Chapter 16 text

Sunday July 18

I sat on my back porch, early in the morning, staring down at my phone in my hand. I hadn’t slept all night, missing Edward terribly, and as such, had been up for hours. I could just barely hear the rest of the world beginning to wake and realized that if I wanted to talk to him today, I needed to talk to him now, before he left the house.

I picked up my cup of coffee from my patio table, took a large gulp of the now lukewarm liquid before turning my attention back to the phone in my hand. I wanted to talk to him, I missed him, but there were certain things that I didn’t want to talk about this morning that I knew he would bring up. Still, I needed to call him, there were things that I needed to tell him, wanted to tell him. I looked at my phone one last time, noting the time as 6:23am before my fingers dialed the number I knew as well as my own.

“Hello?”

“Hey, dad.”

“Bells? What are you doing calling so early? Is everything alright?”

“Yea, dad. Everything’s fine. I just wanted to catch you before you left to go fishing for the day.”

“Well it’s good to hear from you, Kiddo. I was starting to think you didn’t want to talk to me or something.”

I immediately felt guilty for not calling Charlie in almost three weeks. But with the horrific lunch with Alice and Jasper, and everything that had been going on with Edward, our weekly Sunday conversations had taken a spot on the backburner.

“I know, I’m sorry dad. Things have kinda been busy lately.”

“Really?” I rolled my eyes at his comment, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. Does he have to sound so surprised?

“Yea, with Alice’s wedding, and…um…everything, I’ve kinda been preoccupied.”

“And everything…what’s going on, Bella? You sound nervous. Are you sure everything’s ok?”

“Yea…I…um…” silence rang through the phone as Charlie waited patiently for me to continue. “I, um, kinda met someone.”

“Really?” Again, he reacted like I had just told him that I grew a second head.

“Um…yea. We met at Alice’s wedding.” I swore that I could hear a little snicker on the other side of the phone before he continued.

“Ok then, well, what’s the guy’s name?” Why did it sound like he didn’t believe me?

“Edward?” I answered unsure of myself due to Charlie’s doubtful inquisition.

“Edward, huh. Well, what does this ‘Edward’ do?” It was amazing but I could actually hear the quotations around Edward’s name. Charlie really didn’t believe me.

“He’s a doctor at Seattle Children’s Hospital.”

“Right, and what kind of doctor is he?”

I was really getting pissed. It seemed like Charlie was looking for holes in my story to try and prove that I was making everything up.

“He’s a musical therapist in the rehabilitation ward and works in the ER when needed.”

“So he’s a therapist and a surgeon?”

“Yes,” I said, finally with some strength behind my voice.

“And you met him at Alice’s wedding.”

“Yes”

“How does SuperDoc know Alice?”

“SuperDoc?”

“Well, being a musical therapist and surgeon at a children’s hospital sure sounds impressive to me, Bells.” Again, I could hear the mocking and jabbing laughter in his voice.

“Yea, it is really impressive, and that’s how he knows Alice. Her husband, Jasper, works with Edward at the hospital.”

There was a rush of air into the phone, followed by a soft “sure he does”, which I’m sure I wasn’t supposed to hear.

“Dad?” I asked with anger lacing my voice, “why does it sound like you don’t believe me?”

“Well, come on, Bella. SuperDoc sounds too good to be true. And let’s be honest, you don’t really have that much experience dating and haven’t really been attracting the attention of the opposite sex for quite a while. It’s just hard to believe that this amazing man would just pop into your life like that. Have you actually talked to him since the wedding?”

I couldn’t believe what my father was saying. Not only did he not believe me about Edward, but he was actually insulting me by basically saying that there was no way that I could attract a man. I knew that I thought that Edward was too good for me and that I often doubted and questioned what he saw in me, but it was different coming from someone else.

I didn’t say anything to Charlie. I didn’t know what to say. Tears were streaming down my face at the doubt and ridicule coming from my own father.

“Listen, Bells,” he blurted, complete indifference behind his voice, “I gotta go. Billy and I are taking Jake out fishing this morning. That kid’s become quite the young man. Did I tell you that he opened up his own shop with some of his friends and that he’s dating this hot little pistol from Port Angeles? Man, she’s a looker. Things are really going well for him. I’m proud of the kid. He’s such a hard worker and has great goals in life. He’s actually making something of himself and he didn’t bother wasting his time and money going to College. He knew what he wanted and went for it. He’s so driven and…”

I had to stop listening to the praise Charlie was dolling out for someone else’s child. My heart broke at how he was talking about Jacob. Not only was my heart slowly burning simply due to the fact that he mentioned Jake in the first place, but the realization that Charlie had never once told me he was proud of me. He was beaming with pride over someone else’s kid, and that he had never spoken with such enthusiasm about me or my life, ever…it crippled me. I didn’t even say ‘goodbye’ to Charlie. I just ended the call, hanging up on him quickly before my sob emerged.

Charlie always brought up Billy and Jacob when we talked, and I had prepared myself for it, like I did every Sunday, but this was different. The dignity and respect he had for Jacob made it sound like he wished he was his father, instead of mine. And the way he simply dismissed my Edward news, I was devastated.  So not only was I still a lonely, depressed virgin, who was just starting to become somewhat happy, thanks to Edward, I now had my father’s disappointment and disbelief to add to my no longer growing self-esteem. I honestly didn’t know when I could talk to Charlie again without feeling hurt.  

I grabbed my phone, wiped away my tears and walked straight up to bed. The sadness and self-doubt that had come from the phone call had left me drained and tired. I pulled back the covers and flopped into bed, luckily still in my pajamas. Tears continued to stream down my face until I eventually fell asleep.

I dreamt of my conversation with Charlie over and over, analyzing every sound, intonation and word spoken, and unspoken. My sleep was restless, tossing and turning until the ringing of my phone finally woke me up completely.

I sniffled and swatted my remaining tears as I looked at the caller ID. Edward. I sniffled one more time before I picked up.

“Hey,” I whispered, hoping to hide my broken voice from him.

“Hey, beautiful. Did I wake you up?” I could tell he was smiling and although it relieved some of the ache caused by Charlie, it made more tears come due to our separation.

“No,” I automatically sniffled and immediately regretted it, “I’ve…um…been up for hours.”

“Bella, what’s wrong?” The urgency and concern in his voice made the lump in my throat larger as I struggled to tell him the truth. I didn’t want to lie to Edward, I never wanted to be dishonest with him. I knew what it felt like to be on the receiving end of that and I didn’t want that for him, for anyone.

“I called my dad this morning and it didn’t go so well.” The tears had slowed, but were still blurring my vision. I squeezed my eyes tight, causing them to spill over. Edward remained silent as he waited for me to continue, but when I didn’t, he supportively jumped in.

“You want to talk about it?”

“It’s just that,” I paused, trying to collect myself before I continued, “I told him about how I was seeing someone, about us, about you, and he didn’t believe me.”

“What?” Edward asked. “How could he not believe you?”

“He basically said a SuperDoc like you would never be interested in someone like me.”

“SuperDoc?”

“Yea,” I pouted, “that’s what he called you.”

There was silence again on the phone and I was starting to hate it. The tears were wetting my cheeks and chin and Charlie’s words were actually starting to take root in my head.

“Bella,” Edward whispered tenderly, “please don’t let the words of an ignorant man ruin the progress we’ve made. You know how I feel about you. We’ve talked about this and I tell you all the time.” I nodded along with him, knowing the truth behind his words, but still recognizing on some level that Charlie was right. 

“There’s more,” I whispered. “He was telling me about…Jake,” I had to stop to swallow the lump in my throat, “…and how proud he was and how much respect he had for him. In not so many words, he basically said I was lying and delusional and that he wished Jake was his child instead of me.”

“Oh, Bella. That can’t be what he meant. He’s your father, he loves you.” I could hear the pain in Edward’s voice at how hurt I was.

“He may… not have said… the words… but that’s the feeling… I got from them.” I was full on crying by now, sobbing between words and going through tissue after tissue trying to stop the waterworks running down my face and onto my lap. “Why am...I…not good…enough?”

“Bella, you are! You are good enough. You’re amazing. He just doesn’t see it. He doesn’t know you.” Edward stated. “Do you want me to call him and talk to him?”

“NO!” I pushed out on a sob, “I don’t want to talk to him.”

“You won’t have to, I’ll talk to him. Prove to him how I feel about you and tell him how wonderful you are and how proud I am of you.”

“No, Edward,” I squeezed my eyes shut again and shook my head back and forth, “thanks…but no. I’ll be ok. It just hurts that I’m not enough for him.” We were both silent for a couple of seconds before I could hear someone calling his name in the background.

“You have to go,” I told him weakly as I curled back in on myself, “I don’t want to talk about it anymore anyway.”

“Ok,” he whispered, “just try not to think about it anymore. I’ll see you tonight after work ok?”

“Ok.”

Edward and I said our ‘goodbye’s’ before we hung up and I went back to my sulking. I knew that Charlie had no clue about what was going on with me. I’d be surprised if he even knew what subject I taught. He had only ever come out to see me once since I left Forks, and that was for my graduation. He saw Billy and…him… every week, so of course he felt more paternal towards…him… than he did me, but it hurt nonetheless. And as for Edward and I, I couldn’t ignore the points that Charlie made, that ‘SuperDoc’ was too good to be true, and that it did sound unrealistic after all these years of complete nothing, that someone like Edward would choose to be with me.

I didn’t really know what to do with my day, with myself. I had done all my grading and chores yesterday and wasn’t in the mood to leave the house. I decided that it was a good day for doing nothing. I changed out of my pajamas into a pair of lounge pants and a tank top and plopped down on my couch for a Harry Potter marathon. I had popped a bag of microwave popcorn to substitute my breakfast and lunch, and was just getting into the second movie when my doorbell rang.

Reluctantly, I paused the movie and made my way to the door.

“Hello?” I asked the young delivery man who wasstanding uncomfortably on my landing.

“Isabella Swan?” he inquired as he checked my name on a clip board and I nodded in reply. He asked for my signature and pressed a large white box with a navy blue bow on top into my hands. I shut the door and made my way back to the couch, placing the mystery box on the coffee table. I noticed a small envelope with my name typed on the outside. I slowly pulled the envelope out from underneath the bow and opened it.

My beautiful Bella,

I am so sorry you’ve had a rough morning and that I’m not there to make your pain go away. Please know that I miss you and wish I was with you. I hope this tides you over until I can hold you in my arms.

Hugs and kisses

Yours,

Edward.

I placed the note on the table and proceeded to open the box. There inside was a large white teddy bear surrounded by dozens upon dozens of Hershey’s kisses. I pulled out the bear, which was about a foot tall and started laughing. He was fluffy with a red and blue bow around his neck and he was wearing a white t-shirt that read ‘Someone to hug when I can’t be there’. The emotions behind Edward’s gift made my eyes burn and my heart race. He really does care.

Every doubt that Charlie placed in my mind was gone. Edward was real, his actions were real, how he felt about me was real and so was how I felt about him. It was unsettling how much I cared for this man and how much I longed to be with him. I was scared, of course, to get too attached, knowing that this couldn’t possibly last and dreading how much it would hurt when it finally ended, but I was trying. Trying so hard to enjoy being with Edward, however limited our time together would be.

I settled back in to the couch after grabbing a bowl from the kitchen and poured the kisses into it. I grabbed my teddy, hugged him close and continued watching my movie, completely indulging on the chocolates Edward had given me.

I had gotten up a couple times during the day for bathroom runs, a refill of water, or juice, and to change the DVD from the second movie, to the third and finally to the forth. I had literally spent all day in lounge pants and a tank top, eating chocolate and popcorn, watching movies. I had never felt more dejected, or more like a sloth.

The light outside my window was setting and I had to pause the movie to get something substantial in my stomach, having only eaten junk all day. I slowly moved to the kitchen, stretching my arms above my head and stretching my neck and back on the way. I got out a bag of frozen vegetables and a piece of chicken from the freezer and some pasta and cream of mushroom soup from the cupboard and made a casserole. It didn’t take too long to get the chicken cooked and the pasta boiled and soon, everything was simmering on the stovetop. I set the timer on the microwave for 30 minutes and went back to the movie.

About five minutes back into the movie, a light shone into my front window, quickly followed by another. I turned around on the couch, looking outside, to find the most amazing sight. I jumped from the couch, threw open the door and ran full on into Edward’s arms.

“Whoa,” he laughed as he stumbled back a bit from my attack, bumping into the hood of his car, “you ok there, Bella?”

“Now I am,” I whispered as I held him as tightly as I could around his waist and pressed my face into his chest. “Just hold me.”

“Forever,” he softly spoke into the top of my head as his arms held me firmly around the shoulders, bringing me closer to him.

Although I had had a rough day, a horrible conversation with my father and had realized how doomed my relationship with Edward would inevitably be, I still missed having someone hold me and tell me that everything would be alright. We stayed there in my driveway, just holding each other. I would sporadically place small kisses on Edward’s chest, while he would pepper them into my hair at the top of my head. Eventually, our lips met in a needy and comforting way.

“Rough day?” he asked as he rested his forehead against mine.

I closed my eyes, relaxing deeper into Edward and nodded.

“Ok,” he said as he placed a light kiss over each of my closed eyes. I had never had anyone kiss my eyes before, and although it felt strange, it felt loving, as if he were taking care of me, which was, I hated to admit, what I needed right now. “Let’s go inside.”

I nodded again as I pulled my head back, but kept my arms wrapped around his torso. I knew that I was being a clingy, needy girlfriend, but I did need him. I needed the reassurance that Charlie was an idiot and that SuperDoc had actually chosen me.

Edward wrapped his left arm over my shoulder and pulled me tighter into his side as he picked up his bag that he apparently dropped when I attacked him, and walked me into my house.

“It smells great in here.”

“Thanks,” I said as I regrettably separated from Edward, allowing him to put down his bag and untie his shoes. “You have perfect timing, dinner should be ready in about 10 minutes.”

“Excellent,” Edward whispered as he kissed me. “You go sit down and continue watching…”  Edward leaned into the living room and laughed when he saw Harry sitting in the bathtub, holding a large golden egg, “Harry Potter, and I’ll go set the table.”

I tried to protest, but Edward’s lips on mine stopped me. He told me I had a rough day and that he just wanted to help me relax. So with some additional persuading, care of Edward’s lips, I found myself cuddled back on the couch, holding my fluffy ‘Edward substitute’ teddy bear, until the real one returned to me.

Edward had just sat down and pulled me to lie against his chest when the timer went off, indicating that dinner was done. We paused the movie and grabbed our bowls, forks and drinks, scooped the thick casserole into our dishes and, deciding to actually eat cuddled together on the couch instead of at the table, made our way back into the living room.

Edward sat on the right side of the couch, moaning and groaning as he shoveled forkful after forkful of food into his mouth. I sat beside him in the middle of the couch, laughing away at him and eating my meal at a normal speed, making sure not to burn my mouth.

We both went up for seconds, and Edward went up for a third, before we changed the disk and decided to continue with the Harry Potter marathon. I was sitting against the left side of the couch, resting against the arm rest, when Edward returned from taking the dishes into the kitchen. He plopped down on the couch, immediately flopping down on his left side and laid his head in my lap.

We stared at each other without saying a word. I was sure Edward was wondering if his position in my lap was ok as I had completely frozen and stiffened above him. Slowly, he raised his left hand and took my right in his, then he planted a soft kiss on my palm before turning back towards the TV. He held my hand close to him, playing with my fingers as the movie started. Eventually, Edward stopped playing with my fingers, and his breathing softened. I relaxed into the couch, realizing he had fallen asleep and found myself combing the fingers of my left hand through his hair. 

I stared down at the man whose head was resting in my lap. His lips were slightly parted, his hair a mess because of my fingers and his chest gently rising and falling. I think I could fall in love with this man. The thought stirred so many conflicting emotions in me; intrigue at how different the emotions were that I felt for Edward from what I had felt for Jake, surprise in myself that I had actually opened myself up to the possibility of being with someone and trusting someone besides Alice, fear that these emotions would only make things more confusing and more difficult in the end and sadness in the realization that Edward would never feel the same way about me.

Was he interested in me? Obviously. Affectionate towards me? Apparently. Attracted to me? Allegedly. But could he love me? No.