Chapter 13 text

Thursday July 15th

The angry sound of my alarm clock woke me up, but it wasn’t until I heard a loud thud and a moan coming from beneath my ear that I was actually awake. I quickly opened my eyes to see Edward’s hand repeatedly slapping my alarm clock until the buzzing sound stopped. I couldn’t help the small chuckle that left my mouth at the sight of Edward’s battle with my $10.99, Wal-Mart alarm clock. Thankfully, for the safety of my clock, Edward won.

“Not funny,” he mumbled as he wrapped me tightly back in his arms and immediately started to drift back to sleep. “Too early.” His last words barely made it out of his mouth coherently before they trailed off and his breathing deepened.

In all honesty, it was too early. I would have preferred to stay in bed with Edward for the rest of the day, but I had a class to teach and papers to collect. I needed to be an adult and push aside what I wanted for what I had to do.

I slowly lifted my head off Edward’s chest, placing a soft kiss over it, and started to shimmy out of his arms, trying my best not to wake the tired doctor. Unfortunately, the angry grunt that came directly from his chest told me I had failed at my attempt.

“20 more minutes,” he whined as he once again pulled me close and buried his face in the top of my head. I could feel his lips pressing into my hair as he cradled me back into his arms.

“I don’t have 20 minutes,” I whispered to him, “I have to get up for work.”

“Fine,” he grumbled, “meanie.”

I laughed as I once again attempted to get out of his warm and comforting embrace. Edward, however, was a sneaky bugger and had another idea all together. As I started to roll away from him, he, in turn, proceeded to roll on top of me, pressing the left side of his torso onto the right side of mine, throwing his left arm over my stomach to hold me down and burying his face into my neck.

“Good morning, beautiful,” he whispered as he pressed a kiss onto the left side of my neck. His warm breath and tender touch sent a shiver down my spine.

“Morning,” I replied in a shaky and somewhat panicky voice. Edward was on top of me, in my bed, his left hand slowly rubbing up and down my right side.

Edward pulled back to look down at me. There was gentleness in his eyes as he lowered his lips to lightly press them against mine. He was incredibly tender as he gently lifted his left hand from my side to cradle my cheek. There was no urgency or need in the way Edward’s body pressed against mine, or how he kissed me, just compassion, longing and pure contentment.

Edward pulled back and that crooked smile spread across his face.

“I could get used to waking up like this,” he smiled at me as he once again pressed a quick kiss to my lips and gently rolled off of me onto his back. Holy shit!! Did he just say that he wants to spend more nights with me????Does that mean that he wants to move us further, start…doing…things? I’m ok with kissing him now, but what if he starts expecting more since he clearly wants to spend more time in my bed?

I tried to give Edward a smile as I got out of bed, but I was afraid that the tension from my thoughts was clearly written on my face. I turned my back to him, hoping to hide any of my worries from him and made my way to my closet and dresser to get my clothes. As I softly heard his breath evening out once more, I realized how unsure I was about Edward going back to sleep and staying here while I was at work. After working for 28 straight hours though, I could only assume that one would need more than four hours of sleep and I didn’t want to rush him out of my bed. He needed his rest. Plus, now my pillow will smell like him again.

I quietly made my way to the bathroom to do my morning routine, washing my face, brushing my teeth and apparently getting dressed in there this morning too. I slipped on my gray linen sailor pants and a black sleeveless turtleneck and quietly made my way back to my bedroom to peek at Edward. What I saw made me smile.

Edward was fast asleep, laying on his right side, cuddling with my pillow. He had the tiniest smile on his lips as he sank deeper and deeper into where I had rested my head. I once again took on my ninja persona and with as much stealth as I could muster, made my way over to Edward and placed a kiss on his left cheek. I really didn’t want to wake him. He was completely exhausted and sound asleep. But what do I do? Let him stay here alone in my house while I go to work? I’m not really ok with that, not at all. But he’s so tired, he’ll probably sleep the whole day. And I’ll be home by 1:30 anyways. I don’t want to be responsible for him falling asleep behind the wheel if I send him home. FUCK!!! I clearly hadn’t been thinking the night before when I let him into my bed at 4:30 in the morning after a 28 hour shift.

I continued to stare at a sleeping Edward as I contemplated my next move. What is he going to do? Steal my non-existent jewelry or my crappy TV from 1998? I had trust Edward if this ‘relationship’ was going to go anywhere. With my wavering decision made, I leaned over to give an unknowing Edward my permission to stay. 

“Bye Edward, I’ll be back just before 1:30,” I whispered to him as I removed a piece of his hair that was falling into his eye. He hugged my pillow and made a soft humming noise before falling soundly back to sleep.

I made my way down to the kitchen, grabbing my coffee and a granola bar before I wrote a note to Edward, telling him I was at work, but that he was welcome to stay if he wanted to. I also reluctantly wrote that if he needed to leave or didn’t want to stay here, he could go through the back door and just leave it unlocked. My neighbor was a little old lady who was always in her backyard gardening. She would see if anyone tried to get in.

A brief sadness flooded through me at the thought of Edward not wanting to be here when I got back from work, but I quickly shook that thought away and headed off to school.

Class was pretty much as I predicted it would be. The topic for the day, and subsequently the next week was to take the hero of the story and write an essay about how they were a negative influence on the story as a whole.

“But Ms. Swan, I don’t get it,” Tess asked. I was really proud at her progression over the summer and how much she had opened up in the class. “If our main character is the hero, how are we supposed to write their negative influences? Aren’t hero’s inherently good?”

“Ok, well let’s think about this. At the beginning of the summer, when we were studying details and the influence of words, we looked at Chocolat, both the book and film versions, analyzing the different ways words translate to the audience.” All the students nodded, remembering how we compared and contrasted the two mediums. Some were on the book side, saying there was more detail in the book and that it influenced the mind more with the words, allowing independent creativity and free thinking, while some students were on the film side, saying that the images and voice over created a better visual, that words were sometimes inadequate and unable to convey what was being shown. Plus, they got to watch Johnny Depp.

“Well,” I continued, “if we look back on Vianne, the heroine of the story, we could argue that she was influential on the town in both a positive and negative way. She opened up the eyes of the town, liberating them in a way and exposing them to a new mentality, but what consequences did it have? It’s like in Pocahontas, when John Smith comes in. He says that he’s going to tear down the forest to make room for buildings, show everyone how to use their land properly, make it better and civilize the savages, but he also ignores the way the village is run, the tradition, the culture and how the people in the village live. In Chocolat, Vianne came in and completely changed the way the small village worked. What if people were so set in their ways that now they don’t know where to turn? What about their traditions, their religion, their peaceful, quiet town? Also, was she really the greatest role model for her daughter? Never giving her a solid home and always taking her away from her friends.”

The students continued to nod as I went on. “So for your stories, I want you to take a truly objective view of the main character and look for anything that could have made them a negative influence on the other characters, how they might not have been the best hero, or a good role model.”

The class continued for the rest of the day with an open discussion about each of the individual books they were reading. It wasn’t really how I planned on the students getting their essay ideas, but they seemed thoroughly engrossed in the class discussion about what qualities make up a hero and if hero’s had to be good or if they just had to ‘save the day’.

The class ended with the students still deep in discussion and surprisingly excited about their thesis. As soon as I was safely in my truck, I allowed myself to focus on home. I drove with a flicker of excitement and yet, there was also fear inside me. Would Edward be there or would he have left?

I turned onto my street and saw his shiny silver Volvo parked in front of my house. An enormous smile broke out on my face as I parked my truck and rushed to the front door. With a new zeal, I pushed the door open and walked into my hallway. I could hear soft music playing, its origin unknown, as I looked around the house for any sign of Edward.

“Edward?” I asked the empty house. There was no answer. “Edward?” I tried again a little louder as I made my way deeper into the house. I checked the living room and kitchen, but they were empty, and clean. He tidied up my living room and kitchen for me. I don’t know how I feel about that.

I made my way upstairs to see if he was still sleeping, but my bed was perfectly made and the bathroom was empty. I strolled further into my bedroom, taking off my earrings and putting my hair up in a ponytail. I made my way over to my dresser to put my earrings in my jewelry box and glanced out my bedroom window. There in my backyard, I could just see the tips of some toes propped up on my deck rail. He’s here!

I made my way over to my closet and changed into some jean shorts and a red tank top, throwing my clothes from work into the hamper and then I ran down the stairs and out the back door. There sat Edward, book in hand, glass of water on the patio table and my patio speakers hooked up to his iPod.

He turned around as the screen door shut behind me and a gorgeous smile lit up his face.

“Hey you,” he smiled at me as he placed his book on the table, pressing it open to keep his place.

I walked over to Edward automatically, my legs and heart not giving my brain the opportunity to process what I was doing. I leaned over, gently brushing a piece of his hair back as I leaned down to kiss him.

“You stayed,” I whispered against his lips as Edward’s arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me into his lap. His arms encircled me tightly, bringing me impossibly close to his chest, and then he kissed me passionately. My arms went over his shoulders and my hands immediately went into his hair as I lost all thought, becoming completely absorbed in Edward’s kiss.

His lips were even softer than yesterday, perfectly tender, with just a bit of need. He took my top lip in between his and gently sucked and nipped at it, until his tongue traced over the inner part of my top lip, asking for more. I was not in the frame of mind to deny this man anything, so I freely opened to him, taking his tongue into my mouth. A moan escaped both our mouths as our tongues met and discovered the other. He was everywhere. I was completely surrounded by the scent, taste and feel of Edward. His left hand was running up and down my back, playing with the hem of my shirt, while his right hand held the back of my neck, securing us to each other.

Edward slowly removed his lips from mine, depriving one of my senses from him, and moved his mouth to my jaw. I was gasping as Edward slowly and reverently kissed along the left side of my jaw, up to my ear. He pressed a single kiss directly behind my ear and my body literally shook. What the hell? I’ve never felt that before. Mind you, no one has ever kissed me there before either.

“Of course I stayed,” he whispered as he placed another kiss onto my newly discovered weak spot, “there’s nowhere else I want to be.”

He placed one last kiss on my magical spot before returning for one final kiss on my lips. He slowly pulled away, moving his right hand to brush over my blushing cheeks. “I love this,” he whispered as he leaned in and kissed each cheek. This only made me blush harder as I lowered my head to try and hide from him.

I could hear him laughing above me as he kissed the top of my head and pulled me closer to him, resting my left cheek on his chest.

“Hi beautiful,” he chuckled at me, “welcome home.”

I looked up to meet his eyes and all I could do was smile.

Edward stayed for dinner. Apparently he had gone shopping during the day and wanted to make it for me. He was planning on herbed chicken, wild rice and a medley of grilled bok choy, asparagus, peppers and carrots. I was in complete awe as he removed the already herbed chicken from the fridge and all the vegetables, which were already cut.

“So can I at least make the rice?” I asked as I tried to get past Edward and into my own kitchen.

“Nope,” he said as he continued to block my way, “I’m making this for you. Go sit out back, listen to some music, I’ll be out in a minute…” he popped back into the fridge, but before I could make any headway into the kitchen, he came back out with a juice pitcher filled with some kind of red liquid and loads of fruit. He put the pitcher on the counter, grabbed a glass from my cupboards and poured the juice/fruit concoction into one of three miss-matched wine goblets I owned.

“Here,” he said as he handed me the glass and then poured one for himself. As he poured himself a drink, I examined the glass in my hand. It had slices of pineapple, peaches, cherries, grapes, orange slices and strawberries inside. I looked at it questioningly, wondering if I was supposed to eat or drink my drink.

“It’s Sangria with some Sprite, and I added a bit of fruit.” He smiled at me as he kissed my cheek and literally pushed me out my back door as I took a tentative test of the unknown drink. Holy crap that’s good! True to his word, Edward came out not ten minutes later carrying our herbed chicken breasts and a large, flat square of aluminum foil, which I assumed were the vegetables.

Once everything was on the BBQ, slowly cooking on the lowest setting, Edward came and sat beside me, planting a quick kiss on top of my head as he passed and we fell into an easy conversation about our day. I told him about my class, earning the same confused look that my students wore when I told them to explain how the hero was negative. After clarifying everything to Edward, he seemed intrigued and actually came up with a few examples of ‘negative heroes’ on his own.

I proceeded to ask Edward about his shift. His night on Tuesday had been eerily slow, but after his planned surgery Wednesday morning, which went perfectly well, the ER was packed, the result of a car accident, a child falling out of a tree and a horrific kid’s birthday party at the zoo where one kid who was allergic to bee stings got stung, one child tripped and banged his knee on the edge of the dirty monkey cage, splitting it open and one child got a little cocky with the tigers. He ended up with a broken arm when a tiger charged at the cage and he fell backwards. That poor mother. Hopefully she at least had some help with all those kids.

After the stories were told, and dinner was had, Edward crossed his legs around my right ankle under the table, trying to maintain constant contact.

“So…” he began with a devilish smile on his face, “I don’t have to work tomorrow so I have all night free if you’d like to spend it together.” Edward slowly stood up and walked over to me, offering his left hand to me. Grabbing it, he gently pulled me up and through the back door into the house. He ushered me to the couch, sat me down and made his way back to the kitchen.

Edward’s words spun around my head as I sat alone in the quiet living room waiting for Edward to return. My stomach dropped at the implication of what he was saying. Yes I wanted to spend time with Edward, and I wanted to curl up to him again tonight, but…there was a lot of weight behind what he had said.

I was about to answer him, that yes, I wanted him to stay, but…how do I finish that sentence without hurting his feelings?... when Edward walked in carrying a large serving tray I didn’t even know I owned. On it were two bowls and spoons, a jar of maraschino cherries, rainbow sprinkles, chocolate sauce, chocolate chips, caramel sauce, a can of whip cream, tiny marshmallows and...is that cookie dough?!?!?!?

He placed the tray on my coffee table, laying everything out like a buffet and went back to the kitchen, returning with a tub of vanilla ice cream. “I thought we could make Sundays and then go for a walk tonight under the stars.”

My smile was shy and my eyes were tearing up. God, why did I think that he was implicating something? This man was so sweet and I immediately thought the worst. Edward quickly sat down beside me, taking my right hand in his left and wiped away the tear that had secretly fallen from my left eye.

“Hey,” he whispered, “why the tears?”

I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face into his shoulder. “That just sounds really nice,” I mumbled against his left shoulder. I pulled back and kissed him with gratitude.  “Thank you. For dinner, for this,” I indicated towards the ice-cream buffet in my living room as I curled into Edward’s chest, “for everything.”

We sat there in silence, cuddled together, Edward gently rubbing his hands up and down my left arm before we dove into the ice cream. I loaded my ice cream up with cookie dough, cherries, and chocolate chips. My bowl was overflowing and Edward just laughed at me, until he settled back into the couch with a bowl even larger than mine. We ate our dessert while we watched Big Bang Theory, laughing and snuggling closer when our ice cream was done. When the episode was over, we cleaned up the buffet and headed out for a walk, hand in hand, both of us staring up at the stars.

Edward took me to the park around my block and pushed me on the swing until a shiver ran threw me. “Getting cold?” he asked as he stopped the swing and wrapped his arms around me from behind. I leaned back into his chest and simply nodded my head. “Ok,” he said into my hair, “let’s go home.”

Edward and I walked back hand in hand in comfortable silence, his thumb constantly making circles on the back on my hand. We got back to my house and I decided to change into my pajamas, as I was still chilly from the walk. I went upstairs, Edward joining me, to notice that there was a duffle bag on the floor on Edward’s side of the bed. Um…ok? Apparently I already think that Edward has a side to my bed?

He reached into it and pulled out some navy blue pajama pants and a gray v-neck t-shirt.

“I’ll use the spare room to change,” he said with a crooked smirk as he went to leave me to change, pulling me into a hug and a kiss on his way out. We had been out for our walk, playing at the park for hours and the hot weather from this afternoon on top of the lack of sleep from the night before made my bed look far more comfortable than it should have. I got changed and flopped down on my back, laying across the bed and closed my eyes. Nothing??? I don’t have any thoughts about Edward spending the day in my house, alone, or the fact that he asked me if I wanted to spend the night together with him? Ok…there’s the fear I was waiting for.

With my eyes closed, my breathing got a bit ragged. I tried to calm my nerves and think positively about Edward. I liked him, I wanted to spend time with him, he was amazing and made a fabulous dinner, a fun desert and part of me just wants to touch him everywhere. His kisses and touches were so light, but passionate and I couldn’t deny the want that was behind his every touch.

I continued to lay there with my eyes closed, taking my hair out of the ponytail to relax deeper into my bed until I felt the bed lower beside me. I automatically rolled into Edward as he joined me on my bed and wrapped my right arm across his chest. I didn’t open my eyes, I just wanted to breathe him in, feel him, feel wanted in his arms.

“What are you thinking about?” He asked in a quiet voice as he reached over and pushed a piece of hair behind my right ear.

“You,” I answered timidly, not wanting to admit it but not wanting to lie to him either. 

“Oh, really?” he asked in a joking voice as the bed shifted beside me. I was no longer in Edward’s arms, but I could still feel him staring at me. I slowly opened my eyes to see him looking down at me, longing and interest shining brightly in his beautiful green eyes. I just nodded as he continued to look down at me.

Something in his eyes changed in that moment and he slowly lowered himself closer to me.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about you too.”

Edward’s lips met mine as he fully laid himself on top of me. He was supporting his weight on his elbows but I could feel the entire length of his body pressed against mine. His right hand held my face as he slowly deepened the kiss. His tongue met mine with a distinct need as his hand left my face and slowly started to make its way down my neck and across my shoulder. His fingers lightly ran up and down my left arm before hooking under the strap of my cami and pulling it aside. Edward broke away from the kiss, but his lips never left my skin. I was trying to catch my breath as he gently moved his lips over my jaw, down my neck and across my collarbone.

“Bella,” he whispered against my skin as his right hand gently repositioned itself on my left hip, his thumb placing gentle circles on the exposed skin between my pants and shirt. His touch was magic, igniting every inch of skin it made contact with. His hands were not forward or assuming, but comforted me and grounded me to him. And although I was ok with how he was kissing me and touching me, I was starting to feel uncomfortable with where this was progressing, but I really didn’t want to push him away. He had been so great and I was really starting to trust him, but I was starting to worry that I was getting in too deep, too fast.

Edward’s lips returned to mine with a soft groan as he lowered himself even further onto me. He was still holding up his weight, but he was now completely covering me, there was no way for me to escape if I needed to. His kissing took on an urgent longing and was more passionate then I had ever experienced before. God, I want him, but what…how do I…what do I do? What if I do something wrong? I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, I’m just following along.

I felt like a complete idiot and started to panic that Edward would soon find out that I had no idea what I was doing. I couldn’t even enjoy his kisses anymore, I was completely in my head, analyzing what was happening and trying to figure out what to do next.

Edward’s hands started roaming my body, moving down my left thigh to the crook in my knee. Without warning, he hooked it up to bend it and settled his body between my legs. His left hand remained beside my head, supporting the weight of his upper body as his right hand now ascended up my body, over my hip, across my ribs to stop just under my left breast. His hand was still on top of my shirt, but I could feel the heat of it blazing across my skin, touching me where only one man had ever touched me before.

Suddenly, images of a time with Jacob quickly flashed in my mind, sending shutters and a fresh wave of panic through my body.

It was my 21^st birthday and he was supposed to meet me at the bar to celebrate, but instead, he decided to get drunk at his house with his friends, as I sat alone at the only bar in Forks, waiting for Jacob to show up. When I called him, he said that something came up, but he was home now and I should come over. 

We were sitting together on Jacob’s couch, watching a movie while he was resting back against my body, my arms wrapped around his shoulders, his beer bottles still littering the table in front of us. Jake slowly reached up with his left hand to capture mine, and gently brought it up to his lips. Carefully, he started to kiss each finger on my left hand, slowly taking each one into his mouth and gently running his tongue over the pad of each finger. I remembered how my heart beat immediately started to race. I had rested my head forward against the left side of his head as he continued to kiss my fingers, tenderly moving his lips to place a kiss to the centre of my palm. I softly pressed a kiss to his left temple before he turned his head enough to kiss me.

Jacob swiveled his body in my lap so that he was now facing me and immediately, an urgency took him over. He quickly pushed me down onto my back and laid himself on top of me, not bothering to hold up his weight. I could feel the pressure of his body weighing down on me, making it harder to breath as his beer flavored lips attacked my mouth. His hands were frantic, holding and grabbing me with more force than he had ever used before. I pulled my mouth away from his and asked Jacob to slow down but he just ignored me. I tried to push him off from on top of me, but he just pressed deeper into me.

Before I could stop it, Jacob had thrust his right hand under my shirt and was grabbing my breast, hard. He had started to roughly grind himself into me as he violently grabbed my hair in his left hand to hold my mouth back against his. I started to panic at how different this Jacob was to the one I had known for so many years. All I could remember is that when I was able to pull my mouth away and asked him to stop, he asked me why I was choosing to be a virgin instead of letting him ‘fix it’.

That was the last time Jacob ever touched me that roughly, but Jake had never been particularly gentle. He went in with both hands, no warning, no warm up and just did what he wanted until I pushed him away. But Edward’s hands were tender and were touching me with such care. He was touching me in a way that I had never been touched before. It was startling, and exciting but no matter how much I tried to distinguish the difference, it reminded me of the last time I had been touched and I started to shake.

Edward’s hand slowly moved the last bit upwards until he was fully caressing my left breast. Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…I mentally freaked out and started to push Edward away to stop him.

“Edward, please…stop” I whimpered against his lips, as my hands found their way to his chest and gave a gentle push. Edward immediately moved back to look at me, worry filling his eyes.

“Bella, what’s the matter? Why are you shaking?”

I just shook my head at him as I desperately tried to calm my breath and my heart. Edward was nothing like Jacob, but the memory and the direction this was going prevented me from calming down. I needed to tell Edward the truth, about everything.

“Bella, please?” I could hear the pain and fear in Edward’s voice. 

“I can’t,” I barely pushed out of my mouth.  

“Can’t what?”

“I can’t do this.” Edward just stared at me, completely confused. He was still hovering over me, we were both catching our breath but the overwhelming emotions started to take over and tears started to fill my eyes. I tried to blink them away, but they slowly squeezed through my eyelids and slid down the side of my face onto my comforter.

“Bella?” Edward pulled back farther to look at me in total shock. I could tell that he was starting to panic from my emotional outburst. Well, I guess it’s that time. Time to tell him and watch him laugh at me and run away. Alone again, Swan, always alone.

“Edward, I… I’m sorry… I can’t do this”.

He just looked down at me, giving me the time I needed to process everything that had just happened.

I closed my eyes and rolled my face to the left. I quickly covered my mouth with my hands as I felt a heart-breaking sob building in my chest at the thought of telling Edward about another one of my weak moments with Jacob and the imminent rejection I was about to face. Tears continued to stream down my cheek to soak my already drenched blanket. I could still feel Edward’s eyes on me as I struggled to get a solid breath.

“Bella, please, you’re scaring me”.

Slowly pushing Edward back so that I could scurry out from under him, I positioned myself up against the headboard and finally looked up to meet Edward’s eyes. With a slow and shaky breath, I told Edward. I told him what happened between Jacob and I.

 “Oh, Bella”, he scurried up to me, his voice dripping with sadness, and immediately wrapped me in his arms. The pain and heartbreak I felt at being once again pitied flowed through my veins, shooting tangible pain through my entire body. He pulled me tight into his arms. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I pushed out of his arms and curled into myself again and dropped my head so that I didn’t have to look him in his sympathetic but judgmental eyes.

“There’s more,” I whispered as I kept my eyes averted from his.

“I…um…I’ve never done anything…like this…before…”

“What do you mean?” he asked with obvious confusion.

“I mean I haven’t done this before,” I weakly waved my hands between the two of us, hopefully telling him what I meant, without actually telling him what I meant, “any of it.”

Without turning my head back to face Edward, who had wrapped his right arm around me and pulled me into his side, I hesitantly whispered, “I’m a virgin, Edward.”

I heard Edward take a quick intake of breath and my eyes slowly opened as I turn my head to face him. He just stared at me in disbelief. I took a deep breath and continued.

“It’s not only that, I mean I haven’t done ANY of this before.” I paused, hoping that Edward would say something that would save me from the verbal diarrhea I could feel coming on, but he was just staring at me with his mouth slightly open. The way he was looking at me made me even more nervous and scared and embarrassed and I couldn’t help the words that pitifully trickled out of my mouth.

“I’ve never been held before, no one has ever touched me like you have, or looked at me the way you have. I’ve never had a man in my bed before you, never had anyone wrap their arms around me, take me out on a date or tell me I was beautiful until I met you. No one has ever looked at me twice before you came along.  When I say I haven’t done any of it, I mean it Edward. ”

“How is that possible?”

“I was never really given any other option,” I said low, under my breath.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that the opportunity never presented itself,”

“But how has it never…”

“No one has ever wanted me, Edward,” I said in a tiny, pitiful voice that showcased all my shame and loneliness, “and I don’t really blame them. Not even Jake wanted me that way. He just wanted someone who could get him off, and he didn’t care who it was.”

We sat in silence for a while before I let my inner monologue free.

“Who would want to admit that they’re a 28 year old virgin, let alone someone who has never, ever been wanted by someone else?” My voice was barely above a whisper and slurred with sadness.

“Bella, I…”

“It’s ok Edward, I understand if you’re freaked out and, you know, want to leave,” I said as I started to crawl out of bed. Edward hurriedly threw his arms around my waist, pulling me back into his arms. He laid me down on my back as he looked down at me, wiping my tears away with his thumb.

“When will you understand my feelings for you, what you mean to me and how much I want to be with you? I don’t care that you’re a virgin. To be honest, it makes me happy that no one but me has touched you like this. I just wish that you trusted me enough to tell me before you started to panic.”

“I was scared.”

“Of what?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing, and when you kiss me or touch me, I start to freak out. I’m scared that I’ll do something wrong, or that it’ll be horrible and you’ll never want to see me again. I’m just embarrassed because I don’t want you to reject me, but it’s inevitable.”

“Bella, do you trust me?” I looked him in the eyes and saw the trust and hope as I nodded my head.

“Then there’s no reason to be scared. We’ll go as slow or as fast as you want. We’ll work together to make sure that you’re ready and comfortable before we do anything. And believe me, it would never be horrible between us, not with how we feel about each other.”

I pulled him closer and tighter to me, burying my face into his neck and planted a soft kiss behind his ear. “Thank you” I whispered against his skin. He pulled back and kissed me lovingly on my lips.

“Come on,” he said as he snuggled deeper into the bed, “let’s go to sleep”.  He laid down beside me, pulling my front into his chest, holding me. Edward placed a single kiss on my forehead before he pulled me tighter against him, burying my face under his chin.

I couldn’t believe he stayed.