CH 14 text

Friday, July 16th

It was the night from hell and I didn’t understand why. Whenever I slept in Edward’s arms, I slept soundly, comfortably throughout the entire night, but last night, I tossed and turned, had glimpses of bad dreams and woke up in a sweat. However, that wasn’t the only thing that had disturbed me. I woke up to an empty bed.

The early morning light from outside was filtering through my bedroom window, encompassing the room in a soft glow. I turned onto my left side and then my right, searching my bed for any sign of Edward, but there was none. I laid still with my eyes pressed closed, listening for any sign of life in my home. Maybe he’s just in the bathroom. It was deadly silent. Well, there you have it. He ran. Apparently I didn’t mean that much if he skulked out in the middle of the night.

I perched myself on my left elbow to see what time shone on my clock, but the bright red glowing lights were obscured by a folded piece of paper. With anxious hands, I clicked on my bedside lamp and grabbed the letter.

“Sleeping Beauty” was scrawled across the front in his elegant handwriting. I slowly leaned back against my headboard and flipped open the folded piece of paper.

Good morning, beautiful.

I’m so sorry that I won’t be there when you wake up. I got a page early this morning from the hospital. One of the other doctors couldn’t make their 6am shift and the ER needed the extra set of hands.

Unfortunately, I’ll be gone all day. Dr. Harter was scheduled to work until midnight tonight and I have to work my regular shift in therapy tomorrow at 8am, so I’ll probably just sleep in the on-call room at the hospital. I will call you though, whenever I can. I miss you already.

I also wanted to tell you how sorry I am about last night. I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable or for you to feel pressured to do something you didn’t want to do, something you didn’t feel like you were ready to do. You give me everything, Bella, just by being you. I would never want you to think that I need more than what you are willing to give. I just want to be with you, in whatever capacity you will allow.

Now on a completely unrelated and hopefully, not too forward note; I took your house key off your key ring this morning so that I could lock up after me. I left your place at 4:30am and you looked too peaceful and beautiful to wake up. I also didn’t want to have to worry about you sleeping with your house unlocked. I put the key on top of the back left tire of your truck, hidden under the wheel well. I hope this doesn’t worry you that I borrowed your key, I was just worried about you and wanted to make sure you were safe. I care about you greatly and feel very protective of you and I hope that my actions weren’t too forward.

I miss you, and wish that you were still in my arms. Have a good day off and I’ll call you when I can.

Yours,

Edward

I read the letter over twice, trying to take in everything that he had written. He apologized for yesterday, although I was the one that needed to apologize. He said that he just wanted to be with me in whatever way I was comfortable with. He wouldn’t push, he would appreciate what he could get, and apparently, I gave him everything! He missed me, he wanted me to be safe, he cared for me and felt protective of me.

He took my house key. Um…yea.

As ‘stockerish’ as his actions might have seemed to an outsider, seeing how we hadn’t even known each other for a week, it warmed my heart that Edward had enough foresight and that he felt strongly enough to make sure I was going to be ok until I woke up.

The feelings of safety and comfort quickly disappeared and were replaced with concern, not only for the fact that Edward was working an 18 hour shift today, quickly followed by a 10 hour shift tomorrow and I couldn’t see him so I had another lonely day ahead of me, but concern that for a moment this morning, Edward had a key to my house. The thought rolled around in my head as I stared back down at his letter, still gripped tightly in my hands. Edward had a key to my house. Even if it was just for a minute, Edward had the power to come in after his shifts at night, crawl into bed and hold me tight without having to wake me up to let him in. He could stay nights when he had to work early the next morning and not have to be concerned about making sure I was safe. He could be waiting for me when I got home from work, or he could drop off surprise flowers for me, leaving them on my bed, or kitchen table. Edward could have a key to my house!

Wake the hell up Bella!!!! 6 days!!! You’ve known him 6 days. And what makes you think that he’d bring you flowers?  How much do you really know about him? But if it’s such a bad idea, why does it excite me? I wish Alice were here. She’d know what to do.

I refolded the letter and placed it back beside my alarm clock, noting that it was just after 7am. I pushed back my covers, crawled out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. I looked at my face in the mirror. I looked the same as I always did; plain, ordinary, not ugly, but not beautiful. Edward thinks I’m beautiful. When I looked more closely, there was something different, some unnamed emotion shining in my eyes, and although I had a lonely day ahead of me, I still managed to have a small smile grace my face. It’s Edward, I thought, starting to recognize the importance of this man to my life.

People had always told me that I just hadn’t found who I was meant to be with, that there was a person out there who was made just for me, but I never believed them. Not really. I still didn’t know if I did. At one point in time, I had thought that Jake could have been my person, the one who I was meant to be with, the one that ‘fate’, if I even believed in ‘fate’, had created for me, but that I had ruined any chance with him. I thought that I had lost my one and only chance at having someone actually want me, at possibly being happy. But was it possible that Edward, the incredibly sexy, successful and caring doctor, was actually my real opportunity at happiness? I honestly didn’t know. It was too good to be true, I wasn’t lucky enough to find happiness, let alone happiness with someone like Edward.

I shook my head to break the thought and jumped in the shower to start my day. The key, fate, happiness, ‘the one’. Was Edward the answer to everything? Was him taking my key this morning just the push I needed to realize how much he actually cared for me? Did only knowing him for such a short amount of time really matter if there was a connection?

My mind wandered as I turned on the hot water and pulled the shower curtain closed. Once the water was warm enough, I pulled up the lever and the glorious warmth rained down on me. My mind ran in a million different directions, asking a million and one questions that I didn’t have a single answer for.

I mindlessly washed and conditioned my hair, letting the smell of strawberries engulf the bathroom. I grabbed my tan shower poof, squeezing on my body wash and tried to scrub away all the negative and doubtful thoughts floating around my head. What if I actually give him a key to my place so he doesn’t have to worry about taking mine again and he rejects it? What if he says it’s too soon, that he’s not into me enough to want a key to my house? He didn’t keep it anyway, he said that he put it on my rear tire. He must know that I have a spare somewhere in the house, that he could have kept it, but he didn’t. He didn’t want it. He didn’t want that much access to me. He didn’t want the pressure of having to be around me that much. If he had a key, he would feel obligated to use it.

I rinsed my hair and body and turned off the warm water, letting the cold reality settle on my wet skin. If I hadn’t wasted my possibly one and only chance of happiness with Jake, would I feel like this? Would I ask myself these questions? Would I be over analyzing everything I did with Edward? Would I feel so lost and confused and completely…unsure of everything? I don’t even feel like I know who I am anymore. I am completely unsure of myself, of everything going on in my life.

I stepped out of the shower, wrapped myself in my bathrobe, twisted my long hair up in another towel, and brushed my teeth. Then I made my way to my bedroom and connected my iPhone to my dock, pressing shuffle.

Days like this, I don’t know what to do with myself

All day---and all night

I wonder the hall along the walls and under my breath

I say to myself

I need fuel---to take flight

I dropped the jeans I was holding on the floor as my attention was pulled to the lyrics Fiona Apple sang. I didn’t know what to do, with myself, with Edward, with anything in my life. I felt completely alone, as if I was wandering blindly through my life, hoping that one day, I would be able to see where I was going and, as the song said, “take flight”. I dropped to my bed, staring at my iPhone dock, listening as my life was sung by a stranger.

Is that why they call me a sullen girl---a sullen girl

They don’t know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea

But he washed me ashore

And he took my pearl

And left an empty shell of me

I quickly sprang across my bed and turned off my docking station, no longer wanting to hear the truth of my life in the words. I didn’t need someone else telling me that I was an empty shell because of a man, I already knew that.

I settled for the deafening silence as I dressed in jeans and a red tank top with white polka dots and an elastic empire waist. I noticed Edward’s letter on my night stand as I went around my bed, taking off my sheets to wash them. I let out a sigh and sat down on the bed before reading it once more. He really did sound like he was concerned about me. And he didn’t seem too worried about taking my key to lock up. He sounded more concerned about how I would react to his actions.

After letting out another sigh, still unsure about my new dilemma, I set about my ‘to do’ list for the day. I finished taking the navy blue bed sheets and duvet cover off my bed and went to the linen closet in the hall to get some new sheets, pillow cases and another duvet cover. I reached into the closet and pulled out my favorite bedding. It was a cream colored bedding set of the softest sheets I had ever felt and my favorite duvet cover with matching pillow cases. The duvet was chocolate brown and ice blue with cream horizontal stripes and small ribbing running horizontally over the top of it. The pillows had the same stripes, but crossing vertically. The set was a ‘house warming’ gift from Alice when I found my house. She had been looking with me for weeks, going through rental unit after rental unit until we found one that was comfortable, affordable and not too far from work. Luckily the place came furnished, minus the bed, which I had to purchase. When the bed was delivered, it came with the bedding from Alice.  

I took the sheets into my room and proceeded to make my bed. I gathered the old sheets and duvet cover, my laundry from my hamper and the towels from the bathroom and made my way down to the basement to do my four loads of laundry. While my whites were getting cleaned, I went upstairs and outside to grab the paper from the front stoop and my house key from on top of my truck tire. Then I came back into the house and made my way to the kitchen for breakfast.

“Well crap,” I said as I opened up my fridge to get some milk for my cereal. Clearly I would be adding grocery shopping to my list of things to do today. I ate my dry Honey Nut Cheerios, brushed my teeth again, changed the load of laundry and headed out for the day.

I was feeling lonely, as I was initially intending on spending the day with Edward. And although it would have just been a lazy day of doing chores, the company would have been nice.

I jumped in my truck and headed to the grocery store around the corner. My list wasn’t too big, just the necessities like milk, bread, eggs, chicken, cheese, fruit and coffee. I still had a few meal possibilities left from my last grocery stop so instead of going up and down the aisles like normal, I headed to specific items, then straight to the check out, not even allowing my focus to waver to the gum I always contemplate buying whenever I’m at the checkout counter.

I loaded my truck and sat in the parking lot, deciding on my next journey. Ok, Jasper said that I needed to trust myself more and stop over-analyzing everything. But is rationally thinking things out over-analyzing or is it being cautious and prepared? To key, or not to key, that is the question. Do I get an extra key made for Edward and hope he doesn’t reject it or do I forget what happened this morning and how I felt at the possibility of him having a key? I closed my eyes and for the first time in a long time, I listened to the advice that Jasper had given me and went with my gut, I went with what I wanted, not worrying about what others would think. I would worry about the consequences later. I started my truck and headed to Wal-Mart.

I pulled into the parking lot not 5 minutes later, surprisingly confident in the decision I was making. I walked into the store, smiled timidly at the greeter and headed to automotive to get a spare key made. On my way to the back of the store, someone called my name and a chill ran down my back.

“Bella!” they called again. I reluctantly turned around to see Kim, a girl I went to high school with, who actually knew about my history with Jake. She was the only friend who had actually met him. Kim and I had been hanging out at Charlie’s when Jake called and invited himself over. He came over, brought his friend Jared with him, a distraction for me apparently. Jake flirted with Kim right in front of me the entire time. Kim, however, has had a secret crush on Jared ever since.   

“Hey Kim,” I smiled at her as my stomach twisted. I liked Kim, she was always sweet to me, but she was a link to Jacob that I wasn’t ready to connect with. But regardless of how fearful and reluctant I was to have this encounter, Kim trudged on to close the gap between us.

“How are you?” she smiled just before she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. She pulled back to take a look at me. “You look good.”

“Thanks, so do you.”

“So, Bella, how have you been? I haven’t seen you in what, 10 years? How are things?”

“Things are good. How are things with you?” I tried as hard as I could to be polite, but I really didn’t want to talk about me. There wasn’t really anything to talk about anyway. Besides my job and my ‘thing?’ with Edward, nothing had changed with me in 10 years.

“I’m excellent,” she exclaimed with a huge smile growing on her face. “Jared and I are engaged and we’re getting married in April. My mom and I took the day off work so that we could spend the entire weekend here in Seattle looking for dresses.” She threw out her left hand to show off her engagement ring. I remembered Jared. He and Jake lived on the reservation and didn’t have a lot of money. He must have been saving up for the ring for a LONG time. It was a beautifully shaped yellow gold ring that carved around a single round diamond on top. I held my breath as I forced a smile onto my face and examined her hand.

“That’s beautiful, Kim. Congratulations.” I smiled at her and slowly stepped back.

“Thanks, Bella. We’re really excited.”

I smiled and nodded at her. I didn’t know what to say. I hated these moments when I couldn’t be happy for other people because it just reminded me of what I didn’t have and how I wasn’t as happy as them. An awkward silence settled between us and thankfully Kim’s mother came up behind her with some face cream and sunglasses in her hand.

“Kim?” she asked as she walked up towards us.

“Well,” Kim started as she turned back after holding up her finger to her mother to tell her she’d be there in a second, “it was great seeing you again, Bella. We should get together next time you’re in Forks.”

She came up to me again and gave me a tiny hug before she smiled and left with her mother. I stood there and watched the two women walk off to the cashiers, smiles on their faces and laughter echoing after them. I had to hold my breath and bite the inside corner of my mouth to gather my thoughts back in order. Once I could be certain that the tears wouldn’t come and that my chest wasn’t aching as much, I turned around and continued onwards to my automotive destination.

I wonder if Jake and Jared are still in touch. Or if she’ll tell Jake she saw me. I wonder if she’ll even remember we ran into each other by the time she gets back home. I miss my mom.

With lonely and longing thoughts running through my head, I got my spare key cut and made my way back home. Unfortunately, my run in with Kim had put a damper on my good morning. I continued to think how different our lives were as I put my groceries away and switched my laundry. I was just pulling my grade book out when I heard my phone ringing in my purse by the front door. I quickly walked over, pulled it out and sighed at the name on the screen.

“Hi” I answered with relief but sadness coloring my voice.

“Hey, beautiful. What’s the matter? You sound really sad.”

“I’m fine,” I lied. How could I tell Edward that I was depressed because I ran into someone I knew from Forks who was engaged? My loneliness was confusing and frustrating to me, so how was I supposed to explain it to Edward?

“Bella? What is it?”

“It’s nothing.”

“You’re worrying me. Did you have a bad dream after I left?” I could tell that he was genuinely concerned about what was wrong, but I still didn’t know if we were the type of people who confided in each other about things like this.

“Yea, I had a bad dream…but…I ran into someone from Forks today. A girl I went to high school with who’s dating one of Jacob’s friends…well…engaged to now I guess…” I trailed off, not really knowing how much I was supposed to or even allowed to unload on him.

“And…” he hedged, apparently wanting me to continue. I took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to proceed as I walked into my living room and plopped down on my couch.

“Well…I guess it just made me a bit sad. She was there wedding dress shopping with her mom and she showed me the ring…and…I don’t know.”

“You felt left out.” Edward didn’t ask if his assumption was correct. He just nailed it on the head.

“Yea,” I whispered under my breath as I lifted my right hand to wipe away a lone tear.

“Bella,” he sighed in a sad voice, “you’re not left out, hon. And I sense that you don’t really talk to your mother. I know that you ‘don’t do weddings’,” he paused to emphasize my own words from Alice and Jasper’s wedding, “but you can’t let someone else’s happiness bring you down.”

I was silent for a moment, trying to take in his words, but all I kept thinking was, where’s my happiness?

“Bella,” he interrupted my silence, “you still there?”

“Yea”

“Ok,” he started, but paused. I didn’t know if he was waiting for me to say something or if he was trying to gather his thoughts.

“Bella,” he started again, “you’re not left behind.” The unsuspecting truth behind his words was stabbing. That was exactly how I felt every day, that people were moving on and just forgot me along the way. I sniffled as more tears ran down my cheek.

“People go through different things at different stages of their life,” he continued. I nodded my head knowing that he couldn’t see me.

“And you’re not alone,” he said with strength in his voice, “you have me.”

I sat there on my couch wiping tears away as I tried to ground myself with his words. He knew my pain, but he also knew the words to say to make me rethink it. However, his last statement made me question if he was telling me what he truly believed, or just what he thought I needed to hear.

“Edward?” I asked in a tight voice as I sniffled and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself to ask the question that had been on my mind for the past six days, “what are we?”

“What do you mean?”

“What are we to each other?”

“Bella,” he sighed again, “I can’t tell you how you feel about me. But from the way you kiss me and what you said yesterday about how you’ve never been with anyone else like you’ve been with me, I’m pretty sure your feelings for me are more than just friends.” Again, I nodded, not really knowing how to respond to that.

“As for how I feel about you,” he continued, “I think I’ve made that pretty clear.” I could hear the smile in his voice as he reminded me of his letter from this morning. “You’re very important to me, Bella,” he continued in a more serious tone. “I care about you a lot. I think you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met. You are compassionate, and vulnerable, and incredibly intelligent, and you care tremendously about the people in your life. I’ve never met anyone who has a bigger heart or who was more giving. You’ve been hurt, and sometimes you’re insecure, but it just shows how honest and real you are. I care about you very much, Bella. I think about you all the time and constantly wish I were with you.”

“I think about you all the time too,” I whispered as tears continued to form behind my eyes at his words.

“We can be whatever you want us to be, Bella,” he stated with tenderness in his voice, which brought back my earlier concerns about progressing too fast. He was once again letting me know that he would take whatever I was willing to give. “If you want to say that we’re seeing each other and that we’re in a relationship, I would be more than happy with that. But if you just want to be friends, I will gladly accept that as well, although I would hope to one day be more than that.”

“I want to be more than friends too,” I whispered uncertainly as more questions flooded my mind after his declaration of feelings, “but I need to know some stuff first…if that’s ok.”

“Of course it’s ok. You can always ask me anything, Bella.”

“I just…” it was tougher than I thought it would be, asking the person I was ‘sorta’ seeing why he wanted to see me in the first place without sounding like I was looking for a compliment. “I just don’t understand why you wanted to be with me in the first place, why you came up to me at the wedding? How could someone like you be single and actually want to be with someone like me?”

“Truth?” he asked with a little hesitation in his voice. I was starting to get scared that he was going to confirm my initial suspicion and say that it was Jasper but I knew that I needed to hear the truth, regardless if it would break me apart or not.

“Please.”

“You were crying,” he started in a pained voice. “I saw you before the wedding, running around, getting everything ready, looking incredibly beautiful and sexy and confident and in charge, but as soon as the wedding started, you looked incredibly sad. After the dinner, I noticed that you were crying and it broke my heart. I was attracted to you right away, but it was seeing your sadness that made me want to protect you and fix whatever it was that was hurting you.

And as for how someone like me could be single and actually want to be with someone like you? It’s simple. You don’t see yourself clearly. I was single because I hadn’t found anyone I wanted to be with, until I met you. I’ve dated in the past, but not for a long time.”

“But why me? I’m broken. I’m not like one of your patients that you can fix. I’ll never be…right.” I was crying by the end, finally expressing how unequal we were, how damaged I was and how delusional he was in wanting me.

Edward was silent for a moment. All I could hear was his breathing. This is it. The moment I knew was coming from the first time I saw him. He finally knows that I’m not good enough, that I’m too broken to fix. I guess I’ll just have two extra house keys now. This was going to hurt. The silence kept building and building. Edward was probably trying to figure out a way to retract what he said earlier and just tell me ‘goodbye’.

Finally I heard him take a large inhale and start to talk in a very gentle voice. This is going to hurt.

“Bella, I want you. No one else.” He paused and I could hear him swallow on the other end of the phone. “When I first saw you at the wedding, you were taking care of everything, of everyone, but you wouldn’t let others take care of you. Someone that giving, that altruistic deserves to have someone take care of them once in a while. To have someone reciprocate that generosity and compassion. You’re always making sure that others are happy and looked after, but when was the last time you made sure that you were happy? I know it sounds like I’m a possessive caveman, but I want to take care of you and make sure that you’re being looked after. I don’t care if you have a past, or if you think that you’re broken or that you’ll never be right. You’re right for me.”

I was completely silent. My left hand was tightly clutching the phone to my ear, making sure that I didn’t miss a word he said, while my right hand was pulling tissue after tissue out of the box on the side table.

“Edward…I…”

“You don’t have to say anything, Bella,” he interrupted.

“I know. But I want too.” I took a breath as he stayed silent, patiently waiting for me to continue. “I want you too,” I whispered into my phone, “and I know that I have a…hard time letting people in…and I know that I’m broken…but…I like it…when you make sure I’m ok. You make me happy and I like it when you’re here. I miss you when you’re not.” My voice was barely a whisper at the end, and I wasn’t sure if he heard me or not.

“I miss you too,” he said gently into the phone, “I’m sorry I had to work today.”

“It’s ok. The patients are more important than just hanging out with me.”

“I don’t know if I agree with you there.”

For the first time since I got home, a smile lit up my face. I may not be perfect, and I may be completely undeserving of him, but Edward made me feel special for the first time in a very long time.

“So,” he started in a mischievous tone, “any decision on where we stand on the whole ‘relationship, are we/aren’t we dating’ issue?”

“Yes,” I said tentatively but with a small smile on my face.

“Yes?”

“Yes”

Edward and I talked for a couple more minutes before he said his beeper was going off and that he had to run, but that he would call me back when he had the chance.

I made my way into the kitchen with a smile on my face and a skip in my step. Although I had cried for most of the conversation, it was productive, encouraging and decisive.

Edward wanted me, just how I was.

We were officially in a relationship.

Soon, Edward would be getting a key to my house.