the back of his neck. There was no hesitation in our kiss. Our mouths naturally opened in unison and our tongues met in the middle. Edward’s moan vibrated throughout my mouth as my right knee instinctively bent and hitched up against Edward’s thigh, moving us that much closer together, my nearly bare chest pressing into the soft cotton of his shirt.

My skirt rode up as my leg hitched and Edward’s warm hand was now rubbing my bare skin. My breath caught in my throat and my nerves attached, but I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want Edward to second guess how much I trusted him, although I could tell that my body had begun to shake once again.

“Bella,” Edward whispered against my lips. I pulled back to look into his lust filled eyes as he removed his hand from under my skirt and cupped both my cheeks, cradling my face as if it were made of glass. “Don’t push yourself. We’ll get there, when you’re ready.”

With one final kiss, Edward rolled onto his back and tucked me into his right side, pulling the now disheveled comforter out from under us to tuck us into bed, still clothed and all.